2| Heart to Heart

I came downstairs to find my dad sitting in his usual chair in front of the TV.

"What do you want for dinner tonight?" He asked as I took a seat on the nearby couch.

"You didn't plan anything?" I teased. I knew he wouldn't have planned dinner for us without my opinion.

My dad was a simple guy. If it were up to him, he would live off of frozen pizza, microwave meals, and cheddar ruffle chips. Earlier when I mentioned having home cooked meals, that's only when I was home to cook for him.

"Well, I went grocery shopping earlier, but I'm not sure if you have anything to make; why don't you take a look in the kitchen? We could do steaks, or tacos, or I don't know, maybe spaghetti if I have it?"

I chuckled at his random options, "Let's do steaks; I haven't had one in forever and that way you can grill while I make whatever sides I can find."

He agreed with my suggestion and I sat down beside him on the couch, watching the football game that he had on in comfortable silence. I wasn't a huge diehard football fan or anything, but I understood the game and would watch with my dad whenever I was home. I knew he enjoyed my company, even if I didn't share in his hysterical ranting after a loss of a team that I knew nothing about.

After finishing up watching the game, we both took to the kitchen. I poured myself a glass of Chardonnay from the cheap box of Franzia my dad kept in the fridge for my visits. It wasn't my favorite by any means, in fact, I preferred red, but it keeps well and I never would decline free wine. Besides, I would never have the heart to tell my dad that it wasn't my favorite, because at this point, he'd been buying it for me for years thinking that it was.

As I rounded the corner of our kitchen island, my socks slid across the tile, causing me to flail my arms to keep from falling. Some of my wine was tossed into the air and landed with a splat on the floor as I gripped the counter with my other hand to steady myself.

My dad was nearby, and although he reached a hand out to me, he really didn't help. He just chuckled as he regarded me. "First day on the new feet, Emmy?"

"Ha ha. Just slippery socks I guess," I explained, trying to calm my heart beat after almost eating shit. "There's a spill here now, though. Watch out dad, let me clean it up."

He just shook his head. "Oh, I've missed having you here. You just wouldn't be you if you didn't slip, trip, break, or spill something at least once."

I smiled up at him while I used my foot to move my wad of paper towel over my spilled wine. "Just you wait. I haven't even started cooking yet."

                                                                              ********

Cooking actually went well for me; as I said before, I did know my way around the kitchen. As my dad prepped the grill, I made us caesar salad, homemade mashed potatoes, and sautéed mushrooms and onions.

I never ate like this back at college. Mel and I were on a college student's budget, so we pretty much lived on microwave stir-fry, frozen pizzas, and the occasional take-out. So, needless to say, I was very excited to have a nice meal with my dad, but I knew today always had a sad looming cloud.

I wasn't sure if I should bring up the accident at dinner or leave it alone. My dad was a man of few words anyway, so I wasn't sure if he'd want to talk about his feelings at all. Either way, I came home to be with him today to hopefully help us both cope with our past as well as celebrate the incredible life force that was my mother.

I made my dad another Bacardi Coke and set the table while my thoughts wandered. I took another sip of my now refilled glass of wine and set it on the table next to our water glasses. My timing was perfect, because just as I put the last dish on the table, my dad came in with our steaks.

"Wow, those look great, dad!" I complimented as he set the tray down in the middle of the table.

"Thanks, Emmy; You like yours medium rare, right?" He asked, although I couldn't help but think he probably should have asked this before taking them off the grill.

"Yes. They look perfect," I reassured.

We both sat down at the table, dishing ourselves up and then starting to eat in silence. Again, it wasn't an uncomfortable silence. My mom and sister were both always the talkative two in the family, whereas my dad and I were, for the most part, content with just sitting back and enjoying the company. I was a lot like my dad in our mannerisms, despite my striking physical resemblance to my mother.

"This is really good. Thanks for coming home," my dad finally spoke, breaking the silence.

"Of course dad. I'm glad I came back," I responded.

"It is a Friday night, though. Did you have any big plans back at college for tonight?" He pressed.

I nodded thinking about the party that Mel was talking about. I mean, of course I wanted to go, but family always came first in my eyes, especially now that it was just my dad and I. "Yeah; I mean, there were some options, but I'd rather be here today."

