By the third period, my stomach aches. I convince Mr. Cronkwright to send me to the nurse. I lie down for the fourth period. The nurse decides to send me home. Bullying is a thing I always shrugged off. It's something my parents don't know about. I have always kept it to myself.
I used to get stomach ulcers in elementary school and middle school. I got used to the acid. Vomit destroyed my throat. The doctors couldn't pinpoint the issue to bullying. I told them my life at school was fine. They blamed it on stress and my attitude to achieve high marks in all my subjects.
My parents sent me to therapy. It didn't help. So, I didn't open up. That's the way it is. If you talk about bullying, something terrible might happen or worse.
Having things get worse is the last place I want to be. But now we are in the age of Instagram, and bullying is eternal in the dark places of the net. I am sure if one dug deep enough, my middle school humiliation photos are everywhere.
Bullying feels like a dance between two people. The dance-off is between the bully and the victim. It's hard to see the other people around us if we are bullied.When Kelly taunts me, her gang of defenders encourages the fight. Alexa and Tia would be nothing without Kelly. What would Kelly be like without them? I sometimes wonder what would happen if it really were just Kelly and I, alone one on one. The world would turn in my favor and shift towards my needs.That would sure be the day. But it is not today. Not today by any means.My parents don't know about Jeremy. They don't know that I've kissed a boy. If mom knew it would be in the family scrapbook by now, among my other milestones. Or on some embarrassing Instagram post.My mind thinks back to Jeremy and the simple kiss we shared. Did it mean anything to him? To me? I am not sure what we are, but it's a good feeling for now.His story haunts me. How can a mother become violent and snap at the
I spend the day worrying about Jeremy. I check my phone every class to make sure all social media platforms are clear of his church burning news.The fly on the wall is watching me with his millions of eyes. Those eyes follow me everywhere. If one hair is out of place, Kelly will either post our first kiss video, or she will let the school know Jeremy is a pyromaniac. Either way, she wins. She's on top, like the Bitch Queen of the Nile."What have you decided, Train Tracks? It's embarrassing either way. Either let me have my fun after school, or you and Jeremy can be an embarrassing couple of Instagram, or he can just go to prison now. The choice is yours, really."Kelly taps her foot and crosses her arms. Her lips smack with the sound of her chewing gum. She tilts her neck and smirks her lips. She's fierce."I'll see you after school," I reply, not knowing what else to do or say. Saying anything to stop her is pointless. If I were a witch, I'd cast a spe
Egg yolk and flour mix in clumps all over me. This is how an unmixed pancake must feel. I don't know how I am going to scrape all this off. Good thing I left my backpack in my locker. The school is closed. I'll have to get my phone later. And I think my keys are in there too. Perfect, just perfect.I wish I had been with Jeremy at the zoo. We could have been swimming with the dolphins by now. The base of the big tree has one spot left, one spot left where they didn't paint all over it. I don't know how Kelly and her posse managed to get away with graffiti in broad daylight. She probably started the fire in the church and somehow framed Jeremy for it. Maybe I should visit the ruins of the Vineyard Church and do some digging for the truth myself.I cry under the base of the tree. The snot of the egg yolk and flour dust make me cough. I can barely see through either substance.A loud car muffler stops a few meters away from the big tree. I wonder if people have pai
A house is where people live and have a hard time connecting. A home is where a person feels safe. Right now, Jeremy feels like that to me. So, he took me in and let me be myself."Lily, at some point, we are going to have to face them, you know," Jeremy asks?My thoughts linger for a moment before catching up to me. I will have to get in the car and leave Jeremy's house at some point."I know. I'm not ready to think about them right now. The KAT trio will be taken out. It's inevitable. Jeremy, can I stay here a little while longer," I ask?I'd do anything to stay here and look at Jeremy. But, in my desire to be safe, I've found I want to keep him safe from the demons that live within his soul. His soul is tainted by monsters. Monsters have the faces of everyday people. They live where people are ghouls, and ghouls look like good guys."Sure, you can probably stay and watch a movie," Jeremy says as he finishes the rest of his nachos.I nibbl
The doorknob turns, and Mr. Davis walks in. He looks the same as he did all those months ago at the pool."Jeremy, how was your day? My boss almost fired me. But I tell you, I've just about had it at that bank."Mr. Davis doesn't notice me as he takes his trench coat off and hangs it on a hook. His large black shoes leave scuff marks on the floor."Dad, this is Lily."Mr. Davis turns around, and a bright smile finds his face."Oh, well, excuse my manners. I remember you, Lily. You're that girl from the swimming pool. Sorry again that I didn't realize those girls were bullying you."Jeremy turns to me like I'm supposed to report my bullying shenanigans to him."It's no big deal. I'll deal with them in due time," I say."Kids these days, they don't even have the guts to bully face to face. They do it through computers and cameras. Well, if those mean girls ever bother you again, you let me know," Mr. Davis says."What happ
