CHAPTER 4

When I finally got inside my room, I was about to go to the bathroom to take a shower when I noticed something... those posters I collected from different entertainments that I was supposed to be auditioning for, why are they torn?

I picked them up one by one, banging on Aunt Gretchen's room. "Who tore these?!"

Stacy raised her hands. "Me."

I was about to attack her with great anger when Aunt Gretchen blocked me from doing so. "Have you forgotten what I told you earlier?"

I looked at her. "Who the hell are you for me to follow you? You're not even my mother, so you have no right to rule my life!”

I received another slap from her. "You have no manners, stupid! Have my hands no longer giving you pain, so now you are being brave?!”

"You ruined my dream," I murmured. "Your daughter ruined my dream, do you know that?! They are very important to me because listed here are the contact numbers and addresses of the talent agents I am aiming to look for... but now that they are in disrepair, how could I be able to reach them?"

"Tsk, you deserve that!" Stacy said, chuckling.

"You-"

"So what?" Aunt Gretchen spoke. "I told you before that you don't need to dream, so why pursue such a dream that is impossible for you to reach? You’re just giving yourself such high hopes that you can be a famous celebrity, but let’s be realistic here, Irene. You are talentless, no beauty, and low confidence enough to fit yourself on showbiz. You don’t belong there.”

"You can live without dreaming, Irene. Don't waste your life for the fulfillment of your dream that will never happen. You’re a Hospitality and Management student, dear. You are meant to serve people. You were born to just be a loser forever!”

"You were born to serve us... accept the reality that you have no freedom to dream." She pushed me out of their room, leaving me crying.

Covering the back of my hand over my mouth, I forced myself not to make a moaning noise. The pain of the words she uttered, trying to make me see that the reason why I lived in the world was only to serve them as long as I lived. That hurts so fvcking bad.

I had an additional 20% chance that my dream would come true, with the help of the mascot person I talked to, but after hearing Aunt Gretchen's words... I think pursuing my dream won't really be possible.

My eagerness to pursue it is still here, but I can't help but be discouraged.

At some point, she was right. There is no place for someone like me to fulfill my dream. It seems from what she said, maybe I was born to be just a servant for the entire of my life.

I hate to admit it but... I'm slowly losing my interest in pursuing my dream. How can I be encouraged by this? Instead of encouraging words, I receive negative comments and discouraging words from my family.

Plus, my contact details with talent agents are gone. I seem to lose my interest anymore. I'm running out of fuel to go back to the drawing board.

—

"Thank you, Ma'am."

I was about to leave her office when she spoke. "Irene…" When she called my name, I couldn't move for a moment. "Do you have a problem, dear?"

I shook my head. "Nothing, Ma'am."

"But your eyes disagree with what your mouth told me. I can clearly see from here that there’s something wrong, dear. Come on, you can tell me. I’d like to help you in any way."

I looked to both sides to see if there was anyone else… and when I made sure there was none, I looked at my professor again. "It's just a family problem I’m dealing with, Ma’am."

"Oh dear, family problems aren't just a small thing. To deal with problems like that would really feel heavy if you carry it for a long time," she said. "What about your family? What's the problem?"

"I… They’re making me feel it’s not worthy to pursue my dream," I confessed.

"I'm saddened to know that,” traces of sadness are evident on her face. “We know that family support plays a big role in giving you the courage to pursue your dream. Lack of support from your family might cause you to lose your interest in pursuing your dream, aren't you?”

"Another disadvantage is that your family doesn't support you, you might overthink too much. You're creating so many doubts about yourself that maybe they don't really love you that's why they don't support you. Mind you, if you overthink too much, that'll lead you to depression.”

She held my hand firmly. "It's best for you if you only think positive things. Even if your family is not supportive of you, then seek support from your friends, right? Or if there is none, support yourself instead. Believe in yourself and the things you can do, so you can be able to turn your dreams into reality.”

I thanked my professor for her advice, promising to remember it before leaving her office. Thanks to the words she tossed at me, it somehow lightened the weight I'm currently carrying right now. It eased somehow… but I don't know how long it will last.

After finding out the place where I would do my OJT, I first went through the field and hung out for a while. I sat on the grass, quietly watching students like me happily walking with their friends.

In my almost four years that I've been studying on this campus, I've never once had the chance to have even one or two friends… which is kinda sad. There are people who want to be friends with me, but I know that their treatment for me was not genuine.

They just simply make it visible that they want to be friends with me, but the truth is they just need my help. They just want me to do their assignments or activities, but after I do those, they won't pay attention to me again.

I just accepted that maybe that's my fate. I started to believe that maybe I was really born to be an island.