BEFORE SHE REMEMBERED

The night quickly drew closer, and even if it was not a formal event, my glam team worked on my appearance, when I protested, they inform me that this was what they did, and I only had to do my part later. I smile between them, wondering if this was how it felt to have friends, the swelling feeling in my chest, the rush between in my veins, was this the reason people had friends?

 I was always good at being another people, being myself was where I had the trouble, that was why acting was everything to me. That was why when I was not acting, I had no idea how to relate with people, how to act without a script, how to exist without direction, what to do without the cameras, that was where I fell short, my own body felt foreign, how do I place my hands without coming off as awkward as I felt? No director told you if your facial muscles were not relaxed enough as you went about making friends. And this was the grand reason I have no single person to call my friend in all my twenty nine years of being alive.

 Actually, there might be one, but is it fair to call him my friend? He was the only one in my college class who spoke to me as a person, not as the famous Lily from one of my hit series Dancing Lilies. But he stopped coming to school after that semester, and I don’t even remember his name anymore.

 “I so blessed to be working on the hair of such magnificence.” My hair stylists sighs dramatically, clenching her chest as she does.

I play with my hands as my face redden from the compliment. Another thing I didn’t know what to do with, was compliments, how do you respond to that? My eyes find the Mary Janes I begged them to let me wear just for this evening, like they were the most interesting things on earth.

 “You are going to spoil her silly with those compliments of yours, remember, our darling Rachel is the face of innocence all over the world, and we want to keep it that way.” Hank warns jokingly.

That was another thing to add to the list of things I don’t know what to do with, few years ago, a magazine dubbed me the face of innocence as all of my scripts were sweet and innocent, and in their words, ‘The face of a baby, the heart of angel, and a smile that radiates warmth... Rachel Greene, the fair and innocent maiden we must protect.’

The day I read that magazine, I hoped the earth would open up and swallow me, every one made sure to remind me of it, I still don’t know how to react to the name. But Gregory was hooked, he made sure all of my outfits revolved around the theme, I did not mind at first, but imagine being constantly dressed up like a doll, it was tiring.

 My hair were weaved into two french braids, with ribbons looping in and out of them, Gregory had given his signature thumbs up in approval of my outfit, and even if I had something to say against the outfit- something I rarely ever did, pleading for the Mary Janes instead of the six inch heeled boots I would have worn was the first in years- this was the night I wanted to do something different, like make a move on him.

 I raise my eyes to the mirror in front of me and catch his eyes in them, he gives me his usual nod, his phone plastered against the side of his face, most likely in a meeting. I look away immediately, like I had been caught with my thoughts out in the open for everyone to see.

How was I suppose to do this if I can’t even look him or anyone else in the eye? I consider doing a quick g****e search, but the thought of it was too embarrassing, so I ditch the thought as it came.

 Fiefie danced into my perspective as if commanded by me, or fate. Maybe the universe wanted me to get laid as soon as possible. I quickly get up from my stool and pull her by the arm to the bathroom, she follows me, and so does the eyes of everyone else.

 “Wow, someone is in a hurry.” Fiefie chuckles,

I snatch my hands from her, apologizing for the way I pulled her, she let out a short laugh and said it was no biggie since we were friends.

 Hope bloomed in my chest as she says this words, maybe twenty nine was not too old to find friends.

“How do I... uhm.. how do I make...” I sigh wearily, my fingers played with themselves, locking and unlocking each other in my palms, they were already moist and I didn’t even speak to him yet.

 “Are you asking me how you are supposed to make a move on our dear Greg? You?”

She asks this as if she is genuinely curious about my inability to speak to someone that was not in the movie, without following a script. It was easy actually, I just spent all my life in an orphanage waiting for my parents that were never going to come back, and when you do that, you have no time to make friends.

 “I don’t know how to...” I start but I am not sure how to finish, so my eyes return to my Mary Janes, and the bathroom floor by default, the name of the agency I am signed with is sprawled all over the floor, like everything else they own, Tristar Entertainment.

Fiefie gripped my shoulders, making me look up at her with wide eyes, she has a soft smile on her face, her dark eyes telling me they understood.

 “You are Rachel Greene, not the sitcom version, she is great, but she does not compare to the real life version. Asides the fact that all the girls would kill to be you, and the guys would kill to be seen with you, you are beautiful, sexy, underneath that innocent persona, you should exercise it tonight.”

 A soft smile slips out of my lips,

“I don’t know how to tap into that, it might as well be nonexistent.”

She lets go of my shoulders, but peers at me intently, I lean away from her, and she moves back in even closer.

 “Wait, when was the last time you were with a man, not onscreen, and those don’t even count since they do not go beyond the chaste kiss on the lips, and the barest minimum of skin contact.”

 I felt myself flush but I say nothing, and that is enough of an answer for Fiefie since her jaw practically drops to the ground.

“What about Gerald Templeton?”

The male lead from my last movie, like everyone else on the internet, she believed we had the cutest chemistry but nothing happened, I greatly suspect he is gay, and I saw him as a coworker, nothing more.

 “Okay fine, alcohol is the simple answer, how much of a drinker are you?”

My tongue darts out and wets my lips,

“A glass or two of wine if I feel like taking the edge off.”

Fiefie looks almost insulted,

“Don’t worry, under my supervision, you will do great.”

I had believed her, but as soon as we got there, she disappeared into the crowd, if the spaced out look in her eye was any indication, she was flat out drunk. I shrug, throwing caution to the wind, and follow her footsteps.

 The number of shots I had swallowed were irrelevant, as I was moving in the direction of Gregory, who had been nursing a single scotch since we got here, I know because I had been watching.

 “Gregory... that is a mouthful, how am I supposed to moan that?” For some reason, this was extremely funny to be, I giggle.

“Miss Rachel Greene, you are drunk.” he says this like he says everything else, matter of factly.

“Seriously, why can’t I call you Greg?” I had not realized that bothered me, but he asked me to call him that from the moment we met till today.

“You are drunk Miss Greene, perhaps I should take you home.”

I sigh and snatch his drink, the world was blurry but at the same time everything came into focus for me, the way that the blaring music pulsed inside of my chest, and the way I needed desperately the touch of a man.

 “Tell me Gregory.”

He sighed, “Fine, don’t drink anymore.”

I give him a look, and he raises his brows before dropping them, I could see that he was still sober.

 “This is a work relationship Miss Greene, the lines should not blur against the other.”

I lean in close, so that we were in each other’s personal space,

 “What if I want more? Can I moan Greg then?”