Chapter 5

I pick at my food as Frankie sits and stares as me.  I eat about half of my piece and scrap the rest into the garbage.  I smile at my brother as I clean my plate off in the sink.  I place it in the dish rack and then brush my teeth and crawl into bed after changing my clothes.  I pull the covers up and lay there and I can't seem to get warm.  I feel like an iceberg has settled inside me.  A few minutes of lying there when there's a knock on the door and Will and Frankie come in without a word and Frankie shuts the door and they crawl into bed with me like when we were kids after one of my beatings from Pa.

Frankie lies at my back and Will at my front like we would have been in the womb.  Frankie lays his left arm across my stomach and scotches his body to mine and I lay my head on his arm and Will scotches back so he's flush with my body and I put my left arm across his waist.  I finally start to thaw out a little and finally fall asleep with them, crying myself to sleep.  

We sleep until noon the next day, even though it's a school day.  Dom and Connie didn't wake us figuring we needed to sleep.  Connie called the school to let them know what had happened the night before and that we wouldn't be there today and possibly tomorrow and that we'd get our homework when we come back to school since today is only Tuesday.  

When the three of us crawl out of bed, we find Connie sitting at the kitchen table reading a newspaper and Dom is at the lawyer's office and Shel's at school.  She smiles at us even though I know we look like hell.  "Hey," she says warmly.  We wave at her in greeting.

"Hey, Connie, can I talk to you for a minute?" I ask her quietly.

She nods and smiles pushing out the chair next to her and pats the seat.  I sat next to her and I can't seem to find the words now.  She waits patiently not pressing the issue.  Frankie and Will shrug at her as they grab glasses from the cupboard and grab the orange juice from the fridge.  

Finally, taking a deep breath and saying, "I'm sorry that you're guy's life is so screwed up now.  With everything that's going on."  I glance down at my jeans and I pick at a fray in them.  "I would completely understand if you guys want me to get out.  I don't want to be a burden to you and Dom...” 

"Hey, will you stop picking at your jeans and look at me, please?"  She taps my shoulder when I don't look at her right away.  "We're not gonna ask you to leave.  You and your brothers have had a screwed up life and it's not anything you guys did.  Dom and I enjoy having you guys around."

Two days after Mom's murder on Monday night, we went to school on Thursday and back to work on Thursday night.  We have until Monday to turn in our homework from Tuesday and Wednesday.  Mom's funeral service is scheduled for Saturday at eleven in the morning.  It's going to be a small service.  It's going to be Frankie, Will, myself, Dom, Connie, Shelbie, Jason and his Mom and Step-Dad and most of Mom's co-workers and the owner from the flower shop.  The church that the service is going to be held at is having a luncheon at noon after the service at the graveside.  

I can't focus.  I'm having a hard time concentration in school and my only relief is Jason, Shel and my brothers.  I've been offered some extra hours at the shipping store and I think I'm going to take them.  I need to start putting aside extra money aside to help pay for my share of the bills at the apartment when I move in with my brothers in June.  

"Marrallyn?" I glanced at the Math teacher, Mrs. Sanchez, to find her and everyone in our class staring as well.  

"Yes?" I ask timidly.  What the hell did I do know? Jason places his hand gently on my thigh and squeezes gently in comfort.  

"I asked if you knew the answer to the problem on the board."  She looks at me with pity in her eyes, God I hate that look; all of my teachers know what has been going on and what happened earlier this week.  "See me after class, please."

Mrs. Sanchez turns to another student and has him work the problem out that's on the board instead.  Jason leans over to gently kiss me on the cheek and I look at him in surprise.  His smiles timidly and I smile back and I lean over to give me a quick kiss on his cheek.  

Finally the end of the day comes and as I walk to my car to head to work, I hear someone holler my name from across the parking lot.  I turn to see Jason jogging toward me.  I stop at my driver side door and unlock it as he reaches me and stops with a huge grin on his face.  

"Hey, I hope I didn't cross the line when I kissed your cheek earlier today?"  He looks hopeful and scared.

I smile the best I can at him and instead of answering him verbally; I stand on my tiptoes and kiss him on the mouth.  I settle back on my feet and a slow grin spreads across his face.  He bends his head down and gently places his hand on my unbruised side of my face and kisses my lips like they are the last pool of drinking water on the planet.

When he lifts his head up he has the best smile for me ever.  "Um, I was wondering if you'd like to come over tonight for dinner?"

"I don't get out of work until seven-thirty." I'm glad for my job, but damnit for having to work most every night. 

