"I am not fine. I know I said I was, but I'm not."
Suho stared at the glass windowpane next to his study table.
On his windowsill was an array of potted ornamental plants from his mom's garden. From Aloe Vera, Peace Lily, Lavender, and English Ivy, which Mrs. Lee explained how they cleansed the air he breathed.
But none of those were creating any difference for him at that moment.
All framed with a lace curtain, no one will guess the room was his. And no one could tell what he's going through either.
That wasn't cool at all.
Of all the people who could see me that day, why has it to be her? Cursing in between breaths.
Across the street, he has a clear view of his neighbor's window, covered with a cerulean curtain.
At night, the bright light in the room gave a silhouette of the enigmatic figure, dancing under the moonlight in the soothing song of The Swan Lake.
In the morning, the curtains were drawn, and the owner grooved to the hit music of the 90s. Ace of Spade, MJ, and Whitney Houston filled the air, awakening every sleeping soul in the neighborhood.
At times, she'd dressed up as a wizard with a magic wand prancing in the room dancing pretending to be Sabrina, The Teenage Witch.
Her face plastered in his mind forever.
"And yet here I am. My eyes lingering in your shadow," Suho lamented, "If only…" Suho stared blankly outside the window.
Daegu sprung to life as the snow melted away, unveiling the greeneries and fields of herbs and flowers.
New life sprouted from the dirt, transforming the surrounding palette from white to vibrant colors.
The dreary sleeping trees extended their green leafy branches filled with little buds of flowers.
Earthy smell whiffed with the wind as plants break themselves from the ground.
Birds chirp and bees buzz from one flower to the next creating a relaxing melody.
Spring is coming.
Spring carried new energy in Suho's life as he jumped into his daily mundane of school and basketball training.
All the while keeping it from his old boss -- his mom. He dared not tell her if she wanted to keep walking till he graduates.
Or, unless he'd want to enlist in the military earlier than usual, the former still scarier from the latter. His busy schedule became his excuse to evade the possibility of crossing Hana's path.
The last incident was still fresh in his mind.
Hana was a rainbow he'll never reach.
He doubted she could even remember him nor noticed his absence.
Considering the number of guys who'd been offering her ride to and from school. Accords that she had been declining one after another, a little birdie whispered to him.
Hana Kim had been stealing the thunder since she arrived.
Some say she's pretentious, while others call her a complete highbrow.
The girls hated her while the boys hovered around like sniffing dogs. When rejected, they'd spew things against her.
But Hana remained undaunted, her chin held high.
Still, for Suho, their one brief encounter told him she's nothing of those mentioned.
That there's a lot of things about her, no one really knew.
Beyond the public's prying eyes, she led a carefree life dancing or singing like the world was her stage but for an audience of one.
One day, Hana was all over her window, redecorating the entire space.
On either side of her life-sized glass window, she hung 2 airplanes, the paper plane Naeun flew and another toy plane he’s seen somewhere.
Hana's creative flair sparked the inner artist child in Suho.
For the first time in six years, he reached out for his worn-out sketchbook and drawing pens.
He flipped it and saw his old sketches of people close to his heart-- his family and basketball icon Michael Jordan.
Before he knew it, his hands took a life of its own and drew portrait after portrait of the new apple of his eyes.
For the next few weeks, Suho secretly sketched portraits in between basketball practice and classes.
As cherry blossoms come in full bloom as Suho immersed himself in the beauty of those around him.
One spring weekend, Suho received a beeper message from his mom:
"Where are you? Come home. I need to go somewhere."
Luckily, he finished the training. He grabbed his gym bag and hopped on his bike, scurrying to go home.
The last thing he wanted was for his mom to suspect that he's up to something. He planned to take a bath at home and wash his clothes from his mom's inquiring eyes.
All dread in sweat, he pulled next to their house, bouncing as he climbed the stairs.
"Naeun, I am home," Suho called from the foyer, shredding off his sweaty uniform, one item at a time until all that's left was his basketball shorts.
