CHAPTER 15

  "Zhanaia, taking risks is a part of a person's life. Without risk, there's no thrill, no life-changing lessons. And in thousand possibilities of a risk that you are afraid of, you wouldn't know what will exactly happen if you wouldn't try."

 Caroline's words were echoing in my ears until now. I've been rolling on my bed for quite some time but I still can't find my comfortable spot to sleep— I still can't sleep. I already tried counting sheep while my eyes are closed but I already reached seven hundred, still, my mind is fully awake although my eyes are shut.

 My unexpected meeting with Dion's father, the favor that he asked, Janice, and Daniel talked to me regarding the favor, Caroline's words, my suppressed feelings for Dion for I am afraid for the possible outcomes if I take the risk— they are all circulating in my head.

 I sighed.

 "How did I end up in this situation?" I asked myself before I stood up and wear my slippers.

 I went outside my room, the lights in our home are turned off. It is past eleven in the evening, more than thirty minutes and it is another day. I received a text from Nurse Stell earlier that we won't go out for tomorrow since Dion needed to rest. According to Nurse Stell's text message, aside from the headache, he felt when we were in Grossmünster, he also had a nose bleed few moments after he woke up and felt nauseous. He was also feeling weak, he can't even manage to stand up properly because his muscles don't have enough strength.

 That was enough reason to make my heart somehow ache, I was sick worried about him.

 I silently and carefully walk down the stairs while holding my phone with its flashlight on. I planned to just go outside and breathe some air, it helps me think thoroughly. And if that is still not enough, I'll go with my plan B, I'll take a walk in our area for a while listening to a song with my earphones on. It relaxes my mind.

 I managed to go down without a sound and was halfway to the door when I felt a presence behind me, at the same time, someone cleared his throat.

 "Where do you plan to go late at night, Sweet Zhanaia?" it was papa.

 I slowly turned around, still holding my phone and its flashlight on. "P-papa, I... j-just want to go outside and breath fresh air." I stuttered. I feel like I just got caught with a crime that I did.

 Papa crossed his arms on his chest. I was expecting him to scold me but then he spoke softly, "Is there something that bothers you?"

 "H-huh?"

 "Sweet Zhanaia, I know you. You don't usually go out this late at night to breathe air, and you don't stay awake late at night unless it is school days and your homework is taking your time. You only do this when something is bothering you, daughter."

 And that made me smile. Ah, yea, of course, he is my father. He is one of those people in this world who knows me better more than anyone else.

 "Am I right?" he asked and I nodded. "So, what is bothering you? May I know?"

 "Ahm..."

 I was a bit hesitant to tell him what's bothering me. I know he would be a great help but this thing is about a man in my life, and he is my father.

 Perhaps he noticed that I am hesitating to tell him this thing, he took a deep breath and told me he'll call mama so that we could talk.

 "No, papa, you don't need to—"

 "Your mama is still awake, Sweet Zhanaia. And I have an idea on the thing that is bothering you, and yep, it would be better if you will talk with your mama about that thing. After all, you two are both women, you think the same way when it comes to that thing."

 He walks closer to me and kissed the top of my head, making me smile. "Remember, Sweet Zhanaia, your family is always here for you."

 I smiled and nodded. Perhaps it is the bond of the family that makes them know that I am going through something. It didn't take long and I heard mama's footsteps on the stairs.

 "Sweety, are you a ghost now? Why didn't you open the lights?"

 "Uhh..." I smiled shyly.

 Mama reached where I am standing and guided me outside. We stood silently for a while, I was looking up at the sky when she spoke,

 "Dionysus," she mumbled. "It's about him, right?"

 I look at her in surprise, "How did you know?"

 She smiled. "Zhanaia sweety, no matter how busy your papa and I are, we always make sure that we are updated on what is happening to you and Zhairo," she said with a smile.

 "You've been busy with your part-time job as a tour guide, you've been busy with him. We barely spent time together as a family, but, we understand you, Zhanaia. Your dad, your brother, and I knew that you care for him, and this is the first time you cared for someone except us and Caroline. And this is the first time you felt that thing. So, we do understand that it is taking your time figuring out what you feel."

 Mama told me that Caroline was their way to know what is happening to me when they are not around and when I was outside our home. They also knew that Dion's father talked to me and asked me a favor. She told me too that she and papa are kind of disappointed for I keep these things with me, I didn't try to open up to them and ask for my parent's words and guidance. I tried to handle these things all by myself when they are just waiting for me to reach out and they'd willingly give me what I need.

