Roughness

Mariam and Richard, unfortunately, leave Emma and I alone in her room. Mariam said it was so that we could get to know each other better but I was a little suspicious. Mariam wouldn't leave alone with an inanimate object, much less a living person. She was a stickler like that. But the she gave me a very specific look, and I let it all slide. She wants to be alone with Richard, for what I could guess, but I wasn't going to get in her way. At least one of us will be having fun. Kinda sucks that it's not me.

Huffing in defeat, I drag two chairs next to Emma's bed, one to sit in and the other to hold my resting feet. All I have to do is sit here and make sure she doesn't die so why not be comfortable while doing it? I doubt anyone will try anything here, anyway. The place is crawling with guys looking for an excuse to body check someone. I would probably think twice before attempting an assault. Probably. I'm not so smart when it comes to assault tactics. Mariam says I'm more of an 'attack now, ask questions if I'm still alive later' type of person. Lucky for me I've always lived to ask questions later, and give Mariam near heart attacks in the process. Why she hasn't learned to make attack plans faster is beyond me.

Hiding an amused smile, I bring myself back to the present. Emma is reading again, her bookmark twirling in her fingers and her book open on her lap, so the room is silent. So silent I can hear the slight chatter going in outside. Mariam's voice finds me, as does Richard's, and I can hear a nurse somewhere calling for a Dr. Rodriguez. It's all boring to me.

I shift my feet on my chair and peek at Emma from the corner of my eye. The small bandages on her face aren't hindering her appearance but they're definitely not enhancing anything either. Somehow, though, she still looks beautiful. It has to be her hair. I'm fairly certain she did her hair just so she can still look lovely and have her pride. Maybe the accident and all her pains made her feel self conscious. I can't exactly fault her for that.

Since she obviously wont talk to me, I lean over to the foot of Emma's bed to grab her chart. I want to see how she's fairing and the best way to find out is to read her chart. She doesn't say anything to me so I flop back in my chair and start to scan her doctor's scribbly handwriting. Turns out I was wrong about her leg. It's badly bruised and cut, but not broken. Most everything on her, and in her, is bruised, but how in the world did she live with nothing broken or sprained? She must have an angel looking out for her, one that's working overtime. And what about the blood I clearly remember around her head at the scene of the accident? I'll be surprised if she only has one of those surface cuts that bleed tons but are really hair thin and not even as deep. She must, seeing as there isn't a bandage around her head. According to her chart she does have a small concussion, though. But the doctor recommended rest and Tylenol so Emma is just fine.

Satisfied with Emma's functionality I put her chart back where it belongs then sigh and slide down my chair. Is this all I'm going to do for the remainder of my guarding duties? Make sure Emma doesn't get a paper cut? This most definitely was not what I was modified for. I could be putting a radical zealot into the ground or bringing down a terrorist. Surely some over privileged white boy is planning to shoot something up somewhere. They always are. Well, I guess I'm not that lucky.

Accepting my fate, I discretely watch Emma read until my eyes get tired. It's not exciting at all but I have to admit that it's somewhat intriguing to see the expression on Emma face change with every plot twist. She smiles every once and a while, clearly enjoying the words on the pages, and her eyes sparkle when she reads something amusing. I find myself smiling along with her, wondering what her book is about. It must be good if she seems to forget that I'm in the room with her. I want to know what the book is but I can't see the cover or the spine. Puckering my lips, I just continue watching Emma's face. It's blank, now, making me think that the book has gotten boring. Maybe the subject matter is something unsavory?

"Are you going to keep staring at me like that?" Emma asks with a sudden smirk, startling me.

I blink at her stupidly then turn away, not wanting her to see my embarrassment. "I wasn't staring," I say flatly. Well, I was, but it was only curious staring. It's not like I was ogling her or anything.

Emma puts her bookmark between the pages of her book and closes it. "Really? I've been watching you watching me since you sat down."

She's been watching me? I hadn't even noticed. I was sure that she was reading. I mean, she was turning pages, she must have been reading. But if she was watching me, too, does that mean some of her smiles were because of me? I'm not that amusing. But, damn, if it's not embarrassing.