"That's fine; we don't normally eat until eight, when everyone is home from work."  He looks hopeful. "Please?"

I smile the best I can at him.  "Sure.  I'd love to; I'll come right over when I get off work."  

"Great.  I can't wait," he grins as he kisses me one more time before leaving.  I leave for work and call the house to let them know I have dinner plans tonight Jason's and will be home right after that.  My four hour shift flies by since I'm loading and unloading trucks and it's only me and Sasha loading and unloading tonight; lots of orders to have repacked and orders to be shipped out.

I always carry a spare set of clothes in my car for emergencies.  So, I stop at a gas station on the way home and change in the bathroom and buy an energy drink.  I get stares from the workers due to my face starting to change colors.  

As I pull into the driveway and start to walk across the street to Jason's my stomach starts to flip-flop with butterflies.  I knock on the door and wait patiently as my stomach ratchets up the butterflies.  

Jason opens the door with a smile and hug.  "Come on in, Marra," he ushers me into the house, which smells of either tacos or burritos and that's a great smell.  The only time we ever had those at home was if Pa was at the bars when he was out of work.

"Thanks for inviting me, Jason, I appreciate it."

He nods.  "Not a problem."

We enter the living room and I love how it's decorated and how it feels like a home, like where I'm staying feels like a home.  Jason's Mom comes around the corner from what I presume is the kitchen.  

"Hi, ma’am, thank you for letting me come for dinner," I told her quickly.  I don't want to offend her.  "I love your home; it's so warm and inviting."

"Please, honey, call me Jessica."  She looks up at her husband as he comes into the room with us and she smiles at him.  "This is my husband, Jackson, Jason's step-dad."

"Hello, sir, nice to meet you."  

"Hello, please call me, Jackson."  He offers me and I shake it carefully.

Jackson looks at my face carefully and then smiles gently, he seems friendly enough, but I'm still leery of him.  "So, I hope you're hungry because dinner is done."

I nod.  "Yes, si - Jackson, I am hungry.  Dinner smells great."

Jessica and Jackson lead us into the kitchen and Jason holds my chair for me and scotches it in for me once I sit.  I feel silly.  This seemingly normal and happy family is foreign and strange to me.  As we pass the dishes around, I feel so strange like I don't belong in this happy little family.  

"So, Marra, how old are you?" Jackson asks as he blows on a bite of his burrito.  

I swallow quickly before answering so I don't upset him for taking too long.  "Seventeen, I'll be eighteen in April." 

"My dear, you don't have to eat so quickly to talk, we can wait until you've chewed and swallow," Jessica says gently.

"Sorry," I say quietly, latching my eyes to the plate in front of me.  Damnit, they already don't like me, I'm flawed.  Not good enough to be in their home or to eat their food.  

"I'm going to head out," I say quietly as I start to get up.  But Jason's gentle hand on mine stops me halfway from getting to my feet.

"Marra, you are fine, I promise," he tells me quietly.  "No one here thinks you should leave."  I glance quickly up at him before putting my eyes back down.  "Please, sit back down and eat."  

"Honey, we didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable," Jessica says.  "Will you please look at me?"  

I swallow hard and do as she asks.  She has a gentle smile on her face.  "Marra, I understand that your Father was very controlling and abusive but with us, you don't have to be afraid to look us in the eyes or take your time to eat and say what you feel, alright?"  

I nod and as they start to eat again the conversation picks back up like nothing happened.  

"So, Jason, you're Dad called again," Jessica tells him.

Jason sighs and says, "Yeah?  What's up with him now?"

Jessica smiles weakly at him.  "He wants to know why you won't come to see him this weekend."

Jason looks over at me from the corner of his eye and then turns to me.  "My Dad is in Prison.  He's been there since I was ten."  He smiles weekly at me.  "You said the other day that I understand the ugliness and don't seem to judge'."  He looks at me intently.  "I used to go to school like you have and I've seen and experienced ugliness that I can't judge."

"My ex-husband is very similar to your Father," Jessica says patting Jason on the hand.  "My ex used to use Jason and me as punching bags, except for drinking like your dad, my ex was a hard drug user."  

"Eight years ago, Mom left him and took her and me to a shelter for abused women and children.  The shelter gave us safety and security and time for Mom to file for divorce and for the police to get what they needed against dad to prosecute him."

"A year after we left, the divorce was complete, but we still feared that he would find us and we would die.  A year and a half later Dad was on trial for disturbing drugs and for what he did to Mom and me."