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SEBASTIAN

"Sebastian, you can't keep living your life like this, in tatters, dishonoring Sasha's memory. She would not want you to live like this, son. Round-the-clock intoxication, having countless women in the same bed you previously shared with her, none of it. Neither does your pack. And frankly, nor do I. Something needs to change... or else." My mother and Ambersky pack's former Luna stated with disgust.

"So, mother, what would you have me do? Would you rather I pretend it never happened? Continue to exist in the absence of her? Is that what you want me to do? Or would you rather that I choose a replacement for her?" I peered at her, observing the same shattered reflection I saw every time I looked in the mirror. She, too, had lost her mate, my father, former Alpha Dimitri Maddox.

"That is not what we want for you, son. Yes, we want you to be happy, but this is not happiness," she retorted, taking a few steps toward me. "It hurts. I understand the agony you are in, and if I could take it away, trust me, I would."

"We do not always get what we want, do we?" I sidestepped her and went around to my desk, taking a seat. Instinctively, my eyes snapped to the framed photo of Sasha on my desk. 

The beauty in her bedazzled ocean blue eyes and her smile always took my breath away. Now, all I felt was emptiness. I slammed the photo facing downward; when that was not enough, I locked it away in the top drawer of my desk.

"Please, Sebastian, think about what I said," my mother begged, expelling a painful breath.

"I've got work to do, mother."

"I understand, but could you please—"

"Please, Mother! Sasha is gone. She died; I could not protect her, and I would never subject another person to the same fate solely because the pack requires a Luna. No, I would not. So, you and the Elders could drop the matter and never bring it up again."

"Okay," she whispered. 

I hated yelling at my mother or any woman at that, but I needed to get my point across. They needed to abandon the subject—permanently. For the sake of it, that was the only way I saw how.

For twenty-five years, my mother reigned with my late father, leading us to several victories over rogues and other alphas vying for our territory. They had done something I had not: they had kept us all safe.

If only he would have protected himself. Only then would my father have told me where I went wrong. My father often said, 'A leader knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way.' It was a quotation from one of his favorite leaders, John C. Maxwell. That quote alone proved I was not a vigorous leader.

After his untimely death, I ascended to the position of Alpha. A post in which I acknowledged I was not ready to take the reins. He was a magnificent Alpha, and there was no way I could ever fill his shoes.

My parents taught me well. While my mother taught me how to be a better mate, my father educated me on becoming a better man and Alpha. They both taught me strength, to fight when necessary, and to stand up for what I believed. Yet, none of their teachings could have prepared me for losing my mate.

***

I kept my head low. Hopefully, my mother would take the hint and leave. Over the years, her guidance kept me strong, but now it broke my heart to say I did not need it, especially if it meant loving another. 

After a long time, the door eventually closed with a faint thud, and I raised my head to discover the space where my mother formerly stood, empty. I figured once she departed, I could breathe normally again. Instead, my chest constricted, my claws drove into my flesh, and Atticus, my wolf, was on the verge of breaking free from my restraint.

“Let me out, Sebastian!” He scratched at the back of my mind, growling. Atticus was persistent, specifically when my rage was bubbling over and ready to burn everything in its path, and this time was no exception.

“Give me a minute.”

That did not help calm him any. It was not easy losing my mate, and I knew Atticus was going through the same thing. 

I finally made my way downstairs and into the kitchen, a state-of-the-art marvel with all stainless-steel equipment and gorgeous hardwood floors. 

Of all the rooms in the packhouse, the kitchen was her favorite. She would spend hours here with the chef, cooking up a storm for the packhouse. She always said it was a way to do something for the pack. 

The Ambersky pack viewed Sasha as much more than a pretty face, not only as my mate or their Luna. Sasha treated everyone as though they were family. She would provide marital advice to any couple that needed it, she would spend weekends with the children, read to them, and sometimes she arranged a pack birthday party for the kids whose parents could not afford one. 

In my eyes, she was special... one of a kind. I took another look around the room, hoping to find her still cooking and stirring behind the stove. Smiling as she always did with flour patches on her cheeks and forehead. In its place, all I found was an empty room and my heart broke all over again.

“That is not how it works,” Atticus stated emphatically.

“I just—” I paused. My words drifted off with a sigh of melancholy. Rather than delay any longer, I sprang forward from the rear door that went directly to the forest, transforming mid-leap so that when I landed, it was my wolf's paws that touched the woodland floor.

 I gave Atticus complete control, and he bolted into the woods without warning. Pushing himself even harder, as though pursued by an assailant. He sped through the trees, using his Alpha speed and agility to the fullest. After some time, my wolf halted. He had gotten far enough away from the pack. No one would come upon us. No other wolf scents or sounds surrounded us, but our own.

Sitting back on his hind, he raised his head high and roared to the sky, driving all the birds away from their resting places. Wreaking havoc in the woods. Heartbroken at his mate's death, he let out another bone-chilling howl. He sank to the floor, relinquishing control.