Shoving his bag to a nearby sofa, he held his sweaty clothes on his left hand, plastic bag on his right, marching towards Naeun.
"Oppa, Oppa. I am here," Naeun cried out from the dining room, beaming at her brother.
Suho strode to Naeun's side and attempted to give her a peck on the forehead.
"Yuck, Oppa. You stink," she whined, smelling the sweaty skin of her brother.
"Wow!" his mouth opened toying with Naeun's pigtail, slapping his hands every time.
"Who did your hair?" he asked, knowing that her sister wouldn't want anyone to touch her hair. "I have something for you," he added, swirling the black plastic bag in his hand.
As he stepped closer, the person seated at the end of the 6-seater dining table stood up, gave a curtsy, "Annyeonghaseyo." Suho leaped, accidentally tossing the plastic bag on the table, carrying some snacks for Naeun.
Suho ducked to the chair next to Naeun, who was shaking in laughter at her brother's reaction.
He peeked, gulped, then replied, "annyeong," then made a quick run to the bathroom.
Curling behind the door, with his ears on the wall, Suho could hear the two girls giggling. He sat on top of the toilet bowl, slapping his face, cringing in embarrassment.
He peeked behind a small gap between the door, catching a glimpse of the guest.
But all he saw was her long black hair and slender arms.
Trapped, Suho turned on the shower to a maximum only to remember that he did not bring a towel nor extra sets of clothes with him.
"Stupid of me," banging his head to the wall.
______________
Annyeonghaseyo is a formal way to say "hello." Changed to Annyeong (안녕) to make it casual and informal.
"Naeun, Naeun," he barked in between the door gap. "Come here for a second."
“Look at these pictures, unnie! This was Oppa when he was my age.” Nauen giggled as they browsed through old albums in the living room. “Oh! This is in Luneta Park, I’ve been there multiple times.” “Really?” Mrs. Lee asked. “Suho liked going to that park.” “Look, imo! This is me!” showing the picture of a small behind their family picture, holding a toy plane. “So, you’re the little girl Suho was talking about when he was younger. He kept looking for you whenever we went there.” “Me too. Cause I wanted to give him back his toy. It seems precious to him.” “It is. His father gave that to him.” “What a small world.” Hana left around 10 in the evening, carrying several Tupperware of food that Mrs. Lee packed for her. Suho watched the window across his room lit up. That’s when he knew she was home safe and sound. Filled with inspiration, he took out his sketchbook and began drawing what transpired that evening. Sketching Hana in full details as she smiled, played with Naeun
Autumn of 1996 Daegu, South Korea Time had hastily changed from weeks to months, from one period to the next. Evenings have a nip in the air as summer took a back seat. The temperature plummeted to 14 degrees Celsius as September kicked in. From the green scenery, hues of browns and oranges sweep the landscape to some extent, preparing its days for those long cold nights. Suho Lee had his hands full, as one astray dog increased to 6 in the last six months. At that rate, the spot under the stairs can no longer put up with their growing tribe. Hana and Suho scoured the entire neighborhood searching for a suitable place until they chance upon an abandoned old shack near the park, two stops away from where they live. They have also enlisted a temporary little helper, Naeun, Suho’s sister. With the help of their newest member, they named their small animal sanctuary Wonder pets. The bungalow-type house was deserted a few years back. After inquiring around, Suho and Hana
“Ya! Let go of her,” the young woman’s cry reverberated in the narrow alleyway. Suho flinched.He recognized her voice. And he can’t turn away because he promised to protect her at all costs.Shaking his head, he swung his bike around, searching for the sound. In the middle of the narrow lane was a schoolgirl with long wavy hair falling below her shoulder.Her purple backpack stood out, he can easily see it from afar. A dreamcatcher dangling by its side.It was indeed Hana. Not again, he whispered. No one was in sight as the alleyway was situated in the midst of two abandoned buildings. It’s an ideal location for a felony. Suho couldn’t identify who she was screaming at.So, he pulled down his cap, hiding his face from possible onlookers.He glided to where Hana was.Even from afar, he realized the danger she’s in. The situation crushed at him like a raging bull. In the middle of the pathway were 4 people — 3 boys and 1 girl.The group was notorious in wreaking havoc to their
