5. New Normal

The elevator dings open and I begin the unusually long walk to my office like I didn’t just spend the last two weeks not showering and eating my weight in ice-cream.

When I got back to the apartment I used to share with Cam the morning after my ravenous night with Alec, the full weight of the previous day’s events fell on me like a semi truck. Walking into that apartment was like being woken up from a blissful sleep by having ice water dumped on you.

I immediately got to work packing all of Cam’s stuff and putting them into boxes. I then had my brother, and Cam’s (ex?)best friend, come pick them up from from my apartment and drop them off at Cam’s parents’ house; not before making him promise not to tell them anything if Cam hadn’t already.

When I could no longer distract myself with my spring cleaning project, I took in just how devastatingly empty my apartment looked. It felt so cold and hollow. The first couple of nights there I couldn’t even bring myself to sleep in the bed. The thought of sleeping in there and reaching out for Cam’s warmth in the middle of the night and finding no one one his side of the bed, was too much to bear. I spent those nights falling asleep on the couch, bingeing sappy new adult romances on my laptop.

Sometimes my mind would take me back to my night with Alec. He was better than the rumours painted him out to be; he had me thinking that the girls who became obsessed with him after just one night weren’t exaggerated fiction. I think back to how he touched me, how thorough and attentive he had been. How filthy he had been. He brought out something I didn’t even know I had in me.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t touch myself at the memories of that night; but then I’d feel guilty. Like I was betraying something that wasn’t even real. Like I didn’t take enough time to morn what could have been with Cam before jumping into bed with his uncle.

But then just as I would think that, a little voice inside my brain reminds me that Cam and Eliza had an affair for a year. The voice taunts me with ideas of what their conversations were like, what their texts were like.

Did they talk about me? Did they make fun of how oblivious I was to their betrayal? Did they fight about me? Was Camden’s refusal to leave me a point of contention in their relationship? Did they ever talk to each other about how bad they felt for going behind my back, for lying to me?

Those thoughts kept doing rounds in my head. Even when I try to suppress them they’d pop back up like a bad game of wack-a-mole where the prize is just getting one inch above emotional rock bottom.

I also did a lot of cursing in those early days. Actual hexing, to be exact. The witches in the tv shows gave me ideas, so I turned to internet witches to learn how to curse someone. I don’t think it did anything, but it helped a lot more than anything else anyone has ever tried as a heartbreak remedy. It was a solid four star experience.

Still, I couldn’t stand being in my apartment much longer. Nothing I did really helped me to purge the memory of him and I. I just dampened it. Emma and Rachel say that it’s going to take time; that one day I’ll be able to move through life without the constant reminder of their betrayal. But that time has not come yet, so I will be here at work until it does.

Outside of my office, I am greeted by my assistant Liliana. “Welcome back, Miss Caldwell.” She smiles, handing me my usual drink of coffee.

I wince internally at being called Miss Caldwell. “Thanks.” I smile back. “What’s on the books for today?” I ask, continuing into my office.

“Starting light, today being your first day back.” She begins. “Nothing too much, only one meeting on the books for three this afternoon. It’s the one with the inspector to certify the vacation house we just finished by the lake. You also need to go over the plans for the shopping complex and send them to the client as soon as possible.”

“Is that all?” I ask as I take my seat behind my desk.

She nods in response. “Wow, you weren’t kidding, it really is a light day.” I chuckle.

“Oh, and before I forget,” she turns around and leaves the room; only to return with a vase full of flowers of different colours and package. “These came for you today.” She says as she drops them on my desk.

I stand up and look through the flowers, “no card?” I ask her.

“Nope,” she replies.

I open the box to see what’s inside. I push aside the package stuffing to reveal a book on hangover cures. I open it to find a note on the inside cover: “can’t have a headache with that broken heart.”

“Any idea who these could be from?” Liliana asks.

“I haven’t got the slightest clue.” I lie.