"Don't get snippy with me, puppy," I mutter, unsure of what to say. I can't tell her that I didn't notice she was studying me. That's something I should know right away.

Placing her hands on top of her book, Emma cocks her head. She scratches beside a bandage on her cheek and frowns. "Puppy?" she says, testing the word. Her face takes on a funny expression. "Looks like i've already been given a nickname. I wonder what I should call you..." She taps her finger on her chin and pretends to think. I know she's pretending because she smirks and looks at me with mischief in her eyes. "Hot head? Scruffy? Oh, how about, Irrational?"

I scoff at her. If we're going to play another game I'd rather it not be this one. "How about Cas?"

Emma laughs. "You get to give me a nickname but I don't get to give you one? How unfair." She pouts and pulls her covers further up her lap.

"Shut up, puppy," I mock. "I'm the one with all the power here. I can do whatever I want. I should be able to seeing as I don't even really want to be here..."

Emma moves her book to her little bedside table to lean towards me, her whole body screaming cocky. "Judging by the way you were staring at me," she says, her tone twice as mocking as mine, "I'd say I have all the power."

I growl softly as a warning, making Emma jerk back in shock. Now this is a game that will definitely not happen. I don't want to keep going, not like this. "Don't go up against a wolf, puppy," I say, my words clipped.

Emma stares at me wide eyed, her mouth dropped open slightly. Perhaps I shouldn't have growled like an animal, but in my defense, Emma was going down a road that lead to a dead end. Mariam would surely be on my side if she were present. Mariam should be present. Damn her and her stupid crush.

"Not so cocky now, are you?" I huff. I sulk in my chair, my mood spoiled. I sniff to try and catch some of Mariam's special perfume, but it's weak. I can only catch the barest hint of grass.

With sudden clarity Emma's jaw sets and she leans back toward me. I don't know what she's trying to do but I don't like the look in her eye, so I flinch away when she reaches out for me. Her fingertips barely miss my cheek. No one, not even Mariam, has ever dared try to get so close to me without asking first.

And it pisses me off.

"What do you think you're doing?" I hiss, standing quickly, knocking my chair over in the process. The clatter causes the voices outside to hush. I kick my chair so it skids into the wall, hoping to make enough noise so that Mariam will come and see what's happening.

Emma gapes at me. "What's wrong with you? Jeez, you act like I was trying to kill you!"

Hurried footsteps come closer and I move away from Emma's bed. I'm not going to have Mariam yelling at me for one more thing. Emma purses her lips at me while I cross my arms over my chest, turning slightly so I don't have to face her bed head on.

Mariam stops in the doorway, just out of the corner of my eye, and she sweeps the room with one quick glance. Her gaze remains on the chair I knocked over for a moment, then she focuses on me. "What's going on in here?"

I turn to her and notice Richard watching from just over her shoulder. "She... tried to touch me."

Instead of getting upset at such a lame answer as most people would think, Mariam sucks in a breath and her eyes pinch in worry. She strides over to me carefully and holds out her hand in question. I shake my head, and her arm drops to her side.

"Don't attempt to touch her in the future," she tells Emma curtly.

Emma scoffs. "Are you serious? You're babying her right now? I didn't even touch her, anyway."

"And that's why you're still alive," Mariam says, her face serious. "This is your only warning: do not touch Cas without permission."

Emma narrows her eyes. "Is that a threat?"

Richard clears his throat from his position in the doorway, but says nothing. Mariam adjusts her glasses. "Yes," she says. "If that's what it needs to be. Don't touch her. That's all we ask of you." Her last words are almost pleading, and I have to avert my eyes, ashamed. Unfortunately, Emma notices my reaction, and her brows scrunch together. I pray for her not to ask.

"What happened to you?" says Emma softly.

"I'm not doing this," I whisper, already moving towards the door. Mariam blocks my way and I brush against her to get some of her perfume on me. "Tell her," I say as I pass. "I'm going outside for some air, okay?"

Mariam lets me go, motioning for Richard to move out of the way. He does, and I catch Emma spluttering for me to come back, but I keep walking. She hit a sensitive spot for me and she'll soon find out why. Mariam will tell, give enough information without revealing the whole story. She's always been good at that.