As the mist settled down in the crisp night, stars twinkled in the calmness of the evening. Suho wondered if he was the fog or star in Hana’s world. But one thing’s for sure, he could do everything for her. Protect her and make her happy no matter what. And that unsettling emotion Suho had been struggling to figure out has become clear. Yet, he doesn’t have the balls to even shout it out. He often pondered what had happened to Suho, the basketball charmer and chick magnet, as Kwanghee put it. But Hana was extraordinary, she’s special. They have this invisible string that connected them, pulling each other every single time. And he admired her more than any young woman he met. That’s besides his eomma and sister. Days passed by.It was down to five days before Hana’s surprise birthday party and three days before Chuseok. Suho didn’t have much time left to finish the gift he was prepping up for her. “Woah! This is very stressful. How can things be cropping up all at on
Suho whistled in satisfaction at how he ditched the inquiring look of his classmates.For the first time, he felt a surge of relief after hearing the school bell ring. It was unheard of, and his buddies would make fun of him if they found out.Nothing exciting in their classroom. Same old.But he’s grateful to get a throne next to the window. It gave him space for his mind to wander off from the four corners of their room. Suho can imagine his eomma pinching him or whacking his head to bring his astral body back.“What are you grinning about?” Kwanghee leaned back, turned around, glaring at his best friend. “You’re keeping a lot of things from me lately.”“No. Of course not,” Suho retorted, lips tight, leaning further away from Kwanghee.“Well? So what’s the deal between you and the new girl?” Kwanghee inquired, popping a lollipop in his mouth.&l
Alone in the dark Suho count to three. If he lets them pass, they’ll let him be. “He must be sleeping,” said a male voice whispering behind the door.“I’m sure he’s exhausted,” said another. “Let’s go.”Suho lay dead-tired on the bed in his grandma’s house in Jungang-dong. It was September 27, 1996. His whole body sore from the 5-hour travel to their hometown next to the sea from Daegu. Laying lifeless on the double-decker bed, he closed his eyes, recounting the day that was. Since he’s sharing the room with the rest of his cousins, he might doze off before them. Otherwise, he’d find a large eye bag under his eyes the following morning while one of his cousins snored in sleep like a horn echoing into the night.He closed his eyes, pretending to sleep so his cousins won’t bother him. It might have done the trick because after knocking twice and calling his name, they never returned.Going home for the holiday was something Suho looked forward to every year. First, because of the food.
Level up my game? Suho thought. There’s no competition to start with. He declared to himself positively, chest out and stomach in. He had thoughtfully chosen his outfit for the day, a green polo Lacoste shirt, and blue jeans his aunt gave him on his birthday. Not his usual jersey and baggy jeans get-up he frequently put on. It’s for Hana, he mumbled. From that momentous day in the Winter of 1996, he realized she was the one for him. The bus halted in front of E-world Amusement Park. Not a lot of people were on the site. Although he knew Baekhina could have possibly even reserved the entire park if she wished. That’s how rich and powerful her family was. Without a doubt, they can buy the entire place if she chose to. “Don’t you think it’s odd how Baekhina would waste money on Hana?” Kwanghee asked. “I know. I’ve been pondering about it since the last time we met them. Something’s fishy. Can you smell it?” “You bet. I can.” “That’s why I’m here to make sure Hana doesn’t go through
“There’s no turning back,” I admitted to myself after the horn honked right into my ears. I have been a lawyer for years, unaffected at even the most dangerous criminal, only to wither like a plant in front of Hana. The truth hurts that behind the shining half moon in the starless sky, she was at the dark unseen side. At that very moment, trying to reclaim her position only clouded with dark clouds.As the green light turned on, I pressed on the accelerator zooming past the hundreds of cars on the street. Driving further away from Gangnam, from the truth I can’t bring myself to admit. After an hour of mindless driving, it brought me to the same spot where broken hearts go. Found myself in Dongdaemun along the strips of tent bars where adults crashed after a hard day’s work. My sentiments may not even be far from them. In these cramp gray tent bars where alcohol and bar snacks were sold, we pour out our deepest regrets and l
