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CHAPTER 108
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A vow of hate CHAPTER 109
HAZELAfter I walked out of the doctor’s office, I took a cab to Chistian’s office instead of heading back home. I was still feeling a little dizzy, but if I was being honest with myself, I’d started feeling dizzy the moment the doctor had started talking. One time I’d been prescribed antibiotics for my sore throat when I was twenty-years-old, and I’d ended up at the emergency room. As it turned out, I was allergic to penicillin. Giving my blood was a whole other…experience. To say I didn’t like needles, doctors or hospitals of any kind would be an understatement. Because of all that, I could do nothing but feel dizzy, thinking the worst. As to why I was standing in front of the Walker building near Kerry Park, I didn’t have a straight answer for that. I walked through security, got in the elevator with six other people, and got off on Christian’s floor. I walked up to the red-haired, blue-eyed receptionist, the same one I’d seen at The Lark and the one time I’d been there.“Hi. I wan
A vow of hate CHAPTER 110
I felt my eyes blur a little. “Can you get me a tissue, please?” I asked, keeping my chin up and away from his gaze. He let go of me and got up to leave. “Wait, I have some in my—” He walked out of his office before I could tell him I had some more in my bag. I stood up. He came back with a pretty box of Kleenex and held it out for me. I pulled one out and, sniffling, held it under my nose. “Are you okay?” he asked again, looking straight into my eyes. I nodded and tilted my head back a little more to stop the flow a bit. Sometimes that helped. Now that I’d learned what it could be, the feeling of that warm trickle was freaking me out more than it had only hours earlier. Christian massaged his temple, walked a few steps away, and then came back to stand in front of me. “Okay. Okay, tell me what the doctor said. I’m assuming it’s not allergies from the look on your face.” “Nope. Turns out it’s probably not allergies or a cold. He wants to run some tests, wants to get a CT scan and
A vow of hate CHAPTER 111
His forehead creased. “What do you mean you didn’t schedule them?”“A CT scan, I can do, Christian. I googled it and it’s only a minute, plus only my head would go in. The MRI, which is what he said they needed to see if there is a hole and where it is—that one I can’t do.”He looked at me in confusion. “What are you talking about?”“I’m not okay with closed spaces.”“You’re claustrophobic? You never panic in an elevator.”“Elevators are fine, as long as I don’t get stuck in them. Plus, I can move. I don’t have to stay still. I talked to a nurse when I exited the doctor’s office and apparently the type of scan he wants takes over fifteen minutes, and I can’t move at all during it—as in I’m not allowed to move or twitch any part of my body. If I do, they’ll have to start all over again.” I could feel my eyes burning with tears. I felt so stupid. “Thinking about it is already giving me anxiety, and she said they will need to close a cage on my head “because apparently it needs to be sta
A vow of hate CHAPTER 112
I nodded and took a deep, deep breath, having gotten a better handle on my emotions thanks to his brand of tough love. “I’m not good with doctors,” I told him, repeating my earlier confession. “I’m not good with stuff like this, especially since I had to see my mom in that place for s-so long.” My voice broke and I hated it. “I’m not good with these things.”“I really couldn’t tell.” His beautiful and gentle smile was the last straw for me, and the tears just started to roll down my face.He must’ve misunderstood my tears, because he rushed to explain. “You have to stop crying. I can’t take it. We’ll deal with it together, if it comes to it, but we’re not going to worry about it before we know what it is exactly. It doesn’t make sense to do so. Agreed?”“Now you smile at me?” I blurted out, ignoring his support. His face was already blurring as my eyes started to fill with tears, but I managed to hit him on his chest once, lightly. “Now?” I didn’t even realize my voice was rising, but
A vow of hate CHAPTER 113
CHRISTIAN“Five million. Just as you wanted.”I dumped the black duffel bag of money at Mark’s foot, watching as it fell to the floor with a thud, causing dust to rise and stir around his feet before it settled. He let out a loud whistle as he crouched down and opened the bag, taking out a wad of cash and inhaling it before he stood up. I scrunched up my face, visibly irritated.“See, it's always nice doing business with you. Maybe in a more ideal situation, we could even be friends. We could be as tight as brothers,” Mark said, slapping me across the arm in a too personal and familiar manner.I landed my steely gaze on his face, making sure I was staring straight at him. “I’m not your friend. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go meet my wife." I turned away from him, dusting off imaginary dust from where his hand had been, only to stop in my tracks at the sound of his voice.“How is she doing anyway?”I turned so fast that I almost got whiplash. There was something almost sincere i
A vow of hate CHAPTER 114
Her eyes met mine and I gestured to the cup with my head. She dropped her head forward and the first few drops started coming. A few seconds later, her left hand curled around my wrist. At first I thought maybe she was trying to line up the cup right under her nose, but when I looked closely, she had her eyes tightly closed and was biting her lip. I cursed myself for not being better in a situation like this. My family hadn’t been any better than hers. Not as bad, but still not better. I had a family, but not really. My father messed up our family dynamics a long time ago, so it looked like we’re a tight knit circle, but we really weren’t. I didn’t know exactly how to be there for someone emotionally because I hadn’t seen anything like it in my family. And this situation wasn’t exactly the same as being there for my daughter. This felt much like trying to find my way in the dark. But it was Hazel. I didn’t mind if I crashed into everything as I tried to find my way, the only thing tha