Keeping my head down I walk down the hall to the elevator, ignoring the stares of the other guards, and most especially ignoring the glare of Shaun. No one stops me or talks to me so I step into the elevator and press the button for the ground floor. The little of Mariam's perfume that got on me spreads throughout the elevator, allowing me the slightest bit of relaxation. The fresh flowers and tree sap makes my shoulders ease.

When I reach the ground floor, I'm relieved at the amount of guards. There's not as many as on Emma's floor and they're not concerned with me or where I'm going. I wave at the ones who acknowledged me when I walked in then head for the front doors. As soon as they slide open I shut my eyes and try to expel the stuffy hospital air. I breath in the new, cool, fresh air and soak in the afternoon sun. The atmosphere makes me feel better and I take a few steps away from the hospital building to stretch my legs.

As I stroll along to the side of the hospital I notice a few nurses talking and laughing amongst themselves. I don't see the nurse that I bumped into on the night of Emma's accident and I wonder if he ever works the morning shift. While I listen in on the nurses talking about the hospital and the annoying guards accompanying the patient on the third floor, an ambulance wails in the distance. It speeds up to the hospital emergency entrance and the back doors fly open to reveal an EMT. She hops out as doctors and nurses approach, the poor injured soul on the gurney being wheeled about. Everyone disappears into the building, their chatter about what's wrong with their new patient slowly fading. I hope the situation turns out okay.

Sighing, I do a few quick stretches then head back inside. Whatever feelings I may have, I do have a job to do. That's probably the only thing that Mariam's told me that's stuck with me. Sometimes what she does yell at me gets through, even if she doesn't know it.

Back inside, I return polite smiles to the few guards that give me them and head straight for the elevator. I'm walk like I belong and nurses and doctors move out of my way. Soon enough I'm at the elevator doors, waiting. The scent of antiseptic seeps into my nostrils and I wish that I had my own vial of Mariam's special perfume. She says I can't have my own because I'd waste it on situations that don't require it, which is entirely true, but still. It would be a nice luxury.

"Do you know if Emma Hall is staying here?"

Jerked back to reality, I look at the source of the voice, and see a nice looking young man with a cap on his head. I scowl up at him, more from displeasure of him interrupting my train of thought than anything else. But then I register his question and my scowl deepens. No one should be asking about Emma, especially not to a stranger. He could be paparazzi, Emma's dad is wildy rich, after all, but he should have asked a nurse about Emma, not me.

"Uh, yeah," I say, rather having this man with me than roaming the hospital unsupervised. "Actually she is. Good luck getting in though. Her floor is guarded to the teeth."

The man laughs heartily. "Don't worry about that. I'm a friend. She'll be expecting me." He gives me a once over. "I won't have a problem."

I look him up and down, too, my inspection unnoticed, I think. He's wearing a bulky jacket and tight black jeans. Runner gear, and not the kind of running you go to the park for. "I'll come with you, then," I say with a smile, just as the elevator doors ding open. "I'm also a friend. I was just with her. I only came out here to get some fresh air."

The man beams at me. "Great. You can show me where she is."

"Not a problem." I step into the empty elevator first then wait for Mr. Suspicious to settle beside me. He plasters on a smile as I press the button for the second floor, then the third, which makes his smile falter. His lips purse and he squints at me before returning his expression to a friendly smile. Gotcha.

"So, how do you know Emma?" I ask, clasping my hands in front of me. The best time to ask questions is now.

He clears his throat and puts his hands in his pockets. "We went to school together. We kept in touch after graduation."

I nod slowly. "Red-head did a fuck up job in high school, huh?"

The man laughs. "Yeah. She wasn't very smart. Sweet, but not smart."

I don't know if Emma was bad at high school academics, but I sure know that she's not a redhead. At least she isn't now. She could have been at some point. "Yeah," I drawl. Okay. One more test. "I always tried to get her to read but she hated it."

"Yeah. I don't think she ever picked up a book in her life."

