Chapter 5

While the applause was rising, it was Kerem's footsteps, echo and hum that filled his ears, which Hande heard despite those voices. He freshened his trembling breath when Kerem came to the stage without looking at himself and took the award given by the presenter without smiling. Holding his head upright, he cast a haughty look at the person in front of him and looked at him with a serious expression. When the presenter extended the microphone towards Kerem, Kerem took a hard look at the presenter, said something and retreated. Hande could not express her astonishment when she saw that the color of the server had faded. He was a live witness to an event that was considered impossible. Yes, it wouldn't be like that!

While Kerem was handing the plaque to Hande, their eyes met for a moment. The cold green eyes that look terribly and the black, proud eyes that contrast with him... Hande took the plaque from Kerem and looked at her outstretched hand for a few seconds. He held out his hand as his nervous gaze increased even more as the flashes began to explode. Kerem held his breath as he shook his hand and lifted his head. He was cold as his hand; his gaze, his eyes… The pain in his hand was increasing. It was obvious from his chin that he was squeezing Kerem's hand. He was clenching his hand while clenching his teeth, and it was incredibly painful. As the flashes went off one after the other, Hande turned to the guests. Nobody was aware of anything. He looked down at his reddened hand as the pain subsided. Then to Kerem's terrible eyes, to the guests with a forced smile for the last time. He tried to smile as his aching hand started to tremble, holding the plaque forcibly.

Confident that no one but herself noticed what she was going through, Hande shouted loudly into the microphone, which was extended by raising the plaque among the applause, without reflecting the explosion inside her.

"On behalf of Bilkent University, on behalf of my teacher İlber Karatay and on behalf of all my teammates!"

While the applause was getting louder, Hande got down with a plaque in her hand and hugged her teacher, who opened her arms, and then all her teammates. After interviews with the press and photo shoots, the night started to end slowly. After hugging and celebrating with her family for the last time, Hande took a breath and closed her eyes. He'd spent a night that didn't get in the way of his face. He couldn't help himself with happiness as he took his parents' arms and left the living room until he saw that man again!

As Kerem entered the hall as fast as the wind, his walk was frightening. She felt chills as she walked past him with an icy expression. He closed his eyes and opened them immediately. The atmosphere in the hotel was becoming more and more stifling. She felt like a schizophrenic. No one had noticed what she had just experienced, and that was why she felt. When he got out of the hotel, he shuddered from the cool wind and kissed his parents and got into his own car. When Seza got on her side, she quickly left.

When they came to the place where they celebrated with the team, Hande got out of the car in a calm way. He pretended to listen to Seza's stupid conversations, but he hadn't heard any of them. He was thinking about those few minutes he still had. When he looked at his hand as he entered the club, he saw that the redness had increased. However, he was a digger and always used his hands, but what did that arrogant guy do with his hand! When he felt the pain as he squeezed his hands open, his nerves came to the top. It took a few seconds for Seza to say something to the sound of the music and leave her side.

"Kerem, you know that if I drive, I wouldn't tell you to come. This is the celebration dinner. We were all together. Now if I'm not here, I'll be upset."

Kerem was breathing heavily while listening to Nesrin with a serious expression on the steering wheel.

"If you had said that earlier, I would have arranged the driver. I will not wait for you at the door like your driver. I will not sit in the same restaurant with your teenage friends! All I have to do is drop you off. How you come, it's up to you!"

As Nesrin's face turned pale, she looked at the restaurant. The team were sitting at side-by-side tables, talking. It would take hours to get out of the meal and go to the mansion, and he couldn't say "leave me" to anyone. The mansion and this place were in opposite places. She would either attend that dinner or go home with Kerem. His short thoughts and his last look at Kerem. She sighed when she saw Kerem's unbroken expression while it all lasted less than a minute. As soon as we got out of the car silently, it took seconds for Kerem to step on the gas. He wasn't surprised, but it was filling up now. No matter how hard he tried to understand, the ropes were breaking somewhere...

He looked at the vanishing car. After opening his bag and checking it, he entered the restaurant with heavy steps. When he saw his teammates, he forgot what had just happened and joined them, but something was broken inside him and his pain was burning inside.

***

By the time the clock struck midnight, the archaeological team said goodbye and left. When Nesrin went out with Hande and Seza, she looked around with a foolish hope for the last time, but when she couldn't see what she wanted, she looked at Hande with a bitter expression and a little uneasy. What would he say? He thought about it, and began to speak with one last courage.

"Hande, will you drop me off at the hotel?"

His voice was low and sad. When Hande paused for a moment and looked at Nesrin, she was faced with the questions she asked but did not find an answer.

"Nesrin, I couldn't think of it. I thought you had a car. I didn't understand why I would leave the hotel."

Nesrin smiled shyly and bowed her head.

"I live next to my aunt in the Karahan mansion. It is very far from that point of view. The driver will come tomorrow."

It occurred to Hande that Kerem was with Nesrin. Then her absence and her friend's current state… She thought quickly and put her thoughts in order, then smiled desperately.

"Okay dear. Let's go."

