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The water streaming down onto my body began to get cold. I decided a shower was needed to decompress everything that had happened in the last twelve hours. It didn't feel real. None of it felt real. I couldn't believe my dad had died. I couldn't believe that I was off having sex with a guy I barely knew while my dad was dying. It felt surreal to me that this was how I was going to remember losing my virginity.

I ducked my head and let the water run over my back. I took a few steadying breaths and turned the water off. I didn't know how long I took in the bathroom. I just knew that I didn't know what else to do. My mom could be heard from down the hallway, moaning in pain and it struck me so deeply I couldn't concentrate on anything else.

I had tried to sleep but it was pointless. My brain wasn't letting me. I just replayed the night's events over and over in my head. And I felt so much f*cking guilt over it, because my mind was divided between two events. The sex and my dad's death. I would catch myself thinking of James' full lips and the way his mouth felt on my neck and smile and then it would sour as soon as I remembered that my dad was gone. 

I pulled on a pair of underwear, shorts and his hoodie and laid in bed. I tried closing my eyes but it kept happening. I felt like a degenerate. Like why couldn't I separate the two thoughts? 

I tossed and I turned and felt like maybe if I talked to someone about it, maybe I could get some sleep. I checked my phone, feeling a little disappointed to not see anything from James. It wasn't like I gave him my number or anything. But still...it sucked. I clicked on Chloe's number since it was already almost nine in the morning and listened to the ringtone hoping beyond hope that she would answer.

"Hello?" she answered groggily. I felt myself sigh in relief and the dam burst immediately upon hearing her voice. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I sobbed into the phone.

"Kelly? What's wrong? Why are you crying? What happened?" Her voice cleared up as she interrogated me and I couldn't talk. I couldn't seem to be able to form any words. I felt like my lungs were compressed and I couldn't breathe. Maybe I was dying too. Maybe it was my penance for being such a wh*re.

"Kelly...breathe. Please. Do you need me to come over? Are you home?"

"Y-Yes! Please!" 

"Okay. I'm coming. Don't hang up. Just breathe. I'm on my way." I heard a racket on her end and tried to do what she said. The more I tried the harder it felt in my chest. I couldn't take a breath. Was this how he felt when he was dying? I sobbed and heard her curse loudly.

"I'm in my car now. Just lay down and I'll come to you. Do you know if the front door is locked?" I shook my head, even though I knew she couldn't see me. 

"N-no."

"Okay. I'll just get the key from under the fake rock. Is it still under the bush?"

"Yes," I whispered, finally feeling like I was getting a little air. I stroked my fingers over my forehead, trying to soothe myself like my mom used to when I was younger. 

It wasn't too long before I heard her walk into my house and I hung up. I sat up in bed, tucking my legs in his sweater and watching my bedroom door. Chloe walked in slowly, her black, straight hair pulled up into a clip. She was wearing a purple t-shirt night dress and a pair of grey house shoes. She walked to me quickly and wrapped her thin arms around me, resting her chin on the top of my head.

She stroked my head and shushed me until I was finally able to breathe. She crawled around me to sit in the center of my bed with me and watched me, biting at her thin, bottom lip. 

"What happened?"

I stared down at James' sweatshirt, and picked at imaginary lint. "My dad died."

She sucked in a sharp breath and let it out slowly. "F*ck. How?"

"The doctor said it was an aortic aneurysm that burst. I don't know what the hell that means." I glanced up at her and could see sympathy in her brown, almond shaped eyes. She shrugged and laid a hand on my back, rubbing small circles over my shoulder. 

"I'm so sorry." She murmured. 

I shrugged. I didn't know how to answer that. I didn't want to say it was okay, because it wasn't, so I just nodded slowly. 

"I just can't sleep." I whispered to her. "I keep trying but I can't clear my head."

"What are you thinking about?"

"My dad." I didn't know if I should even mention James. I wasn't sure what her reaction would be and I didn't want her to think I was some sort of pervert for also thinking of a boy when there were more pressing matters. 

"Okay and what else?"

I turned to look at her and she raised an inky, black eyebrow. She knew me too well. I shook my head and buried my face in between my legs in the sweater. 

"If you don't tell me, then how do you expect to go to sleep? I mean...where were you even? Because your mom called me and I covered, but..." 

I looked back at her, blushing. Butterflies erupted thinking about him again and I felt disgusted with myself. 

"I was with someone."

"Obviously. Who?"

"James Starr." 

She wrinkled her eyebrows and I could see her thinking. I knew that he had heard his name before. He hung out with Michael. 

"Tall dorky kid with glasses? Justin Bieber hair?"

I snorted at her description and nodded slowly. 

"Like...you spent the night with his sister, Justice? Or...?"

She knew I didn't like Justice. Justice was an Alicia wannabe. She was younger than us by a year and followed Alicia around like a little puppy. 

"Ew. No. Michael and James picked me up after I left the party. I got pissed at Dexter. So they were hanging out and invited me. I went to James' house and stayed there."

Her eyes searched mine and then moved over my face and then down to my sweater, realization dawning over her face.

"Holy sh*t. Did you...You... What happened?"

I straightened my legs and laid back against my headboard. I closed my eyes and sighed. 

"I don't know. I was...I was pissed at Dexter. He had made some stupid comments to me and James was really nice." I swallowed the lump in my throat and shrugged.

"So you...what? Kissed him? Blew him? F*cked him?"

"The last one."

She gasped and grabbed my arm with both of her hands and bounced excitedly on my bed, squealing. I glared at her and she quieted down, her smile falling. "Oh...oh. Were you like...in the middle of it or...?