I manage to smile at him without baring my teeth. This guy isn't getting anywhere near Emma. The prick could at least study up on her if he wanted to hurt her. How dumb must you be to go into a mission blind? I guess he assumed someone like me would come along and lead him right to Emma's room. Mariam would have a fit over his tactics.

When we reach the second floor the elevator doors ding open, and the man looks at me to see if I leave. I don't, so he stays where he is, his face going hard. I clench my hands.

The doors slide shut again when no one enters or exits, and off we go again. The hum of the elevator sounds as we ascend and I count down the seconds. The man and I don't talk anymore, just stare at the green doors in companionable silence. I imagine what Mariam would tell me to do in this situation, then throw it out because I probably wouldn't listen to her in the first place. This is all me. Hopefully Mariam won't be too upset with how I handle the situation. All I have to do is figure out just what I'm going to do.

When the elevator doors slide open one again, this time on Emma's floor, every guard's eyes are on the man and I. Squaring my shoulders, I motion for the man to follow me out, and he does. If it's this simple to get him to do what I say...

Smiling, I point down the hall, at the room across from Emma's. It's empty, that much I remember, so no one would be in danger. "I just have to ask the nurse about Emma's meds. You go on ahead," I tell the man. "I'll join you in a second."

The man nods and his confidence boosts drastically. He swaggers off like he owns the floor. My mood dropping, I step up to one of the guards by the nurse's desk and get his attention. "That guy you saw me with? Yeah, he's no good. Get Richard or whoever is your superior. Got it?"

The guard's brow furrows, and after a moment of thought, he nods. That's good enough for me so I turn around and head after Emma's possible assassin. He's already reaching the room I pointed him to, and that makes my steps quicken. I take a quick look around to try and find Mariam but she's nowhere to be seen. The door to Emma's room is wide open, just how I left it, and I contemplate warning her. No. Waste of time.

Focusing on the task at hand, I step into the doorway of the room across from Emma's and see the man moving the curtains from around the only bed in the room. When he pulls back the curtain and notices the barren bed, he curses under his breath then turns around to leave. There's no time for me to think about what to do next, and there's no Mariam to direct me, so I do what I do best. I attack.

I run up to the man at full speed on push him heavily with both hands. He flies towards the back of the room and hits the opposite wall with a loud thud. He drops to the floor in a heap, leaving the wall behind him dented. Mariam nor Richard, nor anyone else for that matter, has shown up to help me, so I stalk towards the man on the floor to continue what I started.

He groans in pain and manages to look up at me, his eyes frightened. His expression brings forth a painful memory for me. Upset, I pounce on him without thinking about the consequences. He opens his mouth to scream but I shove my fist into his mouth to stop the noise before it could come. A tooth cracks on my knuckles and his mouth is stretched to capacity. Scared, he claws at my arm in an attempt to free himself, but I hold steady. His tongue flicks at my curled fingers.

With all the tinkering my body has been through, a sliver of enjoyment seeps into me. I was made for violence, and a side effect is having fun while doing it, despite me not wanting it. Mariam knows this all too well. So where is she?

Almost sighing in contentment, I smile viciously and wet my lips. Practically on it's own, my free hand finds the man's eyes, and two fingers sink inside his socket. His efforts to remove my hand from his mouth doubles and he starts to spasm violently beneath me. I don't care about him at all and it sort of frightens me, but my heinous acts don't stop. I pop his eye out of his skull with a sickening pop and his teeth sink down into my fist. Growling, I snatch my fist out of his mouth and stare down at him, detached from the situation.

He gasps and gulps in much needed air, then he starts to scream. A wobbling smile graces my lips as his intact eye rolls around and scans the room with lightning speed. Eventually, it settles on me and my smile stops wobbling. It's firm now. I'm too far gone.

When the man tries to stand up and scramble away, I stomp on his leg full force, breaking bone. He screams louder and one of passing thoughts is why no one has come yet. But mostly I just want the noise to stop, and I know exactly how to make my wish come true.

Grunting, I shove my hand into the man's mouth again and get a firm hold on his tongue. With one quick tug the muscle comes loose and screams turn to bloody gurgles. I drop the tongue unceremoniously to the floor and wipe my filthy hand on a clean portion of the man's shirt, watching him drown in his own blood. He gargles and spasms, making me move out of his kicking range. I circle him like prey, wondering what to do next.

