Chapter 3: Panic & Solace - Mei

After Amelia’s announcement we join training but as time goes on the excitement I had, started to wear off and panic began to take over. I’m not good with meeting new people, now I’m going to meet a new person who is much stronger than I am. What if I say or do something wrong? She’s going to teach me more about my species, but what if it’s bad news? What if she tells me I don’t belong in a pack and I need to leave?

A million thoughts are running through my head each making me more panicked than the one before. A headache is forming, a new layer of heat is spreading through me bringing a coat of sweat making my skin feel clammy and it has nothing to do with training. My heart is hammering, and the speed is making my chest ache. My ears are burning, and I feel as though my insides are about to explode while simultaneously feeling like I’m being crushed by an invisible weight. My body shakes with adrenaline and a feel the sting of tears in my eyes.

I’m trying to calm down but all I can hear is the Albus Mons’ Luna’s voice in my head telling me how useless I am and how everything is my fault as she beats me into submission. I can’t hear what’s happening around me, but I can faintly see the person I’m sparring with, but the panic consuming me keeps me frozen in place and I don’t even realise my opponent has punched me in the face until I feel electricity running up and down my arms and over my face as Chris’ concerned voice screams my name.

I focus my eyes in front of me and see his hazel-green eyes staring back at me with so much tenderness and worry. I feel his worry through our bond as it compounds on my own.

'Mei. Mei, look at me, my love. Remember what Eric taught you. Start naming pack members, you can do it,' his sweet voice rings in my head giving me a moment of clarity.

'We’re right here for you, just keep breathing,' adds Axel’s concerned yet soothing voice.

Normally for a mutolupus, the human side can’t hear the wolf side until the wolves have mated, but I guess since I’m not a mutolupus, marking and mating with me was enough. Instantly I could hear Axel the same as I can hear Chris. I was so happy I cried. I feared I’d never hear Axel’s voice in my mind, and I know Axel was overjoyed he’d be able to speak to me.

I look in Chris’ eyes as I try to find my voice and try to control my breathing like Axel said. Speaking feels exhausting, but I know I have to try.

“A-A-Alpha Am-elia Dolivo… L-Luna Marcus H-Hayda,” I whisper, each word feeling as though it’s zapping my energy.

“That’s it, you’re doing amazing, keep going,” he encourages, his hands still gently cupping my face; his thumbs softly brushing against my cheeks; the tingles soothing me a little more at a time.

“Beta… Vitali Hughes,” I take in a large lungful of air and let it out with a shudder that I feel in my stomach. “Beta Eric Hughes… um…” What’s the next name? It’s right there, what is it? I shake my head trying to focus on the list in my head. “Gamma Tyson Grey, Gamma Evalyn Grey, Delta Chris Melgren,” saying his name helps me remember he’s right here, right in front of me. It’s his hands holding me, it’s his voice guiding me and then I realise the panic had stopped. My mind has cleared up. I reach out and hold a hand to his cheek, his beard scratching my palm.

He turns his head kissing my palm softly, making my hand tingle. “That a girl. Do you need to keep going?” He gently asks.

I shake my head. His physical contact and the exercise Eric taught me did the trick and I can feel myself calming down. The adrenaline that pumped through me, triggering my fight or flight has now left me feeling fatigued.

When Eric realised I suffer from panic attacks he gave me a mental exercise to do when I feel them coming on. He had me name everything in the room that was yellow. I didn’t understand why, but then he pointed out that while I was busy focusing on the task, my panic had slowed down. My brain was forced to focus on something in the here and now and it allowed whatever brought on the panic to slip away.

At the time I was trying to learn everyone’s names and titles so I decided when I would have an attack I’d try to recall that list, and the shocking thing was, it worked. The more severe attacks aren’t stopped, but smaller ones I can stop through this exercise.

“Take her inside, Chris. Go help her recuperate,” says Marcus.

It’s only now I realise there’s a crowd around me and I instantly feel uncomfortable. Everyone is looking at me with concern, but none more concerned than, Chris, my gentle giant. My sparring partner looks pale for some reason.

“I can keep going, I’m fine,” I say in a meek voice as I get up on shaky legs with Chris supporting me. I don’t even recall falling down.

“He’s right, Mei. Let’s just go take it easy,” Chris says gently while placing a tender kiss on my temple.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb the session,” I say shamefully. I’ve never had an attack during training before.

“Everyone back to sparring!” Tyson orders everyone with his Gamma Spirit. Everyone quickly obeys as he moves closer to me. “You have done nothing wrong; you hear me? But you need to give yourself the time to calm yourself fully. Your attack came on so fast you just let Petra sucker punch you. You didn’t even seem to notice it,” he says with concern.

I vaguely remember a fist coming my way. I reach up touching my face, but I don’t feel any pain. If she hit me hard enough to hurt me then it already healed while I was busy panicking, so it doesn’t even matter.

I look around at all their concerned, compassionate faces. Never pity or looking down on me but looking at me like a family member they can’t stand to see in pain. I let out a sigh and realise I should take their advice. I’m no good training like this, and I do feel worn out from that attack, so it’s for the best.

