Remi drove me to work for my first week at the diner where I learnt everything Sally had to teach me. She was eager for me to be on my own so that she could migrate to Florida for the winter. We had discussed my impending surgery and she had assured me that someone would take over for my two weeks of convalescence.
I enjoyed living with Remi because like everything else in our relationship it was easy and simple. He was uncomplicated and doted on me. Before starting his job in Newfoundland he worked at his dad’s shop as a mechanic. I had met his parents and immediately adored them. They were very supportive of their son and incredibly sweet with me. I was sad when he left in September but I also had a nagging feeling of relief that filled me. Remi had lent me his truck to travel to and from work while he was gone and added me to his TV, internet and electricity account as a shared user so that I could contact them if I needed to.
On
Remi and I were at the hospital for 7 as I had been instructed by the preadmission nurse over the phone. I was fasting and quickly developing a headache from the lack of caffeine in my system. As a show of solidarity, Remi was also fasting and going without his coffee. The nurse weighed and measured me then instructed me to change into a hospital gown before proceeding with a pre-op questionnaire. She ran some blood work, installed an IV into my left hand, brought me a warm blanket and told me that the doctor and anesthesiologist would be in to see me before wheeling me over to surgery.Doctor Helm knocked on the door and introduced himself to Remi. Before turning his attention to me.“How are you feeling this morning, Miss Saunders?” he asked politely.“Nervous”“I can imagine, but rest assured you are in good hands. Did you have any questions for me this morning?”
I returned to Remi’s apartment and took stock of the place. I would most likely be able to move all of my things out in one trip. I did not own any furniture, electronics, blankets, or any household goods, all I had was clothes, a few toiletries, my phone and the plant Gabriel had bought me. I didn’t particularly want to move back to Manitoba and besides, I would need to wait for my biopsy results before I could make up a decision about leaving New Brunswick. I laid in bed cuddling up to a pillow that smelt like Remi and fell into an exhausted dream filled sleep. I did not feel rested when I woke up but decided that I should start looking for an apartment and a car the same day.There was not a whole lot of choice when it came to furnished apartments but in the end I contacted an elderly lady who was renting a room in her house. It would be appropriate lodgings for me as I had very little to bring along. Her house was also close to Sally&
Janice and her boyfriend were picking me up from the airport. Though Sam was a very nice good looking guy he was also very intimidating. His sharp dark eyes were always watching and analyzing the surroundings. I understood that he was a private investigator, but it made me wary to be around him. It was only when we were at Janice’s apartment that he seemed to let his guard down and became warm and open, especially when Janice was around. I totally understood why she was into him. He was the typical tall, dark and handsome guy women sought out.“How long have you two been together now?” I asked when he left to get food for supper.“About a year, but we’ve known each other since we were kids,” she said with a smile.“Does he live here with you?” I asked, curious about their living arrangements.“Oh no!” she laughed. “Sam is far too independent
Dr. Helm sat close to me, his knee touching mine in a comforting way. He took my hand between his and looked at me with an expression of sympathy."I'm afraid I have some bad news," he began. My heart leapt into my throat and I could hear it beating in my ears. "Unfortunately the mass we removed last January was in fact cancerous. You have what is called a differentiated thyroid cancer of the papillary carcinoma variety. The good news is that the tumor was completely encapsulated, which means it most likely didn’t spread. But because we took half of the thyroid out, we need to make sure we didn’t disturb another encapsulation and increase the risk of the cancer spreading. It's unlikely, but I'd rather be safe than sorry, right?" He gave me a small smile as I nodded, unable to say anything. "Honestly, if you were to choose cancer this is the one you would want to choose. The five year survival rate is excellent and most people only need minimal
I woke up to dull rumbling pains in my stomach. I hadn't eaten all day and I suddenly felt dizzy and light headed. I rummaged through my bag looking for a night gown to slip into before heading out of the room. Gabriel was sitting on the couch with the TV on mute, he was absentmindedly watching while strumming his guitar. I watched him, smiling, then he began singing in a deep melodious voice that sent chills down my spine."Ain't no sunshine when she's goneit's not warm when she's awayAin't no sunshine when she's goneAnd she's always gone to longAnytime she goes awayWonder this time where she's goneWonder if she's gone to stayain't no sunshine when she's goneAnd this house just ain't no homeAnytime she goes awayAin't no sunshine when she's gone, gone awayAnd this house just ain't no home
