CONDITIONS

I once had a companion, oh no, not that close but an online friend who told me to stop butting in my nose to someone else's life. To not cross the line. Unless you're ready to take responsibility. 

I never once assess things as it is and I never once weigh crossing the lines could be this heavy.

And who would know, just a day right after the firing event, this dreaded assessment would happen?

He's sick and he does not ping his family about it. He is keeping it to himself, alone, suffering. I know, I must respect where he is coming but I just had to act unless I want to repeat such a painful past.

I looked up his family members on F******k and miraculously I found it. I found her older sister on F*.

I immediately sent her a message regarding Awe's sickness. 

His sister immediately replied and assures me that they will give Awe with full care and assistance he needed.

Hence, later at night, Awe told me he resents me for disclosing such information to his family. Their house is in chaos and he is blamed. He said he has too much to bear, how come I added to it. He is now blaming himself for telling me, and that he trusted me.

I, I don't know how to reply. At that moment I began looking back and weighing things I have impulsively do. Is it true that I have hurt them? For all my mind is programmed to do something when conflicts arise. I do that because I, I did genuinely cared for them. 

Days had passed and that keep bugging the hell out of me. I was constantly in the bad mood. I guess I had developed anger management issues? I don't have enough courage to talk about it with Peas and Rom, and that brings me to take it out against my parents. 

Little things they do annoys me. 

Little stupidity they had done to the family had me always receive profanity and insult from them. 

"Dapat di na lang kita binuhay!" said by my angry mom.

I hope so too. Because since childhood, you never had treated me like one. I have always been the one who is insisting my existence on you mom. I had always to put act to get your attention.  

I always keep my voice high in this house, yet, nobody seems to hear me. Nobody wants to. 

I was once done leaving this hell hole, yet nobody even cared if I was gone. If I go too far away places, they are okay with it. No further questions, unlike my other siblings. That she expresses her fear if something happens to them. Unlike me. 

I KEEP INSISTING I AM ALSO THEIR CHILD TO BE CHERISHED WITH. 

Days gone pass. Kung hindi man masasakit na salita  ang natatanggap ko sa kanila, panay sampal naman. Akala ko namanhid na ako. I wish I really feel numb for real, but no. I feel every single pain because I love them.

++

Weekdays come and go and the time has been nearing for our final examination in school. 

Filipino subject had assigned us to make a baby thesis. I had poured all my attention into all the workloads. And I had this block mate who's clearly sipping the best out of me. At first, I kind of liked it because I feel like I am needed. They always welcomed me in the classroom to get a peek at my assignment. I didn't care as long as I get credited. Not until it becomes their habit. Every single thing in school they had always expectations of me. 

I am drained. 

I am emptied.

And so I called Peas that afternoon. The moment I see her cute remarks my tears began falling. I missed her. I missed her company. She has been busy too and I don't really want to add up to her burdens, but today is different. Di ko na kaya.

"Jel." Her sounds soothe me and that signalled me to cry more

I liked how she handles me. She just listened to all of my whims. 

"Peas I've been used. I like it at first since I like being needed but I am not happy anymore. It drains me, they abuse me, I  had nowhere to run. What am I gonna do?" I cried my heart out even if other students had free access to what are we conversing about. I don't have any shame now, I just needed to let it out. 

I am hurt. I can no longer prolong time to avoid what I've been feeling. 

When I calmed down a bit it's nearing dark already. She then encouraged me to change our place and that we decided to head towards the school's quadrangle. The nighttime breeze envelopes us. With heavy eyes from all the crying, I finally feel calm, inside. It amazingly loses some of its weight.

We talked about life. And she had this radio episode with her, that at some point, she remembers me. We shared earphones and listened to the episode together. I cried and comforted that somehow I am not alone battling this kind of dilemma in life. Best karmas to us then!

With this mood, I sought courage asking Peas about the root of why am I on this kind of messy situation.

"Peas, have you ever butted in your nose to someone else's life?" I asked half nervous maybe I am off the whole time. That no one understands my impulsiveness, that maybe I am just too much for everyone. 

"mm how deep then?" she inquired more.

"That deep when you reach into his or her own personal affairs; like family," I added.

"I don't know, I can't think of any really.." my hopes are draining again. I get it. I am too much.

"...But if it's for their own good? why not?"

I am speechless.

"You know jel.  A friend is there for a purpose. And that is to guide one another when the other is too overwhelmed by whatever stimulus in their lives. It's your duty even if they loathe you for that. What's more important is that you do that decision because you're genuine about it. That is all that matters. Even if they don't understand it. In time they will and we'll just hope it's not too late for them."

I cried again.

Darn, this lady. 

++

We had our few snacks with us. Ang plano alas nuebe kami ng gabi uuwi. Magpapasundo sya sa papa nya. It's totally fine with me since I needed more time to sort things out in my head. 

Peas now were talking about all of her crushes including our core commander in ROTC, Sir Asterio.

I remember how she purposely captures sir Asterio during his lecture. This Peas has so many tricks on her sleeves. I wouldn't be shocked if sir Asterio would fall for her if he just pauses and knows more about this lady beside me.

"Jel, alam mo ba? sinabi ko kay mama na may crush ako tapos core commander natin sa rotc, sabi nya kaya ko daw ba? HAHAHHAHA nagulat ako non akala ko ano na sinasabi ni mama. Pero napaisip din ako, papasok sya PMA, ipupursue nya dream nya. Tapos ako maiiwan dito mag-isa, siguro palagi akong mag-iisip, mapaparanoid para sa safety ni Sir Asterio. Alam mo naman na may issue na naman PMA ngayon, may namatay na kadete dahil sa hazing." lintanya nya habang may malungkot na mukha.

Kung sabagay nga naman. Iba na ang panahon ngayon. Marami ng tumataliwas sa pinangakuan nilang responsibilidad sa bansa. At kung nabuko'y naghuhugas kamay bigla.

I also somehow wonder how to get freed from all the shackles does our fruition brings. The confusing condition to get that dream or to get that love you never know existed?

++