heart is a bitch

"you're going to stay here for the rest of your life because jail is too luxurious" he said, throwing me into a dark, stinky and small room.

"Take off your clothes before I tear them off with a knife without giving a fuck about hurting you" he continued angrily.

He hates me. I hate myself too. Please kill me. I stand there without moving an inch.

He goes out of the room and comes back with a knife I suppose and grabs me by my hair. I let out a painful scream while he pulls my hair and tears my dress off with the knife which leaves cut marks on my waist and breasts.

He then opens the torch of his phone and focuses it over my naked body and laughs like a monster.

"Time is strange. I used to love and admire this body of yours and now I don't feel shit. I just want to give you pain in every possible way." He said as he unzips his pant and proceeds to rape me.

I don't know if it's actually a rape because as shameless it is of me for saying this, I am enjoying it.

"Look how wet you are." He said angrily.

"I don't want you to be wet. I am here to cause pain to you, not to give you pleasure. " He continued, calling me degrading names.

Fair enough. I murdered his mom. If somebody murdered my mom, I'd want to give them pain too.

I was so angry and drunk that I was in a literal mood to murder somebody. And I did.

I am never gonna touch alcohol again.

Wait, I don't think I am gonna even get water again to a full satisfaction as he said.

This is the guy I love, whose mother I have killed. I have caused him immense pain and grief. I deserve everything which is being done to me right now.

"You won't be this wet after a few days when I starve you bitch" he said while continuing to thrust inside me while I audibly moaned. Poor man doesn't know I have degradation kinks.

"Stop moaning!" He said as he stopped doing whatever he was doing, making me want him more. He left me unsatisfied. I hate being this horny after committing a murder.

"Maybe I should rape you after some days." He said while zipping his pants.

"I love you. It will never be a rape." I said looking into his eyes.

"I'd have melted like butter if you said this before murdering my mom. Fuck I was dying to hear this from you. But now, I don't see you as the love of my life but the murderer of my birth giver!" He shouted at me. He was full of rage.

"I am sorry" I said while breaking down and falling down on the ground.

"You have a lot of time to stay here and feel sorry." He said as he left the room leaving me in total darkness.

I cry, cry and cry.

Arnold:

How could she do this to me?

I loved her and admired her with all my existence. She was my lover, wife and bestfriend.

How could she murder my mother?

I terribly miss my mother.

She was a great lady who truly loved Darlina as her own. Little she knew was the woman she loved so much was going to kill her.

Mom told me to not trust her. Mom told me she is not a good person. I was the fucker who didn't listen because of my idiotic love.

I don't feel love anymore.

All I feel is hatred.

Hatred towards this world. Hatred towards Darlina.

All I want is. Revenge.

I will torture her and make her desire death.

I will cause her more pain and suffering than she did to my mom.

I stand near my mother's grave. I promise her to get her the revenge she deserves. I say sorry to her for everything.

I wish I never met Darlina. Or that I never went back to take her back when I heard she's getting married again.

She was the best person I ever met a few years ago. She's now the worst person I could possibly ever meet.

Was she always like this?

The blame is on me for forgiving a cheater like her and thinking she's a good person.

As rain washes all over my clothes. I remember the times I used to play in the rain in my childhood and how my mother used to scold me for getting wet and catching cold.

I remember the times when my mother cooked my favourite food for me.

I remember the times my mother always supported and loved me.

I remember the times in my childhood when my mother hugged me and comforted me whenever I was scared.

I remember the times she spent sleepless nights when I was sick.

Nobody on this planet is ever going to truly love me like she did.

Indeed, losing a mother is the worst grief of all. And I am sure I will never recover.

I remember my mother's face. Her smile. Her warmth. Everything about her was so pure.

I never cherished the time I had with her. I didn't even get to say goodbye to her. The last time I talked to her was me supporting Darlina and not her.

Being rude to my mother on our last interaction in this life will be the biggest guilt of my life.

I didn't know it was going to be my last conversation with her. I wish I knew. If I knew, I'd have hugged her, kissed her hands and told her how much I love her.

I wish.

All I could do is wish.

There's no hope left.

Life seems hopeless. Honestly, I'd have committed suicide. But I need to get my mom her revenge.

As I stand in the rain without an umbrella, Draxton comes near me and helps me with his umbrella.

"Hey, I know you hate me for fucking your wife but she's my mom too. You guys have thrown me out of your lives but I deserve to be here. " He said as he broke down into tears.