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The next day we were sitting at the ENT’s office again as he gave us more information about Hazel’s sickness. He said everything the other doctor had said to Hazel before, and whenever I cast a quick glance her way where she was sitting next to me, her eyes were glazed over. I didn’t know how much of it she actually heard. Her hands were grasping the arms of the chair in a white-knuckled grip, so I didn’t think my touch would be welcome. Instead, I asked every single question that came to my mind about her upcoming unavoidable surgery.“After we see the results of your MRI and the CT scan, we’ll schedule your surgery.” Hazel cleared her throat and interrupted the doctor. “I’m sorry for interrupting you, but I’m claustrophobic—is there any way we can avoid the MRI scans if we already know from the samples that this is a CSF leak and I’m gonna have surgery anyway?” “I’m afraid not, Mrs. Walker. Since you didn’t have a head trauma or any other injuries that could cause a CSF l
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“Since you were worried about the leaking, we’ll put this paper down under your nose so hopefully it won’t distract you too much. Also, it’s going to be loud in there, so here are your ear plugs. The sounds are completely normal, so don’t let them panic you.”The technician offered another pair to me as Hazel took them without a word and placed them in her ears. “Ready?” the girl asked, her gaze moving between mine and Hazel's.Hazel cleared her throat. “Yes.” She secured her head in the contraption, and I helped her lie down on her stomach. Her eyes were already tightly closed. Before the technician could disappear behind the door, I got her attention. “Can I touch her?”“Yes, but try not to move her.”The door closed, and Hazel and I were alone—if you didn’t count everyone else on the other side of the glass, that is. A few seconds later, the technician’s voice filled the room as she spoke into a mic from the other side. “Okay, we’re about to start, Hazel. I’ll be talking and letti
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A vow of hate EPILOGUE
CHRISTIAN & HAZEL I chuckled as the doctor squirted the gel on Hazel’s tummy, making her squirm. Hazel always reacted to the cold. I kissed her and watched as the wand moved back and forth, and the image became clearer. “There’s your baby.” The doctor, Suzanne smiled, clicking and measuring. I held my breath as she turned on the sound, and I heard the heartbeat. The odd noise filled the room, the fast, steady sound like music to my ears. “You’re sure you want to know the sex?” “Yes!” Hazel and I exclaimed. “It’s a girl,” Suzanne announced. I laughed. “I’m surrounded. My own little harem.” Hazel’s eyes were focused on the screen. She tilted her head, looking confused. “It all looks good…” Suzanne’s voice trailed off. I frowned at the subtle change in the noise. It was faster, like an echo of itself, the strumming continuous. “Well, look who’s been hiding,” Suzanne mused and glanced over at us. She grinned and winked at me. “You did good, Christian.” She peered at the screen in
A vow of hate CHAPTER 169
HAZELI crawled into bed with Christian, snuggled into his side, and rested my head on his chest. He groaned as he shifted.“Are you all right?” I asked, worried that I had hurt him.He nodded. “Colin warned me that getting the sensation back in my legs was going to hurt. He’s fucking right.”Between rushing after Valerie, walking for everyone, moving around the house with his walker, and sitting on Valerie’s bed as he read to her for over an hour, I knew he was exhausted. But when I asked if he was ready to sleep, he said he wasn’t. I felt the same way too. Mentally, I was still wide awake. “Do you want some pain killers?”“No. As weird as it sounds, I want to feel it. I never thought I would get to this point, so aches and all, I’m going to go with it.”I laughed softly. “You’re right, Christian. You are weird.”He dragged her up his chest,causing a little gasp of surprise to escape me.“You wanna help me forget about the aches, Hazel?” he murmured in my ear, biting my lobe. “Make m
A vow of hate CHAPTER 168
The room around me buzzed with activity. Voices, people moving, talking to me, trying to get my attention. I held my breath, scared that if I even so much as breathed, I would miss something important.My focus was on one thing. The doctor examining Valerie. I had insisted, and finally Hazel relented, seeing how upset I was about her. My wife glanced up, smiling as she lifted Valerie to her shoulder. She tilted her chin, letting me know everything was okay. A fact that she was certain of, but I needed to be sure. She handed Valerie over to me and escorted the doctor out and I relaxed, pressing a kiss to my daughter’s head. She looked up, wrinkling her nose.“Hi, Daddy.” “Hey, baby girl.” She patted my hand. “Boo-boo better,” she cooed. “Good.” “Yeah, Daddy feels better.” I brushed a curl off her face. “How did you know?” She pushed on my cheek with her tiny finger. “You Daddy again. You smile.” I dropped my head, pressing kisses all over her sweet little fa
A vow of hate CHAPTER 167
