Unsurprisingly, nothing can steady the butterflies in my belly and the heady feeling that kiss left me with until this morning. I have to admit that after getting on my bed, I couldn’t stop reliving that kiss over and over again, even my dream. Hence my good mood though I didn’t sleep that long.
Or, that well. Wink!His kiss, oh my God, his kiss was soooo good I can still taste it on my lips. How Nate stirred my feelings with only his tongue. I cannot imagine what will happen to me if we ever go further than that. I will be doomed, of that I’m sure.But, it will be a good way to go, right? To die in the arms of your loved ones. To die in pleasure. To die in love.Ah, in love.I can’t wait to–“Bug, wake up! I brought your joe and cupcakes!”Yummy! There's coffee! And ...Wait, what?Isn’t that Adrian’s voice? He is in my apartment? Why is he in my apartment? What did he just say? Joe? Cupcakes?Wait, wait, wait. Cupcakes. Cupcakes!“Coming!” I shout from behind my bedroom door.Half confuse but overcome with excitement, I hurriedly slip my college sweatshirt above my tank top and get out of my room.Adrian is selecting ESPN while parking his hulking body on the couch across the TV. Hearing my steps, he glances back at my direction. “Come sit. Have a breakfast with me.” He pats the space beside him.I obey my older and much bigger brother’s wish and sit beside him because of one reason only. “Cupcakes, you say?”It’s nine in the morning, on a Sunday, when my perfectionist older brother usually use this time to rest before his crazy week start again. But, now, here he is, in my apartment, on my couch sipping coffee and watching TV, a dozen of cupcakes ready on the coffee table. “What’s wrong?” I ask him with furrowed brow, confuse and suspicious of his sudden appearance.“Nothing,” he answers, acting nonchalant. “Can’t brothers have a breakfast with their lovely sister once in a while?”I don't answer him.Adrian exhales at my narrowed eyes. “Just eat, bug. Here.” He hands me a triple chocolate cupcake, my kryptonite.I surrender. “Okay, then.” I take my first bite and everything is right again.We sits in silence with Adrian watching the sport and me devouring my treat while checking feeds on twitter. I’m on my second cupcake when he mutes the TV and turn to face me. “So ...”So, there is a reason.“Out with it,” I demand without looking up from my phone. I know he have a motive. Nothing more important than structure in Adrian’s world.“About your date last night.”My eyes flies to Adrian’s uncomfortable face. “Lincoln told you, didn’t he?”Sensing, or more like seeing, my change of mood, he tries another approach. “Tell me about him.”I cross my arms across my chest, suddenly feeling defensive. “There’s nothing to tell,” I reply curtly, clearly annoyed. I cannot believe Lincoln told Adrian about Nate and my DATE? There wasn’t a date, and if there was, why did he care? Who did he think he is, spying on my personal issues and gossiped it to Adrian?I tell Ad this much.He chuckles. “Come on, bug, we don’t gossip.”“That’s not the point, Ad,” I quip back. “I’m twenty four, I’m building my own career. I’m sure I can look after myself. Tell him to back off.”Adrian clears his throat. “Look, Bug, I know you’re upset, but believe me, Linc’s intention was good. And still is. He just wanted to look out for you.” He moves his body so we are face to face. “Let’s see it this way. I’m your brother and he’s my best friend. So it makes him undirectly your other older brother. And that was Linc doing his job. Heck, I’m doing it myself right now. Checking in on you.”What in the world is he talking about?“No, Adrian Leonard Jackson,” I growl and stare dagger at him, “He don’t get the title just because he’s your best friend. To me, he’s a stranger with a familiar face. I don’t even know a thing about him beside his asshole-ish tendency when he manhadled me to his car a few nights ago. He. Manhandled. Me, Ad, just because I went to Stewart’s alone pretty late. But, that wasn’t an excuse. And if he’s going to be a grumpy tattle-tale, well ....” I don’t finish my sentence and shrug. I’d like for my brother to complete that based on the look on my face.Adrian shakes his head and exhales. He leans down, both arms on his knees. With that he says, “Bug, you don’t understand.”I wait for his explanation. He gave me nothing. “What, Ad?” I challenge. “Tell me what I supposedly don’t understand so I can understand.”Another exhale. With puffy cheeks Adrian exhales hard enough to blow thirty candles