5. The One Where I Realise

Throwing my bag on the canteen table, I took the nearby chair and slouched on it.

I cursed lowly under my breath seeing Grisha barging into the canteen along with her friends at the backside. Frantically, I roamed my gaze around the small packed area, crossing my fingers to save me from the wrath of my girlfriend, and there she came.

I ran my hand over my face, chanting all the prayers I had stored in my mind while on the other hand, my friends laughed at my side. Glaring at them to shut up their stupid fiasco, I stood up from my chair and greeted Alina. She sat down next to me, and the longer I stared at her, I realized she had no idea of anything. To confirm my doubts, I looked at Kriti, who passed me a disgusted look and paid attention to her books.

Kriti was overreacting. It wasn't like I slept with Grisha. It was just a unharmful dance.

"Guess what?" Alina jumped in her seat, clutching my hands in hers. "Mom called last night. Nani and nanu are ready to talk to me."

That brought me out of my dilemma and I stared in bewilderment.

"That's great." Even if I didn't approve of it. They pushed her aside, talked rubbish about it but how could I ignore the smile it brought to my bookworm's face.

"I'm hungry." She stood up from her chair. "Do you want to eat anything?"

I shook my head lightly.

All I wanted was talk to you and get rid of the guilt gnawing my insides, but then why telling you felt like I would lose something precious to me?

I didn't want to hurt Alina.

"Don't care. I'm getting you noodles." She ruffled my hair, and stroll to the other end of the canteen. I kept on staring at her, realizing how she knew noodles were my favorite, how she knew I always deny to eat at first but when she gets me anything, I attacked it.

"Till when?" Kriti asked from across the table. Breaking my gaze, I peeked at her and shrugged my shoulders.

"Stay out of it," I hissed.

Dry laughing, she crossed her arms over her chest and smirked. "I am, but when you break her heart, I'll be the one handling the pieces."

Before I could reply, Deb replied, "Chill out, Sanskriti." Her mood turned sour hearing her full name. "It was just a dance."

She opened her phone, placed it in the middle of the table and played the video. I tried to ignore it, but couldn't tear my eyes from it, couldn't tear my eyes so close to someone else other Alina, couldn't realize how I could let myself touch someone like that.

"Your girlfriend was in the hostel, worrying about your health because she thought you're sick and you were partying, not just that you cheated on her."

"I didn't," I yelled, causing every eye to turn to us. Lowering my voice, I muttered, "I can never cheat on her."

"Then why are you not telling her?" She shot back. "It's better if you tell her. Please, Kabir. Don't keep her in dark."

"What's my mistake?" I made my point. "She never goes out with me. I just drank too much."

"I'm not saying that it's your mistake, but if she's your girlfriend and this relationship matters to you, then clear it to her."

Kriti had a point. I couldn't hide it from Alina because even if I loved it or not, I was hiding things from her and it wasn't fair to our love and relationship. I accuse her of hiding things from me, but in reality, I was doing the same. What happened to our always and forever?

I nodded my head.

"I messed up."

Sagar gave me a pity smile. "She'll understand."

Wearing a smile, I faced her and raised my eyebrow seeing her empty hands. "Where is my meal, bookworm? I'm hungry."

"I'm not hungry anymore," She raised her lip a bit. "I should go. Excuse me." She grabbed her bag, but I caught her hand and she shrugged it off quickly. "Don't touch me," She hissed, and before I could reply her, she marched out of the canteen, leaving me confused on her actions. Meandering my gaze, I saw Grisha with a tensed expression.

'She knows' She mouthed.

Grabbing my bag, I ran after Alina and I was successful to find her engaging with one of the girls. When her conversation was done, I blocked her way, but not once, she tried to look at me and sought to find space to get out of my clutches.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled. "Please hear me out, bookworm."

"Hear what?" She raised her eyes, finally meeting them with mine.

"Everything."

"I don't want to hear anything. God, how couldn't I see your swelled eyes beneath your specs?" She clutched her head. "Why you lied to me? I wouldn't have said anything. No, wait. Yes, I would've stopped you, didn't I?"

She was trying her guilt trip thing again.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't you dare say sorry," She replied firmly. "Sorry won't change how you were latching on her. Am I that bad, Kabir?"

"No," My reply was instant. "You know I love you."

"What if I was doing this with someone else? Could you handle it?" I curled my hands into a fist. "Love doesn't mean confessing it every second." Her wild eyes meant mine. "It means trust as well."

"Don't put this on me," I shot back. "I always adjust to your world, but you never with mine. I don't like going to clubs without you, but I've to because you don't even take one little step towards me. I thought if I told you, I would make you sad and that's the last thing I want in the world."

Her vulnerable eyes met mine, her hands shook at her side. "You know I can't."

"Till when you'll let your fear scare you?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

I caught her shoulders, chuckling. "No way. We're talking about this."

