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Chapter 11
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2024-10-29 19:42:56Fiana flung the apartment door open, leaving Pam poised with her house key in hand. She gave Pam a haughty look and turned, walking back into the living room.
“I know what you’re doing,” Fiana spat.
The flame of the cigarette lighter towered over the end of the cigarette that balanced precariously in Fiana’s mouth before disappearing into nothingness when she snapped the lighter shut.
Pam followed Fiana into the apartment and kicked the door closed. She poured herself a glass of Wild Turkey whisky from the open bottle on the coffee table. Savoring the burn of the liquid as it slid down her throat, she watched Fiana pace the room.
“How’d you do today?” Pam asked.
“I hate it when you ignore me!” Fiana roared. “Don’t fucking ignore me, bitch. I said I know what you’re doing, damn it.”
“Christ. What now?” Pam reached out, when Fiana’s pacing bro
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Pam felt better than ever. Her lessons not only provided her with strong, valuable moves for self-defense against muggers, but they instilled a new type of self confidence in her; something she had never known before.They reached the end of their lesson time and she was still filled with pent up energy. Thinking their lesson completed, Darryl’s guard was down just enough to allow her to take him by surprise with a sweep of her foot. He laughed as he struggled for balance. Reaching out for Pam as he fell back he caused her to tumble on top of him. Laughter filled the air as Pam rolled off and the two lay, side by side, on the studio floor.“You are getting good. I need to be careful,” Darryl chuckled.Pam rolled her head toward Darryl and looked him in the eye. She was suddenly aware of how close she was to him. Her body tingled from the nearness. She prayed he didn’t notice. She hopped up and straightened her shirt. “Ye
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“Here it is,” Pam said as she freed herself from the arm lock she shared with Darryl and stumbled onto the first step of her brownstone apartment building.Darryl stepped back and on the sidewalk and craned his neck to look up. “What floor are you on?”“The third,” she replied as she sat down on the step with a thud. “Do you think we’ll make it?”“You mean, you. I better catch a cab,” Darryl said as she seated himself, a little more gracefully, next to Pam.“Oh, come on up,” Pam begged. “You can get a little coffee down you and meet your net friend, Fiana. I’m sure she’s still up.”Her hand flew up to cover her mouth as she hiccupped and blushed.Darryl seemed not to notice Pam’s hiccup, or distress over it, as he looked past her toward the building’s entry door.“Does she have dark, scary hair?” he asked
Toast With Jelly: The Tragedy of a Lesbian Confused Chapter 14
Pam entered her apartment to find Fiana sitting in her favorite easy chair smoking a cigarette and drinking a glass of whisky. Pam sat down in the chair opposite her and stared. Fiana continued to smoke and drink, seemingly oblivious to Pam’s presence.“We need to talk.” Pam said when she finally broke the silence.Fiana took a long slow drag from her cigarette before looking directly at her and saying, “So, talk.”Pam cleared her throat and reached nervously for a cigarette. This was going to be more difficult than she originally thought. She lit her cigarette and got up to pour herself a drink. Tossing the burning liquid down her throat, she squared her shoulders and, still holding the bottle, turned to Fiana and offered her more. If Fiana was aware of the offer, she made no sign of it.“Yes? No?” Pam said as she jiggled the whiskey bottle in front of her lover.“Your mother’s been worried abo
Toast With Jelly: The Tragedy of a Lesbian Confused Chapter 15
Pam fumbled in the kitchen cabinet for a clean glass. The apartment was getting out of control. What had Fiana been doing the whole time she was gone? That was a silly question. She was drinking, of course. All Fiana seemed to be doing these days was drinking.She reminisced about the early days when she and Fiana met. Fiana rarely touched a drink back then. She was a freelance writer for some of the top papers and magazines on the country; running all over the world to get the greatest and best stories.Pam noticed a change when Fiana returned from her trip to South America. Something happened during her trip, but Fiana refused to talk about it; denying there was any difference in her.Pam drew a glass of water from the faucet and popped two aspirin as far back into her mouth as she could without choking. She hated taking pills. She always felt that they would stick in her throat. But, she needed something to ease the throbbing in her temples that started durin
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Pam ignored the ashes that dangled precariously on the end of her cigarette while she sat sprawled on the sofa and swirled the ice in her whisky glass. She was brooding over the chain of events that recently occurred. The news on the local television station rattled in the recesses of her mind as the reporter gave a blow by blow account of a violent riot that occurred in the Bronx just that afternoon. When Fiana walked into the room it seemed almost surreal.“Pay backs are a bitch,” Pam mumbled.“Who’s doing what? Huh? Paying back for what? I’m missing something,” Fiana said. She stood and focused on the news, thinking Pam was referring to it.“I disappear, so you disappear,” Pam explained.“You knew where I was going,” Fiana reached for the crinkled pack of cigarettes that Pam tossed haphazardly onto the coffee table.“Not a clue,” Pam snarled.“Take y
