The Guilt

ATHENA

I slowly opened my eyes, hearing the sounds of birds chirping. I felt groggy and pain shot through me as I tried to sit up. I looked around the room and noticed that I was in my chamber. I had no memory of being here.

Did the fight not happen?

At this thought, the memory of it hit me like a ton of bricks. For a moment, I thought it may have been just a bad dream, but the weight of the guilt confirmed that the incident had actually taken place.

The sound of Zara's lifeless body hitting the ground echoed in my ears, and the horrified gasps of the crowd still rang in my head.

I couldn't remember how I ended up in my chambers, but it hardly mattered. What mattered was that I had killed someone. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. The mating games were supposed to be a celebration of life and love, but now like other aggressive wolves, I too stained with blood and death.

I slipped out of bed, the need to run filling my chest. There was no way I was going to stay and have an angry Nero as my mate. That wasn’t going to work and I preferred being out there in the wild, the unknown going with me as a friend than be around him.

Not because I was scared, but because I simply felt too guilty to look him in the face.

I could run, and he would be made to wed someone else he didn’t hate or he could be alone until the time that he was ready.

“Forgive me my Queen, Alpha. But I have to do this.” I muttered as I pulled my coat over my body and made my way out of my room.

I had no need for anything else. I didn’t deserve anything.

“Going somewhere?” A voice said in the dead of the night startling me. My heart began to race as I saw Nero step out of the shadows, his eyes blazing with anger as he approached me.

I gasped when he got close to me. “Nero.” I breathed unsure of what else to say.

“You commit murder; get away with it only to want to run away. How noble of you.”

He knew what I was trying to do even without telling or having packed items with me. I could pass as someone who just wanted to take some air but that would be a lie and somehow I knew he could tell.

His words cut through me like a knife. I knew I deserved his hatred, but it still hurt to hear it spoken out loud. He got so close and clamped his large hands around my throat and pressed hard, the action getting repetitive it was exhausting.

I couldn’t believe it when he called me a murder. My heart raced with fear, knowing that he was just looking for someone to blame.

My neck was still sore from Zara’s strangling yesterday and now this. My skin burned and my neck muscles hurt a double time.

"I didn't mean to," I whispered, tears welling up in my eyes. "It was an accident. I didn’t mean for her to die"

"An accident?" Nero laughed bitterly. "Tell that to Zara's family. She’s the only one Zavier had left and you took her away from him. Away from me and you call that an accident?!" Nero pressed a little more. I waited for death to come take me but just as I was going to pass out from the lack of oxygen, Nero released me.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know she was going to slip and fall.” I said coughing and wheezing, taking in a much air as my lungs could take.

“You took away the one good thing in my life. From now on, every day that you live, I will make it miserable and uncomfortable for you. You will wish that you had died yesterday instead of Zara, I promise you that.”

I felt sick to my stomach at the thought of what Zara's family must be going through. I didn’t know much about them but I knew her twin Zavier, I had seen him a couple of times training with them. I had taken his sister’s life, and there was no way to undo it.

Nero continued to berate me, his words harsh and unforgiving. I knew I deserved his anger, but it only made my sadness weigh heavier on my chest.

“I’m sorry.” Became my new song. For as long as I heard him talk, I sang it with tears in my eyes as I sobbed.

“You should have thought about that before you ruined my life,” Nero said coldly.

I looked up at him, fear etched on my face. “Please, Nero,” I begged. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Nero just sneered at me. “Save your apologies for someone who cares. And don’t even think about running away. I will find you and I will end you myself, don’t test me Athena.” he said before turning around and walking away.

As he stormed away, I was left alone with my thoughts once again.

I felt drained, emotionally and physically, and I did not know how to carry on. I felt a sense of despair and helplessness wash over me. I let myself grieve, letting my tears fall freely, and hoping that somehow, someway, things would get better.

The self-doubt and guilt that weighed heavily on me made me feel like I couldn’t breathe.

No matter how many times I try to tell him that it was an accident, he still insisted that I had killed Zara. My guilt slowly started to turn into anger and resentment towards him.

Why should I have given up my own life when I have barely lived for someone who has had her share of love?

I stayed out for some time, letting Nero’s threat seep through me. He was at the point where he’d hurt me just to prove his point and I didn’t want to test the theory on if he could kill me or not.

I walked back to my room, feeling the need for a shower. I had woken up without a care that I didn’t get to shower and I reeked of sweat and blood.

I took off my clothes and got under the shower and turned it on. I forgot to turn on the hot water to balance the cold one out until it was too late. I gasped at the coldness of the water as it made contact with my skin. It felt icy but soon, my body adapted to the coldness.

“Athena? Are you alright dear?” I heard the Queen’s voice call out from the door.

What was she doing here? Did Nero perhaps tell her that I was about to run away?

“Yes, Your Majesty, I’ll be right out.” I answered, rushing to grab my towel. I had hoped that I would spend some time allowing the flow of the water wash away my sins and guilt.

“Some other time then.” I murmured to myself as I wrapped the towel around my chest and walked out of the bathroom.

“You called for me.” I said, taking note of the bowl the Queen had in her hand.

“Yes dear, are you feeling better now?” she asked, making her way towards me.

“Yes your Majesty, I do feel better thank you.”

The Queen’s eyes looked as though she was searching for something around my chest, her gazed rested on it and it made me suddenly insecure, wondering what she might have seen.

As I looked down to check, a hand of her lifted my chin up so that she could look at me closer.

“What is this on your neck dear? Did someone hurt you?” she asked, worry laced in her eyes.

“On my neck? I don’t think-” I started to say until I remembered that just a few moments ago; Nero had strangled me so hard I almost passed out. My eyes widened in horror when I rushed over to the mirror and saw a huge red mark around my neck.

“Who did this to you?” the Queen asked again, this time her voice was firm. “And don’t you even think about lying to me missy.”

I looked down, tears pooling my eyes. The pain I had forgotten came rushing back to me once again.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt her.” I said, my voice shaking, I had suddenly forgotten what she had asked me.

“Oh Athena.” She said pulling towards my bed. “Oh dear. I told you already that it wasn’t your fault sweetie. Zara had it coming. If she had accepted her loss, she would still be alive right now. You are in no way at fault.”

I sniffled, trying to digest her words. I knew it was an accident and that I truly had no fault but it was hard accepting it, especially when I had to watch the horror in her eyes as she fell, hoping that I would be fast enough to catch her.

Maybe if I was fast, I could have and she would have been alive right now and Nero wouldn’t have to hate me so much.

Just maybe.

I nodded as she tried to rub my wet hair. “Come now, here’s the medicine the physician recommended for you. Drink up.” She said handing me the soup bowl.

I looked at her, then at the contents of it and a frown formed on my face. It was greenish and it smelt bad.

I decided it would be best to hold my breath as I drank up in a big gulp to avoid tasting it for long.

By the time that I did, I regretted it because I choked when I heard her speak.

“We need to prepare for your wedding.”