“I’ll go inside. I apologise again for the disturbance,” I say glumly as I lower my head. No matter how strong I think I’m getting, I realise I’m still weak in so many other ways and I hate it. 

“You have nothing to apologise for, sweet girl. Hell, most of them probably thought this would mean they had an excuse to get out of training,” Marcus jokes. I give him a half-hearted smile.

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” I hear Eric say. I hadn’t noticed him come over either.

“ We will, thank you, but I think she just needs to be alone right now,” Chris tells them.

Chris starts guiding me back into the packhouse, his arm securely wrapped around me. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t ask me questions and I’m grateful for that. When I have a panic attack or feel anxiety coming on, being asked questions just seems to agitate me.

I feel like my brain was truly broken by that pack. They ruined me to the point that innocuous questions terrify me. It doesn’t make any sense.

Once we’re back in our suite, Chris sits me down on the couch and I hear him walk over to the kitchen. He comes back sitting next to me handing me a bottle of water.

“Thank you,” I say quietly as I take the bottle and sip from it.

“That one came on pretty quick,” he says as he gently plays with my ponytail. “Can I ask what brought this one on?”

“I was thinking about Setia and it just… spiralled out of control,” I say, hanging my head as tears swim in my eyes.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he coos pulling me into his arms, cocooning me in his warmth. “Mei, no one can have gone through what you did and be unaffected. It doesn’t make you weak or broken, it just means you now handle things differently than other people, and that’s okay. It has been a couple weeks since your last attack, don’t look at this as a setback, look at it as progress. Over time you’ll see the space between attacks getting bigger and bigger. I can’t promise they will never happen again, but I can promise you will get better at managing them and I can definitely promise I will always be there for you,” he says as he trails soft kisses along the side of my face. The gentle caress of his lips and the electricity they send through my skin helps me to relax.

“What if I never get better at managing it? What if I get worse?” I ask looking up at him, my eyes full of worry.

His expression turns sad, “You’re not going to get worse because I won’t let that happen. Do you trust me, Mei?” He asks as he presses his forehead against mine. I nod fervently because that’s one thing I will never doubt for as long as I live. There is no one on this earth who I trust more than Chris. “Then trust that I will help you get strong,” he says, his voice so full of confidence.

I smile reaching my hand up to caress his cheek, enjoying the way his beard tickles my palm. When I’m with him I feel like I can do anything. I can’t thank Zarseti enough for choosing him for me.

“I’ll always trust you,” I tell him confidently.

He beams at me, and I take the opportunity to place my lips on his. His hold on me tightens as his lips gently move against mine. His kisses are always so sweet and intimate; loving, and caring – just like him.

As our lips continue their rhythm I find the hem of his shirt and tug it up. His lips part from mine as he looks down at me cautiously, “Are you sure? We don’t have to do more than kissing,” he reassures me as he caresses my cheeks.

“I just want to feel and get lost in you. Please,” I softly plead.

Chris gives me a sweet smile and kisses my forehead, “If that’s what my love wants,” he says and quick as a flash he’s picking me up bridal style making me giggle. “That is truly the most beautiful sound in the whole world,” he gushes, and I can feel my cheeks turning red.

Chris carries me into our bedroom and gently lays me down on the bed; his eyes raking over me; his love and desire seeping through our bond. I’m full of so much adrenaline and it’s making me shaky, but I don’t want to go to the gym, I want to ease it by escaping into my happy place – my home.

I watch as Chris removes my shoes and socks placing tender kisses on the pads of each of my toes making me squirm. It tickles, but it also sends tingles all the way up to my core. As he tugs my leggings down he trails feather-light kisses down both my legs. The gentleness of his lips and the scratching of his beard makes my insides flutter and clench and my breathing pick up.

He slides his hands under my top, gliding his rough, warm hands against my cool skin as he pushes my top up. He pulls it off over my head and bends down placing more kisses around my stomach. It tickles and tingles making me want to flinch away from it but seek out more at the same time.

“Still so ticklish,” he murmurs against my skin.

“I can’t help it,” I say shyly.

“I’d hope not. I love you this way,” he says as he looks up at me with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes making me blush even harder. I’m sure I’m as red as a chilli. “So beautiful,” he breathes reverently.

I sit up taking my hair down and pulling off my sports bra and covering myself with my arms at lightning speed, too fast for even him to notice.

He chuckles and shakes his head. “Would you like me to close the curtains?” He asks as he tucks my hair behind my ear. I nod shyly.

I love being intimate with Chris, but I’m still not very confident in my body. Especially not after everything it has gone through the past fourteen years. I know it makes Chris sad to see me like that, but he respects my boundaries and never pushes me out of my comfort zone.

I know that even if we were in pitch-black darkness, he could still see me perfectly fine, and I can see him just fine too, but being blanketed in darkness just makes me feel more comfortable. Makes me feel like I’m hidden, even if I’m not, and he understands that. I love how well he knows me and how quick he is to see to my comfort. I couldn’t adore him more if I tried.

I watch as he gets up and closes the thick, blue curtains that cover the floor-to-ceiling windows, instantly cutting out any natural light. I can still see just fine as he walks back over to the bed, undressing as he goes.

