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Chapter 16
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2021-03-15 14:20:32November 30th, 1991
I cannot leave my bedroom. I cannot face him. I have lost my baby. My baby has slipped between my fingers, leaving me forever, never to come back. I feel empty. James feels empty. He has tried speaking with me, but I have nothing to say. There is nothing I want to say anymore. The doctor says that many women have miscarriages and it should not stop me from trying again, but there is a cloud of discouragement over my head. It floats there, never to go away. I want my baby. Goddess, please. I need my baby.
December 1st, 1991
I feel sad today. I feel sad every day. I want my baby back. Please, please, Goddess give me my child.
December 5th, 1991
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I immediately close the door behind me and turn to him with wide eyes. His scent is muffled and I can't tell if I am imagining him or not. "W-What are you doing here?"James nears me and my heart begins to race. The sight of him makes me feel secure, a warm feeling spreading throughout my shaking body. The darkness of my bedroom shadows his face, making him a figure in the night, something my eyes could be playing tricks with. Once close enough, the moonlight from my window lightens up his face and my throat grows dry. He reaches out to me, takes my hand in his, showing me that he is indeed real. "I'm here to finalize things, Rae," he says, his voice less smooth than it has been in the past.I struggle to speak, bringing me back to when I first met him. "You're going—you're going to reject me now?"
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I slept better last night after our conversation, after seeing him and feeling him again. It confirmed and renewed feelings I've held for him, feelings I don't know should exist, ones that may be wrong but inevitable. All I know is that when I saw him in my bedroom, a part of me felt whole.He's not the same as he was when we first met, I can see that now. He talked to me, opened up to me, came clean. It gives me even more hope than I had before, and that makes me nervous. In my mind, our story had ended when James told me he was here to reject me, but now so much has changed because of one conversation. One conversation and now I know that he wants me too. That's what James meant when he said he was bringing me home, right? He wants me there. He wants to try and fix things between us.I have to reroute my mind again. It was heading tow
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It has been almost a week since I've seen James and I can't help but worry. What if he's never coming back for me? What if it was all a lie? I can't die here alone. I just can't. These last few days I've put all my eggs in one basket. Tonight I sit in bed, waiting like the past few nights. My tiredness has been scared off by excitement and anxiety and a thumping heart.After another hour, I can't help but lay down. As much as I fight myself, my eyes can't help but close—I'll open them abruptly once I feel myself falling asleep—but soon I'm oblivious to everything around me. I am submerged in a dreamland.It feels like only a few minutes later when there's a gentle hand on my arm. At first, I think that I'm dreaming something incredibly realistic, but when my eyes open and the familiar shadowed corners of my bedroom appear, I
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James is no good. James is bad for me, for my mental health, my physical health, my everything. I let him fool me, I let myself believe that he cared for me. Thinking about it makes me furious with myself. How could I let him in? How could I kiss him and lay in bed with him? For all I know, he could have strangled me in my sleep. He could have contemplated suffocating me with the pillow he laid his head on.How could he hurt me again? How could I let him?James was never going to bring me back and love me like I let myself believe. I want to yell at him and never see him again at the same time. He's embarrassed me in front of my Alpha, gave me hope when there was none, and has the guts to lay in my bed with me, knowing that everything he's been feeding me is lies. He is a monster. He is cruel and manipulative.
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Both of the windows in my bedroom are open and the cool air floods in rapidly. Not bothering to keep myself warm, I sit on my bed in my pajamas, waiting for him. The room is dark. The only light is leaking from the bathroom, through the closed door. The Moon creates a glow in my room, all white objects now a hazy blue.It makes me feel as if I'm dreaming, this glow, these hues. I hold onto my pillow, suffocating it in my arms as my eyes stay fixated on the middle window, the one right across from me. The forest looks like a black, stormy ocean during the night, and he emerges from it like the beast who lurks in its depths. My heart races as I wait for him.The coldness cleanses me. My toes lose feeling and my lips turn blue, but I feel crisp, I feel fresh. The sounds of footsteps against grass bring my heart to a sudden halt, and I hard
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Maybe I'm an addict. Maybe he's my own personal drug, my own breed of liquor. When I look at him now, in the front seat, driving, I can't help but think about jerking the wheel and colliding with the monstrous tree just ahead. It's the call of the void. It's that one split second where the real darkness within seeps out and takes over. My eyes stare at the wheel, my hand fists my shirt, then I glance off out the window.I try to do things that are good for me, sometimes. I convince myself that I'm not going to give in again, but when you're addicted to something, who knows. Maybe I don't care anymore. Being hurt is familiar, unlike our moments when he's kind to me. Those moments are more frequent, and I'm worried that I'll grow used to them. Is it wrong to feel grounded when I'm hurting? I don't know anything else. What if I won't like being happy?
