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Special Chapter: Emptiness
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2021-05-21 20:57:10Maze's
I decided to live in a dormitory near the campus where I enrolled for it doesn't have curfews. It's also been a year when I first came here and if it wasn't for Top and Mark who convinced me to enrol again for this academic year, I would have never want to study again. Not when I'm still unsure if I'll be staying here for a long time. But they are both right, it would be such a waste for me not to study while I'm still here.
If I had decided to enrol last year, then I'll probably be at the same year as Top by now since I just finished my first year when I ran from home. I'm also a Psychology student in my former university. It's also been a week since the class started but I filed a one week break with the reason that I had to work on my papers. I was able to change my name from King to Johnson. And so far, that's the biggest thorn that I'm able to remove in my heart.
That I am not carrying the cheater's name anymore.
Tomorrow will be the official start of me as a student again. And I've never been so exhausted just by thinking of the fact that there's a possibility that Gab and I will be on the same class. I know for a fact that our friends thought that I'm being unreasonable for acting rude and blunt towards Gab but I just can't help it. If only I haven't witness his confrontation with that girl from the rooftop, it would've been a better introduction. But I'm also thankful that I get to know what kind of person he is really early. It would be easier for me to distance myself from him.
I hate cheaters.
They are the main reason why my Mom is gone.
I sighed as I sat down at the edge of my bed while still looking around the lifeless room. My eyes stopped at my study table where I placed my laptop and Mom's photos.
It was then I saw the little box that she left for me. I tried to open it once but never dared to open it again.
It makes me want to puke just by reading it.
I thought it's my Mom's suicide letter but no.
She wrote about love. How beautiful it was. How wonderful it is to be in love. How life would be better if you have someone to love and hold onto.
And that fucking quotation about 'beat' that I wasn't able to fathom no matter how hard I try.
And I can't help but to mock her.
Just how the fuck was she able to see love in a beautiful way when it was actually the main reason why she gave up her life? It's fucking obvious that she was sugarcoating.
It's as if she's trying to make me believe a lie by being pretentious and used beautiful words just to make me believe that love is actually wonderful. It was then I realized that I'm laughing at my Mom's hypocrisy again. I wasn't able to control my tears when it started to roll down my cheeks as I indulge the feeling of emptiness inside me.
How can I believe in love when my life is revolving around cheaters?
How can I fucking believe about that 'beat' my Mom was talking about when I can't even understand it?
How can I ever believe in love amidst of the fact that I've been in pain my whole life?
My life is fucking full of questions.
But none of it has been answered.
I looked at my Mom's photos once again and smiled bitterly.
"If only you're strong enough to live for me, it could've been better, Mom." I said as I try to wipe my tears only to be replaced by another set of tears. "You will talk about love, and I'll listen to you. Maybe then, I'll believe you. I'll believe that love is beautiful and having someone is wonderful if only I still have you. You're the only one that I have ever love, Mom. I wish I still have you. I wish you were here."
And just like how I spent most of my nights alone, I cried myself to sleep like it was the usual thing to do.
Crying alone.
It has been my routine.
My life.
Empty.
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