Copper fills my nostrils and I can almost taste it. It's disgusting, abhorrent, but I can't help but like it. It's my continuous battle and I more often than not lose.

Shutting my eyes, I shiver. I want the man to feel a little more pain before he dies. Tear off an arm perhaps? Maybe a leg? So many choices... I think i'll twist his neck agonizingly slowly until it snaps. I don't have much time so that's what I go with.

Decided on a kill blow, I drag his body away from the wall then stand behind him. He's close to death, so close, I can feel it. He's almost over the edge but I want to be the one that pushes him off the cliff. I grab the sides of his head and start to twist slowly, savoring the movement. His body is shaking weakly like a wet dog.

"Cas!"

Frustrated, I look up and see Mariam standing in the doorway with wide eyes. Oh, so now she shows up? I bare my teeth at her, wanting her to go away. I want to finish what I started and get satisfaction. Her presence is ruining it.

"Cas!" she yells again. "Enough!"

I grind my teeth, my arms shaking, and look back down to the man. He's stopped moving, dead from blood loss. Snapping his neck won't do anything now. Damn. What a waste.

Mariam takes a few steps forward with her hands held out. She licks her lips nervously. "Let him go, Cas," she says slowly. "He's dead. Come on, honey. Come down from that mountain. Follow me down here, please?"

Come down that from mountain...

Mariam always says that when I'm killing someone and have gone too far. It's my trigger, our phrase. Ours and only ours. I have to follow her down, I have to, I have to...

My grip slackens on the man's head and I look at Mariam, my vision a bit blurry. She's still creeping closer to me, unafraid.

"You did your job, honey," she coos. "Come down from that mountain."

I release the man's head and he drops heavily to the floor, the thud making me flinch. Mariam runs around the man's body and stands beside me to waggle her fingers so I'll look directly into her eyes. "Can I touch you?" she whispers. "Can I touch you? Let me in. You need to follow and I need to lead. Will you let me do that?"

Gulping, I nod. Mariam places her hand on my arm and rubs my skin slowly. I tense slightly, but catch a whiff of roots and mud, and I relax. If it were anyone else but Mariam trying to calm me, no matter how good they were, they'd be dead right now. I let out a long sigh and let Mariam lead me out of the room.

"I guess I should be glad that you're her caretaker." Richard says, unnoticed my be until now. "I wouldn't have been able to stop her."

Mariam doesn't respond to him, she doesn't even glance in his direction. She sits me down in a chair beside Emma's room then sits down beside to me. "It's okay, honey," she tells me. "You did good."

I nod stupidly, feeling weak now that the adrenaline in my body is dissipating. But I'm also a bit happy since Mariam knows how to bring me down without much pain. She doesn't make me feel like crap for losing control. She knows I was just doing my job, that it's not entirely my fault that I get so intense. It's a relief to be treated like a human being instead of a monster.

Mariam rubs my arm some more but doesn't dare try anything more intimate. She already knows it's not safe for her to do so, even now when it seems I'm harmless. She's too smart to do something stupid.

"Thanks," I say after a long moment. My voice is cracked and lower than it should be.

"Of course." Mariam smiles at me and squeezes my bicep. Chlorophyll tickles my nose. "I'm going to go see what the deal with that man was. You going to be okay? Do you want me to stay with you?"

I shake my head and slouch in my chair. Mariam gives my arm one last squeeze before getting up and walking towards the room where the man's body is. I watch her do what she does best, then I turn my attention elsewhere.

Countless eyes are on me, the story of what I've done already spreading. The guards whisper to each other at a level they think I can't hear, and I grumble to myself, very much hearing what they're saying about me. Maybe I should have just snapped the guy's neck instead of messing with him like a toy. Now everyone's going to be scared of me. I don't mind it but... I just don't want them to know that I lost control. I'd rather them think my actions were on purpose. At least that way they won't know that I really am an uncontrollable monster.

I sigh sadly.

What a great first day on the job.