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Maybe I've been dreaming because no situation has felt as real as this one does now. My heart won't settle, my hands won't keep still, I have to take deep breaths every little bit to calm myself. It's only dinner. We've dealt with many more nerve-racking things before, but for some reason, this one scares me the most. It's the most normal. The most foreign to me.I brush my hair while standing in front of the mirror in my cozy bathroom, stroking the dark strands as it runs through. This seems to relax me. It's six thirty, and I heard someone walk down the hall a few minutes ago. Assuming it was James, my mind keeps wandering to him, wondering what he's doing. I think he's in the shower.I set my brush down and leave the bathroom to change. My robe is wrapped tightly around me as I rummage through the closet, already knowing what's in th
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I hurry downstairs after hearing James call for me, saying Theodore is here. Turning to the foyer, I find the two talking, but they don't seem to notice me. James is saying something quietly, sounding quite serious. Not knowing if I should interrupt, I hang back and drift closer, hoping someone sees me eventually. I watch as James places his hand on Theodore's shoulder. "Understand?"Theodore nods and his eyes find me. He motions and James turns around."Are you ready?" James asks as I walk in. Theodore opens the door for us, but just as I make my move to walk out, James holds me.I look up at him with a smile. "I'm ready to go.""Just be careful. Don't do anything reckless, andstay on the land."
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The sun's rays warm me, my skin illuminating with life. The golden glow brings a heavenly filter to the forest around us, like walls protecting our castle. This is our land, the True Alpha's. In the middle of the calm meadow is my home, James' home, our families home. In the trees is an army of men. His men. Guards that protect us from the jealous and the evil.In the morning I wake up and quietly tiptoe downstairs, meeting Gail in the kitchen. She hands me a cup of coffee and we sit together outside on the porch. I took her with James and me to the new house. She's family to us. I wish Theresa was here too, but she's passed away, she's in the Goddesses hands now."I can already feel him," I murmur, lifting the mug to my lips, warmed even more by the coffee, feeling as if true happiness is an external and internal warmth that makes one
Too Beautiful for the Alpha Chapter 36
I sit in the dirt, against a tree, the bark scratching my bare back, and I stay curled up. A thin fog gathers around me, the air frigid. My fingers lose color and I feel as if these are the sensations of death. Everything is cold, so painfully and relentlessly cold. The feeling in my toes fade and I contemplate shifting again to stay alive. I can't be too far, I can't be off of pack land. I should go back but I'm scared that his father will grab me again, that he'll choke me and cut me as he did his wife.'You didn't finish the diary, did you?'A harsh shiver overcomes me and I hold my bare body tighter, ready to shift even though my wolf is exhausted. This is what I get for not letting her out enough, she grows weak.I need to go back, I need to find James, he needs to know the truth
Too Beautiful for the Alpha Chapter 35
Making my way through the people again, back the way I came, I find James and ask him if we can talk. He gives me a worried look and excuses himself before following me back into the corner. "Is it about my father?" He asks. "The guards reported back that they saw nothing.""No, it's not. Ava told me about thisKing of Alphasthing. What is she talking about, James? How come you never said anything?"He lets out a breath and relaxes. "It's nothing. It's just some idea that a few people have been tossing around.""She told me that it was discussed at someAlpha meetingand that your name was brought up. If it's being talked about at some all-important meeting then it sounds serious to me."James gr
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Many strangers greet us as we make our way inside. Though I am familiar with the building from the gathering, it looks completely transformed. Sure, it was dressed up before, but everything is switched around now. There are fewer tables and instead more room for standing and chatting or whateverleadersdo. As my eyes scan the area, I see most people standing with a drink, in groups of two to five people. And unlike the gathering, there are guards at the doors outside and inside. Coincidentally, I spot Theodore with one other guard towards the back, and I immediately make plans in my head to see him.James places his hand lightly on my back, reeling me back to the current situation. Knowing that we'll have to welcome everyone, his movements towards the grouped people don't surprise me. I take a quick breath before we reach the first one, a set of three.
