A Will to End

The light creeping into the ocean shadows, the long strings reaching the depth were visible to my naked eyes when I kept drowning with no hope of another day. I kept floating.

Thoughts were swirling in my head but I could ignore them as I felt my lungs filling up and my nerves stinging with sharp pain before relaxing. I was going numb.

Surrendering to the waves of the deep oceans, I closed my eyes and the corner of lips lifted up. I was finally free.

Free from betrayal, free from humiliation, free from being a weakling, free from this toxic world.

And I thought those would be last thought before I felt cold air invading my lungs and I coughed heavily shaking my vocal cords. I felt a hand rubbing my back but I kept breathing as in instinct. But I was in rage. 

I was on the land because someone had decided to be a helpful human and help me out of the water as if that was what I actually wanted. Where do good and kinds humans go when you actually need them?

I looked up to find a group of people looking and surrounding me and a few were drenched, probably jumped in to save me. I glared at them before coughing loudly again and tried standing up.

"Why...why did you..save me?" Was what I could manage to utter in between my shallow breaths and sore throat.

"You were drowning. Are you okay? How did you fall in there?" One of the men asked showing his concern. I rolled my eyes. 

"Yeah. I jumped in to kill myself. But seems like no one's happy even if I die!" I turned on my heel and walked to the edge again when I heard a voice.

"Don't..." 

"What?" I looked around looking for windy echo but my dizzy mind might be playing tricks with me.

"Don't die..." I heard again.

"What the hell?!" I looked around again and saw those people looking at me, as if taking a stance to save me if I jump again.

Ugh.

"Fine! Whatever!" I kicked my foot on the ground and sat on the edge. "I'm not jumping anymore! Leave me alone!" I yelled at them before looking back at the sea.

"Go back to where you came from." Another man with his deep voice yelled from afar. I looked at him. He was a brunette who seemed less worried about my life but worried about getting caught in my death case.

"You don't own this place to order me around." I fired back and glared at him.

"We're fishermen and we have every right to claim this part of sea ours! If you don't leave, I may have to call the cops to escort you to your home." He warned me. I almost pulled my hair in frustration and stood up.

"Just leave me alone, for god's sake!" 

"Yuna!" A familiar voice called me out. 

"Oh for cryin' out loud!" I muttered under my breath clearly recognising the voice.

"Yuna!?" She screamed louder and held my arms firmly before checking me out.

I mean before looking at my drenched self.

"Oh my god! Did you really jump into the sea?!" She yelled at me.

"What do you think?" I shrugged and looked away.

"I thought you were joking! Why would you do that?" Her voice was filled with rage and sadness. She was the only one who loved me after my husband.

She was the only one who held my hand when everyone was busy hating me and blaming me for my husband, my love's death.

Humans are beyong great on pushing blames on others and that's why they're pathetic. 

"I just wanna go to my husband! Go to where he is waiting for me!" I yelled back.

"You think he'd want you end your life like this?!" Her grip on my arms tightened and her eyes filled with tears and grew red.

"Why can you just let me go...?" I mumbled and looked at my feet for making my lonely sister cry. I know I was selfish to leave her alone but I couldn't think of anything else!

I wanted nothing to do with anyone anymore. I was a curse, a bad omen who should have died the day she was born. But I wanted to prove people wrong and that was led to my beloved's death. 

If only he'd have stayed away, then he wouldn't had been talking me on the call while driving, wouldn't have driven the car in the first place when he was so drunk. All because I was alone at home and crouched in the corner of the dark house, needing to feel my love's warmth so I could overcome my fear of giggles I used to hear.

After my husband's death, the voices in my head seemed to die down slowly but I was used to them. When I heard the voice denying something, I knew that my dear was coming back to me but I didn't know why it was happening to me.

What did I ever face to have a trauma like that?

"Yuna, you're gonna leave me behind?" She asked, taking me back from my trance.

"Gabrialla, I-" 

"You're gonna take away the only thing I have from me?" She asked again and her voice cracked. My heart was breaking.

How could I think of leaving her behind? How could I think of dying when my reason to live was still alive and needed me so much?! I hugged my baby sister, ignoring my wet clothes and the fishermen around us who started to walk away slowly.

I pulled and cupped my sister's face.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered and kissed her forehead. 

I would have to wait until she learns to live without me with someone she loved. That way it'd be easier for me to leave.

But the only thing certain was...I was gonna die.

And if I don't do it myself...someone else would.