After being cared for by Gabriel for two weeks, the two of us became a little stir crazy. He suggested we start going for walks every night, and drove me around to various little hikes that were suited for my level of activity. The walks we took probably helped increase my activity tolerance but that nagging voice at the back of my head made me dwell on the breathlessness I was feeling. I worried incessantly that my thyroid hormones were below normal levels and I obsessed about whether the cancer had spread elsewhere.Finally, Gabriel brought me to see his family doctor who ran a series of blood work on me and checked to see my levels of thyroid stimulating hormone. Everything was normal but she prescribed some medication to help with my anxiety. Gabriel had a few questions he wanted to ask the doctor and the two of them dismissed me into the waiting room.I picked up an old Canadian Living magazine from the coffee table that was set up in a corner
After spending a long weekend away we returned to Gabriel’s house where I planned on gathering my things and going to my rented room for a few days before starting work again.A black Toyota corolla was parked in Gabriel’s driveway when we arrived and I felt Gabriel tense next to me. Unsure who the car belonged to, I felt it safest not to question him for the time being. As usual he helped me down from the truck and placed me gently on the ground before kissing me. He made two trips to bring all of the bags inside. Chrissy was standing in the living room when entered and I felt the tension leave my body momentarily. I hadn’t asked Gabriel how far along she was but I assumed she was in her third trimester, judging by her basketball sized belly. I had never given pregnancy much thought but seeing Chrissy in all her pregnancy glory got me to thinking about it.“I’ve been trying to reach you all weekend!” sh
Gabriel was already gone when I woke up and I cursed him out for running away from the discussion he had promised. I got ready to go to work and as I was calling a cab, Gabriel pulled up in the driveway. Grumpy, I hopped in his truck and did not look at him when he handed me a coffee. We didn’t speak on the way to the diner but he pulled me in for a kiss before I hoped out. I was in a sour mood all day and snapped at the waiters a few times when they tried to cheer me up. I was officially going to be known as the bitchy chef. I didn’t bother calling Gabriel at the end of my shift but walked to the room I was renting, slumped down on my bed and burst out crying. My landlady was gone for the week so I wasn’t expecting to hear anyone knocking gently at my bedroom door. Before I could answer, the door slowly swung open, revealing a puffy eyed Gabriel. “Harper, I’m sorry” he started, avoiding my eyes, “I can’t… I don’t want kids”
Lane and her boyfriend Alexy, along with Matteo and his wife, were joining us on our vacation, having rented the cottages next to ours for the week. Lane, who was 33 weeks pregnant and glowing, had been visiting us at least every 2 months for the first three years after Emily was born until she met one of Gabriel’s employees one summer and fell madly in love with him. Since my mom had also met someone back home and was living with him, Lane felt less guilt about moving out to New Brunswick. Her and her boyfriend were living in a beautiful home only 10 minutes drive away from Gabriel and I.Matteo’s kids were all grown now and rarely followed their parents around anymore. He and his wife were enjoying their first solo vacation in years, but had decided to spend it with our family. Being godparents to Felix, they tried to be as present in our lives as they could.
“I. don’t. Want. to. Go!” Emily shouted, clearly exhausted by our little family vacation. We had pulled up to the Champlain Mall in Dieppe to pick up a few things I had forgotten at home before we made it to the cottage we had rented by the ocean another 45 minutes away.“I can stay with her while you get what you need, baby,” Gabriel offered, the most patient out of the two of us. With a lump in my throat and trying to keep the tears at bay I nodded. “You can leave Felix in the truck too if you want” he offered looking over to our 4 year old with a grin. Felix looked so much like Hendrix it was freaky and the two, despite the age difference, were thick as thieves.“Do you want to stay with daddy or come with mommy, Fee?” I asked.“Daddy!” he exclaimed.“Okay I will be back as soon as possible” I said, unbuckling my seat belt. Ga
I watched the people milling about from the dining room window, there were 30 or so people waiting in the backyard while rock music played on. I couldn’t see Gabriel from where I was standing but I could just imagine what he looked like in an outfit similar to Hendrix’s. I could hardly contain my excitement at seeing him.I admired Lane’s beautiful set up and hoped it wasn’t going to rain, as the skies were grey with clouds. Lane had strategically hung white sheer linen in some of the trees and placed lanterns as decorations. There were rows of white chairs occupied by the guests and white flower petals down the would-be aisle. I spotted a makeshift bar with huge ‘Beer and Whiskey’ signs hanging above it and laughed. Of course Gabriel would make sure the guests were well ‘watered’. The backyard had a very magical feeling about it. 