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"Do you like this one more than the last one?"I turn away from the mirror and shrug. "I don't know, Gail. They're all pretty, I just can't make up my mind, I guess."Gail picks up the next dress by the hanger and hands it to me, this time giving me a long, black dress with a slit on the left side, covered by lace. I take it and shuffle into the bathroom, tired of looking at myself in the mirror while I yank them on. Each time the bags under my eyes seem to grow darker and I contemplate just picking a random one from the pile just so we can stop. "Where do all these dresses even come from?" I ask through the door, pulling the dark fabric over my legs."James asked me to get you some things to try on for the party, so I did. Be glad that you have options," she says as I come out, spinni
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The blankets are soft against my skin. Light pours in through the closed shutters, giving a dim warmth to the room, and I feel his arms around me. I feel his shallow breaths just reach the back of my neck. I feel like another version of myself, one that I've never met, but one that takes away the anxiety and sadness that clouded my mind before. I'm still Rae, but I'm Content Rae. I'm Satisfied Rae. I'm Rae who just might be okay in the end.Right here, in this spot, I feel happy. It's a light, cozy happiness that kisses your cheek in the morning and again before you fall asleep. It's breathless and smells like home. It's a cracked but lush sidewalk, filling up the holes with color and life. It's summer days and nights on the beach, hearing nothing but the waves. Happiness is me and my one true partner acting as a team and not as enemies. It's experiencing my lowest point then my highest,
Too Beautiful for the Alpha Chapter 31
His father sits at the head of the table, James and I on either side of him. James constantly gives me reassuring looks, but I don't know if he's trying to reassure me or himself. It's clear that he's uncomfortable with this, me meeting his father. It only makes me nervous. It only makes the weird feelings grow."So, Rae," his father begins, taking lead, "what pack do you come from?""The Waters Pack," I answer timidly, not wanting to talk at all even though I agreed to this. I feel as I did when I first met James, hardly saying a word.His father nods. "And you're not of an Alpha bloodline?""No," I say carefully, "I'm not."He nods again. "Of a Beta bloodline?"
Too Beautiful for the Alpha Chapter 30
James took the diaries from my bedroom. He said I can't read them anymore. He put them in the library and locked the door and moved the shelf in front of it and told me to stay away. He said he was going to call the doctor but I begged him not to. I told him that if he did, I would leave. I was emotional at the time.I still have my books and my music and my mother, and I talk to her every night now. I don't care about our disagreements anymore. She doesn't know about what I did, though. If she did, she would drag me back home.I eat all of my meals with James or Gail and Theresa. I assume he told them so they can keep an eye on me. I shower with the door open and one of them sits in my bedroom as I do so. If I want to shave, they fetch a razor. One of them is always in the kitchen. They don't talk about sad things anymore, only positiv
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I walk on ahead through the trees as Theodore follows behind me. "How could she do that in front of everyone? How can anyone take me seriously after seeing her pour a drink all over me? No one is going to respect me as their Luna now. I'm a joke! I mean, look at me," I grab my dress and frown at the giant red stain. "I knew going to that stupid gathering was going to be a mistake. It always is. It was when I met James, too." I peer back at Theodore. "How could you take me out and not her?Sheattackedme.""You're drunk, Rae. If you actually got hurt I would be as good as dead."I roll my eyes and stumble along the path, tripping over rocks. "I'm never going to another gathering again. Never. Can we—can we even go back? Or is his father still there?"
