The Memorial

The next couple of days passed in a blur. It felt as if I was wading through quick sand. Being around my extended family was usually a real good time, but not now. I felt like I didn't have any time to myself. My uncle was a mild mannered man. He was the complete opposite of my dad. My dad had been fun and energetic and always cracking jokes and playing pranks. Being around my uncle and his family was suffocating.

My cousin had a boat load of kids in between his first and second wife and they were both here with him. His first wife, Kathy, had her husband here and their four kids. Two of which were my cousin Justin's. My cousin Justin and his second wife, Stacy, had one of their own. Three of the kids were about five years old and the younger two were two and three. The house felt like it was in constant chaos with as much noise as there was.

Justin's sister, Lacey, had two kids of her own as well and they were about to show up for the first viewing service.

I hadn't seen my dad yet. My uncle was taking care of all of the arrangements while my mom drank herself silly and I pretended to be okay with my house being taken over by tiny humans. I did pick out his suit and volunteered to go get some of his portraits superimposed with other pictures of him with my mother and I.

Chloe had gone back to school because obviously she couldn't miss, so I was left to deal with my family myself. When I went to get the photos done, I cried in the parking lot for about half an hour. It was the only time I felt I had to myself. When I was at home, my cousin's wife number one and two would come and try to hang out with me. I didn't have the heart to tell them that I didn't care to hear about preschool or what daycare they just left for whatever reason.

I peered in the mirror at myself and smoothed my hand down my dark dress. His funeral wasn't for a couple of more days, which I wasn't sure why it was being dragged out, but it bothered me to know that he was sitting in some freezer just waiting to be buried in the ground. I had suggested cremation to my uncle, but he insisted that my dad would prefer to be buried.

My eyes were dark with bags and my face was pale. My hair was pulled into a bun and I left off my makeup. I had told everyone I was going to drive to the funeral home in my own, so I was finally on my own here at home. I honestly didn't even want to go. I was afraid that seeing my dad in a casket was just going to destroy me and I didn't have my mom there to comfort me. She was staying home today because she was dealing with a horrible case of alcoholism.

I knew it was her husband, but the lack of empathy she had for me killed me. All she could think about was how she was going to get one of my cousins or aunt to run to the store for her next drink. l checked my phone and wished that Chloe could have taken off from school to be with me.

It was time to go. My uncle was all about appearances since he was the senator of California. It's probably why he decided to take care of the whole funeral. I think he's also secretly glad that my mom was staying home for this first viewing. Lord forbid she show up drunk to her own husband's funeral.

I drove quietly in my dad's silver Porsche to the funeral home to find it completely packed to the brim. I knew Dad knew a lot of people, but this was crazy. I had to park a ways away from the home. It wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't worn heels. My aunt insisted that heels would go perfectly with my simple, navy blue A-line dress. I held my matching clutch in hand and trudged my way to the front of the building.

People milled around the entrance and when they noticed me, they stopped me and told me how great my father was and how sorry they were that he was gone. I didn't know these people but I thanked them all the same and walked inside. It seemed like every few steps, people had to touch my shoulder and give me their condolences.

In the main room, my dad's casket stood in the center surrounded by what looked like hundreds of flower arrangements of flowers. I stopped dead in my tracks my whole body filling with dread. I felt eyes on me and I knew I had to go up there but I couldn't force myself to move. If I saw him up there, it would all be real.

I must have stood there for a while because Kathy ended up coming from the front aisle of benches and walked to me. She whispered a few things in my ear, but I didn't hear a single thing she said. I just knew that I didn't want to be here anymore.

She placed her hand on my elbow and led me to where the rest of the family was sitting. I was so close to the casket, I could make out his nose and I felt my chest tighten. My eyes stung and I wiped my nose quickly with my hand.

"Do you want me to go with you?" My cousin Justin asked me quietly from his seat. I shook my head and took a deep shaky breath. I waited for one of his co workers to leave the casket before I walked up to it slowly.

Upon seeing him I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. He looked different. He didn't look like my dad. My dad always had a smile on his face. He always had those crinkles in the corners of his eyes when he'd smile and now they weren't there. He never fixed his hair either. Whether he was going to work or not, my dad always had his salt and pepper hair going in every which direction. Now it was slicked back, everything in place. It made me want to reach out and muss his hair.

I reached out and touched his face. It was cold. I felt my breath leave my body and I leaned over him and felt the storm that had been brewing in my body finally break. I held onto his hand that was folded over the other and bawled my eyes out.

