I'm so fucking tired, and yet my mind won't shut off.Once again, I'm wide awake in the middle of the night. I thought making bottles before bed would help me get a little more sleep, since I wouldn't have to actually think when it was time for Chance to eat overnight.But it doesn't really matter because my mind won't stop spinning. All I can think about is Sarah and the last conversation we had.The movement of the turnstile inside the microwave is almost hypnotic as the bottle goes round and round. It lulls me into a false sense of calm. And just like that, the memories start to invade my mind again."You're doing what?" I screech into the phone. I'm going to be late for work if I'm not careful, but once again Sarah has to be talked off a metaphorical ledge. "Quincy, I know you're mad," she said. "But things have changed - ""You are less than two years away from a degree," I chide. "Two years! Why the hell are you going to throw away two-and-a-half years of college to go to vocat
Practice is a lot of fun lately. Why? The rookies. We're watching them closer than before. Pushing them more, forcing them to show what they're made of. It's awesome.There's a lot of trash talking by the veterans, and you can tell the newbies are scared as shit. They have no idea where they stand, so they should be. Will they be benched for the next several seasons? Will they be practice players only? Will they be the next starter or even the next star? No one knows.One of them stands out among the rest, though. Rowen Flanigan. The kid is probably six one, so he is already on the tall side for a soccer player. His bright red hair, seriously white skin, and bright green eyes draw attention. If his name wasn't a dead giveaway about his Irish heritage, his looks would be.But that's not the only reason he stands out. The kid is a machine. As a draftee straight out of college, not only is he keeping up with the veterans, it looks like he may run circles around our current starting right
"Thanks for helping me clean out the apartment," I say to Geni as I tape up the final box. For the last few days, we've spent all our free time at Sarah's place.Once I tracked down the building manager and provided proof that Sarah had died, he gave us a full thirty days to clean it out. We didn't need thirty days to do it. There wasn't much.We had taken all the baby stuff before the funeral because I obviously needed to get Chance set up as soon as possible. A small crib, a swing, some clothes. It all looked secondhand, but it was clean and in good condition. The apartment was in a decent location. It was small but well maintained. There was healthy food in the fridge. The lack of bottles leads me to believe she was exclusively breast feeding, explaining one reason why he cries so much. She even had a few pictures of her and Chance in cute frames around the apartment. I made sure those came with us before anything else.I was really proud of my sister for what she had accomplished
"So how's it going with the baby?"Laurie, our caseworker from the Department of Family and Protective Services, sits with me on the couch in my apartment. Her kind smile is non-threatening. I like her. I feel like she has our best interests at heart. She's visited with us a couple of times over the last month, and I always enjoy talking with her.While I had been granted emergency custody of Chance the night of the accident, there is still a long road ahead of us. In order to obtain permanent custody or adopt, the state still has to do a complete home study, I have to take some parenting classes, and a few other things have to be processed to get through the red tape.They're still looking for Chance's biological father, because the law requires it, but Laurie assured me they weren't having any more luck than I was. That will make the entire process a lot faster since I'm Chance's only blood relative, which I am grateful for. Laurie is a really nice woman and seems to really want to h
I hate shopping on Saturday nights but once again I'm the dumb-ass who didn't plan ahead. I should hire a maid or someone to do my shopping for me.With my baseball cap pulled low over my eyes, I wander around the store, swinging through the grocery aisles before making my way over to toiletries. I can hear what sounds like a baby giggling. It makes me smile and reminds me I really need to call my sister, Blanca, in the morning. I haven't checked on her since she got married a few weeks ago, and I want to see how Aaron is doing as a new stepdad. He's a great guy, but she was adamant they wouldn't live together until after they were married. Something about the kids getting too attached before things were finalized.I get it. She had a really rough divorce from a total douchebag, who left her and the kids high and dry. They don't need to get their hearts broken again. I glance down the aisle as I pass by the baby items and barely register a woman with a giggling baby in a carrier stra
Quincy shakes her head in humorous disbelief. "I swear this kid has the constitution of a grown man."I bark a laugh as Quincy holds her nose and says, "Ohmygod, Chance, what did they feed you at day care?""Come on," I say, pushing past her and pulling her cart to drag it behind me. "Let's go over to that bench and get him cleaned up. There is no way anyone wants you to let that smell permeate through the store."She follows me over to the same bench we sat on before and unstraps the baby from the carrier while I spread the changing pad out on the bench and pull out a diaper and some wipes."How old is he now?" I ask as she sets him down gently and undresses him from the waist down. He looks up at me, and I'm sure he's trying to figure out why I look upside down. He smiles and reaches for my face when I lean down to talk to him and keep him distracted from the mess his fingers could be getting in down below."Four and a half months," she says as she grabs him by the ankles and hauls h