off in one try. I eye my brother, secretly hoping I had a degree in reading human expression. Or, that I can read minds like those super human in movies so I know what is going on in his head.Adrian runs his fingers through his mane of hair a shade lighter than mine. He tugs at the roots. And he's huffing again. His eyes keeps glancing at me .I watch him like a hawk. I know he is considering something in his head but I don’t know what. And I really want to know. So I suppress all of my emotions and wait for him.He looks at me in the eyes, and there are so much emotions alternating in his. Guilt, shame, proud and ... amusement?Why is he feeling amuse? What does he find amusing?He shakes his head as a smile forms in his lips. I feel my brows furrowing a little more deeper on my forehead. At that, Adrian chuckles. “I gotta go,” he broadcasts. “See ya at dinner, Bug.” Adrian kisses my hair and stands. His Nikes covered feet silently walk through my apartment to the door.What the heck, Ad?I repeatedly curse him in my head. How can I not? He left me with a muddled mind and ten cupcakes on the coffee table.Well, at least there’s cupcakes. And, oh, my caramel macchiato, too!****My confusion and anger comes to the surface again right after I finish one more cupcake and my caramel macchiato. Don’t laugh. It’s like my body knows what I need so it urged me to feed on some energy before prosecuting what my heart want. Probably twenty minutes behind Adrian’s departure, I put the remaining cupcakes in the fridge and head straight to shower. I have one mission and I want to get my hand on it as fast as I can. I cannot wait to tell Lincoln what’s on my mind. I cannot wait to tell him to shove his unneeded judgement to where the sun don’t shine. An hour later—God, I hate driving in this city—I charge into Stewart’s, having no care about the closed sign on the door. I know he is here. He must be. There’s no other place Lincoln will be but here.The brightly lit room welcomes me. But the broody butthole behind the bar? Not so much. Lincoln stares me down like he doesn’t have any idea what I am doing here. Well, maybe he doesn’t, but it is just because he didn’t kno
I drive home in a daze, my mind keeps replaying Lincoln’s sad eyes. And each time, the feeling in my stomach worsen. Now after everything was out, I begin to think that maybe I over-reacted. Maybe Lincoln was just looking out for me. Maybe he thought of me as his little sister he should protect. Maybe Adrian was right. Oh, God ....But, no! He doesn't deserve my guilt. After ... after that, he doesn't deserve anything from me.Damn it! Why do I have this conflicting feelings?I bang my head to the headrest, hoping the hurt will distract me from this gnawing feeling I feel within. I couldn’t find any satisfaction I thought I would feel. When everything is said and done, what was left is–A vibrating sound interrupts my train of thoughts. I glance at the lit up screen before turn left and lead my car to the assigned parking lot. I unlock my phone.Nate : wanna hangout tonight?Joy instantly kicks the worry out of my head and fulfills the space inside the car. My heart begins to race in
I wonder how many times a heart can break until it could not be repair again.I got my first hit today. It was when the only girl I ever loved told me I didn’t have any say in her business. She told me to stay away from her life. She told me to stay away from her. Believe me I tried. I really did. Beside, at that time, I didn’t want to have an intimate meeting with Adrian’s right hook. He has a mean one, even back then. But, this wasn’t a problem anymore. Nothing get past my best friend. He was—and still is—observant to a fault. I still remember the day when he outed me. I chuckles to the thought. Fuck, did I really think I could hide something this big from him? That night freshmen year in college, we were at a beach. Although we were new, we always got invited to any upperclassmen parties because of his and my dad’s names. Adrian was making the best out of it. Me? Nah. I was busy pining a certain brunette back at home. “The fuck, Bro?” drawls Adrian. He is pissed drunk. “Yeah,
