4

It was so awkward four years ago to join my circle of friends with majority of them bringing their spouse and kids at the outings. Four years ago, when I broke my engagement with Josh.

I was alone, while they were busy chatting with their partners. Well they did try to include me in their conversation but sometimes you know, you just feel it. Alone. Even among the crowd who loves you.

Now I'm immune already, I even help babysit their kids while they enjoy their food.

"Oh my God!" Kelly's gasp distract me from continuing telling May about my healthy brownie recipe. All of us turn to the figure that's hugging her.

"Chris?!" May stands up and runs to him. My heart stops beating seeing his wide smile as he hugs his best friend.

Well, used to be best friend. Heck, I'm not even sure if they're still best friends since May never mentions about him in front of me. Either out of respect or simply because they're not talking anymore.

"Dude, when did you come back?" Edward bumps his hand with his as both of them laughs, "Looking good, Chris."

All of them even the one that just joined our group hugs him, exchanging greetings while my butt is stuck on the chair. Should I go as well? Or stay here and give a polite smile? A wave perhaps?

"Hey," he comes over and smiles at me. Oh God, why is he more attractive now than 10 years ago when I rejected his proposal.

"Hey." I awkwardly smile at him when Allan suddenly comes and pulls him aside. They chat while I'm left alone again, making me feel like I'm not worth his attention.

The whole brunch feels weird from that moment on. All of them focuses on him, listening to his story and what he's been up to these days. Apparently he just moved from UK four months ago, for good, and currently a paeditrician at a private hospital.

"You're okay, right?" May whispers when we're at a corner.

I sip my wine as I smile, "Of course, why wouldn't I?"

"Good. Because he has a girlfriend."

"And?" Meh, why would I care? It's been 10 years. And I was the one who rejected him, not the other way round.

"Just warning you. Since you're-"

"The only one single here? Really May?" I put down my glass and walk to the kitchen, looking for the host of this party. I'm leaving.

"Noooo that's not what I mean. Hey hey hey, I'm sorry," she grabs my hand, turns me around to make me look at her face, "I'm sorry, Nina."

"It's been so long. I've dated so many guys after him, even engaged to one, I'm over him."

I'm over him, that's been my chant since we broke up. But deep down I question myself if I really think of it that way. 

He's the guy who introduced me to all sorts of buttery feelings. He's the longest relationship I've ever had. I have been imagining for him to come back every time my date turns bad, even when I broke my engagement with Josh. I always picture us as a married couple, even after what he did, or what I did which is rejecting him. So yeah, I ask myself too if I am indeed over my first love?

Because he set the bar so high no guys can ever reach up to his.

"Alright, but I'm sorry okay? I really am sorry, Nina." She hugs me and just like that we're good again. She's been my rock ever since we're in high school. She might be his best friend but she's also my best friend. She's always on my side when it comes to both of us, even if she's his best friend first.

***

"Juicy," Toffer grins as he resurfaces from my heated sex.

I prop both of my elbows up, looking at his boyish grin, "The gossip or my sex fluid?"

He laughs out loud as he sits up, I'm also laughing at my own question. Sex fluid? Really Nina?

I was telling him about Christian while he's busy drinking my sex fluid from the three orgasms he gave me before this heart-to-heart session. He didn't even flinch, I thought he didn't hear what I was saying. And yes, I was so absorbed with my story telling I didn't bother focusing on my perhaps-another-orgasm-could've-come. That is after the third one. 

"Too bad he has a girlfriend." He shrugs, now crawling to be by my side.

"Meh, it's not like I'm gonna ask him for a date. That chapter is closed already," I tell him in a determined voice, "we've dated, we've broken up, we've dated again and again, I rejected his proposal, there, done and dusted. We've hit all milestones there's nothing to reach for anymore. I've made peace with that."

I haven't. Like I said, I still imagine spending the rest of my life with him.

"Then why are you still a virgin?" He challenges. Shit he knows me too well.

Fine, perhaps I also imagine having my first time with my first love.

"Oh shut up."

He laughs, now curling his hand across my front, somewhat hugging me, "You want him to deflower you. Awww what a love story," he makes a mocking face and that's when I push him away.

"Can you leave?" I ask him, getting annoyed. I don't appreciate being cornered this way. He knows me, he knows about all my fantasies, imaginations, hopes and ambitions, so shut the fuck up. There's no need to mouth those things into words.

"You've dated so many great guys, you were engaged with Josh for two years, but I know none of them compares to him. So why not you just try once again, have sex with him, and finally move on?" He gives a little speech as he puts on his shirt, now walking to the door.

"I'm saving it for my husband." I counter back defensively.

"Then marry him if that's what you need to do for you to finally move on."

"He has a girlfriend."

He smirks and jumps back on the bed, "So you dooo want to try again with him. You want him to deflower you."

"Can you stop with the deflower? It's just sex anyway." I shrug my shoulder when he comes closer, with an evil face.

"Let's 'just' have sex, then?" My leg kicks him instantly the moment the proposal was blurted out. He laughs even though he seems to be in pain, covering his groin to avoid another assault.