He tugs off his shirt and I bite my lip and clench my thighs together as I watch the muscles of his body flex and ripple with every action under the tufts of hair on his chest. My cheeks burn hot as the sun as he pushes his shorts and briefs off; his erection springing free; the sight of it instantly exciting me.

I was so terrified the first time I saw it, but now I welcome it. Six and a half inches of tanned firmness and thick veins and it’s all mine. I’m the only one he has ever touched like this and he’s the only one who has ever touched me this way. We were made for each other.

As he kicks off his shoes and socks I crawl closer to him, reaching out and wrapping my hand around his length. He hisses at the contact and on reflex thrusts into my hand, the action making me wetter between my legs. I look up at the handsome, perfect man before me as I stroke his length. Every inch of him like he was perfectly carved from the most beautiful stone. He looks down at me, his eyes dark with desire, but still full of so much love.

He captures my face in his hands pressing his lips to mine and I moan into our kiss. His moans fill my mouth as I stroke and twist my hand around his length – I love how hard and smooth it feels in my palm. I feel powerful knowing how much pleasure I can bring him, knowing only I can touch him like this.

“Oh Gods, Mei,” he groans pressing his forehead against mine. I pick up the pace and watch his eyes shut tight as his breathing becomes laboured. “I’ll come if you don’t stop,” he pants, and a sly smile creeps across my face. He must have felt my intentions through our bond because his eyes snap open and narrow at me, making me bite my lip shyly.

“What?” I ask innocently.

He moves my hand and with one arm moves me back further onto the bed, pressing me into the mattress with his body weight.

“Sneaky little snake,” he teases, peppering kisses along my jawline and down my neck. My giggle turns into a moan with each kiss he plants on my skin. I run my hands up his back holding him close, relishing how warm and electrifying his skin feels against mine. His hands roam my body, up my thighs, over my hips and finally, they caress and massage my breasts. My back arches, pressing my breasts further into his palms. The pads of his thumbs brush over my pebbled nipples making my body shiver.

He moves one hand and wraps his hot mouth around my right nipple; I moan and writhe as I feel his warm, wet tongue flick and swirl around my nipple sending my mind into a haze of pleasure. He continues as his other hand releases my breast and glides down my body pulling off my panties. He nudges my legs apart with his knee and settles in between my legs.

My hands roam his muscular body; his candy scent invading my nose and mouth. I can taste his scent on my tongue, and it fills me with need. He bucks his hips rubbing his firm length against my wet lips and as soon as he brushes against my sensitive nub a squeak of pleasure leaves my mouth.

He trails kisses back up my body to my lips, capturing them in a needy kiss as he continues to rub his length against my core; my juices coating his member making me moan into his mouth as my body writhes with need and my hips rock seeking more stimulation.

His kisses turn hungrier as he slides inside me at a deliciously slow pace. I once again arch into him, a breathy moan filling the room as he sheathes himself completely inside me. This feeling – being completely connected to him in every way – is my solace. He’s my home, and I don’t ever want to be without him.

He coils one arm around me and places his other hand on my hip as he moves his firmness in and out of me. He’s slow and gentle but every stroke inside me sends waves of pleasure coursing through my body.

“Chris… oh, Chris… “ I sing out as my mind gets lost in the pleasure he’s giving me. I move my hips to meet his thrusts as he buries his head in my neck and begins sucking and kissing my mark. I cry out in pleasure and feel my walls clenching around him. How he makes me feel is beyond exquisite.

“You’re so perfect,” he breathes against my mark. “Nothing feels as good as you.” With a groan, he picks up the pace and I can feel that knot in my lower abdomen growing tighter and tighter. I trail my hands down his body and grab his firm ass urging him on. I want more. I want more of him.

His fingers dig into my hip as his tongue laps at my mark and his pace increases. My mind is almost going numb from pleasure; my moans echoing off the walls and bouncing back into my ears, but I don’t care.

He moves his hand from my hip and slides it under my knee bringing my knee up as he thrusts faster into me; his movements going a little harder hitting a spot inside me that has my eyes rolling back and my toes curling. My fingers dig into his ass cheeks, and I feel the knot building to a level I’m not sure I can take.

“That’s it, Mei, let go for me,” he says through gritted teeth, and with a couple more thrusts that’s what I do. I throw my head back and cry out in ecstasy; my walls clamping around his length as the knot inside me bursts and my orgasm sends shockwaves of pleasure through my body.

Chris’ pace becomes faster and uncontrolled as he rides out my release and quickly finds his own, “Mei! Oh Gods, Mei!” He grunts as he buries his length deep inside me, his release coating my walls and sending a shudder of pleasure through me. He wraps his arms around me, and I wrap my arms and legs around him and we stay like that panting, coated in sweat from our lovemaking.

“I love you more than anything in this world, Chris,” I whisper and kiss his shoulder feeling his shiver against me.

“I love you too, Mei. Eternity with you wouldn’t even be enough,” he says as he pulls back to look in my eyes. In this moment with him, everything feels right. I feel loved and protected and more grateful than words could ever describe.