“And then he was grabing my hair. And ... and ... he cupped my face. He kissed my jaw, my ear, my neck. I lose my grip in reality because of his touch. Oh ... my ... God.” I suddenly sit up. “We kissed in the middle of Gonner's crowded dance floor. I can’t believe I did that!"My Korean face mask plops down on my lap like a used wet tissue because of my sudden movement. I pick it up and resume my position beside Mo, mindlessly putting the mask back on my face again. It’s okay, five minutes rule apply to face mask too.I continue my story. “But that kiss, that kiss, Mo ... hands down. It was the. Best. Kiss. I’ve. Ever. Had. In. My. Life! It’s like he took some classes for mastering the artrt of kissing somewhere. Or maybe he was just had a lot, I mean, practice. But, I don’t care. I was the one he was kissing last night. I hope I will be the one in the future too,” I describe everything that happened last night until I am out of breath and out off my mind thinking about Nate’s lips on
I hope to heaven my Lyft will be the only thing canceled this afternoon. I order a new one and enter Adrian’s address. Then I can’t call Nate’s number fast enough. Looking at the clock on the screen, I see it’s just three twenty nine. He shouldn’t be on his way to Stewart’s right now.Fingers crossed I don’t have to let my kiss go. Please, please, please, pick up, pick up, my heart chants as the call connects. Nate picks on the third ring. “Bryanna?”“Yes, it’s Bryanna,” I confirm. Who would have thought answering a phone call with question will be a trend today? “Eh, sorry.” He chuckles. “I didn’t expect your call.”“Yeah, me too.” I curse Adrian in my mind. “But my brother just called. He went out of the country and asked me to dogwatch. So ....” I trail off, not sure how to say what’s on my mind.“So what, Beautiful?”“Hm, so ... if you don’t mind, would you like to come to his apartment instead of meeting me atStewart’s? I have to stay there because my building didn’t allow pet.
Detaching his lips, Nate says, “I waited all day to do that.”“Yeah?” My voice is hoarse from the kiss.He kisses me again as an answer.We do this for awhile, a long while, and I still could do it longer if not for the fact that we need to breathe. Drawing out, I inhale deeply before starting another round. Kissing him is officially my number one favorite activity to do right now.I can feel his lips twitch with his usual cocky smirk and taste the satisfaction in his tongue. He likes the way I reacted to his kiss. He likes it that I like his touch. “Nate,” I moan his name.He chuckles. “What do you want, Beautiful?” He asks on my lips.I want you. I want you so bad. I want you, like, yesterday. But, I couldn’t say that out loud. I recall one of Morwenna’s advice she deemed is the keys to a successful dating. ‘Push and pull, Bry. Know when to push and how to pull. The art of this push and pull is what will lure him. And remember, don’t show all your cards.’Well, it’s too late to hide
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I roar. I fucking roar like a lion at the scene in front of me. My blood is boiling. My heart feels like it would bursts out of my fucking chest. I can’t even, fuck! Fucking fuck, fuck, fuck!I clench my fists so damn hard I’m sure it’ll bleed soon if they don’t fucking stop. They should have stopped, like five seconds ago. Or, my fisted hands won’t be the only thing bleeding ....That fucking asshole is shirtless, hovering above Bryanna while he fucking devours her like a starving mad man. His lips on hers, his hands, fuck, I don’t want to think about where his hand was, still is, but ...."Fuck!"My booming voice finally, fucking finally, stops them and prevents them from mauling each other any further. He looks up, as Bryanna turns her head so she can see me standing here fucking fuming. “Lincoln, what are you doing here?” she rasps, wide-eyed, scrambling to sit and fix her half ridden shirt.I look at her and catalogue her state: tousled hair, flushed
So, some of you might say that I’m a fool. Others might think I’m crazy. You know what? I think of myself as both: I am a fool and I am crazy.I am a fool to be in love with a girl who not only didn’t know I love her, but also pretty much on the way of loving someone else. I am crazy to keep pining on her eventhough this feeling is most likely never to be reciprocated.In his song, Mokita said he needed to know that he didn’t fall in love alone this time. Well, whoever you are, tell him a good luck from me. Because, here, I already know that I’ve fallen in love alone, all this time.I knew it and I couldn’t stop.I knew why and I won't stop.That’s the thing about love.It didn’t have a switch. You love when you love. You can’t turn it on, or off, anytime you want. Or, in my case, when I discovered that there’d be no love between us, as she said to my face.Sad? Yes.Pathetic? Absolutely.But, what can I say? What can I do? Nothing.Beside ....“Wanna play truth or dare, Je?” I ask the