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The lights of Ida’s six thousand square foot home twinkled invitingly as Pam’s cab made its way up the long, winding, tree-lined drive. Every muscle and nerve in her body stood at attention in readiness to face her mother. Ida’s estate gate keeper had forewarned her of Pam’s arrival so she was already waiting for her at the door.The soft music that was religiously piped into each room filtered past Ida through the open doorway and into the night. It gave the scene an artificial feel. Then, almost everything about Ida was artificial. She had artificial nails, artificial hair color, an artificial face lift, artificial breast implants and, most definitely an artificial personality. The only thing that Pam could think of that was real about her mother was her very real love of money. And why not? How else could she maintain such an artificial lifestyle?Pam pushed her way past the older woman, ignoring Ida’s outstretched arms, and bound
Toast With Jelly: The Tragedy of a Lesbian Confused Chapter 18
The distress on Darryl’s face when he found Pam standing on the other side of his apartment door, overnight case resting on the floor next to her, didn’t go unnoticed by Pam, but she chose to ignore it. Whatever was bothering him was something she would rather he kept to himself. Her night had been difficult enough without taking on anything more from this man. All she wanted was to sit down and relax with a glass of whiskey and a cigarette.Tired of waiting for what seemed to be a paralyzed Darryl to invite her in, Pam picked up the suitcase and walked in past him; plopping herself onto the sofa.This seemed to break the spell he was under and he closed the door warily, never taking his eyes off her.“What’s this?” he asked warily.“I didn’t know where else to go,” she said.Darryl remained with his hand on the door knob.“I see,” he mused aloud.Pam was too wound up to noti
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The smell of hospital cleaners assaulted Pam’s nose as she lay in the exceedingly uncomfortable bed and slowly focused on her surroundings. She winced in pain as she felt the bandages on her head, rib cage, and abdomen. Now she knew what the saying ‘I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck’ meant.“Hello, my love. How are you?” Fiana said as she put down the vase of fresh flowers she’d carried into the room and rushed to Pam’s side. “Ida, she’s awake!”Ida rushed into the room, followed by the two nurses she was talking to.“Oh, honey,” Ida wept. “Oh, you’re awake, how wonderful!”Two nurses hurried Ida and Fiana out of the room while they scurried about checking Pam’s vital signs and notifying the doctor of her consciousness.Ida paced the corridor while Fiana struggled with the vending machine at the end of the hall. It had been several hours since s
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One Year LaterChuck entered Pete’s diner, stopping just inside the door to ignite his e-cigarette. There once was a time when he was able to light a real cigarette. Oh how he longed for those days. The e-cigarette was lacking, but it was better than nothing. Progress and laws. Damn them both.As he made his way toward his usual booth. Stopping in front of the table next to it, he looked into the eyes of a fat woman who frequented the place around the same time as he did. She’d paused briefly from the gorging session she was having with a breakfast of bacon, eggs and pancakes swimming in syrup. He chuckled at her defensive glower before moving on.Pam limped toward Chuck’s booth with her pen and pad ready. She was grateful that Pete was willing to take her back, bad leg and all. Her wounds had faded enough to be able to cover with make-up, but the tendon in her leg had been severed and she would always have a limp. Eve
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Pam leaned heavily on her cane as she stood at Fiana’s grave site. She’d wanted to attend the funeral, but the doctor refused to release her. Ida took over for her. She notified Fiana’s few friends and relatives and then arranged for the burial. Ida assured Pam that it was a lovely service and, considering how few people Fiana knew, there had been a gracious turn out of mourners. Pam found that comforting.The wind was blissfully fierce, making the fact that Pam had hidden her face beneath her high collar understandable, while hiding the remnants of the angry marks on her face that were the real reason for her disguise.Ida walked up next to her daughter and stood, silently waiting for a signal of departure. Fiana had tragically drowned in the bath tub, but she had enough sleeping medication in her to do the job if she had not drowned first. Ida took great pains to hide the fact that it was a suicide from Pam. She was afraid the knowledge would only a
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Ida closed the curtain around her daughter’s hospital bed and pulled a chair up close beside it.“Why did you want the curtain closed, my darling,” she asked gently. “We’re the only ones in the room.” “It makes me feel safe,” Pam wheezed.Her chest was paining more than normal. The doctor insisted she was healing, but she questioned his wisdom.“Alright,” Ida said as she gently took Pam’s hand in hers and patted it lovingly. She was sorry to see her daughter in such a state, but was thrilled that it had somehow changed their relationship for the better. “What did you want to talk about?”“I don’t want to see Fiana anymore and she won’t go away,” Pam whined. As the words spilled out of her, so did the emotions that accompanied them. “Make her stay away!”The monitor next to the bed echoed Pam’s feelings and the room filled up