"Dad," I whispered to his still form. "Please wake up. We can't do this without you." I hated how cold he was. It felt so wrong. None of this was right. He wasn't supposed to die. Not yet.

After my tears faded, I stepped away from him and walked back to my family. I wished with all of my heart that my mom would somehow show up. I needed her. She needed to be here. I sat down in between my cousin Justin and my aunt and laid my head on his shoulder. He wrapped a strong arm around my shoulder and kissed my forehead lightly. People walked up to us as we sat there, offering up their condolences and memories of my dad.

I loved hearing them, but it was hard. I knew I had to be there but I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to burrow under my blankets and just never come out.

We were about two hours into the viewing when I stood up to go to the bathroom. Kathy and Stacy offered to go with me, but I declined politely. I walked to the back, avoiding people's eyes so that they didn't think they could talk to me. It was a b*tch move but I was tired of being social.

It was on my way back from the bathroom that I noticed two familiar people standing in the back of the viewing room looking uncomfortable. Michael and James had their arms folded over their chests and we're both wearing clothes I could have never imagined them in.

Michael was wearing a light blue button up shirt with khaki slacks. His hair was combed and he had a small scowl on his face. James had on a navy, blue collared polo shirt and black slacks. He didn't do much with his hair, but it was different that what I had seen him wear before.

I felt a horde of butterflies take off when his bright blue eyes found mine. I didn't know what they were doing here, but a part of me was so happy that they had come. Instead of walking to the front, I made my way to them and stood next to James. He gave me an awkward, tight lipped smile and I couldn't help but smile back at him. It was a little awkward.

"Hey, I didn't expect to see you guys here."

"James made me," Michael said quickly. James elbowed him and I bit my lip to keep from smiling.

"We decide to come for moral support. That and there was nothing going on at school, so it was a perfect time to skip."

"Shame on you guys for using me as a reason to skip school." I narrowed my eyes at them and Michael raised his eyebrows at James in a 'see?' type of way.

James rolled his eyes. "It was mostly for moral support."

"That and Dickens had an exam scheduled for today. Who wants to do a f*cking exam in the middle of the week?" Michael whispered. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms across my chest, feeling a bit lighter than earlier. Next to me, James arm grazed mine and I felt goosebumps rise on my arm.

Get a hold of yourself, stupid. His arm barely touched yours. And you're at your dad's wake. I chastised myself.

None of us said anything else. I noticed my uncle's eyes scan the room a couple of times and I realized that he was probably looking for me. I didn't want to have to go back up there, but I knew he wouldn't want me back here hanging out with boys at my dad's wake, so I sighed.

"They're looking for me. I better go. Thank you guys for coming. I really appreciate it, even if it's just to skip school." I turned to look at them and Michael nodded. James reached out and touched my arm.

"Anytime. If you need anything, you have our numbers. " I touched his hand with my other hand and nodded.

"Thanks, I will. " I walked away, only glancing back once to catch James' eyes on me still. Michael was watching one of my dad's ex-PA bend over and pick up something from the ground.

When I got back to my uncle he smiled tightly at me and glanced behind me where I knew the boys were at.

"Friends of yours?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

He sounded a bit annoyed, but what was he going to do? Kick my friends out because they were male?

We lasted for a few more hours. After crying for a little bit near the end when my uncle teared up over my dad's casket, I was exhausted. I glanced around and people were still just sitting around. Even some people who had been here since morning. Like, no offense to dad, but didn't they have something better to do?

During one of my look through I noticed James was sitting in the back now, alone, playing on his phone. I looked at Kathy and grabbed my clutch. I fished my dad's keys out and hoped beyond hope that she didn't ask me what I was going to do.

I leaned into her and cupped my hand to her ear. "Can you drive my car home? My friend is here and I'm going to catch a ride with him. Is that okay?"

She raised her eyebrows and looked around. I knew she was looking for the only other young person here. When she spotted him she nodded.

"Don't tell my uncle or Justin. They'll be pissed. I'm going to tell them that I'm going home to check on mom."

She nodded once again and grabbed my arm. "Don't be out long, the wake is almost over, so we will be heading home soon." I thanked her quickly then took a deep breath.

"Hey, Justin, I'm tired. I was thinking of heading home to check on mom. Will you let your dad know for me, please?"

His blue eyes searched mine and he nodded. "Okay. Just be careful."

I smiled and walked back to the back towards James. He glanced up when I stood in front of him and raised his eyebrows.

"You mind giving me a ride?"