Hana stood up, gathered her coat, her eyes fixated on the floor., and breathed heavily. “I’m sorry, Oppa.”“For what?” I asked, all the while clutching firmly at the armrest of my couch. Every vein popping out, restraining myself from doing something I might later regret.She turned around and, with heavy feet, sauntered towards the door without replying to my question.I Still have a lot of questions left unanswered. She can’t leave hanging again, can’t she? I cleared my throat, “Hana, why are you here?”She stopped on her track, “Nothing. Forget about it.” Her right hand on the doorknob, “Honestly, I don’t know where else to go but here. You’re the only one to who I can open up without any fear. Sorry for being delusional, thinking perhaps that could at least lend me an ear. But I guess that’s already in the past. I’m not in
“That’s not the Hana I know.” I watched her expression shift like the lioness to a stray cat in the wilderness. “I thought everything was going well for you. What happened?” I stopped asking the same question to myself. I don’t think I am the same Suho either, or am I? Why am I even questioning myself now?Hana tilted her head, blinked several times, her eyes focused on me. Then asked, “So, who is the Hana, you know?”I leaned back, rested my elbows on the armrest, interlaced my fingers, and looked at her. “The Hana I know is someone who knows exactly what she wanted and would do anything to get it. She’s an achiever who never stops until she’s satisfied and not when she’s tired.” I smirked, scanning her from head to foot. “You sound more like ME back in high school rather than the Hana I knew.”“Maybe we’ve switched souls,&rdq
The lioness came out of the den and caught me off guard. My heart palpitating, palms sweating, and throat dried from the thought. Our conversation still echoed in my ears.“Hello,” I answered in a low, intimidating tone. It was more than what I intended to do, not knowing who the other person on the other line was. Whoever it was has interrupted my peace and must pay for it. “Hello,” a woman’s voice reverberated through the other end of the line. Her voice brought chills to my bones. In an instant, a wind zapped me through a deep tunnel, the speed of lightning. One word was enough for my mind to be blown away.I leaned forward, unconsciously gripping the wooden arm of my chair, my knuckles turning crimson. I banished to a place where black clouds appeared on the horizon and fog blurs everything in sight. My mind whirling as I bit my lips. “Suho,” her sweet voice echoing through the dense mist. “Are you still there?” she asked. “Hana,” pausing in between, breathing after each
***Suho’s POV***November 4, 2005I started writing because I was happy. Today, I only write to feel amidst the depression.Exactly a year has passed. Ever since that day, November 4, 2004, my love vanished in thin air. But every detail was still vivid in my mind like it merely happened yesterday. The truth was it’s a memoir that should have perished like the seafoam. Yet, for some reason, the waves kept pushing back these foam to the shore.From the time we left Busan, everything went easily, better than what I imagined. Hana became busier than normal. Working two shifts for the pet store, running errands for Grandma Jung and eomma, and volunteering at the shrine.While I sat around waiting for the result of the bar exam, standing by for her to come home every day. Her busy schedule ended with bus dates. Every morning, we’d have breakfast, send her to work, and
“Was it all worth it?” Hana’s eyes shifted, watching the full moon from afar.The moonlight cast a warm glow over the sea turned bleak, hiding behind gigantic dark clouds swallowing it whole. It’s face hidden in the starless night. It was as if it’s sending a distress signal of impending danger.“Love is WORTH it. I’d rather be a heartbroken prince than a soulless creature on earth.” His voice steady but warm. He reached out for Hana’s hand and clasped it within his two hands.“Your hands are so warm,” she mumbled. Tears fell on Hana’s cheeks, leaning closer on his shoulders.Together, they watched the moon reveal its face once again. Dark clouds drifted away, creating a halo in the black sky.Suho pulled her up, walking hand in hand, next to the seashore towards their trailer van. Waves crashing in on their barefooted feet.“Ya! What are you