"Why?" I hollered, fists clenched in the mud, tears streaming down my face, and my heart racing without measure. "How could you take her from me?" Another blood-curdling howl escaped my lips and rang out across the vast forest.

The anguish of losing Sasha was excruciating, like someone had ripped my heart from my chest, trampled on it, and then burned it to a crisp. "She was all I had," I cried, "she was all I had, and you ripped her away from me," I raged, my heart hammering. The fight in me was diminishing. 

For the longest time, all I had was my anger at whoever killed my mate. I still wanted their head on a pike. Except now, the numbness had taken over my entire being. All the tears I cried pooled on the ground in front of me, soaking up the earth. 

Had I not been so preoccupied, emotionally, I would have missed it. A soft chuckle broke through the silence at first. A familiar laugh, followed by a transparent vision of a lady chased out into the clearing. She laughed even louder, searching behind her for her pursuer. "Catch me if you can," she said between giggles. A half-naked man sprinted by me, chasing after her, his enjoyment trailing behind him. Their excitement and laughter were contagious, and I laughed along with them. Although he was closing in on her, she did not give up.

"Come on, slowpoke!" Her beautiful, sun-kissed hair blew in the wind behind her as she sped up. Right then, the man I identified as myself grabbed her up and spun her around. 

I stumbled along the path they took in a matter of minutes, recalling all that had transpired that day. It was Sasha's last birthday, and she had persuaded me to take her out for a run. Of course, it took some convincing, which, honestly, I relished. Her submission was always my entertainment, especially when I had her under my thumb, withholding her climax.

Before that day, I had been working so hard that I scarcely had time for her. Or even us. Still, I pushed everything else aside, handed over control of the pack to Rory, my Beta, and took her to our favorite spot. Soon, the pursuit of her led us toward this meadow, where we spent some time rolling around in the daisies. She had gotten away a few times, forcing me to follow her. And each time I caught her, she rewarded me with a kiss.

Her laughter reverberated in the air, filling my lungs with a happiness I had long forgotten. When I eventually caught her, she relinquished all resistance, and we settled on the grass with her laying in my arms, her head gently resting on my chest. The weather was glorious, and the day was perfect. Despite everything before that moment, I had forgotten about this day and how much fun we had.

Sasha turned to me before we left the meadow and said, "Sebastian, I love you, and no other man in this entire world could ever love me as you do." The genuineness in her eyes made me fall in love with her, just like the first time. "Thank you for this wonderful day, which I will remember for the rest of my life."

I dropped onto my knees, wailing in agony, tears streamed down my cheeks, blurring my vision. 

“Sebastian,” a stern yet pained voice said, silencing the chirping of the birds. “Sebastian, my love.”

I peered up from the ground, watching the translucent figure of my mate standing before me. Relief brought a smile to her lips as our eyes met that day. “Sasha? Is that you?” I whispered; my voice was hoarse from screaming. “Is it really you?”

My mate bent to my eye level and curled a finger under my chin. “My sweet, sweet Alpha,” she cooed. “What are you doing to yourself, my love?” I hung my head, too ashamed to meet her gaze. “I failed you, angel.” My body shook as I cried, "I failed our pup!" She lifted my head, caressing my cheek. “It was not your fault, Sebastian.”

"Sasha, you are dead because of me."

"No, Sebastian, I am not. Even if you were there, you could not have saved me or prevented my death."

"I should have stayed. If I had stayed in the pack..." My voice trailed off, cracking as my lips quivered. I failed you. I failed miserably as a father to our pup, your mate, and Alpha."

In my mind, a light bulb went out. "Please tell me, my darling. Please tell me who killed you." I reached for her, but my hand went right through.

"I am sorry, love, but I am not here."

My smile faded as my hopes of finally bringing her murderer to justice evaporated along with it.

"Do not give up hope, my dear. I shall always be by your side." She placed her palm over my heart, and I felt a lightness, unlike anything I had ever felt before.

"Sebastian, find her. Find her, for she will mend your wounded heart. She will be the one to save your pack's future." With that, she, too, disappeared. 

Long after the apparition of Sasha disappeared, I was still on my knees in the meadow. One question after another ran through my mind, constricting my heart.

What did she mean? 

Find her?

Whom was she referring to?

Losing Sasha was traumatic enough. However, this new revelation was sheer torture. Such torture would have you broken, and incapable of ever wanting to love again.

***

I returned to the packhouse some hours later and went directly to my room. I dashed into the shower as soon as I got inside, allowing the hot, scalding water to ease my anguish.

After showering, I changed into my work clothes and went to my office. I did not want any of my pack members to witness my meltdown. Alphas could not be emotional or weak. We are the backbones of our pack, and it is our responsibility to maintain a strong front, even in our times of pain.

“Rory, I need you in my office—ASAP.”