What's happening to me?It is not until I hear the familiar voice of Nurse what's-her-name that my hard-beating heart slows down.Holy moly, Batman. I'm a mess."Oh, hey. You must be the baby daddy. Glad to see you," she greets with her cheery voice.Before I can turn on my back and swat that statements away to hell, Linc chimes in, "Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Lincoln."What in the actual hell? I sit up too fast and get myself a whiplash.Shit."Whoa, whoa, slow down, honey." The nurse suddenly stood beside me and holds me on the forearm. "Didn't think you'll be so excited to see me," she jests, trying to make it light.The giant prick snickers.I try to send a glare at him discreetly but fail miserably when Nurse—I glance at her tag—Laura eyes us back and forth. "Everything alright, honey?" she asks as she checks up on my vital."Yeah," I croak, "everything is fine.""I guess so." She writes something on the paper she brought with her. "And, please, lay low for a while, yeah? No inten
What the hell is he doing here? Who do he think he is showing up in my room after ALL that he did? And, yeah, I really mean ALL OF IT.The nerve of this freaking prick."Sweetheart, is everything okay?"Dad's voice break through the fog of disdain that coated my brain, but, still, it takes a while for the question to truly register. I shift my eyes from the big, uninvited, and unwelcomed guy that now standing near my bed to my parents.And, it's not a surprise to see confusion painting their faces. Because of course they didn't know. And I don't want them to ever know about what had happened between me and the guy who they think of as their own son beside Adrian.Don't ask. I personally don't know why I'm still trying to keep this as a secret from them. Either I want to keep my name, or ....Don't. Don't go there.I shouldn't think like that way. I shouldn't think about it anymore.This is all his fault.But I can do nothing about it in front of mom and dad. "Yeah, yeah, Daddy. Everyth
What the fuck did he just say?What. The. Fuck?"What the fuck, Linc? You're not listening?" protests Adrian.Yep, you see that right. The very best friend who had ghosted me for this past months is now drinking my liquor like it's fresh water and he's been stranded on the Sahara.I should have known when I saw his ass walking in from the door that he wasn't bearing any good news. I should have known when I saw him and he just waved his hand asking for a drink. I should have known.When the most stubborn prick on the planet shows up at your bar after punching your mug ugly, giving you silent treatment for months, you know something is wrong.And it really is. Terribly, fucking devastatingly wrong."Slow down, man. You want to knock yourself out or something?" I warn, reaching for the bottle he is gripping so hard like a lifeline.He swats my palm. Hard. Fuck, that hurts."Yeah, yeah. I wanna do that so baaad," he slurs. He then chuckles. "You realize how funny it was? I'm trying to kno
I can't. I can't do this anymore.My body is so weak. There's nothing left to be released from my belly, but my throat don't get the memo and keeps on constricting. Dry heaving is sooo draining.With shaky legs, with the last strength I have in me, I drag my body out of the bathroom and reach for my phone on the bedside table.I can't do this alone.I can't if I want my baby safe.I can't if I want to safe me too.The call is still connecting.Come on, pick up. God, help me, God. Help. Please. Please. Please.She picks up on the third ring."Sweetie?" she asks, a little hesitant. Maybe she's questioning her own eyes. She doesn't believe I am calling her now. This is my fault. I did this to her. I stopped calling her months ago.God."Mama," I answer, as loud as I can. But, with the abused throat and the dehydration, I sound like a scratch on a sandpaper.Hearing this, her alarms picks up. "Sweetie, what's happening? Are you okay?" Panic colors her voice."No, Ma," I croak again."Oh my
