Chapter 15

Playlist ~ Mandy Moore - Only Hope

Micaela's POV

At last I'm going to do what I've been shying away from for so long. Call me a fool for wanting to take my own life but I have my reasons for doing it. How would you have lived happily with yourself without guilt for years after ruining someone else's life? Now, many of you with conscience will understand what I'm talking about, while some of you might do all you can to get over it and live like nothing ever happened. But I Micaela Alvarado isn't such a person that could easily forget her past and move on especially when what I did was at the expense of someone's happiness.

Every day of my life I prayed for God to help me get over it and let go of the past but there was a constant message God keep sending to me which I kept ignoring. I needed to do the right thing which was to apologize to that innocent person I'd hurt so much in the past, but I've been so scared to face reality. I thought writing a book about it would free me from the guilt, rather it made me feel worst just by reading the comments from my readers. It was like everyone wanted me to confess the truth to the victim and get forgiveness in that book, how I wish they knew this was happening to me in reality.

If only my parents were alive, they would have protected me from my aunt and her family and also maybe I might never would have been a victim of a bully in high school. It was as a result of being bullied that I was forced that unfaithful night. I use to be an innocent young girl until that innocence was stolen from me. More tears slipped from my eyes as I flashback to that day.

*Flashback*

"Hey doll face" Claudia the second richest kid after Raphael Gonzalez in my high school chirped behind me while I was coming out of the washroom. I just finished washing sweat off my face after my P.H.E class that daughters of Jezebel choose to appear before me. Our teacher Miss Mariano just made 15 of us run 4 laps round the school field like we were going for a competition the next day. I felt so exhausted after the exercise and just wanted to go sit somewhere and catch my breath when I came across queen B like I'm fond of calling her in my head. I dare not call her that in reality though. What does she want from me? I'm not her class so is awkward to see her here trying to have a conversation with me. 

"C'mon, Micaela, I don't bite, relax" she giggles in an annoying way that I almost wanted to grab her hair and drag it and then smash her head on the wall. I dare not do that if I really want to pass out of this school without being expel, besides that, I forgot she was not alone, she was with her three female friends who had automatically turned themselves to be her bodyguards.

"What do you want this time around?" I asked in a bored tone.

"I'm here to invite you to a big party hosted by Raphael and I. Actually, we have a very important celebrant we'll be hosting, is someone you're so fond of" she giggles and her girls joins her.

"What are you talking about?" I asked confusedly.

"Your boyfriend's birthday is today, don't tell me you don't know the birth date of the guy you're so crushing on. What kind of girl are you?" one of the girls asks and they erupted into an annoying laughter.

Boyfriend? Crush? I tried to gather the little pieces of puzzle and then it hits me. Fernando! She's talking about Fernando! They knew I was secretly crushing on him? How did they come to find out? Of all the guys in school, I only took interest in Fernando even though I knew I can never be noticed nor be liked by him. It's something I've kept a secret since when I was transferred to this school which was quite a long time like 3years now, how do they come to know of it now that we're almost done with high school?

"Hahaha! She's surprise we found out her little secret" Claudia makes fun of me and they burst into a fist of laughter. 

I felt so bad and wished for the floor to open and swallow me up, this was really embarrassing. If Fernando should know, he's going to hate me, or even the whole school would get to know of it as far as Claudia is concern. I became alarmed and stepped forward in front of her. "Please don't tell anyone about it" I begged and the four of them began laughing again. God why me again? I've gone through a lot of humiliation already, please I don't want more humiliation. I was almost at the brim of tears, sweat has covered my forehead and my palms were sweaty.

"I love this face of yours right now, it suits you more" she laughs and her crew joined her. "I have an offer to make to you, if you accept it then I won't have to tell on you" she continues and I stared at her with wide eyes.

I held her hand with hope in my eyes. "Please tell me, I can do anything as far as you keep my secret safe with you" I pleaded and she flinches from me and smirks.

"You're invited to the party, when you come, I'll tell you what you're to do to keep your secret safe with me" she said and started walking away with two of her girls while one stayed behind. 

Party? I don't go to parties, even if I wish to go, how do I escape my aunt's wrath? She'll strangle me for sure if I dare leave the house for any reason.

"She's not begging you to come, the decision is yours. Your reputation is at stake, if you don't want to get the worst humiliation in your life then do as she says. Here's the address, make sure you dress up well" Claudia's girl handed a piece of notepad to me and I reluctantly collected it and she eyed me wearily before exiting the washroom leaving me all alone.

I stared at the address for a very long time and tears spilled out of my eyes. Where did I really go wrong in this life? Are all the bullies I've been getting not enough for them? Why come with another trouble? How do I even know what her intentions are over what she might ask of me in the party? How do I even sneak out of the house and get to the party? This was too much for just one person which is me to bear all alone. I rested my back on the wall and think of how to get myself out of this huge mess.

The rest of the day went by so fast and I was able to sneak out of the house at around 8pm without anyone noticing. I was dressed in a blue knee-length gown and my white jacket, it was the only nice dress I have in my closet. I had only three pairs of shoes, two were sneakers while one was a cover-toe low shoe, so I wore the cover-toe low shoe to match up with my dress. I'd packed my hair into ponytail and I applied lip-gloss to my lips. I guess I look more presentable with the way I was looking. When I got to the club, I pushed pass horny teenagers who were in a drunken state and doing some dirty things and I searched for Claudia which was the reason I was here and I finally found her in the bar section.

"Hey, you're looking good" she commended grinning.

"Thank you" I said not returning her smiles.