"No. We were sleeping. But I'm...I don't know. It's like I can't stop thinking about either things and I feel like gross because I get butterflies thinking about one thing and then I remember the other and feel like a piece of crap for even thinking about the first thing and..."I sighed deeply. "I can't sleep."

"Well...that's kind of hard to think about. On one hand, I understand. It's your first time and it should be special and stuff, on the other hand you're mourning your dad. I think I'd feel the same. It's a monumental moment, that got overshadowed with something horrible." 

I nodded, feeling the exhaustion start to work it's way through all of my limbs.

"Yeah. Can we just lay down? I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Yeah. Sure." She laid down and I laid next to her and wrapped my arm aroundd her tiny waist. She smiled sadly at me and closed her eyes. I wondered if she would be able to go back to sleep or if she would just leave me the second I fell asleep.

"Will you stay with me?"

"Yes. I'll be here when you wake up."

***

My bedroom was dark when I woke up. I reached for Chloe's side and she wasn't there. I got up and went in search for her. I walked down the hallway and peeked into my mom's room. She was snoring deeply, a bottle of whiskey hanging from her hand. I scowled and shook my head. I walked into her room and laid her on her side so if she puked she wouldn't choke and took the bottle out of her hand and set it on the bedside table. I tucked her under her bed sheets and sighed sadly. Next to the whiskey I noticed her phone. I picked it up and stared at the front background of my dad holding her, his lips pressed to her cheek. 

My chest ached and I checked her messages and her missed phone calls. One of them was from the hospital, so I quickly called it back.

They explained to me that they needed to know where to send his body. They asked me if I had any idea what funeral home my mom wanted to use. I didn't know, so I told them I would call them back when I figured it out. 

I groaned when I read a message from my aunt asking my mom for her margarita mix recipe. I realized that my uncle didn't know that my dad had passed. How did people do this? Did they send formal invitations to the funeral? I looked at the time and was shocked to see I had slept all day. It was already eight at night. Chloe had most likely gone home. Her parents would be worried.

I took my mom's phone and went down the stairs. My stomach was growling and I needed some water. I was shocked to see Chloe rummaging through my fridge, wearing one of my t-shirts and a pair of my plaid pajama pants. She had her earphones in, so she didn't hear me come in. I felt my heart swell with happiness that she hadn't left me. 

I walked up from behind her and hugged her tightly. She screamed and jumped, flapping her hands feebly against my arms around her. I laughed lightly at her and she pressed her hand to her chest, removing the buds from her ears. 

"You scared the crap out of me! Jeez! "

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. I was just glad to see you still here."

She tilted her head at me and and patted my arms. 

"I told you I wouldn't leave. I just got hungry. Do you want some pizza rolls or chicken nuggets?"

"Chicken nuggets."

"Okay, I'll start them in the air fryer. You had a few missed calls. Two from Dexter and one from Michael."

"Michael?"

"Yeah. A few texts too, but I didn't open them. I didn't want to be nosy." I raised my eyebrows at her and she giggled. 

"I swear I didn't read them. You can check." 

I checked my phone and rolled my eyes at Dexter asking if he could come over. I grit my teeth thinking about what I had learned just last night about him. The other text was from Michael asking me to call him. 

I chewed on my lip and sat at the bar stool in the center island of my kitchen. Chloe busied herself putting our food in the air fryer and grabbing us some drinks.

"Dexter wants to come over."

"What happened with him?"

"The same thing that always happens. He lied to me about being with Alicia and we fooled around and then he acted like I was disgusting."

"What an a*shole!"

"Michael wants me to call him, but I don't know why. And his message was from a few hours ago. Should I call him?"

"What if it's Dexter?" 

I grimaced and shrugged. My thoughts were on Michael's best friend. "I'll put it on speaker." I glanced up at her and she nodded and gave me a thumbs up. The phone rang once before I heard Michael answer. Immediately I heard the familiar music of a video game we played last night and I felt myself smile a bit.

"Hey! I was wondering when you'd call me! I'm still over a James' house if you want to come hang again. James tried to talk me out of it, but we had so much fun last night, I figured I'd ask you anyways."

My face fell as I realized that James hadn't put Michael up to calling me. He obviously didn't tell him that my dad passed away, otherwise I didn't think he'd be calling me.

"Um... actually I can't tonight. But thanks for asking. I had fun last night too. Maybe some other time." I heard some hushed whispering in the background and then a small groan.

"Oh shit...Kelly. I'm sorry. I thought James was just being a douche. I didn't know what happened. Now I feel like a douche for asking you to come. F*ck, dude! Why didn't you tell me before I answered!? You're making me look like a d*ck!"

I smiled and Chloe covered her mouth and giggled. It was a pleasant departure from my reality, if only for a second.

"It's okay. But thanks for asking anyways."

"Hey," I heard James' deep tone on the other end and felt my whole body stiffen. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask. Michael can give you my number if you want it. Take care, okay?"

'Is that him?' Chloe mouthed to me. I nodded and she wiggled her eyebrows and fanned herself with her hands. 

"Thank you. And yeah, have him send it over. And thank you for last night. Everything." I blushed at how stupid I felt for saying that, but I meant it. But it sounded like I was also thanking him for the sex and gah...I just wanted to hang up now.

"It was no problem at all. I'll talk to you later." I groaned after he hung up and covered my face, embarrassed.

"That was so awkward. You literally thanked him for plowing you."

I sighed and leaned back. "Yeah. I know. Now that the easy crap is over...do you want to sit with me while I call my uncle?"