He nodded his head, not adding anything further to the conversation. I was curious about him though and how he was doing, so after finishing off my second glass of wine, I figured I'd just come out with it. "So, how are you doing dad, really?"

"I've been doing okay. You don't need to worry about me," he replied, taking a sip of his drink.

"I just... I can't help it, dad. I do worry about you," I admitted.

He cocked an eyebrow at me, "How so? Do I not seem like I'm doing okay?"

Here we go. My dad and I liked to keep things light, and it was very rare that we had very deep talks. It has, however, happened before, and by the look on my dad's face, I had a feeling we were going to have one of our rare "heart to heart" moments. "I think you seem okay; but truthfully, I think you seem very lonely. Today's mom's birthday, and I know that takes an extra toll on you just as it does for me."

He let out a sigh, "I... I do miss her, Em. I miss your mother and Addy every single day. But, I have you, which is something I think about often. You survived, and the light that you carry with you reminds me of how lucky I am to not have lost you all."

I wanted to tear up at his words. I was in the car when the accident happened, but I didn't often think of how it must have been for my dad; getting a call saying that his entire family was in the hospital and may not make it. I couldn't imagine getting news like that over the phone.

"I know; I'm grateful to have you too. But, you know... it has been years. I just don't want you to be so lonely when I'm away at college. I guess I just want you to know, at least from my end, that I would support you if you ever wanted to get back out there," I encouraged. I knew nobody would replace my mom or take away from what my parents had, but it broke my heart to think of my dad sitting alone day after day in this house.

"I don't know..." he hesitated.

"Don't you think mom would want you to move on and be happy?" I pressed.

"Of course she would. And maybe one day, I will start looking again, but I'm okay; I promise," he said placing a palm over mine.

"If you're sure," I said, not meeting his gaze.

He sighed, "It's my job as your dad to worry about you. Please, don't spend your life worrying about me too. Do I miss your mom and sister? Absolutely. I always will. Am I going to be okay? Yes. I will be."

This time I met his eyes. I knew he would be okay eventually; I just hoped he would heal sooner rather than later. I shot him a small smile before we both continued on with our dinner. We fell back into our comfortable silence as we ate, occasionally commenting on the food or what we were gonna do with the rest of our night.

After dinner, I cleaned up as my dad went to the living room, scrolling through different movie options. I couldn't help but notice that his drink was refilled yet again, but decided not to comment on it due to the circumstances. I knew sometimes on days like today my dad would drink too much, but how could I judge? He had been through a lot, and I knew he used it as a coping mechanism on the particularly tough days. I brought it up to him once after a particularly heavy night of drinking, and I swear that was the first time my dad ever yelled at me.

After that, I swore I'd never bring it up again. He was just in too much pain, and until I saw a real problem with his drinking, I wouldn't try and step in again. His drinking was another reason I came home on the hard days, though; at least this way, I'd be here to take care of him if he drank too much.

After cleaning, we both sat in silence, watching Star Trek, one of my dad's favorites, until he eventually passed out on the couch. I took his drink from his hands, dumping the rest out and replacing it with water before waking him up and helping him to his bed.

"I'm sorry I drank so much," he said as I set his water down onto his nightstand.

"It's okay. Just get some sleep, and I'll see you in the morning," I reassured.

He grabbed my arm, giving it a small squeeze as I started to leave the room. "I am grateful that you came home to spend her birthday with me. Really Em, sometimes I don't know what I would do without you."

"You're welcome, dad. I love you," I said, placing a kiss on his forehead.

"Love you too."

                                                                     ********

I scrolled through my phone trying to see if I had any texts from Mel who was at the party, but considering it was only 9:30 PM, I figured it may still be too early for that. I didn't mind going to bed early anyway when I was home. I had a nice dinner with my dad, and despite the fact he had too much to drink, I thought it was a lovely evening.

I thought to myself for a while, deciding to spend one more day with my dad, and just as I was about to fall asleep, I said goodnight to my family, who I knew would always be with me.

"Happy Birthday mom; I love and miss you everyday. Goodnight to you and goodnight Addy. I wish you guys were here."