Fifteenth - Moon

“IS THAT true?”

How could you say if something is real or not? How could you say if the ladder you're taking would bring you up or down? How could you say if everything you oversee are real or just all fantasy?

How could you realise if you are just fooled by?

When someone guide your path going to the truth.

As I brought myself inside Crizeliah's office, my voice immediately filled inside the entire room. I was in a sudden stun when I notice Tax stand from his seat as he saw me but my system is too preoccupied in Crizeliah, making me have no time to think why Tax is even here after being not around for the whole week.

I stopped infront of Crizeliah. I badly want to sue her. I stared directly in her eyes.

“You took so long to find out,” A small smile curved in her lips.

“Crizeliah..” I heared Tax muttered who's watching us.

Is fooling was already naturalize to do in our lives? Or was it still kept in an awful part that was just use in the self interest matter? Matter that could made them feel pleased? Is it already fine to fool someone?

Cause to being fooled was and would never be.

“Why did you fooled me?” I asked, almost whisper as of the repugnant felt inside my system. I feel so fooled. She played me through her hands. Tax is just watching us but I know that he's ready to pacify us if ever something happened.

Crizeliah didn't answered. She was just looking at me while playing a pen in her finger. In that case, I felt a heavier mix emotion in my chest. Parang gusto ko nalang biglang hablutin ang pen sa kamay niya at itusok nalang iyon bigla sa mga maya niya. Damn, I never realize when did I start getting too brutal in my thoughts.

“WHY DID YOU HAVE TO FOOL ME!”I shouted infront of her.

“Asth..” Tax tried to reach my hands but I resist and keep on staring at Crizeliah.

The hatred and loathe was seriously hugging me. I was fooled. I was looked like stupid around them. I couldn't stop thinking since yesterday about what Crizeliah have done to me. I couldn't stop thinking why. I couldn't stop overthinking about how other we're looking at me and thinking how pathetic I am being too speculated that it was real while they all know that I was just being fooled by them.

Damn them all.

“Watch you tone, Asthreittle,” She said.

“Why did you fooled me?” I uttered, still holding my temper.

“Take a seat,” She gestured the single sofa beside.

I stared at her. I can't believe that she could handle being chill afterall.

“I can't believe you,” I uttered “Pinag mukha mo akong tanga,” I clenched my jaw.

She looked at me.

“It's just in your perspective, Asthreittle,” her face turned serious.

“My perspective? You fool me, you lied to me. You.. you played me,” Hindi makapaniwala kong sabi.

I couldn't take it. I can't believe her.

“Calm down,” She uttered.

“Calm down? Tingin mo... Tingin mo kakalma pa akong ngayon nalaman kong pinag loloko niniyo akong lahat?! You played me! You fooled me! You made me look stupid around!”

I suddenly glanced at Tax, thinking if he knew anything about this.

“You misunderstood things,”

“Then what?! Tell me!”

“Asthreittle, did you really think that I would give you a real spot in the committee? Akala ko ba hindi mo gusto? Why is the sudden mad now?” she asked. Wow, it's my fault now?

I fisted my knuckles.

I thought we're friends since we've been together for a weeks because of that damn website. I though we were already considering each as a friends but why is this?

“Did you know na... na pumunta ako sa office ni Yzo para mag withdraw my position but then I'll just knew that I'm not even part of the committee in the first place?”

She clenched her jaw.

“Asth, kalma..” I heared Ta, whispered.

Crizeliah was just staring at me. I don't know what she is thinking but I hope she have any words and acceptable excuse to me.

“You used the whole committee to played me along.. Pano mo nagawa 'yun saakin?”

I saw Tax's eyes widened upon before looking at Crizeliah.

“Tell me, why did you do that?” I asked, almost losing words.

“Why are you even affected. It's all well favorable in your sake!”

“EIC ka na niyan?!” I exclaimed. All I see is a clench in Crizeliah's jaw and an unidentifiable emotion in her eyes while Tax is just silently watching, seems like don't know what to react.

“Look, Asthreittle—”

“You did that para wala na akong choice 'diba?” I uttered and stepped closer to her table.

Marahan siyang napalunok.

“You did that for me to do your fucking favor!” I slammed my hands over her glass table.

“Asthreittle, tama na!” Tax said.

Ang inis sa sistema ko ay nag susumamo, I don't know how to calm myself anymore.

“You told me that it was already submitted para wala na akong takas! Ginamit mo ang pangangailangan ko para makuha ang gusto mo, Crizeliah. Ginamit mo lang ako! At gagimitin mo lang ako para sa sarili mo!” I screamed. Neverminding if someone might hear us. Damn them.

