It’d been a week since I left home. I knew I shouldn’t have left Adrianna. I should have told her something, anything, including letting her know it had nothing to do with finding out about the baby. I had so much shit making me feel as if I was going crazy running through my mind. I’d suppressed the memory of killing Pa, and I needed to get it all out. I needed to relive the nightmare of the night, to know step-by-step what happened, and to know I was the one who was capable of committing it. I’d suppressed my memory so much so, I’d gone on a wild goose chase. I’d let Juan think I’d gone completely insane by trying to find Pa’s killer, when all along it was me. Adrianna was in the library when I came home, all curled up on a chair reading, and I didn’t hesitate in telling her what was going on in my head. I knew there was no way I could ever forgive myself, but I had to know if she could do it, or rather if she would?“I’m a fucking monster,” I repeated, over and over again. Adrian
It’d been four months, two weeks and five days since I had last seen Ricardo. Luckily, with Jen’s wedding on the way, I didn’t have the time to think about the next steps. His house was on the market, his penthouse, and pretty much all his goods, with from the sale going to charity. The house was bought by some rich merchant bankers; the penthouse was taking a little while to shift. I must admit, it was taking a lot longer than I’d expected. I did keep an eye on it. Then again, I kept an eye on a lot of things ever since the day he left me in the library. Why didn’t he chase after me?“If you’re going to come and be part of my wedding with a long face, then you might as well go home. I don’t want miserable people at my wedding,” Jen said as she lifted her glass and had obviously drunk a little bit too much champagne. “I need to get you down the aisle or Ben will kill me.”She laughed. “I’ll kill you if you don’t smile.”Maybe I’d spent too much time, with Ricardo, but whenever some
I didn’t know if this was a good idea, I’d only given birth over a month ago and here I was traveling with a newborn and coming to see the one man I had planned to stay away from as far as possible. He was a monster, I kept telling myself, but then it was clear I was kidding myself.I loved him. Even more when I saw our son’s hazel eyes and knew he was a replica of his father. The man I loved and pushed away. I had to, not only for his sanity, but mine too. I heard the engine outside and I knew it was him, the man I’d been trying to avoid, but couldn’t stay away from. I held our baby close to me, as the door swung open. His landlady said he’d been here for four months. She wanted us to wait in her cabin, but I told her Lucas wouldn’t mind us waiting in his, she assumed it was a surprise and smiled as I told her the assumption was correct. Maybe this was a mistake. The car pulled up outside, but Ricardo hadn’t entered the cabin. Maybe, he’d run, scared about coming inside. I looked
I didn’t know how long she’d driven or if she was still lived in Chicago. I should have asked her something. Anything, but I couldn’t take my eyes of this beautiful creature in front of me, our son. He was so innocent, and as I drew closer, I could smell him. The smell of a newborn was supposed to be a touch of heaven. I hated the idea of admitting that until now, I hadn’t been near a newborn child. No one had ever asked if I wanted to hold one, and quite frankly until now I’d never had the urge to do it. Adrianna looked good, fantastic, considering she’d had a baby; I could see motherhood had made a change in her. The fact she’d come here, the clothes she was wearing, a white and brown matching Gucci suit, could have been brand new. Either way, she looked good, with new short boob hair. I loved her hair, but she’d cut it. Her choice and it made her look older, but then it could have been the time we’d spent apart and the fact she was now a mother.“You can hold him if you like?” Sh
AdriannaWe have been living as a family in Alaska since the day I came to the cabin. I couldn’t deny this was my reason for coming here, to be with the man I loved, the father of my child. The man was a monster, but now had provided us with a loving home in the woods. We built a house from scratch. Who would have thought this small town girl, turned city girl would love living in the wilderness. It was as if I’d found my inner peace by living here. Ricardo cut contact with Juan while wishing him well. It was time to say goodbye to his old life and focus on his new one. I did take a little money out of the pot, not only to build the house but to work on my online business. I promised one day I would give it all to charity, in the meantime, while my PA business takes off, I’m still trying to get it off the ground, but it’s a little difficult with one kid and another on its way. “You shouldn’t be lifting,” Ricardo said as I brought in some logs from outside and attempted to build a f
I was at home, winding down in the library when my cell rang; I didn’t need to look at the name to know who was calling me this time of night. “Hijo,” Dad slurred as I picked up the phone.“Pa. You should be sleeping.”He chuckled, the same way he did whenever I told him to rest. “So should you. It’s past one. Anyway, I am in bed. I just wanted to remind you about tomorrow. The meeting.”I dipped my head. “Sure, no worries. Hasta mañana."“Buenas Noches.” Those were his last words before hanging up the phone. I looked at my Rolex and realized he was right; it was late, and not only should he be in bed, but so should I. Friday night, we had the same conversation for our meeting on Saturdays. We would have breakfast together in his sun lounge or sometimes in the garden, depending on the weather. The topics were always the same:How much money was owed to us?Who needed to be put in line?What was working well? In our business, this was a rarity. We tended to brush over anyone who fe