Nesrin sighed heavily as they got into the car without saying anything more. She couldn't be angry with Kerem either because she knew him, and she was the only person who was on good terms with Kerem. Despite this, what they went through... As she looked out with her pensive eyes, when she saw Hande speeding past the hotel, it was reflected in her panicked voice.

"We passed the hotel!"

"I know. You're my guest tonight. I'll drop you off tomorrow and I don't want the slightest objection."

"Hande ama ben-"

"But you're my guest tonight, it's over. Now I'm concentrating on the road. Please don't talk about it."

While Nesrin remained helpless, she resented the situation she was in. He would not think about what Kerem did, he would not spoil this beautiful night, but it was in vain...

Nesrin took one last look at the nightgown she was wearing and sighed. It was getting more and more painful to endure certain things. Although his aunt and uncle were well behaved, sometimes he felt like a refuge. Had it not been for that accident, he would drive his car and not need anyone! That accident not only made his life hell, but also made him live like a refuge. Even though Kerem knew this most sensitive point, it was even more painful for him to act like this...

"If you need anything, the house is yours. You can move freely as you like. Good night."

"Goodnight."

He lay down on the bed as his words spilled out broken from his lips. He compared Hande's sincerity with her cousin's behavior. Kerem Karahan, one of whom is a stranger and the other is his cousin whom he loves dearly! He closed his eyes as he pulled the blanket over him. Think about how far it was. It was Kerem who didn't change, he won't change...

***

As the first light of the morning came to Inanoglu mansion, Nesrin got up with a restless expression after breakfast was served joyfully at the table prepared on the terrace. She wanted to go as soon as possible. No matter how much he felt like a refuge, the place where he lived was the Karahan mansion. He would call the mansion and ask for a driver and leave immediately. Hande looked at Nesrin's uneasy behavior and came to her.

"It's not very ethical to say I'll take you, but it's so obvious that you want to go. Shall we go?"

Nesrin smiled gratefully.

"Not that much. Now I'll call the driver, he'll come and go. I've given enough trouble. I can't ask for more."

Hande gave a small laugh as she looked at him with a confused expression.

"You surprise me so much. Are you sure you and your cousin are really cousins? You're so different."

Without answering Nesrin, she took her handbag and took it in her arm.

"No offense but I'm right. No need for a driver. I'm leaving you. Besides, I have work to go to the center and I don't want any objections!"

Nesrin left Hande's arm at the last moment and said goodbye to Seza and Hande's family and got into the car with running steps.

He looked at Handan with an uneasy expression as he waved to his daughter from the iron terrace. When his smiling eyes found his own, he averted his eyes. He looked at his watch, then at the date. He threw himself in amid the distress and constriction that filled him. He entered the study and locked the door. He opened his locked drawer and read the paper he took out many times. As his eyes filled with tears, he opened the other drawer and looked at the gun lying there. He took out the gun and placed it on the paper. He let go of the sob that was stuck in his throat as his eyes filled with unblinking eyes. He covered his mouth with his hand so that his voice would not be heard. He looked at the pictures of his daughter sitting on the table. Her daughter's graduation, her childhood, she was smiling in all her pictures. He touched the pictures with his trembling hand. Suddenly she turned all the frames face down. Biting his fisted hand, he thought back to the old days. She remembered how she lived and what kind of person she was. The past had passed, but the night he lived did not and would not pass! That past was hurting him day by day, and he felt that he was going to die step by step. The mistake he made would now cost his entire family, not his own life. He had no place to sleep if he died, but he hadn't been able to die for years because of his helplessness! Wanting to die was called helplessness, the easy way, but... But he couldn't die because of his own helplessness!

He suppressed a muffled sob and picked up the gun with a trembling hand. He was clenching his fist as tears flowed from his eyes one after the other. He put the gun to his head. He lifted one of the frames he had turned face down. He looked at the picture of his daughter, which he hardly saw with tears in his eyes. Hande was smiling. As always... Even when she was saddest, she came to life with her smile, but she threw her daughter into death's lap with her own hands. His trembling hand held the gun while the other was holding the frame. He brought his finger to the trigger as his hoarse sob became hoarse. Dying was not a weakness! He wanted to die honorably, put an end to his life and give an account to the creator wherever he went, to take his punishment! Instead of staying here and her daughter looking at him with hatred, she was willing to burn in hell for eternity instead. It was so heavy to give an account to his daughter and wife...

After that night, he couldn't even look into Hande's eyes! The day he was born, how they named him after that all crossed his mind in seconds. The day she got up at night, took her for a walk, took her to the park, bottle fed her, the first day she started school, and that damn night of hell... This time she was going to do it! This time he would not be incapable of death and would press the goddamn trigger! When his trembling finger found the trigger, he took one last breath as the words "forgive me, forgive me" fell from his lips in a low voice. He ignored the ringing phone as he pressed his finger on the trigger. This time he wasn't going to give up! While the phone was ringing persistently, he took it out of his pocket and looked at the screen, and when he saw the text "My Hande", he pulled the gun from his head trembling. She was crying and her crying was getting louder. He looked at the phone through the tears that flowed like rain. The gun fell from his trembling hand. He touched the name on the screen with his finger. He touched his daughter's name... Or was he in trouble!? Or did her daughter have an accident!? Clenching his fist, he knew there could be no greater trouble than the trouble he had caused her! With a trembling hand, he picked up the phone. He knew his daughter. He would speak without saying hello and he was not wrong!

