III

Thankfully, I have a spare key for our car so I enter it once I reach the mall’s parking lot. I can still feel my insides shaking as I try to calm myself down. I lock the car from the inside and hug my two feet. I am still trembling. I am afraid. I have thought I am ready but I am not. I just cry there, feeling disappointed in myself. I left my mom there. I ran away. I should have faced my demons, but I ran away. Clearly, I am a coward.

After a while, I feel mom open the car, I do not dare to lift my head up. I just lay there motionless as she put everything that we have bought in the compartment. She thanks some of the staff who have helped her and give them tips. They say thank you while they leave. My mom then enters and while she is closing the car door, she reaches out to me and kisses my head. She then starts the car’s engine.

I still feel guilty. I have run away. I do not think that I deserve this love she is giving me. I can feel the tears on my cheeks as I unconsciously let out a soft wail.

“Darling…” My mom tries to break the silence but I can’t find my voice to reply. We arrive at our house like that. I go straight to my room and lock myself there. After hours of turning and churning on my bed, I decided to go downstairs to drink some water, I notice that my mother’s room door has been left ajar and some dim light is evident in the hallway. I take a peek and find my mom silently sleeping, her back facing the door. I go inside and close the door. I slid in beside her on the bed and hug her from behind.

“Mom, I’m sorry for what I did earlier. I guess I’m just not ready to face people, yet.” I whisper and I notice the I wet her pillow. I feel her body move and face me, my face on her bosom. She hugs me back.

“It’s okay, my dear. I understand. Sleep now. I know you were tired. I love you.” She whispers with her closed eyes and kisses me on the head. Then, I find myself dozing off to a deep slumber.

Tomorrow comes and my mom wakes me up through the smell of brewing coffee and cooking bacon, eggs, and sausages. I feel my stomach grumble as I try to go back to sleep more.

Sleepily, I drag myself out of her room and my mom greets me, “Hi Sweetie! My Darling is awake!” She is taking the plates towards the table.

“Why didn’t you wake me up, mom?” I ask her.

“You were sleeping peacefully, I don’t want to ruin it.” She winks at me. “Sit, Dear, the food is ready. I’ll just get you your coffee.”

After giving me my coffee, My mom also sits on the chair opposite me.

“Mom, what happened to the grocery store when I left?” I try asking. As much as the idea scares the hell out of me, I’m still curious about what has happened.

My mom is taken aback by my question and puts down her utensils.

“Are you sure that you want to talk about this?” My mom asks me with worry in her eyes. “It’s not that something bad happened while you ran away, I was worried about you not really wanting to talk about this but you have no other topic to open that’s why you’re asking me.”

She drinks her orange juice. You see, my mom is not really a fan of coffee. While I, maybe because of writing, my body has gotten used to coffee, and now my headaches when I can’t drink an ample amount of it within the day.

“It’s okay, mom,” I assure her. “Maybe, one of the causes of my anxiety is not knowing. I don’t want to stay in the dark anymore.”

I have already thought about this last night while I have been in my room. I have come to a conclusion that what has happened there will definitely help me cope up with everything. If the people inside the grocery store start to talk good about me, I will take it as a sign of hope. If otherwise, I’m never going outside the house again… I guess.

I see my mother smile brightly, “The customers were ecstatic to know that you were there, the woman was even in a panic to get herself a pen and piece of paper but you ran away.” She giggles. I look at my hands under the table.

“Darling,” She calls to me, “The world is not that bad. It might be raining now but the sun still shines somewhere. You only have to go on.”

I fall silent.

“I know, mom,” I said.

“Anyway,” she reaches out on her side for a paper she has been reading. “I got this yesterday while I was exiting the mall. I would like to bring you here to relax” She smiles at me and gives me the piece of paper.

On her hand, I see a pamphlet.

“What is this?”

“Just read it.”

It’s a pamphlet of The Passion House.

“Mom?”

“Shall we go visit?” She smiles.

“I’m not quite sure.” I trail off. “I still get nervous around people,” I tell her.

“It’s okay, Darling.” She assures me. “The Passion House is mostly famous for its amenities which is believed to be accessed only through… a dream.”

I get dumbfounded.

“Mom, this is not the time for a joke,” I tell her and she laughs.

“Really, Darling.” She smiles when she can control her laughter.

“How does that even work?!” I ask her with all the sarcasm in the world.

“We will never find out if we don’t try.” She smiles at me.

I look again at the pamphlet. It turns out that today is going to be the 60th founding anniversary of the hotel. Everyone who will visit the hotel until this midnight will be given a chance to have a chance of winning a lifetime guaranteed life in a cruise ship that sails around the world. I mean, although it is good to be true and seems fictional, who doesn’t want that right?

I put down the pamphlet and find myself staring at my room’s white ceiling and let out a sigh. I do not notice that I have gone back to my room already. I am mostly scared. It has been a while since I last met with people.

It is funny. Just a month ago, I have been used to crowds and even loved gatherings. Now, I will rather stay home and enjoy the company of my pillows and blankets. I let out a sigh. After a while of deliberating, I stand up from my bed and go to see my mom. The living room is empty as I call out for her.

“Mom?”

“Yes, Sweetie,” She replies with a soft and distant voice. “I’m out here at the garden.”

I go out of our living room and enters our veranda. There, I see my mom on her gardening clothes- the one with horizontal black and red striped white long sleeves, jumper denim, and gardening gloves- digging through the dirt. It seems like she is planting some seeds.

“What are you planting, Mom?” I pry.

“Oh,” She looks at herself.” I am planting some pumpkin seeds that I have bought from the store yesterday.”

“Can I help?”

“Sure!”

I go down there and she makes me hold the seeds as she continues to do the dirt. She does not allow me to do it because she says I am not wearing the proper clothes.

“Mom, I was thinking.”

“What is it?”

“Let’s go to The Passion House tonight.”

I admit she got really surprised by what I have said.

“Really?!” Her eyes light up as she realizes the message I am implying.

I nod. “Nothing is really going to happen to me if I keep myself inside the house all day.”

She hugs me. “Thank you, Darling.” I can hear her voice cracking from suppressed tears. “Thank you for helping yourself.”