I had never tried to comfort a person still caught between being a young man and a grown-ass adult. I had never reached out and been the role model.It was another lesson I was learning.Dennis was emotional. Filled with apologies. Begging for forgiveness. Once I broke through his stuttering words and barely held-back sobs, I set him straight.“What happened was not your fault. You didn’t put me in this wheelchair, Dennis. None of it is your doing. You need to stop blaming yourself.”“I can’t.”“You can. Get some help. I’ll ask Randy to take you on. He is an amazing person to help you sort things out and get your head straight.” I barked out a laugh. “If he can handle my shit, he can help you.”“But he’s here.”“Yes,” I agreed. “Which is where you need to be. You have a life waiting here for you, Dennis. A job you’re good at. Friends. Family.” I huffed out a breath. “Don’t let that day define you. Move past it.”“The guilt,” he said quietly. “It holds me hostage. That I’m walking arou
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I grabbed her hips, guiding her. Pushing her up and pulling her back down. She sobbed my name, her back arching as her release washed through her. I watched as she lost herself in the moment. I had forgotten how beautiful she was in her release. The way her entire frame shuddered. How she bit her lip and lowered her chin as if sinking into the feeling. The breathiness of my name falling from her lips. And how it felt when her muscles fluttered, tightened around me, taking all I had—giving me so much more.My body strained, the urge to thrust and grind against her eclipsing everything else. An orgasm hit me, obliterating everything in its path. I saw stars, the ecstasy was so great. I opened my mouth in a soundless scream, and somewhere, deep inside, I felt a flex, the pinching of muscles not used for so long now gripping, then vanishing as fast as they had engaged. A long, agonized sound escaped as my entire being surrendered. The pain, the pleasure, the sweet torture of it all.Hazel
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CHRISTIANThe taste and feel of my wife chased away the last lingering remnants of my dream. Hazel wasn’t walking away. She was right here, with me, in my arms.Right where she should be.I kissed her deeply, seeking out her tongue with mine, stroking hard and deep. Reclaiming her mouth. Reclaiming her. I yanked her tight to my chest, pulling off the towel she had draped around her body. I pushed down the blanket that covered me, needing to feel her. I dragged her over my lap, groaning at the feel of her weight pressing down on me. Still kissing her, I slid my hands over her silken thighs, parting them and settling her so she straddled me.She pulled back, gasping. “Is this okay?”“Fucking yes, it’s okay.” I pressed my mouth to her neck, licking up the damp, elegant column of her throat. “It’s fucking perfect.” I murmured. “You’re so perfect for me, Haze. And I’m such an idiot. Everything that has happened, it only made you stronger, but not me… I got weak.”She grabbed my face, holdi
A vow of hate CHAPTER 164
Valerie’s feet kicked in excitement as we turned down the street. I smiled at her in the rearview mirror.“Daddy waiting!” she crowed.I felt both excitement and trepidation as I pulled into the driveway. I wanted to come home so much, yet I was afraid of what was going to happen when we were alone. Would Christian continue moving forward, or would our presence once again cause him to slide backward? Once he got over the initial pleasure of seeing his child, would he again find her, and me, more of a bother? I wasn’t sure I could take it if that happened. I couldn’t watch the man I love disappear into the shell he used to be. But a small voice in my head kept telling me he wouldn’t. The gifts, the notes, the calls, and texts from him were all sent by the man I loved. He had made sure I knew how sorry he was feeling and how hard he was working to come back to us. He even opened up and expressed his worries, finally letting me know the depth of his fears. Finally letting me understand w
A vow of hate CHAPTER 163
HAZELChristian lifted his face from my neck, his eyes red, his cheeks damp. I had never witnessed him break down that way. The rare occasions when he cried, he still held himself in check, his pride unable to allow even me to fully see his pain. I grabbed the tissues Maddox had dropped beside us and wiped Christian’s face, cupping his cheeks. “Hey,” I whispered, looking up at him from where I crouched between his legs. “I guess I lost the last piece of my man card with that display,” he mumbled.“I doubt it. Maddox was openly weeping before you even finished walking, and Mia had to leave the room.” He frowned in confusion. “Why?” “They’re as proud of you as I am, Christian.” “Where are they?” “Maddox made sure you were back in your chair, and they left. I heard the car driving away, so I assumed they left to give us some privacy.” He looked down, surprised. “I have no recollection of being moved.” I softened my voice. “You were pretty emotional.”
A vow of hate CHAPTER 162
Hazel loved the spa. She sent pictures of them all enjoying the treatments, sipping champagne, even funny ones of Valerie getting a baby massage and having her toes done with the girls, holding up a glass of apple juice. They made me smile, even as my heart ached. I sent flowers to the hotel for Hazel. I added a box of her preferred chocolates. When she went back to mom and Grandpa’s, I sent a chef to make her favorite meal. A basket of bath products to indulge her love of soaking in the tub. I sent it with a stuffed bear, fluffy and cute with a card attached, reading: "Snuggle this until you’re home. I’ll take his place when you’re ready. All my love—Your Christian". One night, lying in our bed alone, I turned on some music. I shut my eyes and listened as the soothing voice of Neil Diamond played in the darkness. A song came on, and for some reason, the lyrics hit me as they never had before. “The Story of My Life” spoke of the depth of his love for the woman in his life