"Trust me Draxton. I don't give a fuck about you or my ex wife or you both fucking. With all due respect, you guys can fucking die. And you have 20 minutes here." I said while not bothering to look at him.

"Thanks brother." He said. Maybe he wasn't expecting me to agree. I've been extremely rough and harsh to him the past few years. Mostly due to jealousy.

Everyone goes back home and it's almost dark. I stand there with a blank empty face with teary eyes lost in the memories of my dear poor mother.

It's 11pm. I finally decided to head back home after putting flowers on mom's grave.

I was her favourite child and roses were her favourite flowers. At least that's what she said.

I head back home and open the store room door as a little dim light enters her dark room. She looks pale already. She looks hungry. She must be starving. I feel pain to cause her pain and I hate myself for sympathising with my mother's murderer.

It breaks me to see her this way. Naked. Full of tears. Pathetic. But she deserves it all.

"Please don't hurt my parents for my actions, please release them." She begs holding my legs.

"I never kidnapped them. I lied. Don't worry, they won't be involved in all these." I told her the truth-

"Thank you." Was all she managed to say.

"Don't worry. I won't stoop as low as you to hurt your parents. I know how it feels when your parent suffer or die. It feels terrible. I don't want to inflict that pain even on my worst enemy, which is you." I said looking into her eyes.

"Lover to enemies." She chuckled.

"Yeah. Murdering somebody's mother doesn't make someone a role model for them I guess." I said as I looked around the room. There's nothing here.

"Can I please get some water? I am so thirsty." she said. She looks like she's been crying. She must be thirsty. It pains me to say it but I refuse her water and close the room.

I head back to my room and grieve.

There's a glass of water beside me and I reach out to it and put it on my lower lip as Darlina's words ring in my head 'Can I please get some water? I am so thirsty.'

I stop and throw the glass onto the floor which breaks.

Oh, my love. You've punished me with the worst possible pain and it's my obligation to make you feel pain in return but making you suffer makes me suffer too. Weird situations I am in.

No, I don't love her. I hate her. Honestly. I don't know what I actually feel towards her right now. I just feel numb. Very very numb.

I tried to sleep but I couldn't. Memories of my mother haunt me.

Oh Darlina. Once upon a time you were the coolness of my eyes. And today, you're the reason for my blood filled tears.

I forgave you for cheating. But I don't think I can ever forgive you for murdering my mother. Nobody forgives their mom's murderer.

3 days pass by. I haven't entered the store room nor sent anybody to check upon her. I don't know what her current state is.

I have been trying to distract myself with work but I couldn't help but think about her. Is she okay? And I fucking hate myself for worrying about my mom's murderer.

I finally lose the battle with my inner self and enter the store room.

I see her lifeless on the floor.

She hasn't eaten or drank anything for 7 days. Neither did I. But her condition pains me.

"Darlina, get up" I say.

She doesn't respond. My heart starts beating like a drum. I have lost my mom. I couldn't afford to lose her now.

"Darlina!" I shout.

"I am alive." She said.

Thank god.

Murdering my lover isn't something I'd like to do.

"Is it day or night" she said. Poor soul. The fuck is wrong with me. Why am I sympathising with her.

It's day. Getup.

"You stink. Let's get you showered before I fuck you." I say as I take her to the attached bathroom which is very tiny and stinky.

"Why didn't you shower?" I ask her as I drag her to the shower while she doesn't protest.

"My life is meaningless now. I am nothing except your criminal. Who cares if I shower or not." She said hopelessly.

"I do care." I said as I open the shower knob making water fall upon both of us reminding me of the countless number of times we had shower sex in our marriage but again, time is weird.

"Are we done?"she asked and I nodded.

We get out and it's still a very dark room. I open the torch of my phone to see her clearly.

Her beautiful curves which I once admired are shrinking to bones and a layer of flesh.

"What do you want to eat?" I ask as I sit down with her.

"Death." she begs. I can't see her crying. Oh god.

"Come on, get up, let's eat food." I say as I order the maid to bring food and water which they bring in 2 plates and 2 glasses.

I turn off the torch when the maids come into the room. Ain't nobody is allowed to see her naked except me. Especially in this condition.

"Eat it." I tell her as I watch her eating it desperately.

I started eating the food too.

"Didn't you too eat since all these days?" She asked looking upto me as we cherished our first meal hungrily after a week in torch light.

"No, I had tasty buffets all these days. Why would I suffer for you bitch?"