In the room at one of our hideouts, I sat alone, consumed with grief and anger. We didn’t have many across the city, and we preferred them to be out of sight, but in Chicago, it was pretty hard to have hideouts in a city full of apartment blocks. So, we used one of the businesses we owned for cleaning money. The typical crap every mob king had, from restaurants to men’s clothing stores. A casino could have been added to the list, but then the damn feds would be on it like leeches. We preferred restaurants because there was nothing more satisfying than beating the crap out of someone and then having a good meal afterward. As much as I tried to erase the picture which kept flashing in my mind, I couldn’t even if a whole week had passed by, it still felt like yesterday. No amount of food, time, or drink could ever get rid of it. I stood as if a shot of lightning was being directed at the chair. I recalled Pa’s lifeless body lying in his bed. The man I loved more than myself was dead, an
At my desk, uncomfortable as always, I tried to maneuver and find a way for my pencil skirt not to cling to every part of my body so I could respire properly. I was fine standing up, but I felt as if someone had a tight rope across my stomach the moment I sat down. I decided to look around to make sure no one was watching, so I could undo my button at the back and breathe without feeling as if I was suffocating. I sighed as my zipper naturally opened as I sat up a bit, and my stomach hung over my skirt.I closed my eyes, wondering why I kept punishing myself like this. I hadn’t put on a little weight, but a lot of weight, and the refusal to buy new clothes wasn’t an option anymore. This was the only skirt I could fit in this morning; as for the shirt, luckily it didn’t have buttons and stretched over my breasts. As for the matching suit-jacket, it couldn’t close. I didn’t need to close it anyway; I could walk around the office with it open, unlike my winter jacket, which I would wear
AdriannaWe have been living as a family in Alaska since the day I came to the cabin. I couldn’t deny this was my reason for coming here, to be with the man I loved, the father of my child. The man was a monster, but now had provided us with a loving home in the woods. We built a house from scratch. Who would have thought this small town girl, turned city girl would love living in the wilderness. It was as if I’d found my inner peace by living here. Ricardo cut contact with Juan while wishing him well. It was time to say goodbye to his old life and focus on his new one. I did take a little money out of the pot, not only to build the house but to work on my online business. I promised one day I would give it all to charity, in the meantime, while my PA business takes off, I’m still trying to get it off the ground, but it’s a little difficult with one kid and another on its way. “You shouldn’t be lifting,” Ricardo said as I brought in some logs from outside and attempted to build a f
I didn’t know how long she’d driven or if she was still lived in Chicago. I should have asked her something. Anything, but I couldn’t take my eyes of this beautiful creature in front of me, our son. He was so innocent, and as I drew closer, I could smell him. The smell of a newborn was supposed to be a touch of heaven. I hated the idea of admitting that until now, I hadn’t been near a newborn child. No one had ever asked if I wanted to hold one, and quite frankly until now I’d never had the urge to do it. Adrianna looked good, fantastic, considering she’d had a baby; I could see motherhood had made a change in her. The fact she’d come here, the clothes she was wearing, a white and brown matching Gucci suit, could have been brand new. Either way, she looked good, with new short boob hair. I loved her hair, but she’d cut it. Her choice and it made her look older, but then it could have been the time we’d spent apart and the fact she was now a mother.“You can hold him if you like?” Sh
I didn’t know if this was a good idea, I’d only given birth over a month ago and here I was traveling with a newborn and coming to see the one man I had planned to stay away from as far as possible. He was a monster, I kept telling myself, but then it was clear I was kidding myself.I loved him. Even more when I saw our son’s hazel eyes and knew he was a replica of his father. The man I loved and pushed away. I had to, not only for his sanity, but mine too. I heard the engine outside and I knew it was him, the man I’d been trying to avoid, but couldn’t stay away from. I held our baby close to me, as the door swung open. His landlady said he’d been here for four months. She wanted us to wait in her cabin, but I told her Lucas wouldn’t mind us waiting in his, she assumed it was a surprise and smiled as I told her the assumption was correct. Maybe this was a mistake. The car pulled up outside, but Ricardo hadn’t entered the cabin. Maybe, he’d run, scared about coming inside. I looked