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Ida stared out the living room window of her daughter’s apartment. She’d arrived with the intention of tidying up its abnormal disarray. It had been quite a while since she’d visited Pam, but she couldn’t recall a time when the apartment was in such a turmoil. Something was terribly wrong in Pam and Fiana’s relationship, but then she didn’t need an apartment that looked like it suffered a mass mob looting to realize that. Pam’s actions of late were indication enough.She wished she was able to cultivate a better relationship between them. It was her fault, of course. If she had only stood firm and stood up to Chester on her daughter’s behalf. Denial had always been her weakness. Even as a young girl, as she watched her father, with his suitcase in hand, disappear down the sidewalk and into the darkness of the night she’d refused to acknowledge what happened. It wasn’t until she was a young woman preparing for college
Toast With Jelly: The Tragedy of a Lesbian Confused Chapter 20
Fiana hovered over the edge of Pam’s bed with tears of relief trickling down her cheeks. “I thought I’d lost you,” she said with words that were pinched with emotion.“You did,” Pam said weakly.Before Fiana could make sense of Pam’s barely whispered response, their conversation was interrupted by a clearly overworked nurse. Fiana quickly stepped out of the way; hovering in the corner of the room while the nurse silently checked Pam’s vitals. Satisfied with the readings she got, the nurse caught Fiana with her eyes and silently pointed to her watch before leaving the room.“Where am I?” Pam asked as she focused on her surroundings and tried to remember where she was and why she was there.“Memorial honey,” Fiana explained as she laid her hand gently over Pam’s hand. “They brought you in three days ago.”“I hurt,” Pam moaned as she slid her ha
Toast With Jelly: The Tragedy of a Lesbian Confused Chapter 19
The smell of hospital cleaners assaulted Pam’s nose as she lay in the exceedingly uncomfortable bed and slowly focused on her surroundings. She winced in pain as she felt the bandages on her head, rib cage, and abdomen. Now she knew what the saying ‘I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck’ meant.“Hello, my love. How are you?” Fiana said as she put down the vase of fresh flowers she’d carried into the room and rushed to Pam’s side. “Ida, she’s awake!”Ida rushed into the room, followed by the two nurses she was talking to.“Oh, honey,” Ida wept. “Oh, you’re awake, how wonderful!”Two nurses hurried Ida and Fiana out of the room while they scurried about checking Pam’s vital signs and notifying the doctor of her consciousness.Ida paced the corridor while Fiana struggled with the vending machine at the end of the hall. It had been several hours since s
Toast With Jelly: The Tragedy of a Lesbian Confused Chapter 18
The distress on Darryl’s face when he found Pam standing on the other side of his apartment door, overnight case resting on the floor next to her, didn’t go unnoticed by Pam, but she chose to ignore it. Whatever was bothering him was something she would rather he kept to himself. Her night had been difficult enough without taking on anything more from this man. All she wanted was to sit down and relax with a glass of whiskey and a cigarette.Tired of waiting for what seemed to be a paralyzed Darryl to invite her in, Pam picked up the suitcase and walked in past him; plopping herself onto the sofa.This seemed to break the spell he was under and he closed the door warily, never taking his eyes off her.“What’s this?” he asked warily.“I didn’t know where else to go,” she said.Darryl remained with his hand on the door knob.“I see,” he mused aloud.Pam was too wound up to noti
Toast With Jelly: The Tragedy of a Lesbian Confused Chapter 17
The lights of Ida’s six thousand square foot home twinkled invitingly as Pam’s cab made its way up the long, winding, tree-lined drive. Every muscle and nerve in her body stood at attention in readiness to face her mother. Ida’s estate gate keeper had forewarned her of Pam’s arrival so she was already waiting for her at the door.The soft music that was religiously piped into each room filtered past Ida through the open doorway and into the night. It gave the scene an artificial feel. Then, almost everything about Ida was artificial. She had artificial nails, artificial hair color, an artificial face lift, artificial breast implants and, most definitely an artificial personality. The only thing that Pam could think of that was real about her mother was her very real love of money. And why not? How else could she maintain such an artificial lifestyle?Pam pushed her way past the older woman, ignoring Ida’s outstretched arms, and bound
Toast With Jelly: The Tragedy of a Lesbian Confused Chapter 16
Pam ignored the ashes that dangled precariously on the end of her cigarette while she sat sprawled on the sofa and swirled the ice in her whisky glass. She was brooding over the chain of events that recently occurred. The news on the local television station rattled in the recesses of her mind as the reporter gave a blow by blow account of a violent riot that occurred in the Bronx just that afternoon. When Fiana walked into the room it seemed almost surreal.“Pay backs are a bitch,” Pam mumbled.“Who’s doing what? Huh? Paying back for what? I’m missing something,” Fiana said. She stood and focused on the news, thinking Pam was referring to it.“I disappear, so you disappear,” Pam explained.“You knew where I was going,” Fiana reached for the crinkled pack of cigarettes that Pam tossed haphazardly onto the coffee table.“Not a clue,” Pam snarled.“Take y