“Yes. Ginamit lang kita. Okay ka na?!”

Slap.

The sound of a hard slap is what roam in the whole office. A hard slap that it made me stiffed and my palm left of in the air with Crizeliah's face facing the other side with her eyes widened.

Bumilis ang pag hinga ko. I take back my hands while it's all trembling as of shock.

“Asthreittle!” Tax exclaimed after what I did.

“If this slap made you feel fine, I'll accept it,”

I looked at Crizeliah amusedly as she uttered those words while being stiffed at the sideways. She's not looking at me.

“No,”

She slowly looked at me and when our eyes finally met, her sharped eyes fixed on me.

“You'll still work with us, Asthreittle,” She said intently and firmly.

“No,” Mariin kong sagot pabalik kabang nakatitig sakaniya.

“You still have my money!” She growled on me with an anger in her eyes.

“That's why I'm saying no, Crizeliah,”

I moved closer to her before taking the check she have gave to me as she offer me this damn thing which I hid in my pocket bag as I went here and slapped it the the table right infront of her.

“Your shitty money,” I said before ever leaving her dumbfounded.

***

How was really it when something you thought just standing as a little thing in our lives would perform something deep within our chest? I don't know but after the last day I saw Crizeliah, something amended in me. Maybe nasanay lang ako sa halos araw araw kong nakikita ang pag mumukha niya? Maybe I still couldn't move on about the fact that the person I treated as my first ever friend in this year would fool me? Would just stay along with me cause she just need me to execute something would please her?

Maybe ganoon talaga. Not everyone we treat as a friend is treating us the same way. But are we even friends?

Considerably, we are seeing each other for a month, we have talked of course always regarding to the website, we somewhat have fun and teases each. But are we friend? I don't know. Hindi naman kami ganoon ka-close. We're talking but not alike other friends who's telling secrets with each other. Maybe masyado lang akong considerable to people I'm talking with that's why I marked them as a friend.

I took a deep breath.

Ang lamig talaga rito sa roof top. I wonder why do other people leaving in this building aren't paying any time to went up here. Feeling ko tuloy ay dalawa lang kami ni Xheidan ang nakatira rito dahil parang solo namin ang roof top but, that was kind of favorable in my part, it's better na wala ang iba, nakakarelax kapag walang maingay.

After this day, I was looking forward on what would happened in the following days. Wala na akong iisiping website, hindi na ako papasok ng maaga for a meet with them and lastly, I don't have to risk my own creep anymore if they want to go somewhere to take their loving document. Maybe itutuloy ko nalang ang matagal kong balak mula noon na mag sideline so that I could earn money by my own shred of sweat.

Muli akong huminga ng malalim.

I don't know. Parang nalulungkot ako but pleased at the same time. Nalulukot ako 'cause I don't know if I have to see them anymore the fact that I already left that group. I'm please at the same time 'cause I know I did my own right decision. I'm proud to myself cause I did something that I know is best for me. Focus nalang ako sa study ngayon.

“Tumabi ka na saakin, nahiya ka pa,” I breathed but not looked to Xheidan at my back.

“Tss,”

Kanina ko pa naririnig ang mga steps niya sa likuran ko. I just don't understand why he is here. Siya na ang lumalapit saakin ngayon, ah?

“You looked like you want to scream,” I heared him uttered as he was already right beside me.

I thrown somewhere the piece of paper I was holding mula pa kanina. It's blank so bahala na ang matamaan.

“Hindi lang looked, gusto ko talaga,” Sagot ko nang hindi tumitingin sakaniya.

I heared him breathed heavily.

Napaisip tuloy ako bigla kung ano ang pwedeng isigaw. Someone told me before that if there is too much inside your mind you can't handle, you can scream it and something would lessen. I don't know if Keilos said that or whosoever.

“Why don't you scream?”

The buildings infront of us were so huge, hindi talaga ako mag sasawang panoorin and night time city the more that I'm at the high place, libre pa ang lamig sa paligid.

I the sudden snap, I looked at Xheidan with my brows knitted.

“Bakit kinakausap mo'ko? Bago 'to, ah?” I asked with a little smirk in my lips.

I just realized that how ever huge my irritancy, I would still like to tease Xheidan all the time.

“'Cause you're a human and you're capable of talking with?” He answered.

Tumahimik ako. What would I expect in Xheidan? I know what ever I would shot in him, he would just catch it nonetheless. All I want right now is peace and silence.

I looked at Xheidan. He's now looking up to the moon. I did the same thing.

“I know what happened,”

“Malamang,”

He breathed.