 A parent's words and guidance.

 With that, I apologize, "Sorry, mama. I forgot that aside from my best friend, I have my family whom I can lean on in times of need."

 I heard her sigh before she went closer to me, pulled me into a hug, made my head rest on her chest as she softly caresses my hair, giving my heart a warm comfort. It has been always like this. Although Zhairo and I make mistakes, we don't make it a big deal, even if it is. We talk, explain our sides, and make us admit and accept our mistakes. They may scold us, but at the end of the day, we will be pulled into a hug while telling us that it is okay to have mistakes because it is human nature. It is okay to have mistakes, as long as we learn from them.

 "Caroline told us everything," she said. "She told us that all of them can see that you and Dion feel the same way. The boy already confessed, while you, Caroline said that something is suppressing you to admit what you feel. May I know what is it?"

 "Didn't she tell you, mama?" I asked instead.

 Caroline also knew what stops me from facing what I feel. So, if she told my parents everything, then that includes the thing that mama just asked.

 "I want to hear this one from you now, sweety. Come on, tell me, what is it?" she persisted.

 I sighed deeply and pulled away from the comfortable hug, "I am afraid of what will happen, mama. I am afraid to take a risk." I said.

 "You are afraid to take a risk?" she asked and I nodded.

 "It is a risk to face and accept this feeling, with Dion's health condition, mama. Anytime, he might bleed. If not because of the medicines he is taking, he might be experiencing worst than this. According to his father, Nurse Stell, and even Janice, he is getting worst day by day. I've seen how his headaches are attacking him, mama, I've seen it several times. And by just seeing it, I can say how worst his condition is. And I am afraid, mama."

 "With his condition getting worst than ever, what would happen to us if I take the risk?" I asked, sounding like the question is just for myself.

 "So, you are afraid to risk your heart because of the possible outcomes?" she asked, I nodded. "Sweety, you know I am not a wordy type of person, right?" she asked again, and I nodded.

 Mama is not the kind of person who gives you a lot of words to make you realize things, even when you are consulting for her advice or opinion. She's kind of poetic, and I now have an idea where this one is coming heading, and I was right.

 "Zhanaia, I want you to know that life is a risk. Each of us is bound to die, though in different ways and times. Every tragic ending is not tragic at all, because it is not the ending we are talking about, but the memories we made before it ended tragically."

*****

 If not because of the eyeglasses I am wearing that somehow covers the dark circles under my eyes, I will surely look like a zombie, walking carelessly early in the morning in this silent street.

 Aside from looking like a zombie, my head hurts too due to lack of sleep last night. I just slept for two hours or so and then I woke up, and after that, I couldn't sleep anymore, so I decided to text Nurse Stell and inform her I'll go to Dion today to check on him.

 Dion, the reason why I am like this for the past few days.

 He was the reason why I am staying awake late at night, staring at my room's ceiling while thinking things I shouldn't be thinking if everything was still the same as before. But no, it is far from being the same as before. There is a man in my life now. A man who put me in this complicated situation. A man who put me in this situation where I am hesitating to face what I feel although I already know to myself what it is.

 "Why does it have to be like this?" I asked although I know no one could hear me and answer me. I am talking to the air and myself. "Why does it have to be complicated like this?"

 Few meters away from the gate of Dion's house, I saw Nurse Stell waiting for me. She was looking at her feet, wearing white shoes, her hands are in the pocket of her gray cardigan. Her hair is tied up in a bun, just like mine, but hers is neat than mine. I didn't even put even a single effort to neatly bun my hair, it looks messy.

 Nurse Stell looks fresh and clean, as she should, and as always. I walk closer to her, and perhaps she heard my footsteps, she looked up and her face shone up when saw me.

 "Zhanaia!" she jogged towards me and gave me a peck on my cheeks. "Hey, good morning!" and she sounded as lively and energetic as ever.

 I suddenly remembered mama. They somehow have the same vibes: lively and energetic. You'll never see them looking tired and worn out. They are always composed and fresh. And I wish I could be like that too.

 "Morning," I mumbled.

 Unlike her, I sounded really tired. And because she's a nurse, she easily knew.

 "You look tired, Zhanaia. Didn't have enough sleep?" she asked as we enter Dion's house.

 Just like the last time I went here, the house is clean and cozy, giving it a vibe like those houses on a hamlet. The paintings hanging on the wall were still there, and now, there are new paintings added. A smile made its way on my lips as I saw myself on some of them. My gaze locked on the painting of the two-person on a bridge.

