Chapter 4 - Confession

One of the reasons that drive Joan to act out of the ordinary without thinking now is his memory of meeting Lynd 10 years ago. That moment for him was a meeting that became a precious, beautiful memory. Joan did not think that after that Lynd would disappear again or be difficult to contact even though they had exchanged contact. As long as they met Joan didn't notice Lynd's odd behavior and thought all was well. Then in reality it turned out to be just Joan's vision-judgment alone. This time after seeing her rushing away, looking for excuses, and secretly crying earlier, how could Joan let her go and part like this. When it became clear that Lynd was hiding something from him.

Joan took Lynd to the hotel lounge. Only that place seemed quieter, quieter than the hotel area other than the hotel room. Joan and Lynd sat there, choosing a spot in the corner of the room.

“Joan, what do you mean bring me all the way here?” Lynd's tone was clear of protest.

"Sorry, I just wanted to talk to you alone." Joan reflected on his actions after they happened.

"What are you want?" Lynd was deliberately cold. But that attitude made Joan even more confused.

"You are mad at me? Is it because I forced you to come with me here?”

"What do you want to talk to me about?" demanded Lynd not to answer Joan's question.

Joan's face looked sad, the nuances between them became more sensitive. "I miss you. After our meeting that time, I always think of you, Lynd. Whenever I have a hard time I want to meet you and share stories, just like that day.” Joan looked firmly at Lynd. The look in his eyes softened Lynd's feelings.

Why is it so easy for Joan to say the word missing? Even though Lynd was suffering so much from holding back this desire when she was dealing with him like this alone. Joan had no idea how hard this together was for Lynd. It was the awareness of their status that made Lynd still cling to her senses now. Yes, Lynd and Joan's relationship is only friends. Joan already holds the status of someone's husband. Lynd couldn't shorten the distance she had set since realizing her feelings for Joan.

"Joan, I don't understand what you mean. Do you think we can be friends?”

Joan looked at Lynd in confusion. “Aren't we already friends with, Lynd? You are my friend. And I want our friendship to be closer in the future. I want us to keep in touch, to meet like this.”

“Relate as friends you mean?”

"Of course," he said. "I want us to maintain this friendship, you can also tell me about whatever your problem is. I regret our last meeting, I didn't do anything for you. I feel indebted to you.”

"Debt of gratitude? Haha, that's exactly what I did for you." Lynd's laughter was ridiculous. Besides, Joan's offer did not interest her, to make friends become friends to share life's problems. What if the problem Lynd had was about Joan himself. How could Lynd tell him?

“I survived today because of your words back then Lynd, you gave me strength as well as support. I want to be someone like that for you too, even if it's just a friend to share your pain with."

Why did Joan think Lynd had the same thoughts and desires, even though for her that day the meeting was one of the things that Lynd regretted. If at that time she had not met Joan, surely she would not have this love now.

“No Joan, I can't be your friend. And I also hope we don't see each other again." Lynd refused firmly, much to Joan's surprise.

"Lynd, what do you mean?"

Lynd didn't answer.

"Lynd wait! Did I do something wrong?” Lynd had suddenly left and was crying. Joan began to wonder if Lynd was crying because of her. “Lynd I'm sorry if I did something wrong, or offended you, made you sad. Honestly, I don't understand what I did and disappointed you—”

"Joan, I hope you can respect my wish."

Joan was still looking at Lynd with a shocked expression on his face.

“No, Lynd please tell me that I did something wrong. I'll fix it, can you explain it to me?" again Joan held her, stopping her from leaving. Lynd's hand on the table Joan easily grasped without any weight.

Lynd lost her temper, she was the only one on the verge of madness here. All Joan's words, his actions eroded Lynd's final defense. "Joan you don't understand. Won't be able to understand! I'm not asking you to understand either. It's just... I don't want us to meet or be in touch again." Lynd stood up to leave but Joan still held her hand.

"But why Lynd? What is the reason?"

"Don't make me talk Joan, you'll regret it." If Lynd told him the reason like Joan's request, things and the relationship between them would never go back to how they used to be. Better to end without Joan knowing anything.

"You mean? At least let me understand what you mean by all this coldness, rejection, and distancing of yours, Lynd. Don't go like this." Joan asked. The problem of regretting or not will be faced him once the situation is clear. The reason Lynd was behaving this way to him.

Lynd closed her eyes, feeling like she was on the verge of losing her mind in the face of Joan who was so obsessed with her right now, for some reason. Lynd was determined, her heart had already made up her mind. Taking a deep breath steadied her to dare to speak, not only to be brave but also to forget her shame. Lynd resigned after this her relationship with Joan would be irreparable.

Lynd looked straight into the face of the man in front of her. “Joan I like you, have feelings for you. That's why I want us to stop seeing each other."

The first sentence Lynd said made Joan freeze, for a moment he doubted his hearing. Meanwhile, Lynd tried her best not to run away. The look on Joan's face right now was driving Lynd almost crazy. But she was halfway through her voice, and Lynd decided to let it all out.

"I don't want to see you again in the future. At whatever opportunity comes up in the future, I will avoid you. Wherever you are I will go away. That's why we don't have to talk to each other anymore. And you know very well the reason why I'm behaving like this to you." Lynd could feel Joan's grip weakening. Perhaps because he was surprised to hear her long and too honest confession. Whatever it was, Lynd didn't care, she had already said everything. "Now I have to go."

Lynd still had to meet Sarah and then say goodbye to go from there to go back home. Lynd left Joan alone who was still digesting the situation. A few moments passed, and Joan still sitting alone after Lynd's departure.

“Lynd likes who? W-what does this mean!” Joan's head was spinning, his head stopped working normally after hearing what Lynd said. But his heart was pounding hard, the more Lynd's words replayed as if recorded in memory. “Lynd likes me? No. Joan wait! Lynd said she didn't want to see you again." Joan knew the reason, Lynd didn't want to see him again because of Joan's married status.

Yes, the status as a husband whose wife is pregnant with their future child. She was right, chasing after Lynd wasn't making Joan feel better. It seems that now he chose the wrong path. How did he face Lynd after this.

"Sigh... That right, Lynd doesn't want to see me anymore.." Remembering Lynd's words, something in his heart screamed to reject this one-sided decision.

Should it go that far, Joan is already married then does his status prohibit him from making friends? From the very beginning what Joan offered Lynd was friendship. What's wrong with that.