With everyone’s help and support the first week of Emily’s life went on without a hitch. I went on a few emotional roller coasters and woke up soaked in sweat a few times at night. But in all I couldn’t ask for a better baby. Emily was easily content, sleeping most of the day and only waking for feeds and diaper changes.My mom took on the role of grandmother very well, she rocked, washed, and cooed at Emily every chance she had. Janice cooked up a storm for everyone staying with us and froze several meals for when we were on our own again. Lane and I spent most of Emily’s feeding time in my bed going over wedding details and ideas.“I trust you, Lane” I told her for the millionth time, “do whatever you want!” Lane took a deep exasperated breath and let it out slowly, gently stroking Emily’s head. 
At 40 weeks, I was exhausted, cranky and swollen all over. I went out for walks with Axel and Gabriel every morning while Lane had been sending Janice new recipes to induce labor for the last two weeks and each day, Janice brought me some new miraculous concoction guaranteed to work. At night Gabriel gave me mind shattering orgasms to stimulate contractions, and I felt bad that his fiancé was now the size of a beached whale. Not that he would say such things, but I was disheartened by the way I looked and felt. I knew it was temporary but I was getting anxious to meet my baby. Sam, Janice’s boyfriend, was helping with some projects around the house and cottage to keep Gabriel occupied while the four of us waited impatiently for the stork to drop by.Finally one night as we lay in bed after an ordinary day, I felt a distinct popping in my lower belly before a rush of liquid squirted out of me. As fast as I could, I rolled out of bed and waddled
“Gabe I know you’re going to hate this idea, but I booked myself in for a maternity photoshoot and I would love for you to be there” I said, bracing myself for the inevitable rejection.“Sure,” he said, not taking his eyes off his laptop screen.“Were you listening?”“Yes, you have a maternity photoshoot and you want me to be there”“In the photos though”“Yes, that’s fine” he said as he placed his laptop on the coffee table and grabbed my foot to massage it.“You're sure?” I asked, stifling a groan of pleasure as he massaged my calf.“Yes Harper, I will be there in the photos with you and your belly. It’s fine” he said with finality.“Oh, well thank you”“When is it?”&
By December Gabriel and I had fully returned to our old routine. Though the pain of losing a baby never quite goes away, it becomes a little more bearable as the days go on.Sally had asked me to return to the diner for the winter, but I got an even more enticing job as an instructor at the community college. I would deliver a certain amount of theory content during the fall and winter semesters and in the summer I would take on the students at Gabriel’s work sites in order to give them hands-on practice. After a long and thorough conversation with Gabriel I sadly declined Sally’s offer and took on the college job. I loved having a 9-4 job that allowed me to be at home in the evening. Gabriel had secured a few building jobs around town and was also home every night. He frequently assured me he didn’t find life with me dull and always looked forward to coming home and seeing me each night.Our new house was everything I co
*Warning, this chapter deals with traumatic subject matter that could upset some readers*We had made it to the last couple of weeks of the summer with very little excitement at the camp. Everything seemed to be running smoothly and Gabriel proudly announced this was his most successful season so far. The house had sold and we had slowly started to move into our new house, though we spent most of our time at the cottage to enjoy the lake on our days off.“Why are you making a bagel?” Gabriel asked one morning as he filled his plate with bacon and eggs.“To eat…” I said with a frown.“You don’t eat bagels” he said looking at me curiously, “Is this a pregnancy thing?”“No, I don’t, and no it’s not”“Who are you specially making bagels for?” he asked, annoyed.&ld
I had my follow up ultrasound and blood work done during March and awaited the results impatiently. I knew Gabriel was just as anxious about it as I was but he was better able to mask his anxiety as he kept busy with work.Luckily, the ground began thawing and construction on our new house began. This gave me a brief moment of respite as I focused on the blueprints, choosing paint and flooring. It was an exciting process to watch, one day there was a huge hole in the ground, then there was a foundation and soon walls were being put up.Matteo had come down to help Gabriel get ready for the season. He was staying in Chrissy’s old room while he was with us and went home on the weekend to see his family. Gabriel and Matteo were away most of the day and I took those opportunities to pack up the house and deal with the realtors. Since our new house wasn’t going to be ready until the fall Gabriel had rented a storage unit as I had su