 The painting looks romantic, with love locks surrounding the two-person standing in the middle of the bridge, its background is the dark sky covered with silvers and gold, and the river illuminated by the moonlight.

 I walk closer to the painting, stretched my hand upward, and caressed the glass of the frame. I remember this night so well, this is one of the most romantic nights of my life, although I rejected him.

 "Hey,"

 Fast as lightning, I turned around when I heard that voice. My smile widens when I saw him.

 "Dion!"

 He smiled, and I must say that his single smile made my day. Now, I feel like one of those high school girl characters from the books I am reading, like a lovesick fool, just a smile from their long time crush, and her day is complete. The smile as wide as the ocean, with cheeks burning red.

 "Just a smile from you, just your mere presence is enough to make my day and wash away this heaviness I am feeling," he said, making my cheeks burn even more.

 I stuttered, "D-don't talk like t-that."

 He chuckled, "Why? Am I making you blush?"

 I felt like my cheeks burned when he touch to caress them. I moved away. His hands are cold but I don't know why I feel so hot all over.

 "S-sorry," he mumbled and step backward.

 That's when I realized my actions, I may have offended him. With that, I made my move and reached for his hand, he was startled but my action, his gaping mouth is the evidence.

 "No, you don't have to say sorry. I was just, you know, a bit startled." I said as I hold his hand and smiled at him.

 "Oh." was all he can say.

 I bite my lip from the way how I see the situation. We are kind of... shy to each other as of now. Well, I've been avoiding him for two days now. It started when Janice came into the scene, when I started to feel jealous because she kissed Dion.

 "So, ahm, how are you? How are you feeling?" I asked, trying to ease the tension between us brought by shyness.

 "Ah, I feel good than yesterday."

 I nodded. "Glad to hear that."

 Silence fell after we shared those words until we heard nurse Stell's voice.

 "You two, why don't you take a sit? Here, I prepared pancakes and hot choco for breakfast."

 We heard the sound of the plate is put down on the wooden center table, at the same time, the delicious aroma from the pancakes and hot choco perfect for a morning filled our nostrils. I can see from Dion's eyes that he is excited about breakfast so I gently pulled him and guided him to sit on one of the couches. He was surprised by my action but didn't say anything, he just stared at me in awe, so I smiled.

 "I know you are still enduring something so let me spoil you. Besides, let us take this moment as a catch up for the two days that I avoided you. Sorry for that," I said.

 He did not have the chance to react because I reached for the plate and put a pancake on it.

 "Do you like butter or chocolate syrup?"

 "C-chocolate s-syrup," he stuttered in a daze which made me smile.

 I put a portion of the chocolate syrup on top of his pancake before I handed him the plate, "Here,"

 Perhaps he's still trying to adjust himself and his mind with my actions, he didn't move but he just stared at me. My forehead ceased,

 "Do you want me to feed you?"

 He was like in a state of being hypnotized, he was still staring at me making my forehead cease even more and I repeated my words.

 "Dion, do you want me to feed you?"

 "Yes," he answered, and then quickly shook his head when he realized what he just said. "I... I... I mean, n-no. I was just— aish!"

 He drew a loud breath before he gets the plate from me and put it on the table again. He stressfully wiped his palms on his face, and then again, sighed heavily.

 "Zhanaia, what are you doing to me?" he asked like he is having a hard time over something.

 "What?"

 "What are you doing? This? Why are you doing this? After two days of avoiding me, you come here and spoiled me. Why, Zhanaia? I don't understand." I was just about to say a word when he spoke again. "Don't you think this is a kind of torture for me?"

 "Huh?"

 "Zhanaia, look, you know what I feel towards you, right? I confessed you rejected me. We were okay even after you reject me because for me it wasn't a big deal, we shouldn't make it a big deal. It is enough for me that I told you what I feel, even though you rejected me because you don't feel the same way. And then something happened, Janice came, she kissed me, you avoided me for two days because you are... jealous. That's what you said. I wanted to say something and ask you what do you mean when you told me you were jealous, but I couldn't because you keep on avoiding me. And then now, here you are, spoiling me as nothing happened. Zhanaia, your actions are killing me, do you know that? When you told me you were jealous and this spoils from you, it somehow gives me hope that you feel the same way I do."

 I couldn't say a word, my mouth just hanged open and then closed after. I stared at him with his brows furrowed, confusion is visible in his eyes. Am I being insensitive to what he feels? Because honestly, my actions come out naturally. I don't know but I just feel like wanting to spoil and take care of him.