"I'm thinking we need to go bolder. Let's do purple streaks this time."I wrap the cape around her neck and snap it in place. "I don't think that's such a good idea, Sue. Remember what happened when you decided to do blue streaks? You were calling me the next day to get what you called 'that damn Easter egg color' out of your hair.""I don't know," she says as she looks in the mirror, fluffing out her hair. "I don't think I took enough time to get used to it. I think I jumped the gun on that."I look over at Geni, who is doing an all-over color on one of her regular customers. She winks at me. This is a conversation she has overhead between Sue and me numerous times."You will look like you are trying to chase your youth if you go with pastel colors," I say and brush her hair. "If you really want bolder color, we can do some really dramatic auburn lowlights and offset it with blonde highlights."If it was any customer other than Sue, I wouldn't be so open with my assessment. But Sue wa
I haven't been this excited about a date in a very long time. Don't get me wrong. I'm an extrovert by nature. I love going out and meeting people, going on dates, and of course, sex. But the idea of spending time with Quincy made it really hard to stay focused during practice yesterday.She's not the type of girl I normally go for, but the type of girl I normally go for will also drop her panties with just a smoldering look sent in her direction. I can thank David Beckham for bringing professional soccer the fanbase it has these days.I climb the stairs to the second story of her apartment building. It's an older complex but it's smaller, too. Three units on top, three on bottom. I knock on the door, noticing the landscaping is up-to-date and the building is kept up nicely. It's also in a pretty good neighborhood. It makes me feel better to know she's not living in a dump with a four-month-old.The door opens, revealing a frazzled looking Quincy, who is holding an almost naked Chance.
The snick of the lock unlatching when I wave my key fob in front of the door is the first real sign that life is going back to normal. Well, as normal as life can be after a new little human has come into the world. But as I step through the door and into the newsroom, I realize nothing has changed. The scanners are still squawking. Reporters are still making calls and typing. Televisions still glow with every local station and CNN ready to be monitored. The only difference is the person at the assignment desk."Hi Tom," I greet as I grab a huge stack of mail I'll need to sort through upstairs. There's too much to go through down here."Tiffany." He tips his head at me and goes back to his business. Tom took over for Caleb when he moved upstairs. He's a little older than everyone else in the newsroom. His hair and neatly trimmed beard are almost gray. He's pleasant enough, just sticks to himself. We definitely don't have the same kind of rapport Caleb and I use to have.That also mean
Rowen makes sure we're all settled before kissing me on the top of the head and throwing on his sweats. "What do you want to eat? My mam brought bangers and mash.""I'll leave that for you," I joke, knowing it's his favorite. "But do we still have any of that grilled chicken salad? I don't know why but it sounds really good.""Yep. I'll go grab it for you."The last three months have been an adjustment, but overall, it's gone really well. Cace is a great baby, but I didn't expect anything less with him being Rowen's child. Well, that's not exactly true. A part of me always remembered Ryan is his grandfather, so I know there's some ornery in there waiting to come out. But for the most part, he's very docile. Cries when he's hungry, fusses when he's wet, but otherwise even-tempered. And my in-laws have been wonderful. Sure, the men argue all the time about the safest way to hold the baby or the best cleaning products. Denise and I just laugh at the ridiculousness and let them hash it ou
"Keep doing that," I moan, grabbing Rowen's hair and pulling him closer to my core. His tongue still does magical things to my lady parts and today, he's going to town. Licking, nipping, and sucking as he inserts two fingers inside me, hitting just the right spot. "Oh, that's it. Right there… ohgod…"My orgasm hits me fast and hard, just the way I like it these days. He continues to suck on my clit as the waves overtake me, riding me to that sated feeling I love. But he's not done yet.As soon as I've come back down to earth, he kisses up my body, paying special attention to the scar that now mars my abdomen. When I look at my stomach, I see flabby skin that hasn't tightened up yet and a knife wound. But Rowen tells me it's beautiful. That it's a reminder of the sacrifice I made to give him the best gift he's ever received - our son. Coming from anyone else, I'd say they were full of shit. But coming from Rowen, I know he means every word. Because of it, I still feel beautiful. It al