"Hello daddy! It's my mom's birthday now. I'm going to town to buy her a present. The cake is ready, too. I couldn't decide what to write on it."

He hung up the phone as he covered his mouth with his iron hand and sobbed. He immediately wiped his eyes and texted his daughter with trembling hands.

"Your mother was with me, I couldn't speak. "You are so heartbreaking for us. We are lucky to have you in our lives and we love you so much. Happy New Years together.

As soon as the message was gone, Demir slammed a fist on the table and started to cry loudly, with the answer that came within minutes. He had run out of stamina.

"I am my genius father. You are so slender, so elegant. I am so lucky to have a thoughtful father like you. I'm glad you're my father. I'm glad I'm your daughter. I'll kiss you when you come, and it's huge!"

He quickly stood up and threw everything on the table to the floor. He still wasn't dead! Again he succumbed to his helplessness! Even when he killed his daughter with his own hands, he had never been this helpless... The fire inside him would not go out no matter what he did. Because he knew that only the last thing called death could put out that fire. Only those who were not helpless would do it. That fire in the helpless would burn until death, and it would burn like hell... Just like you burned yourself...

***

When the car stopped, she smiled gratefully at Nesrin Hande and held her hand.

"It's been a hassle, thank you."

"If you say thank you again, I think I won't talk. Nesrin, if I were in the same situation, wouldn't you do it? I'm just leaving it to your house."

"I would. I would. I just did. Shall we have coffee anyway? Or tea."

"Today is my mother's birthday. Now I have to go to Nevşehir for her. I promise next time."

While Nesrin got out of the car and waved after Hande, she lifted her head and looked at the mansion. Kerem was still standing in his usual place. He averted his eyes when his cold gaze met hers. He was used to it, but he was offended. He would do it as usual. He would act as if nothing had happened and be silent. When he got up, he met Kerem. She couldn't understand his serious mocking facial expression. She stayed where she was at the sound she heard as she smiled slightly and walked into her room.

"You didn't call the driver! I thought you came at night!"

Kerem Karahan and the speech he always gives. Insensitive, reckless, most of all, ruthless!

He lifted his head and smiled as his breathing to calm him burned his lungs. Artificial, forced...

"Friends didn't leave last night."

A short answer, his step, ended with a loud voice.

"Are you talking about the person you met from scratch!?"

"Evet."

When he lowered his head and entered his room, he came across a picture of his parents. With a wry smile and heavy steps, he went to the nightstand and took the picture in his hand. While the word "I'm sorry" was falling from his mouth with broken sobs, he embraced the picture among his rising cries... Death was right, but the person who caused it would suffer from remorse until he died...

***

Pictures taken of a beautiful birthday celebrated and a picture of a happy family... Demir looked at his watch while sitting on the terrace. It was : and tonight was the end. The day came when he would put his daughter alive in the grave. He took the last sip of his drink and stood up. She staggered to her daughter's room. He grabbed the door handle. He didn't have the courage to open it. He lowered the handle of the door and walked slowly towards his daughter. He was sleeping peacefully. He had told his daughter, his life, everything, one by one, about his plans for tomorrow. He listened and agreed, crying inside. However, he didn't know anything. Neither his daughter nor his wife... He was not going to make his daughter pay for the mistake he made years ago! He sat next to her and stroked her hair. He covered his mouth with his hand as tears flowed from his eyes. He bent down and kissed his daughter's hair. He smelled it to the fullest. Despite drinking so much, he got up and left the room with a brisk movement.

***

Kerem quickly passed the workers and went to his room. When he took a shower and left, he sat down to the breakfast prepared on the terrace. He sensed something strange while he was eating his breakfast without looking at anyone, but he would not ask again and as usual! She had her breakfast and got up. Altan looked after his son with a calm expression. He pointed to the man next to him. When he got to his room in his wheelchair, he closed the door and locked it. He took his phone. He called without thinking. The phone ringing a few times and the trembling voice on the other end...

"I'm ready. But I have one last request from you."

Allen was silent for a while. He thought.

"Say it for the last time!"

".............."

Although Altan took a sigh of relief after hanging up the phone, the restlessness within him continued to increase. Now the last fort remained in front of him. If he took that castle, his job would be as easy as ripping a sock. But the job was to take that castle, and that castle was so well guarded. He should have been so prepared. It must have been so strong. That castle was surrounded by strong walls. Even if it was a solid wall, he would burn and destroy those walls. He was going to attack that castle with thousands of soldiers. It wasn't the walls he feared. Thousands of soldiers to meet him in the castle he feared were not in the guns. He was the only one who guarded that castle he feared. He is the only person in life that he is afraid of, even from his shadow. His life, his blood, his son... Kerem Karahan!