 "S-sorry," I muttered.

 He looks frustrated as he again wiped his hands on his face before sighing heavily. I notice that he always does that when he is frustrated or baffled. He took a sip on his hot choco, I watch as his adam's apple moved up and down. He is given handsome but adam's apple adds spice to him.

 "You know what, I think I shouldn't have confessed to you. Maybe it wouldn't turn out like this if I had just keep it all by myself," he said.

 Meanwhile, I remember Caroline telling me it wouldn't be this complicated if I had just accepted what I feel and just readied myself for the things that might happen.

 "Zhanaia, I want you to know that life is a risk. Each of us is bound to die, though in different ways and times. Every tragic ending is not tragic at all, because it is not the ending we are talking about, but the memories we made before it ended tragically."

 I didn't know but I suddenly heard my mother's voice inside my head, telling me the words she told me when we talked last night. At the breakfast earlier, she didn't mention anything and acted normal, like we didn't talk about the situation I am in, and it goes the same with papa. He never mentioned anything about how he caught me trying to sneak out last night. Zhairo on the other hand seems to know something too. Well, I wouldn't be surprised since he is close with Caroline.

 Silence fell on us. Dion started eating and I served myself a pancake as well and eat silently with him. Even when Nurse Stell came out from the kitchen and told us she's going out, we were silent and just listening as she reminded us that she and Daniel are just around if something happens, and reminded Dion to take his medicines after he eats.

 "Enjoy, you two!" she cheerfully said before closing the door, leaving us silent again.

 Dion finished his pancake and hot choco and went to the kitchen. I followed him and saw him holding a glass of water and medicines in his other hand. I watch as he drinks those medicines together with the water. He turned in my direction and his brows furrowed when he saw me. I immediately search for an escape reason, but before I could even say something, he spoke in a low voice and said,

 "Don't bother making reasons. I don't mind after all."

 In the end, I lowered my gaze and wait until he walks past me. I heard the sound of plates, forks, and the cups we used so I immediately turned around and saw Dion cleaning the center table. I walk to help him but he insisted. I watched as he finishes what he was doing before taking a deep breath.

 "Zhanaia, wouldn't you mind if I tell you to go home?" he asked.

 I stop and look at him, my brows knitted as I ask myself if I heard him right.

 He continued, "You see, I am not up for anything today. I needed to rest and wanted to be alone."

 I know he needed to rest, but I can't help to feel that this is also his way to avoid me. Is this how he feels when I was the one avoiding him?

 "S-sure," I answered. "I'll go ahead. Rest well."

 I turned around and start walking towards the door. I could feel him staring at me but I didn't mind it. Until I reach our house, I was not on my senses. Zhairo, as always, was sitting on the sofa and reading a manga book. He looks at me for a while when he felt my presence before he nodded and went back to the thing he is reading.

 We are always like this, not giving too much attention to each other but we always got each other's back when needed. I headed to my room and lock myself. I close my eyes as I lay down on my bed and feel the soft mattress on my back. I feel something shallow in my chest when I remembered how Dion treated me earlier. I was trying to spoil and take care of him but it turned out this way.

 I spent my day inside my room thinking. I ate lunch with Zhairo, had a small talk with him but he didn't mention anything about Dion, although I know he knew something. Perhaps mama and papa told him not to meddle with us for now. Even at his age, Zhairo could give you advice like an adult. He said it is the perks of being an introvert. He spent most of his time reading books and manga and watching Bakugan, and Dragon Ball.

 "So, how are you feeling?" I asked.

 He shrugged. "I feel fine. At my last check-up, the doctor told me that I am doing good. Don't need to undergo chemotherapy, as long as I am taking my meds and continue being healthy somehow."

 That made me smile. "I am glad to hear that. Just a little more time and you will be perfectly fine. Cancer-free."

 He smiled too and take a deep breath. "Yea. I can't wait to be cancer-free and do things that I should be doing as a teen," he said and started telling me his plans when he gets better.

 Aside from reading and watching Bakugan and Dragon Ball, Zhairo wants to try sports too. If it wouldn't be basketball, he wants to be a swimmer. He said he also wants to try a relationship which made me shocked.

 "You... want to try a relationship?" I asked.

 He nodded. "Yea. I wanted to try one, and I want to know how it feels like to be on a date, and the butterflies in my stomach and the loud beatings of my heart, they say."

 I was left dumbfounded after that. Here I am, thinking if I should take a risk facing what I truly feel for Dion, while there's my brother, planning to be in a relationship when he gets better, not thinking the risks he would take.