"You should cheer up, this is a party not a funeral" she blurted and I faked a smile. What's the point really to smile? I thought inwardly. "Do you want some?" she extended the glass of wine to me and I shook my head.

"Thanks, but I'm not interested. Please tell me why I'm here, I don't really have much time to waste" I said glancing around. It's the truth though, I really want to get back home before my aunt notices my absence.

"Don't rush me doll face, if you don't want to save face then you can leave" she said in an aggressive tone and took a long sip of her wine.

"I'm sorry. Please let's just get to it already" I replied calmly.

"Fine. Come with me" she ordered and led the way upstairs to a room. When we got to the room it was so dark. She turns on the light and said, "Sit on the bed, I'll tell you what to do when I'm back here". 

I nodded begrudgingly and she turns off the light and exited the room and locked the door. What is going on? What is she trying to do with me? Is she getting someone that will rape me? I screech at the thought and chills ran down my spine. God-forbid such thing to happen to me. I sat there in the dark wondering what is going to happen next. Couple of minutes later, the door swung open and Claudia walked in and switch on the light.

This time around she wasn't alone, she held the door open and two guys which were from our school, Raphael's friends to be more precise walked in carrying a guy in their hands and they laid him on the bed. While two girls I haven't seen their faces before also walked in. They were dressed like whores and were looking quite older than I was. What is going on here? When my gaze fell on the guy's face that was sleeping on the bed, I squealed and stood up from the bed.

"What happened to him?" I asked shakily staring at Fernando's body.

"Chill, he's fine, he just passed out nothing much" one of the guys chuckles.

"She cares deeply for him that's why. Well, he's all yours for the night. Guys please excuse us and tell Raphael I'll see him in a bit" Claudia said smiling. 

"What are you saying? What do you mean he's all mine for tonight?" I asked confusedly.

"You see, I don't like talking much, I'll just say this once, so listen good. If you want me to really not expose your little secret, then you've got to have sex with Fernando while he's asleep. It's a simple and easy task, in fact these ladies are here to educate you just in case you're clueless on how to go about it" she said as a matter of fact and I gasps a thousand and one times in a second.

"No, you're joking right? Tell me you're just messing with my head, Claudia?" I ask my voice almost failing me.

"No, sweetheart. I'm so serious, I don't have time to play tricks on you. Is either you're in or you're out, the choice is all yours" she flashed me a devilish smile and my heart throbs faster.

 Are you sure my heart was still in there or it has jumped out of my chest? I stared at her petrified of the devil she has become. "How could you be so mean and heartless? Fernando is innocent, you can't take away his pride and also take mine. Please, let him go and give me someone else to do these obscene things with, please" I begged in tears.

"We've made up our minds, dear. So, stop delaying yourself and start having fun. Ladies?" She snaps her fingers at both girls and they gazed up at her. "Show her how's it's done" she orders and I rushed up to her.

"Please don't do this, please, I'll do anything you want but not this" I begged kneeling down in front of her while the ladies walk over to Fernando. More sobs escaped from my mouth. "Please tell them to stop" I cried out. I can't lose my virginity tonight.

"I'm sorry I can't. This is not only my doing, Raphael is the boss. I can't talk him out of it and moreover, I want to watch something fun tonight. C'mon, go ahead and watch how it's done" she gestured me to the ladies who had already stripped Fernando off left with just his boxers. One was kissing and licking his face while the second lady was licking his stomach down to his legs. I crawled to them and tried pushing them away. "Please stop it" I cried out but they pushed me away.

"I don't want this anymore, even if it means me telling him the truth about how I feel I'll tell him, so please stop them" I begged Claudia.

"Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Too late baby doll. You tell him yourself or not, you've got to eat the food right in front of you if not you're going nowhere" she replied humorously.

"No!" I cried out in disbelief. I shouldn't have come here in the first place. Fernando shouldn't have been here. What did I get myself into? I don't have much time anymore to spend out here. So many things to worry about right now but being thrown out of the house is the worst thing that could ever happen to me and I know my aunt is capable of doing that.

With sadness, shattered heart, betrayed soul, frustration, trapped in the devil's den, I did what they all wanted me to do. I defiled the guy I adored and loved so much.

*Flashback over*

My sobs became uncontrollable after the unforgettable flashback. If you were the one how would you have lived with such dent for the rest of your life especially when your life was threatened by two wealthiest young adults in the city of Mexico? Seeing Fernando again brought back memories of the past. I never thought him and I will cross paths again after thirteen years of our lives, but we did yesterday and the events that happened between us this last 24hours is a sign that we shouldn't have crossed paths again. I guess he knew this as well that we're not meant to cross paths that's why he left without telling me, I should have just let him leave without going to find him at the airport. But I did because I was desperate to see him for the last time at least before I leave this planet. I wanted to confess to him too, but what does confessing the truth now changes? Only pains and heartbreaks could be the result, I guess. The painful truth is I can't live with this weight of guilt anymore, the more I see Fernando without a woman in his life the more I feel so guilty and responsible for his decision to remain a bachelor for the rest of his life. I can't even move on with my own life too, I've been rejecting suitors because I don't know how I'll be happy building my own family when Fernando can never build his. Is better for me to just dive into this river staring at me right now and disappear from the surface of the Earth, maybe that is where I'll find my peace. 

I glanced around and I noticed no one was watching, is a good thing the river park was lonely this evening. Speaking about evening, I didn't realize the day was already dark until now, I guess tonight is that night for me. Yes, tonight is that night where everyone will forget my existence. Tonight, is that night I'll find my peace. I deep my foot into the water and slowly I was making a journey of no return.