Our date to the zoo came and went. My mother blew up my phone while we were on our date.Mom: Lily, please come homeMom: Lily, where are you?Mom: Lily, are you there?I call mom to let her know where I'm staying. I haven't decided how long my stay with the Davis family will last."Mom, hi. I went to the zoo with Jeremy.""You're with a friend? That's a relief. When will you be home? We need to get this bullying situation under control," mom says."I'll swing by later to get a few things. But I'm not staying at home. I need a few days to collect my thoughts. So, I'll be staying with the Davis family.""The Davis family? Do you mean to tell me you're spending the night at that pyromaniac's house? He burned a church down, Lily-kins. No, you come home this instant. You stay away from that family," mom barks."I'm not coming home, mom. I'm eighteen, remember? So, I'm grabbing my clothes, and I'm leaving," I say. How does mo
Romance novels are the best medicine for the soul. I never knew I could be in my version of romance. But, this time, it's not a character in a book; it's me having a relationship with another person.Jeremy breaks from our kiss and leads me to the car. The drive back is filled with handholding and Jeremy kissing the back of my hand several times. We don't say much to each other. Instead, we giggle and brush each other's hands together accidentally.Mr. Davis is asleep in front of the tv when we get home. Jeremy puts a large comforter over his father. His glasses are still on his face. I slide them off, fold them down, and put them on a side table.Jeremy carries my duffle bag into the guest bedroom. So, this is my home now for a while. I'll have to buy more clothes for myself later. Glad I have money from tutoring all those grade school kids.I'm sure my mother will come to her senses and invite me home. A part of me hopes that's true. But I can't know fo
The cop cars pull up to Jeremy's house early in the morning. The lights bounce around the room in a spinning red and blue haze. The sirens instantly wake us both up. This isn't the way I imagined waking the morning after sex. Jeremy's arms are wrapped tightly around my waist. It's still nice to know he stayed beside me, despite the cops being outside.The doorbell rings, and the clock says that it's 6:40 in the morning—a knot forms in the pit of my stomach. I turn to Jeremy, who's as nervous as I am. We both know he's on probation for burning a church he didn't burn, creating a record that was never meant for him. The cops are the last thing he needs.The cops ring the doorbell again. Mr. Davis gets up from the couch and turns the television off."Hello, who is it," Mr. Davis asks as he puts the sweatshirt on? He zips up the zipper halfway up his chest."The police, can we come in?"Mr. Davis opens the door slowly. His eyes glow as they get b
The following week flies by. And despite taking classes online to wrap up my senior year, I will miss Mr. Cronkwright. He will be the speaker for our high school graduation. In addition, he's been nominated to win the teacher of the year award. I am sure he will win.Our graduation gowns are black with a maroon-colored tassel. My dad has been acting emotional around me since prom ended. With one week between prom and graduation day, I can't say I blame him. This has been hard without my mom to help. It's been an adjustment for him. Her absence won't disappear overnight.I put my graduation gown on. It's a long sweaty thing. I look like a Hogwarts student. If you gave me a wand, I could teach magic in the fall. Dad has this habit of taking photos on my mother's behalf. So I promised him I would finish my high school scrapbooks in mom's place.The doorbell rings. It's Jeremy in his matching outfit. Both of his parents are with him. They've managed to set aside the
My dad was right. I needed a girls' day after all the shit that has happened over this last year—especially these last few months. I'm not a good dancer. I can't be as bad as dad. It's rumored he fell during his wedding day dance. I'm not sure I believe him since there are no photos to back up the story.Knowing mom, she would have insisted on photos being constantly clicked and taken. Every angle and every moment would have been captured. I've seen the wedding photos. There are no pictures of dad falling during his wedding dance.I hate girl shoes. They go between your feet in unnatural ways, like flip flops, and make your heels ache. Beauty is painful. We have years of human history to back that up. My mom told me about the ancient Chinese performing a foot binding on their women's feet. I didn't understand what she meant until she showed a thirteen-year-old me the pictures of tiny shoes and broken feet. After she educated me, I was terrified of wearing lady's
Prom has arrived. I don't have any girlfriends to go prom shopping with, and that's fine. Prom seems stupid to go to. It's not that I haven't thought about prom before. But I never imagined myself being pretty enough or worthy enough to go. Prom is for the lovely girls who get dolled up and look like models.I'm the sexy librarian type. Sporting glasses and a romance novel while dancing is more my speed. I haven't told dad that I don't have a dress. I didn't want to give him one more thing to worry about. I've considered wearing one of mom's dresses and using her hair straightener. But, going into mom's closet will be hard because she is gone, and all the things a girl is supposed to do with their mom before prom is gone too.The doorbell rings. It must be for dad since Jeremy is out with his mom today to have their'come to Jesus-meeting'about her abusive boyfriends."Hi, Lily." It's Mrs. Norris, my old bus driver. I saw her at the funeral b