 After lunch, I decided to take a nap, but it turned out to be a few hours of sleep. Perhaps this is because of not having enough sleep for two days, I woke up when the sun was already setting. Somehow, having asleep without any dreams that would bug my mind when I wake up helped me clear my mind. I stood up and went to the bathroom to clean myself. While I was under the shower, Mr. Fidel's favor, Janice, Daniel, Caroline, and mama's words were running in my head. I didn't know if it is because of the few hours of sleep I had or the cold water from the shower pouring down on my body, but I came up with a decision that made the heavy feeling in my chest went away.

 Perhaps they are right, I was too overwhelmed with Dion's health situation that I didn't think of ways that we can make to make this one work despite the possibility that Dion might die. So, I decided to meet Dion at the place where he told me his feelings.

*****

 Fortunately, Dion agreed to meet me when I texted him. Now, my heart is beating loud, like any time, it would burst out of my chest because of nervousness. My hands are cold and slightly shaking, so I hid them on the side pocket of my cardigan. The cold breeze of the night didn't help either.

 After a few moments of waiting and I saw Dion walking towards where I am. I also saw Nurse Stell and Daniel giving me a thumbs up before they walk away, well, looks like they have an idea of what is going to happen.

 While Dion is advancing in my direction, Janice, Caroline, and mama's words echoed in my ears. Their words may be somehow different, but they give me the same message. I shouldn't be afraid to take the risk, I shouldn't let cowardice eat me, or else I'll regret the things I should have done but didn't because I'm scared and weak. And although we could end up in tragedy, at least, we tried. And before we end up tragically, I have to make sure that we spent the rest of our time making good memories before it all ends.

 Mother is right, after all. All of us will die, no one stays because we all are bound to die, though in different time and causes. What stays are the memories we made in this world before we go.

 I painted a smile on my lips as he gets nearer to me, and when he finally reaches me, he smiled back, though it didn't reach his ear.

 He was wearing a striped black and gray long sleeves tucked in his black pants, the sleeves are folded up to his elbow. Simple yet he still looks awesomely handsome, plus his brownish hair that compliments his facial features. He wasn't wearing his eyeglasses, so, his ocean blue orbs are on full show, staring at me directly, with the moonlight reflecting on it. It is the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.

 "Zhanaia?"

 I was too mesmerized by his eyes, like always, and I end up staring at them. I didn't know he has been calling my name several times, I just came back to my senses when he snaps his fingers in front of my eyes and called me again.

 "Earth to Zhanaia!"

 I blinked, "Ah... huh?"

 Dion sighed, "You've been staring at me." he said and I blushed.

 For how many times did he caught me staring at him and tell it to me face to face?

 "So, why did you ask me if we can meet here?" he asked as he turned his gaze to the river illuminated by the moonlight.

 "Uhm..."

 I don't know where and how to start. I just realized I came here and decided to meet him unprepared. Now, I don't know what to say. My brain isn't working to construct even a single word. I scolded myself for that.

 "Come on, Zhanaia. You just have to tell him that you are now ready to face what you feel." I told to myself.

 But no matter how I try, words wouldn't come out of my mouth. A minute passed and another one, still I couldn't say anything until Dion sighed.

 "You know, Zhanaia, if you are not going to say anything, then I better go. I want to rest," he said, but I can sense that he just want to avoid me, even earlier when I visited him.

 He turned around and start walking away. My heart beats faster than earlier, and I didn't know how I manage to shout his name.

 "Dion!"

 He didn't look back but he stops walking. Some couples who are also having their moment in this footbridge look at me with their brows furrowed, and then went back to what they were doing and shrugged.

 I took a deep breath and gather all the courage to tell him the reason why I told him to go here. I didn't care if others may hear me and judge me or whatever, I focused my gaze on his back. I have to voice this one out, it is now or never.

 "I... I..." I stuttered a few times but I calmed myself down. Tears were brimming in my eyes due to frustration and nervousness. "I... I am ready now, Dion. I am ready to tell you what I feel. I... I will face this one now, with you. Let us give our feelings a chance, Dion. Let us try to work this out."

 Silence.

 He stood still, not moving a single muscle to look back. A tear roll down my cheek as my heart clenched. I took one last deep breath and give all my heart to tell him,

 "Love me now, Dion. Because I am ready to love you too."

 I didn't know what happened next. It happened so fast like a lightning, and I just felt his soft lips pressed unto mine.