It’d been four months, two weeks and five days since I had last seen Ricardo. Luckily, with Jen’s wedding on the way, I didn’t have the time to think about the next steps. His house was on the market, his penthouse, and pretty much all his goods, with from the sale going to charity. The house was bought by some rich merchant bankers; the penthouse was taking a little while to shift. I must admit, it was taking a lot longer than I’d expected. I did keep an eye on it. Then again, I kept an eye on a lot of things ever since the day he left me in the library. Why didn’t he chase after me?“If you’re going to come and be part of my wedding with a long face, then you might as well go home. I don’t want miserable people at my wedding,” Jen said as she lifted her glass and had obviously drunk a little bit too much champagne. “I need to get you down the aisle or Ben will kill me.”She laughed. “I’ll kill you if you don’t smile.”Maybe I’d spent too much time, with Ricardo, but whenever some
It’d been a week since I left home. I knew I shouldn’t have left Adrianna. I should have told her something, anything, including letting her know it had nothing to do with finding out about the baby. I had so much shit making me feel as if I was going crazy running through my mind. I’d suppressed the memory of killing Pa, and I needed to get it all out. I needed to relive the nightmare of the night, to know step-by-step what happened, and to know I was the one who was capable of committing it. I’d suppressed my memory so much so, I’d gone on a wild goose chase. I’d let Juan think I’d gone completely insane by trying to find Pa’s killer, when all along it was me. Adrianna was in the library when I came home, all curled up on a chair reading, and I didn’t hesitate in telling her what was going on in my head. I knew there was no way I could ever forgive myself, but I had to know if she could do it, or rather if she would?“I’m a fucking monster,” I repeated, over and over again. Adrian
He left me standing there like a jilted bride after I told him I was expecting his child. To make matters worse, I haven’t seen him in three days. Three long days he disappeared, and he’d left his phone on the floor. It was as if he didn’t want to be found, and I didn’t know enough about Ricardo to know where he might have gone.Jen had been texting to say she wanted to know what happened when I told Ricardo about our baby, and I lied to her again. Again. I said I hadn’t told him yet. I decided the only way to figure out what happened was to have Juan and Diego over. Ricardo could be gone for good, or maybe injured somewhere. I figured I’d call them over, have them in the living room, on the sofa and just get to the point.“Can someone please tell me what happened to Ricardo three days ago?”Both Juan and Diego looked at each other. They didn’t say a word. I knew they were hiding something, but the question was, what was it?“Joder! Tell me, what was so bad Ricardo missed the rest of
I didn’t know what to do with myself, it was one of those days when I felt nervous about everything. I was late. Not one or two days late, but nearly two weeks. I needed to get to the pharmacy to take a test. The funeral was tomorrow and I couldn’t do it then, but then I felt guilty about leaving Ricardo. He would want to know where I was going, so the best thing I could do was make up some emergency and tell him I was going to visit Jen. I was on my way to see her, but not to do whatever lie I would make-up in the meantime. “You didn’t sleep all night, you kept tossing and turning,” Ricardo said as I slipped out of bed. I thought he was sleeping.“I’m anxious about tomorrow. I’ve only been to one funeral in my life, my mom’s. I suppose I was feeling your sadness and memories of that day flashed through my mind.”He sighed. “Sorry, you don’t have to come.”I kissed him on the lips, and then stroked his face. I didn’t want him to blame himself for my restless sleep. It was my stupidi
I was drunk, tired and passed out on the sofa by the time I looked up and realized it was daytime. Fuck, how long had I been like this? I looked at my phone only to notice a whole day had passed. I couldn’t believe a day had passed and I’d done nothing.I got up and headed to my room. I hadn’t done something like this in a few weeks, I’d stopped the moment I got up close and personal with Adrianna. As I walked up the stairs, waited at the top. “Buenas, como está tu marido?” “Bien señora, Adrianna is in the garden.”I could tell by the disappointed look on her face she’d caught me in the library one too many times. She probably thought I was up to no good, once again. “I cleaned the glass in the library,” she said as she passed me walking down the stairs. I stopped and then I continued walking, feeling embarrassed not only had she seen me in such a state, but she’d seen the results too many times, I was hoping to be better. How the fuck could she respect me, when I was struggling to
I tried to catch-up with Juan, but he was out of the door, by the time I got there. All I saw were Diego’s jeep wheels speeding away, as I watched the back of his car. Ferd, Ricardo’s other driver, was an ex-SEAL and in his mid-fifties. He was a loyal driver among other things, or so Ricardo told me. He was waiting for me outside and stood patiently as I watched Diego’s car, wondering whether to tell him to follow Diego or to go and meet Jen. I decided as much as I was caught up in this whole gangster life, I was kidding myself. I didn’t know how these things worked, aside from this whole loyalty thing all of them working together and acting like one big family. I was an outsider. They wouldn’t tell me what was really going on. In time they would; patience was a virtue and I had to exercise it. It felt like forever since I had sat down with Jen and we chilled, and besides when you’re with one of the big men in town, getting a seat at Prime and Provisions was a lot easier than I ever