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When Derek and I
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Affair with the Rockstar And thus I found
And thus I found myself driving across the California desert the next afternoon in a 1969 Mercedes convertible with three of the four members of the hottest rock band in the world.Joshua Tree is almost two hours due east of Los Angeles. Which means we had a good bit further to go from San Diego. Everybody got up late, as they always did, so we didn’t actually hit the road until 2PM.Derek drove, and I sat beside him in the front seat. Ryan and Killian were in the back. Killian was plinking away on a guitar, as always. “Beautiful car, mate,” he called out.“It is, isn’t it?” Derek agreed.“You’re welcome,” Ryan said playfully from the backseat.Derek glanced in the rearview mirror. “I’m never gonna hear the end of this, am I?”“Nope.”“Did you pay yourself back yet?”“I haven’t exactly had time, what with all the drug trips out to the desert,” Ryan deadpanned.Their little exchange sparked a memory from the car dealership. I turned around and looked at Ryan. “Derek said something wh
Affair with the Rockstar On the way to Joshua tree
On the way to Joshua Tree, we stopped in a little town called Yucca Valley to get provisions. It was so small and out of the way that not a single person in the tiny grocery store recognized the band.“Don’t forget the orange juice,” Killian commanded. “We have to have orange juice.”“I didn’t know you liked orange juice so much,” I said.“It’s for all of us,” he explained. “Helps with the mushrooms. Intensifies the high. And helps you wash them down, since they taste like shite.”“Literally,” Derek said. “Since they grow in cow shit.”“Great,” I muttered, my stomach turning – and not just from the image of what I was going to ingest being plucked out of cow patties.No, my stomach was upset because now it was real.This was really going to happen.We actually didn’t go to Joshua Tree National Park – at least not right away. Instead, we wound our way through dusty back roads, past trailer homes and barren fields of cactus and rock, until we wound up at a tiny group of cabins out in th
Affair with the Rockstar Hey I want to
“Hey, I want to ask you a question,” I said as we walked along.“What?” Ryan asked.“What’s Killian’s deal?”“What do you mean, ‘what’s his deal’?”“The only questions he wouldn’t answer in the car were about his love life.”“Yeah, so?”“So, is he straight? Is he gay? What is he?”“He told you about those two girls.”“Yeah, but he might as well have said they were playing tiddlywinks. I know about Derek… and you told me about some of your adventures – ”“Is that what they were?” he joked. “Not misadventures?”“Call them what you like, but at least you had them. And I’ve seen Riley in action – which is something I wish I hadn’t seen. But the entire time I’ve been here, Killian hasn’t so much as made a pass at anybody. The most I’ve seen him do is share a joint.”Ryan was quiet for a moment.“Maybe you ought to ask him,” he suggested.“I did, remember?”Ryan sighed. “I didn’t tell you this, okay?”“Okay.”“Seriously, this is off the record.”“Of course.”“I’m not sure Killian has a ‘thi
Affair with the Rockstar Ryan and I got off of the
Ryan and I got off of the heavy topics and onto some more light-hearted fare – how his sisters kept asking him for cell phone pictures they could show around school, how his mother kept trying to set him up with the daughters of her friends – when I started giggling uncontrollably at one of his comments.“It wasn’t that funny,” he said.“I know,” I said, slightly alarmed at my reaction.“Well, thanks,” he joked.That set me off giggling again.“No, I mean… oh my God, is it happening?” I asked, suddenly remembering that I had eaten an illegal substance about twenty minutes ago.“Could be.”“Could be?”“I don’t know. I never did mushrooms.”“What did you do?”“Cocaine, pot, some uppers and downers… nothing psychedelic.”For some reason beyond understanding, that was the funniest thing I’d ever heard.He just stood back and smiled as I doubled over in laughter.“Are you okay?” he asked.I was more than okay.I was absolutely fan-fucking-tastic.“I’m just… happy,” I told him. And it was t
Affair with the Rockstar We finally reached the
We finally reached the cabins. And Bob.He was outside in the dark, surrounded by the dogs, who were running around him and yapping.“You guys okay?” he asked.In reality, his tone of voice was probably just concerned. Solicitous. Wanting to make sure we were alright.But remember, at this stage of the game, I was still convinced he was God.I believe I now have some insight about how Adam and Eve must have felt when their Maker showed up in the Garden of Eden and asked, Hey, have you two crazy kids been eating any apples?I felt like my soul was laid naked before him, and he could see all my sins. All I wanted to do was run and hide.Not Derek.“Never better, Bob!” he crowed.Killian just giggled uncontrollably as he kept playing his weird, atonal guitar solos.As the lone sober person, Ryan stepped in as ambassador for the rest of us druggies. “We’re good, thanks.”“Okay,” Bob said. “If you need anything, just holler.”And then God and his angels retreated to Heaven, leaving us mer
Affair with the Rockstar We made love
We made love after that, and it was extraordinary.The mushrooms were still affecting me, so that was obviously part of it.But even more powerful was the emotional high I was on.The two of those things combined were absolutely mind-blowing.A few minutes before, my anger had taken me out of the moment.Now my love and desire for him made nothing exist but the here and now.His body, my body, become one.At times, it was hard to tell where he ended and I began. We kissed at first – a long, slow, lingering kiss that seemed to last forever. Just like out in the desert, I lost all sense of time. It might have been two minutes, or it might have lasted fifteen. All I know is that as he touched my arms, I could feel him stir every downy little hair. When his mouth moved across mine, I could feel the hot, wet, feverish slide of his lips pull against my skin. His breath in my ear was just as erotic as any touch, and when I felt his body pressed against mine, it felt like I had found a part
Affair with the Rockstar when I awoke the next morning, I wondered if
When I awoke the next morning, I wondered if maybe my brain was broken.All my thoughts were fuzzy and disjointed. My head throbbed. Things seemed slightly unreal and hyper-real at the same time.Hangover time, mushroom style.Derek was still asleep, lying naked in the sheets.Mmmm… nice view. But I felt so messed up that I couldn’t properly enjoy it.I got up and took a shower, trying to will the hot water to wash away my blahs.No such luck.I remembered having sex without the condom, and freaked out a little bit. I was on birth control, so there was no chance that I was pregnant – but I was a little worried about other things.I thought back to what he had told me: I get tested now, once a month. And I’m totally clean, by the way. I hoped we were on Day 3 of the month rather than Day 29.Fuck it… there’s nothing you can do now, so quit worrying about it.I got dressed and threw on a little makeup, then went back to the bedroom.Derek looked up sleepily from the tousled sheets. “H
Affair with the Rockstar after I got over
After I got over my bout of mortification, we talked for a little bit.“What did you think of the mushrooms?” Killian asked.“Did not care for them,” I answered, and proceeded to list all the messed-up phenomena I’d experienced – from the feelings of unreality, to the obsessively looping thoughts, to the complete inability to distinguish time.“Oh my,” Killian said sympathetically. “I’m sorry about that. That sounds bloody awful.”“The first hour was good, at least.”And the last couple were mind-blowing, I thought, though I didn’t say it out loud.“I had something similar the second time I came here,” Killian said.Ryan started laughing uproariously.I stared at him. “What’s so funny?”“Because he knows what’s comin’ next.”“I’d forgotten about that story,” Ryan guffawed.“What story?”“Well, I decided I wanted to be completely free. Just free of everything. I had this overwhelming urge to unburden myself of all the trappings of the civilized world… so I threw my wallet and my keys o
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