03| alley

Serine

***

"Hey Dad," I smiled as I got into the two story home. "Hi pumpkin," he beamed and I went ahead and pulled him into a small hug.

"Are you okay? Did you take your meds? Do you feel different?" I bombarded."I was about to," he answered.

"Ahhh, of course," I rolled my eyes before saying, "Dad come on, you have to take your pills. Who knows what will happen if you don't. I don't want to even imagine, I don't even wanna think about it. You have to start listening to me," I sighed and he chuckled at me being concerned which I didn't find funny. "Not funny Mister. Nobodies even laughing," I hated it when my dad never listened to me. He was an aged man with lupus. At this point in life he might even-- I won't even say it.

"That's because it's only you and I," he looked at me amused. "Touché," I shrugged and went inside the kitchen. My favorite, yet not my favorite place to be at home.

Bulimia.

I suffered from bulimia. The day I found out wasn't a big surprise for my family and I, since it was known that we suffered from various diseases and disorders.

God curse the witches who cursed our bloodline.

"Did you eat?" I raised my voice so my dad could hear me. "Yes."

"Liar." I muttered and decided to heat some left over Chinese for him. While it was heating, I opened the fridge scanning for the perfect juice. Satisfied with Orange juice I grabbed the Lique Fruit box and once I closed the fridge, I jumped seeing my dad. "Dad, don't scare me like that," I notified holding my hand over my chest, frightened. Pouring the juice into the glass.

"I heated some Chinese for you-- although you said you ate. Liar," I opened the microwave.

Waiting for some reaction or response from my dad, I got nothing. Turning around and placing the food on the kitchen counter and I looked at my dad worried. "What's the matter?"

"I'm sorry pumpkin," I heard him say. "Dad what?"

"I'm so sorry, I have to leave you,"

"No, no dad what are yo- what's going on?" I asked walking towards him. "Pumpkin," I heard a voice from the other side of the room. I looked back seeing my dad walking this way.. What?

Looking up to my dad who was saying goodbye to me was no longer there.

Oh no.

My hallucinations.

I began to scratch my wrist with the strong nails that I've grown. Trying to respond to my dad who was not an hallucination.

I gripped the glass as tenaciously as I could but my body went full on lupus. And no, I don't have lupus. "Y-yeah I'm coming!" I stuttered trying my best to keep my composure. Yet the glass slipped from my grasp and the sight of Orange juice being splattered on the tiled floor made me body squirm. Something about liquid being spilt always seemed to make my body shiver.

"Pumpkin? Hey what happened."

"Nothing Dad. I- I jus-clumsy me," I nervously laughed. "Your hands are shaking," he stared at my hands.

"Don't worry dad it's nothing. I'll clean this up and you eat your food okay?" I said almost shoving the food in his hands.  "You sure? I can help you clean up," he suggested which I said no to. "You have to sit down dad. Come on. I'll clean up just go eat your food. No biggie," he hesitated before leaving the kitchen and I let out a  sigh and began scooping the broken glass.

Mom.

Suddenly I missed her and needed her. My heart seemingly ached at the thought of her.

I somehow maintained a strong connection with her.

She would still be here if it wasn't for me.

If she hadn't risked her life for me, she'd be here. I know it's silly thinking about it but that story that my dad told me.. that he avoids every time, gets me every time I think about it.  I quickly scooped up the glass and moped the juice.

"Did you eat?" My dad asked. "Yes, yes I did. I had lunch at school, I'll probably make something for dinner later or I'll just have a fruit if I'm not hungry,"

"Serine you have to eat." I knew if he called me by my name he was being serious. "I do eat dad."

"You're getting thinner by the day though." He pointed out. I fought with my entire body to prevent myself not to roll me eyes.

I hated people pointing out the obvious. Like hey, I see it. Don't make me feel any less bad about myself by pointing it out every time you see something different in me.

"You know my condition dad and don't give me that story of finding help. I was destined with this. Call me if you need me I'll be in my room doing my homework," I said not giving him a chance to speak before rushing upstairs.

Though, I didn't lie. I did do most of my homework and by that I mean only 4 subjects and I studied endlessly.

I glanced at the time on my screen and it was 10:32pm. I began packing away my notebooks and my study notes.

I rushed to the bathroom in need to wash my face. Once I got there I did what I needed to do and something else as well. I untied the necklace that around my neck, which had a key to a small box in the bathroom. I unlocked the box and opening it I saw a razor.

Nostalgia kicked in.

***

~Present~

"You're far from finishing this interrogation, we may need you for more questions." I sighed closing my eyes. "Can I at least be served some coffee?" I asked desperate to stay awake.

"Malu, she needs coffee," he turned to a girl who had her hair tied up, her navy blue jeans hugged her curves and and she wore a black tank top and a black jacket with her ankle heel boot.

"Next question: how did you develop your addiction with drugs?" I tilt my head back refreshing my brain. Taking it to five years back.

***

~Past~

I was panting my temperature probably 37 or 38 although I felt hotter. I wouldn't be alive if my temperature ever went over that.

Anxious.

I was anxious.

The white powdered packet was in my sweaty palms. Screaming to opened and used. I've seen how is easy it had been done on tv and I asked myself... Why would I be different?

I entered this alley for one reason and one reason only.

To try what everybody said made you feel happy. Even if it lasted for a short amount of time.

I can't remember the last time in was actually happy. The nightmares and illusions of people who never existed. My screams echoing in a warehouse as I kept hidden my darkest secret. That left me scared for the rest of my life.

I was only a little girl..

Did I deserve it? "You were born," I still remembered his words like he was right next to me. Like that very day he stole the only dignified thing I had remaining.

Happiness wasn't too much to ask.

Even if it was just for a second, I wanted all the voices of my oppressors to be just be simple echoes. I wanted everything to be just one big nightmare. Where everything that I endured would be erased mentally, emotionally and physically. I was tired of everybody else having an opinion of me.

I just wanted to be happy. I want to be happy.

Without another thought I inhaled the marijuana and I immediately fell in love with it's affect.

I was happy.

For a few minutes I was.

***

I connected the razor with my skin and I just immediately felt content, allowing the razor to do it's magic. Deep into my skin.

Relief and sadness ran through my veins.

"Cut in deeper you murderer! It's what you deserve right?"

Tears flowed as I cut deeper allowing the blood to flow.

"I'm sorry," I whispered and I was welcomed by darkness

~~~~~~~~~~