I used to love watching melodramatic TV shows, so I had a pretty good idea of the destructive allure of first love in a man's life. The more unattainable she was, the more he wanted her.
For Nicholas and Claudia, societal norms meant they could never be together. The Hawk family was too prestigious. Even without blood ties, they couldn't afford such a scandal.
If Nicholas truly loved Claudia, even her faults would seem endearing to him.
How could I compete with that?
The surgery proceeded in silence and without complications. Afterward, I sat on the second floor and waited to get my medication.
The smell of disinfectant permeated the air and cleared my thoughts. In a moment of clarity, I messaged Nicholas. "If you had to choose between Claudia and me, who would you pick?"
If he chose Claudia, I’d let go gracefully and wish them happiness.
I knew sending that message was impulsive, but if I didn’t act on impulse, how could I ever convince myself to give up on the man I’d loved for so many years?
I clutched my phone while waiting anxiously. However, my message seemed to vanish into the void. There was no sign that he would respond.
After a long while, I couldn’t resist going back to Claudia’s ward.
Inside, Nicholas was delicately spearing apple slices with a fruit fork and offering them to Claudia with a tenderness I had never seen before.
I had come at the wrong time. If I had waited a bit longer, I might have caught undeniable proof of their affair and ended my internal conflict.
When I called Nicholas out of the ward, he faced me with indifference.
"What’s so urgent that it can’t wait until we’re home?"
"I’m waiting for your response," I said firmly.
Nicholas reached into his pocket for his phone. After reading my message, he pressed his tongue to the inside of his cheek.
"What’s this supposed to mean?"
He didn’t show the slightest hint of being caught off guard. In his confident gaze, I felt myself appearing to be the unreasonable one.
In a lazy tone, he asked, "Why the hell should I choose? What’s gotten into you?"
Nicholas even casually pulled out a pack of cigarettes, only to put them away when he remembered we were in a hospital.
His expressionless gaze met mine as he toyed with the rosary beads on his wrist while waiting for my answer.
Under the harsh hospital lights, I must have looked ghastly. My exhausted expression was reflected in his eyes. It left me feeling exposed and mortified.
Even my conviction that he was emotionally cheating began to waver.
Was I being too sensitive?
How could he be so self-assured?
Nicholas squinted at me for a moment before grabbing my wrist and holding it between us. "There’s no need to injure yourself on purpose. Your body is a gift from your parents.
"Claudia is sick, so I’m spending more time with her. What’s wrong with that?"
What? He thought I had deliberately hurt myself?
Tears of frustration welled up in my eyes. At that moment, the anesthesia seemed to lose its effect. The pain radiated from my injured thumb and made me gasp for breath.
He didn't give me a chance to speak as his tone turned harsh. "Stop pretending. Do you think I can't see you're throwing a tantrum? She's just my sister. Don't overthink things!"
I was rendered speechless by his accusations. He still looked the same. He was charming on the outside, but at that moment, it felt like I had never really known him.
Nicholas issued his usual commands, "Go home. Don’t come to the hospital unless it's necessary."
"Fine. I’m leaving!" I retorted. I took his impassiveness as his choice. I stepped back, turned, and ran away. "From now on, spend as much time with her as you want."
Nicholas didn't follow me.
I heard the ward door open and close behind me. "Nick, did you guys have a fight?"
…
When I got home and opened the door, Wendy Keller immediately came to greet me. She took my shoes and bag.
She noticed the bandage on my hand and asked with concern, "Madam, did you hurt yourself? Should I call a doctor?"
Her unexpected kindness made my nose tingle, and tears quickly welled up in my eyes.
My husband of four years couldn’t even show me the compassion that our housekeeper was capable of showing.
People said love was the cheapest thing in the world, and they were right.
"Wendy, I just got back from the hospital. No need to cook today. You can go home."
Our housekeepers didn’t live with us. They came and went on a schedule. They only did the essential cleaning and cooking.
I didn’t like having too many people around, and now I felt utterly exhausted. I needed to be alone.
Wendy looked alarmed. "That's not right. Let me at least clean up a bit before I go. I can't just take your money for nothing."
We had a separate housekeeper for cleaning, but Wendy was diligent and reliable, so I let her continue.
My unfocused gaze settled on her busy figure, and soon I noticed a pile of items that didn’t belong to me accumulating around her.
There were small toys, colorful cartoon hair clips, cute figurines, and many other things I couldn’t even recognize. It dawned on me how divided my home of four years had become.
I loved warm tones, cleanliness, and sunlight streaming into every corner without obstruction. Yet, Claudia's presence was imprinted on every part of my home.
I didn’t like anyone invading my private space, but Claudia had been living here for four years.
"Leave it, Wendy."
"Huh?" Wendy looked at me while holding something shiny in her hand. She looked puzzled.
I smiled and explained, "Go to the storage room. I’ll get the suitcase. Help me pack."
The one who needed to leave wasn’t Claudia. It was me.
Wendy cautiously studied my expression. "Madam, did you and Mr. Hawk have a fight? Every couple has their ups and downs.
"You shouldn’t leave just because of a fight. If anyone should go, it should be Mr. Hawk."
Her comment made me laugh. "After I leave, Nicholas will be the one paying you. And yet you talk about him behind his back?"
"Then take me with you."
I was the one who hired Wendy, so her loyalty didn’t surprise me. "Once I’m settled, I’ll bring you along. I’ve gotten used to your cooking; I’m not sure I’d like anyone else’s."
In the end, Wendy had to sit on my suitcase with her ample figure to force the suitcase zipper closed. When I reached out to take it, she didn’t let go. She engaged in a silent tug-of-war with me.
"Let go. Don’t think I didn’t notice you calling Nicholas just now."
Earlier, I had gone to ask Wendy to fetch my largest suitcase, only to witness her making a call.
She had told Nicholas that I wasn’t having dinner and was packing to leave, only to be hung up on in less than three seconds.
I could guess Nicholas’ response. He probably said, "Whatever."
Wendy released the suitcase, which confirmed my suspicions.
"Wendy, stay here and take it easy. You don’t need to cook anything nice. Just help me spend Nicholas' money as much as possible. Make him go bankrupt if you can."
That was my way of saying goodbye.
Wendy suddenly blinked at me like she was trying to force out tears.
I thought she was overreacting.
I waved her off and turned to leave, but in my haste, I ran straight into a wall.
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