"I know you'll be here when you can, Mom," I say through FaceTime on my phone. "Really, all we're going to do for the next few weeks is sleep and eat anyway. Maybe bathe."Stroking the top of my son's head, I watch as he suckles on my breast. Yes, the dull pain of breastfeeding is there, but that doesn't take away the surreal feeling of being a new mom. It's amazing."I know." My mom sighs. "I'm just mad at myself. Of all the times to fall down some steps and break an ankle, this is the worst."I giggle lightly. "I still can't believe you did it at the gym.""And right after my kickboxing class too! I had just shown everyone what a badass I am, and three steps took me out.""Any muggers with ill intentions better beware of running into you in a back alley. Unless there are stairs involved." "Well, hopefully in the next few weeks, the doctor will clear me for travel. Then I'll be on the first plane there.""Sounds good to me." Baby Cace squeaks and pulls away from my breast, nuzzling h
The thoughts are overwhelming. I've never been this happy in my life, and I've only seen him for a split second. Lifting my head, I look around trying to catch another glimpse. Apparently, I'm not as subtle as I think I am."Would you like to see your son? You can go over there."Nodding, I stand up and follow the person over to a small table where my son is lying down, clearly unhappy by being poked and prodded. I don't blame him. I wouldn't like if all my glory was on display in front of these strangers either."Can I… can I touch him?" I ask tentatively, not sure what I'm allowed to do right now."Absolutely," the person says. "And talk to him. Babies like familiar voices."Slowly, I get closer, still in awe that I'm looking at my son. My son. It feels like I'm walking through a dream. Reaching down, I touch his tiny hand which immediately stretches and grabs my finger. The contact makes me suck in a breath. He's real. This is real. It's not a dream at all."Hello there, mo mhac. I'
I have dreamed about this day for months. Thought about every scenario on how it could happen. Planned for any situation. Prepared myself in every possible way.Except this one.Not one part of me anticipated I'd be standing in the hallway of the hospital wearing drab green scrubs with a matching surgical cap, waiting to join my wife in an operating room. And yet here I am, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't more nervous than I've ever been in my life.It's not just the operation. Yes, that is my immediate concern. As much as I like Dr. Hermann, he's getting ready to cut Tiffany open and pull our son out through a gaping wound. I'm sure there's more to it than that, but it basically boils down to that, and it's scary. What if he cuts the wrong part and he can't stop the bleeding? What if he accidentally cuts my child? What if she gets a major infection? The horrific possibilities are terrifying.Taking a breath to refocus my thoughts, I try to remember all the positives. Tiffany won't
I can practically feel his surprise when he shifts, situating us face-to-face. Thankfully, my doctor and my father-in-law have started chatting again, so Rowen and I can have some privacy. "Tiffany, this is just a change in the play. You of all people know how easily it can happen. I know this isn't soccer, but it's not that different. We go into every match with a plan, but sometimes it doesn't go like we expected. There's an injury or a new goalie." I smirk at his reference to the issues the team had early in the season. "The objective is always the same, but how we get there doesn't matter as long as we do. It's the same thing here. It doesn't matter how he gets here as much as it matters that it happens safely for both of you."I sniff again, but my tears have all but dried up. "We've been deflected."He nods and smiles at me. "Exactly. It's a change of play. But in the end, when we're holding him and taking care of him, we'll forget about everything except that we won."I chuckle
A low murmuring pulls me from sleep. I know it's only been a couple hours, but I feel so much better than I did. Damn that epidural for being as amazing as everyone said it would be.Peeling my eyes open, I roll slightly onto my back to see Dr. Hermann and Ryan chatting like old friends. A few seconds of eavesdropping and I finally catch the source of their newfound connection - Ireland. Apparently, Dr. Hermann spent a summer backpacking through Europe and caught a couple games when Ryan was in his prime and playing in front of his hometown fans. I'm sure the tales are tall right now, but at least their relaxed chatter means nothing wrong is happening on my side of the room.Glancing around, I finally catch sight of my husband who is sleeping soundly. I'm glad to see him getting some rest. He's been trying so hard to be strong for me. It's not gone unnoticed. But at last count he'd been awake for thirty hours. It was wearing on him."Ah, iníon sa dlí, yer awake."Ryan steps toward me a
Another eight hours. Another one centimeter dilated. Almost. I may be rounding up out of my own feeling of desperation. This entire experience is not at all like I expected. Not that I knew what was supposed to happen. Sure, we'd taken a birthing class one Saturday, but that was months ago when our schedules allowed us both to be there. And it never told us what would happen if Tiffany's body refused to do what it should. At least Tiffany's sleeping now. About four hours after the Pitocin began, she started crying, saying she couldn't do it anymore. She'd been awake for almost twenty-four hours and had been in some form of labor for over half of it. Plus, once the drugs kicked in, her contractions went from being painful to downright excruciating. It didn't take much convincing for her to finally decide to have the epidural. But it did take my Mam physically moving me out of the way to help her through all her fears - fear of a needle in her spine, fear of the drugs hurting the baby,