It's time for the funeral. I've prepared a poem in memory of my mom. I'm nervous about sharing it and have asked Jeremy to read it if I start crying too much.I'm glad Jeremy can attend the funeral like it's normal again. No police or criminal ankle bracelet. Mr. Davis will be attending the funeral as well. Amy and Tia had their own trials and are facing jail time like Kelly. Kelly got the longest sentence for life. Amy and Tia got twenty-five years if I heard the judge correctly. The KAT trio is all behind bars. This means there can be no disrespect at the funeral.I put on the only black dress in the house. It's a black sundress. It's fitting that it belonged to mom. She was more into shopping, beauty, and vanity than I ever was.I put my hair in a long French braid down my back. I haven't felt pretty in a long time—the sparrow pecks on the windowsill with its beak. I put birdseed out for it the night before. I'm glad to hear it and see if feeding today
Now that the trial is over, my life is a dream. Dreams exist above reality, just a little below perfection. The only person missing is mom. I will never hear her voice again. I will never listen to her say she loves me except in old voice mails and old videos.The funeral is in a few days. I haven't cared about the funeral. I haven't wanted to plan anything. Planning the funeral means she really is gone. The way she died is so horrendous. I wish she fell asleep one night and didn't wake up. That would have been more tolerable.With the trial being over, I have to face the parting clouds. When the clouds part, the truth is revealed. Sometimes truth is beautiful and sets us free. That's what the heavens did for Jeremy. They set him free above the angels. But for my mom, she dances with the sparrows, and I am here on earth to witness it.Destiny lives with Father time. He can either change your fate, or he can let the cruelness of night rule with its blackness. The
Time has slowed down. All my dreams are in red. Red is the color of roses and the color of blood. Both describe my mother. Blood for her death and roses for her grave. Blood at her murder scene and roses at her funeral.When I dream in red, I don't sleep well. The dreams always end with Kelly laughing. Last night, I didn't dream about my mother. Instead, I dreamed about Gerald McLaren. He was standing in the ruins of the Vineyard church, holding eggs. He threw the eggs to the side and hugged me. He apologized to me for bullying me. I forgave him, and then Kelly entered my dream. I woke up panicked. Being covered in sweat in my bed is a horrible sticky feeling."Lily, are you okay? I heard screaming," dad says, rushing into my room.His coffee spills a little on the side and moves around in his mug. Since mom died, dad has been sporting an ugly red bathrobe that retired in the 1960s. Pretty sure my dad inherited it from his old man. It hasn't been washed since th
"It's nice to kiss you without your braces on. I always knew you were pretty, but now all you are is beautiful," Jeremy says as we split up from our kiss.I say goodbye to him and head out of the hospital. Hospitals represent life and death. They are places where people try their best to cling to life. But life is a sacred thing, and the doctor, along with the angels, kept my Jeremy safe so he could help me out today.The drive home is terrifying. All I can think about is Kelly. I am at peace with everything else but her. I want her to be put in her place. She hides in the shadows and waits like an eel ready to strike. I haven't been to school in weeks. I can't stomach the KAT trio. All three girls have been arrested and are suspects in the murder trial of Gerald McLaren. It puts my mind at ease that they are being held accountable for something they have done.But I still can't go back to that school and finish what I've started. I can't return to tutoring. I c
Graveyards are the final resting place for the dead. They are where the endless souls dance for eternity under a moonlit forever. The souls of the cemetery held onto Jeremy but didn't take him down into the land of Hades. He fought, and he held onto life just for me. Death is where the ravens swirl in their endless circles. Hunger finds them, and nails dig into their prey. We are all called by death in the end. The grim reaper himself holds his scythe and carries it along as a walking stick. Walking sticks are used to guide souls on the path to Hades. If I discover Hades, I will find my mom. I will find her there beneath the bones of her final breath.All the feels take away my breath,When funerals approach and force me to face death,I think of the heavens parting like glass,Hoping her last days have come at last,The grim reaper is a soul deliverer taking souls away,If he walks too far into the depths, the souls will try to stay,There l
The ghost with no face wears a hood. He passes through fog and dances on the other side of the clouds. When he comes to earth, he sleeps in caves. Caves cast their shadows against the crackling fires of hope. Hope is all that remains for Jeremy Davis. The sun is a fleeting idea that hides behind the clouds in their dark black sky.I never knew what living in crisis mode was like. It sucks and hurts my skin. Everything hurts my soul, my heart, my spirit. Pain has many forms and many faces, and I can't bear to wear my masks any longer. I've become a castle with one bridge to the world on the other side. When Jeremy's father told me he tried to commit suicide, that bridge fell into the world of bullies.Armor can protect a knight for so long. The helmet protects his thoughts. Jeremy's helmet was tossed aside ages ago. To me, he is like theGreen Knight, tossing aside fear and worry.The keys to my car fall to the floor. Damn! Getting to Jeremy is all