Given up on everything

Eliana left the cafe first, in a hurry, making an excuse that she was getting late for classes. However, in reality, that was just an excuse she just wanted to get out of that situation. She couldn't see him like that, fighting to find a reason to love her when he clearly didn’t.

Leo didn’t question her even when he could see that she was avoiding him the past few days. He stayed silent - no goodbye, good luck, or even a faint smile - and just watched as she ran away from that situation. He somewhat did want her to go away. A voice in his head told him to just end this relationship but he didn’t want to hurt her. Not after he knew what she had gone through her whole life.

All those thoughts of Leo’s were killing her as she couldn’t avoid him even when she kept avoiding his gaze the whole time. He was constantly comparing her to his ex-girlfriend again but the only thing she couldn’t understand was why he still desperately tried to find reasons he loved her. Why didn’t he just break up and go back with her?

Her questions were answered immediately. Nora, his ex-girlfriend had dumped him and they all had not seen her for almost a year. But Leo still couldn’t get over her. He still believed that she would come back. Eli looked a little like Nora except for the golden hair and the mole under her eye. They had a similar body shape. Therefore, Eliana always reminded him of Nora, still, he hated the fact that she was always depressed and avoided whenever she wanted to share her problems with him.

At this point, even he knew that they both weren’t happy in that relationship. Even after a year of being together, he didn’t know much about her as he just focussed on his own problems. Eliana on the other hand was waiting for him to change; patiently expecting him to finally look at her. Neither of them dared break off the relationship instead, they were waiting for the other person to do so. And hurting each other in that wait.

Eliana had made the excuse that she was late for class, but honestly, she didn’t care. She didn’t want to go to that room, filled with people who stared at her and judged her every move. Unfortunately, she was already standing in front of that big room. Without even realizing it, she had walked to this room that she wanted to avoid. She took a deep breath and finally entered the classroom which she had been avoiding for almost a week. 

That pencil and plain sheet didn’t excite her anymore instead it defined her. Her mind had got similar to that white sheet, blank- no pain, no happiness, just numbness all over. She couldn’t think of anything on her own, mostly didn’t want to, and just accepted whatever people around her told her. 

She went to the end of the seats and sat there all alone. Numerous gazes followed her as she walked through those other students. She was able to hear their thoughts despite trying her best to avoid their gaze.

“Geez, what a weirdo!”

“Who does she think she is? Dare to ignore me!”

“What does she have so much attitude for?”

“God she’s dressed so badly! Doesn’t she have any new clothes?” 

Eliana didn’t react at all. She had expected them to not even notice her cause she never talked to anyone. But it all got the opposite after they knew that she was dating Leo. 

Leo was extremely popular in the college and many girls wanted to date him but to everyone’s surprise, he was dating the ‘mysterious and gloomy girl of the college’. 

She still kept a low profile and tried to avoid all that. Leo and Eliana never met during college hours. Even if they did cross paths, he ignored her. This had left a bad impact on Eliana as people started spreading rumors saying she was a liar; a whore who used Leo to gain popularity and now pretended to be the victim.

The classes began and Eliana tried to focus on that but her mind was a mess. She couldn’t think of any particular thing. A number of thoughts revolving in her mind, making her anxious and scared. She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself but nothing seemed to work. The trembling wouldn’t stop; the fear of losing everything, a feeling that they all were staring at her, judging her, that she was the odd one out, she didn’t belong there, she didn’t deserve to be there. Eli clenched her fists tightly as she was on the verge of tears. But she didn’t want to cry in front of all of them. She didn’t want to show them her weakness so they could make fun of her again.

“I’m so sorry I’m late!” A female voice came and a girl came running inside the classroom. 

Eliana flinched on hearing her voice and slowly looked up. Her eyes widened on seeing her but her heart sank. It was Nora. The girl Leo loved so much. She was back at the college after almost a year. 

All the people who had made bad remarks on Eli smiled brightly on seeing Nora and greeted her happily. 

Eli bit her lower lip on seeing that. Her fists clenched tightly. She was trying hard to hold back her tears. That girl in front of her, with brown hair and flawless skin, was perfect. She excelled in everything and was kind to all. Eli didn’t found it surprising that Leo loved Nora so much. Everyone liked her, while Eliana on the other hand, was a nobody. Someone that all considered to be an eyesore.

She took a deep breath and tried to stay strong. But soon she realized that she was at her limit now. She couldn’t hold those tears back anymore. The anxiety attack was just making it all worse. She got out of the chair suddenly and rushed out of the room. The chair fell back due to the sudden movement and everyone looked back. People stared in her direction, finding her weird while some laughed loudly. 

Eliana ran away, as fast as she could. She was trying to get rid of all of her feelings by focussing her mind on something else, emptying it. By running in the cold weather without a jacket or a cap and letting her body get numb so it doesn’t react to anything. 

Her phone started buzzing again. She stopped after some time. She was in a park nearby, catching her breath. She sat on the bench, taking in deep breaths. Her eyes closed and her golden hair waving softly with the air. She wanted peace but her phone didn’t let that happen. She finally gave in when the buzzing didn’t stop. Her eyes a little teary and her nose red due to the cold air. She sniffed and opened her phone. Her fingers clenched the phone tightly as she saw the notifications. There were several missed calls and messages from just one person, her ‘lovely brother’.

“Ah~ why don’t you ever answer your phone? Well, guess what? They want to see their wretched daughter again. Come back this evening. It ain’t gonna happen every day.” All the messages were from Robert, her elder brother.

“Why does this keep happening to me?” Eliana sighed and laid back. “Can’t they just let me live peacefully? One problem after the other!” She threw her phone away and was frustrated. 

“What do they want now?” She referred to her parents. “Didn’t they abandon me already? So what now?”

She sat there silently for some time, arguing with herself if she should actually go. In the end, she decided to go; decided to take one more wound voluntarily. All these things happening one after the other frustrated her and now she didn’t even want to put up with the people around her.

It was the evening already, she had just laid on her bed staring at the ceiling blankly. She didn’t do anything except for drinking. There was no hope for doing anything else. She was ruining herself and that pain, that guilt; it somewhat gave her pleasure. She got a feeling of satisfaction seeing herself get ruining every second. There was a different satisfaction in seeing the thing you hate the most, get destroyed slowly. She hated herself the most as she blamed herself for everything that was happening, her boyfriend, her parents, the anxiety attacks, everything.

She finally got out of bed and stood in front of the mirror. She stared at her reflection blankly. She couldn’t recognize herself anymore. The sweet and cheerful girl was lost somewhere. Now, she saw a lifeless person, with the golden hair of a goddess but eyes with the darkness of a devil. 

In the past, she stayed positive no matter what happened; now, on the other hand, she just focussed on the negative things. But she got bullied a lot in the past whereas now, she had made huge walls around herself and no one could approach her. 

They couldn’t affect her if she didn’t want them to. But it was a whole different story here. She hated herself to the extent that she wanted to feel that pain again. She let others' words affect her as she only focused on them.