I didn't eat or drink. I am equally dehydrated as her.

Oh Darlina. I need to punish you. But I will also bear this punishment with you.

I watch her drink water desperately. She must be thirsty. I drink water too. Fuck, I am thirsty too.

"I need more water." She said. I ordered the maid to bring a water bottle.

She drinks the water like a little child who just came home after playing a lot of badminton.

I hate to adore my mom's murderer but I can't help it.

"Do you need anything else?" I ask her in a soft tone. Doesn't sound like how somebody should be treating their mother's murderer but yeah. I am an idiot.

"That whole tasty plate of food didn't feel spoiled nor the cold water was 1 drop or 1 sip which you decided to offer me." She said as she looked at me lustfully.

"I was feeling a bit generous. Be grateful." I say as I realise my unmanliness of not sticking to my words but in my defence, seeing her starve broke my heart.

"Really?" She asked narrowing her eyes as I tried to run away from the situation by getting up from the floor and heading towards the door.

"Arnold. I know it's hard for you to cause pain to me. You can't do this." She said as I stopped moving. My back facing her front.

"I am your criminal. Please just kill me. It will be easier." She continued.

I can't. I can't. I can't. I just can't.

I move out from the room without saying anything and lock the room again.

How can somebody still love somebody even after they murdered their mom? Did I love her more than I loved my mom?

Regardless. I will get my birth giver the revenge she deserves but it's not possible if I keep turning soft and weak towards her.

Is it a better idea to turn her to the police and let them take care of it?

No. The punishment for murder could be a death sentence. I can't watch Darlina die. I scream in my room at my own thoughts battling between what's moral and what my heart desires.

My heart desires for her happiness and wellbeing. And I hate my heart and I want to stab my heart for feeling this way.

I don't know what's more painful. Knowing that my mom died. Or knowing that my love killed her.

I laugh at the times a few years ago when Darlina cheated on me with Draxton. I found her naked on his bed. They were still fucking when I entered the room.

I thought it was the end of the world. I was depressed. I thought nothing more was left. But I was wrong. I had my mother. I had everything. That time, I thought life couldn't get any more worse, and here I am today.

A part of me wants to torture Darlina in every way possible and let her pay for my mother's death with her sufferings. But another part of me wants to set her free and punish myself instead by just killing myself. And the second part is dominant. But I won't turn weak! I won't!

Suicide has crossed my mind several times since my mom passed away. But when I listen to her old voice messages which she sent me while I was depressed because of Darlina's cheating, I realise I need to be strong. For her. She wanted me to live. She wanted me to be happy. It would cause her pain if she knew that her son is weak enough to kill himself. I am not weak. I am brave.

Darlina:

I am lifeless on the floor. Naked.

I deserve death. I know.

He can't kill me. I know.

I should kill myself. I know.

The revenge must be served to Arnold's mother by murdering her murderer. And I will murder myself.

But I don't know how to kill myself. This place, as dirty it is, it's safe too.

I can't find a knife or a glass or anything which could help me kill myself.

I try to stop breathing but I just faint and when I wake up and gain consciousness again, I am breathing again. And this process keeps repeating itself. Maybe it's a little game for my boredom at this point.

I don't know what's the time. Or if it's day or night.  It's so dark in here that I could barely recognise myself. My brain feels dead.

I guess I need to wait for 7 more days to see Arnold. Or to get food. Or water. I have tried to drink the toilet's water out of thirst but it was so dirty that my mouth had its worms for a good time.

I cry and curse myself. Nobody but myself inflicted all these upon myself.

After a few hours or days or weeks, I don't really know. I see the door open and somebody rolls a water bottle inside my room.

I don't know who it is but I am just satisfied because I am getting water at least.

Is it Arnold? Poor guy.

Yes it's him. Today I saw his watch on the hand which sends me a water bottle everyday.

I am his criminal. He wants to hate me but he couldn't. He wants to cause me pain but instead he's merciful towards me.

The fifth day when he rolled a water bottle inside my room. I finally told him.

"This isn't the treatment which you should be giving to your mother's murderer."

"So you know it's me. " He said as he entered the room.

"Why are you doing this" I ask.

"Philanthropic activities, nothing more."

He says carelessly.

"Turn me to the police. Let them deal with me. You're just turning all of it and this whole situation romantic." I tell him  being straightforward. I need to be punished. I understand.

"Okay." Was all he said before a complete uncomfortable silence between us.