And suddenly out of nowhere Nate is everywhere.The internet is blowing with the news of this up and coming artist who will certainly make you lost your mind with his voice and his charm. They talked about his looks. His hypnotizing blue eyes, his lean but now muscular body. They talked about the aura he's giving out. They talked about his first single which successfully placed Nate on the chart, on people's attention. The other star starts to notice him too. They talked about that "mini tour" he did. They talked about his soon to be out first album. They talked about a real big all around the States tour after that. They talked about everything Nathaniel Moore. And they talked about all of his sexcapades. It seems like the rising star has already spread his wings in the women section. Then I see it. A photo of Nate kissing a woman in front of a building, a hotel to be exact. Bile rising in my throat. I'm gonna be sick. I run to the bathroom in my office and heaving to the toilet
NowShe darts through the apartment and be in my room in a speed of light. "Tell me you listened to me," she demands as soon as she's here.I am leaning back against the head of the bed with pillows supporting my back and going through social media like nothing happened. I mean, nothing had happened if I consider what I did as nothing. Right?"Bry!" She snatches my phone away. "Hey!" I exclaim, sitting up. "I know you're upset but can you please not take it out on my phone?""Tell me you didn't do anything stupid," she insists. Her beautiful eyes penetrates me, searching for the truth from deep inside of me. She, like hundreds of times before, sees everything. "You did, didn't you?"Gotcha. But I keep my eyes on hers. "Why, Bry? Why? He's a jerk! You've been good these past months. You're better. You're happy again. Why?" I shrug. She's still waiting for my answer. She gets none of it. "That's it?" she gawks at my response. "I'm worrying myself sick about you and you just shrug
Fuck. I'm pregnant. The last nine pregnancy tests on the sink said I am. The last one, the tenth out of ten I hurriedly bought this morning, now I'm holding in my trembling hand says the same.I'm fucking pregnant. How? Shit. I didn't just ask that. I know the how. I know the why. I know for sure the who. I just ... can't wrap my mind around it. Fuck. Shit.I touch my still flat stomach with shaking hands. I am pregnant. I have a baby in me. A baby is growing in my belly. What the fuck should I do? I really have to stop cussing. It's not good for the baby, is it? Fu—God! I'm having a baby? My feet feels weak. I totally should sit on this. Where do I sit? Here, on the bathroom floor? Oh, okay. I can't be thinking about all the germs in time like this. I really, really, really need to sit before my legs give out. Please, don't. I can't add falling into the things that will giving bad impact for the baby. Me freaking out right now is enough stress. I think. Right? RIGHT? O
"Fuck, this is hard. Why is this so hard?" "Well, good morning to you too." I follow her into my apartment. It's only nine in Saturday morning. I should be sleeping, soundly, on my bed. Instead I'm waking up to this woman's hectic call telling me that she wants me to open the apartment door for her myself. She still have her key though. You need to know that. Get why I'm a tiny bit pissed at my best friend? My best friend who is all curled up on the couch now. And still whining. "Why, why, why?" I sit my sleepy butt on the coffee table. "What happened?" She whines some more. My brows slowly takes a hike to my forehead. Well, this is unusual. "Mo, what's going on?""There's nothing going on. Nothing happened," she chokes from behind her palms.Reaching out, I pull her hands with mine. Red rimming her wet eyes. Worry starts to color my face. "Then what is it?" She huffs, wipes her eyes, and sits up. Casting her gaze down on her lap, she explains, "I just got my period after a wee
"I think I'm done." I wake up from the stupor I was in and put the milkshake back onto the table at last. Then I clean my hands with the napkin. Dump the dirty paper on my plate. At the very last, I paste the fakest smile on my face and direct it to Mo. She knows. She knows what I'm honestly asking of her. Get me out of here. She slaps the same fake smile as quick. However it is a little slanted, making her look like she's battling constipation right now. My smile morphs into something a bit more real. Only her. I internally shake my head. But, I still need to get out of this hell, like five seconds ago."Linc, can we get these boxed? I'm sorry, but suddenly I have this urge to eat at home where I can stretch my legs and watch some bad TV with my best friend. You know, enjoying the good life."What the heck? What is she talking about? Only her. Indeed, only MY best friend. "Okay." Lincoln's voice pictures his bewilderment perfectly. I still don't have the nerve to look at him.