"No way. You don't get to push it to me." She broke my grip on her shoulders. "You were touching her in the way you never touched me. You know what the thing is Kabir. I'm not angry at you. I'm angry at my own self." Tears settled at the corner of her eye, but I was too scared to touch her now. "Don't you think I see it? The way you control yourself. You're scared of touching me." I tried to speak but she cut me off. "Don't lie. I'm not anything like rest of them. I'm awkward. And when I saw that video, I felt ashamed of myself. I'm nothing in front of her. Give me a break."

Closing my eyes, I stepped aside, allowing her to leave because the year I had spent with her, I knew when she said give me a break, it was better to leave her alone in her thoughts.

She stared at me for a couple of seconds, her nose red and eyes glistening with too many emotions and thoughts.

"I never meant to do it."

"It's not what you wanted to do, it's what I feel," Her voice shook at the end. "It's how you hid it from me and—" She took a deep breath. Tensed, I placed my hand on her shoulder and this time, instead of shaking it off, she let it stay there and took deep breaths. "I'm supposed to understand you like always. Understand how you were so close to her, understand how you looked so happy with her, understand how you lied to me, understand why you never touch me that way." She placed her hand on her mouth, shrugged my hand off from her shoulder. "Yes, I never go into your world because it scares me. Kabir, I'm still recovering. I thought you will understand."

"Baby, I do."

"Even if I forgive you, I can't shake off the scene or how you think it's my fault. It's like I pushed you to it and that makes you an asshole or maybe me. I respect you, don't make me regret doing that." Without giving any further explanation, she flew out of the hall, not even once daring to look back and see I was hoping to explain everything to her, to make her see that I felt nothing for Grisha.

Why I drank out of my limits?

How do I tell her that I didn't touch her because I thought if I did, I would never be able to stop? How do I tell she makes me breathless by her one look? How do I tell that I understood her position? How do I tell we weren't supposed to back down just because of this? How do I utter everything out without hurting her?

"I'm sorry," Grisha said from beside me. "I didn't know she would make such a big deal."

Playing with the strap of my bag, I nodded slightly.

"How she saw it?"

Grisha bit her lower lip, and I felt nothing. How could Alina compare herself to any other girl? Didn't she know she was exquisite for me?

"It was playing on our table and she saw it. I tried to explain to her, but she didn't listen." That's how she was. Not interested in hearing anything when something hurts her. "I can talk to her at night in the hostel."

"No," I replied instantly. "It's my mess and I'll handle it."

I started walking away when Grisha called me from back, making me halt on my steps.

"I forgot my bracelet at your apartment last night."

"I'll give it back to you."

She was about to say something when I heard Alina from behind. "She was at your apartment last night?" Swirling, I faced her disbelief face. "Great. Thanks for not telling me that and maybe it's my mistake." She marched out of my sight, and I tried calling her but she ran out. Damn it, now it was going out of hands. I would've handled the accusation, but how do I explain why Grisha was at my apartment to the hot head?

"Huh, Kabir, you're so heavy." A girl said from my side, but why she was calling me heavy? I didn't put any of my weight on her. My head was banging, my vision swirled around me and my feets were wobbling. "Your apartment keys?"

Narrowing my eyes at her, I replied, "Why?"

She sighed. "Kabir, keys." Ignoring her rude voice, I dipped my hand at the back and brought out keys. She snatched it from my hands and I glared at the strange girl. When the clicking sound was heard, she opened the door and pushed me outside, but as if, suddenly unbalanced, I almost slipped but she caught my hand and took me further. "Where is your room?"

I stared at her quizzically, tried to concentrate what she was saying but my head was swirling. I should call Alina and testify I wasn't tired from any practice, I had lied to her because I wanted to go to the club and didn't want to hear her scolding. What my bookworm must be doing without me?

I was dropped on the bed and I closed my eyes, snuggling deeper into my bed, but I couldn't sleep, realizing what I had said to Alina, couldn't stop the guilt.

"Can you call bookworm?" I asked the strange girl.

"Who bookworm?"

"Bookworm. My bookworm. I lied to her. I want to apologize. Please call her."

"You mean Alina?" She asked, bending down next to my bed. "You're drunk. Sleep it off, Kabir."

I shook my head. "She will never forgive me for lying."

She laughed a bit. "She will. Sleep now."

"Promise?"

"Promise if she loves you."

Narrowing my eyes, I grinned, "She loves me a lot. No doubt she never says it but she does. I know she thinks she's not deserving, but she's in delusion. She doesn't see what I see. I feel lucky that she loves me."

"Oh, is it?"

I nodded my head. "But I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"That I'll break her heart. I can't lose her," I clarified. "She's the best thing that ever happened to me."

"And you won't." The strange girl stood up. "Sleep, Kabir."

And in the end, I did the thing I was scared to do.

Fuck you, Kabir Oberoi.