1. The One Where I Humiliated Myself

[ A L I N A ' S    P O V ]

"I don't think I can do this," I mumbled to the phone, clutching it tightly under my grip. My words seemed shaken, my hands seemed shaken. Huh, the whole of me was shaken to the core.

The white tall building sat across me with its intimidating look . The students peered in and out, some in groups others lonely like me, trying to adjust to the first day of college. College. Finally, I was in college, away from my family and learning to live on my own even if I had been doing it since a long time ago.

I closed my eyes and scolded myself for thinking about it again. It was a new start, a new place and a new dream. It was College. All I had to do was enjoy like any other adolescent, make friends and live my life to fullest even if it meant I had to pretend about it. No more sadness, tears and the pain of the past.

"You're worrying for no reason," he said from the other side. "It isn't that bad. Just some seniors bonding with juniors."

I bit my lower lip. "You mean ragging?"

"No." He sounded reluctant. "Alina, it's not that hard. I had my first day of college yesterday and it wasn't that tough."

"It wasn't even easy. Moreover, you're in New Delhi. I'm in a new state. I'm scared. In school--"

"Which has ended," Dhruv deadpanned. "It won't be that tough. You can do it. Where is Kabir?"

I maundered my gaze around the campus for the one last time before entering the corridors and gathered my strength to face anything that comes in my way. I could do this. I had to do this.

"His lectures starts early," I whined. "I hate it. College sucks."

"Positive vibes, Alina, positive vibes," He laughed. "You haven't even seen anything. Go. Your first lecture starts in 10 minutes."

I blinked rapidly and before cutting the call, I asked him for the last time. "Do you think I can do this? Be normal and make friends?"

His voice softened when he replied, "You're not normal, Alina. You're different. Embrace it. And miss, why do you need friends when you have me?"

"Because I need someone normal, not who jokes around for stupid things."

"Hey--"

Before he could say anything further, I said bye and cut the call laughing. Somedays, he was the only one who could help me to see the better of me, pull my leg but still thought about me when I would be too confused about the future. Telling him wasn't on my plate, but he asked me upfront that he wanted to know what was the deal with me, and I told him. I told him how I hated whenever he gets too close or make sexual jokes because I wasn't comfortable with them.

It didn't stop his jokes, but he learned to make distance and that I was grateful for.

You could do this.

Repeating the same mantra in my head, I entered the class and chose the last seat, so I couldn't feel people staring at my back, making me feel uncomfortable with my environment. I wish Nisha was here. With her, I got this weird confidence that as long as she was there, I would be fine and nothing would terrify me but the old fear was rushing into my veins, gripping the positiveness I had stored in my mind. Ice. It felt like ice was clutching my legs as I stared ahead at the teacher who introduced himself to us and the course of Introduction to Poetry.

The world was enclosing within me as I saw the number of children sitting in front of me, and I was enclosing within them. My grip tightened around my hand as I scribbled useless stuff at the back of my notebook. Nothing helped.

He asked us to introduce ourselves, and one by one everyone started giving their introduction. I counted the number of children till my turn, repeated the lines of my introduction in my head. I could do this. I had to do this.

I'm Alina Gupta. I'm from New Delhi. I did my twelfth from St. Xavier's, New Delhi. Supposedly, I was to be in Medical college right now, but I got into an accident leaving me with a scar on my forehead and arms and my parents decided they couldn't lose their daughter to suicide. Oh, did I tell you that I was suicidal and my arms are filled with ugly cutting scars? Yes, that's the reason my boyfriend taught of coming with me because he was scared I would kill myself.

I galloped set fresh new oxygen and my eyes pained with the tears to shed down but I held them back. What was happening to me? I could do this. I had to do this. But the words seemed fazed to my mind and when my turn came, I stood up, bite my nails in my wrist, hoping it would act as a blade, cut my wrist open and I would bleed to death in this right moment.

I opened my mouth, tried to utter something but all the eyes were held on me, depriving me of the power of speech.

"I--I--"

The professor passed me a small smile, encouraging me to go on but I couldn't and the ice spread through each nerve, each rational thought and my heart was clutched within this ice of stillness. Breath snitched, hands shook, people chuckled in the front and I was about to flee the room when I remembered the first purpose of coming to another city. Freedom and new start. New start. But why it deemed so hard to achieve it while I drowned in the panic attacks?

Taking a deep breath, I tried to control my irrational thoughts and said, "I'm Alina Gupta. I'm from New Delhi and I did my twelfth from St. Xavier's."

I heard gasps surrounding me as soon as the school name was uttered, but I was too occupied with my troubling thoughts that I didn't pay attention to them and sat down. For the remaining minutes, I listened to the teacher, forgetting about my almost humiliation and tried to think rational and positive, but I couldn't.

As soon as the class ended, I was the first one to flee out of the class and ran to the direction of the washroom. Putting my hand bag on the basin, I turned on the tap and was about to flash to across my face when someone muttered from the back, "I wouldn't suggest it with the make up."

The water slipped down my hands as I stared at her from the mirror. "What?"

"Kohl. It'll drain out of your eyes, making you look like a zombie, which unfortunately, I'm not looking forward to."

Battling with my thoughts, I switch off the taps and turned around to face her, and took my time to look the whole of her. From the mirror, all I could see was a heart shape face with brown skin and black bob cut, but from the front, I could see the whole of her or how she towered me.

"I'm Sanskriti, but by means call me Kriti or else I'll kill in your sleep."

Chuckling, I said, "I'm Alina. Just call me Alina."

"So just Alina," She mocked. "How's college been so far?"

"I would rather not comment." I grabbed my bag from the top of the washbasin. "I should go."

"Why? Do you've any Prince Charming waiting for you?" Her words stopped me on my tracks. "If you've, I don't care. You're going out with me."

"What?"

"I'm bored after that boring lecture. When is your next lecture?" She asked excitedly, went to the direction of the mirror, opened her purse and took out the lipstick from her hand bag.

I opened my bag, took out the schedule and said, "In about thirty minutes."

"Good. I'm hungry. Let's go." She dropped her lipstick back to its place, grabbed my hand and marched us out of the washrooms. All my protests died as soon as I saw her beaming smile and the fact, she didn't care to listen to my protests at all.