“You're scary when mad, nananampal,”

Saglit akong napatahimik.

Damn. Why do he even need to flash it back to me?

”Moon is so bright and peaceful. I hope my life is, too.” I uttered.

“Why? Paano ba ang buhay mo?”

I faced him and grin from ear to ear.

“Interesado ka talaga saakin, 'no?”

He gasped and rolled his eyes, still staring at the moon.

“You're always asking questions like that but this time, you sounded not the same way like before,”

I looked at him, flabbergasted as of his words.

Natikom ko ang bibig ko nang bigla siyang tumingin saakin. He pressed his lips together and then looked back to the moon.

Bahagya akong napangiti. I was still in pissed awhile ago but now, maybe it get lessen although I'm not screaming yet. Dahil lang sa masungit na ito.

“My life is... just a typical life of a typical person. Hindi kami mayaman tulad niniyo. I'm just a senate scholar, that's how I could study in the university. I'm only daughter of my parents but they were taking care of my nephew from a cousin so that they have a child in the house. I have a bestfriend, he's also studying but in a different university, pareho kaming scholar. Ahm, tapos when I was in juniors school, nag sideline ako bilang panidera sa bakery ng tita ko, that's how I could attend some seminars,”

“Tss, parang history na ang kinuwento mo,” Xheidan said.

I smiled immediately curved in my lips. He asked to he must just take it!

We ate by a silence in that sudden moment. My lips is all curved in a smile the whole time while staring up to the moon together with him. It's kinda nice to be with Xheidan in somehow. I felt so good even though I don't know if we're friends or what. Nakakatakot nang mag declare that I am friend with someone and then they were not declaring me to theirs like the same way.

Just afraid if they were just needed me while I am here, treating them as a friend.

I looked at him. Those eyes occupied in the moon. So deep.

“What do you love the most, Xheidan?” I asked suddenly.

I saw him swallowed.

“The moon,”

Saglit akong natahimik and secretly smiled although kanina pa ako nakangiti.

I thought he'll answer that he love himself the most 'cause he's always like that, right? He love himself. He would let go of anything basta maayos siya. Naalala ko tuloy one time when he got a fight with our classmates because everytime they want to be first and the one who took a credit, hindi nila makuha dahil si Xheidan lagi ang nakakauna. Ewan ko ba. Masyado siyang competitive but napaka sungit naman. Kahit kay Crizeliah in the classroom, he keep on competing.

“But did you know what I hate the most?”

I looked at him.

“Love..”

The day after that is weekend, the day that the Senator asked me for a meet up in a coffee shop near their office. In that case, I was already feel a tremble in my system. The Senator never asked for a meet up urgently. I hope there's nothing wrong. Or if there is something around, sana hindi masama.

“Mr. Senator..”

I stopped infront of his table where an attache case is over. He looked at me and gestured the chair infront of him. I was somewhat bothered if anytime I would greet my nails as of nervous for something might come out right now.

“Kumusta ka?” He asked.

Mr. Senator isn't frightening person, maybe natatakot lang ako ngayon dahil sa recent na nangyari. I was also bothered if he knew that I somewhat lied on my excused in him last time. I hope lang talaga. Sana, sana.

“Ayos lang po, Mr. Senator,” I answered, trying hard not to stutter. I know him, he's seriously smart and if I show some act that could made me looked nervous, he would already know that something's wrong and I'm bothered. Alam niya rin kung paano ako kumilos dahil sa tagal na pag kakakilala niya saakin.

“How's school?” He sipped over his cup of coffee while looking at me directly.

He's not old but his voice is seriously baritone, I could say that he and my parent's age weren't afar. I was also treating him as a father since then so why am I over reacting now? Feeling ko mamaya ay biglang iba na ang tanong niya kaya kinakabahan ako.

“Maayos po. We had an activity last day and gladly that I got one of the highest score in individuality. Malapit na rin ho ang exams so I was already looking forward through it that's why I'm starting to review..” I stated.

When he asked, I know he's not just waiting for a simple answer like as if I'm a grade schooler. When he asked, I must state the informations and precisely dahil hindi niya gusto ang mga simpleng sagot. Just like me, when I asked someone and their answer is just like a grade schooler made, I would think that they were silly.

“Mabuti,” his cup put in the saucer create a sound that filled between us.

Gosh! Kinakabahan ako!

“I have talked with your Dean,”

DAMN IT!

Shit! Hindi ko alam kung paano ako mag rereact. Okay, Asthreittle. Calm down. He won't brought up something about the committee. Calm down.

“I'm not surprised anymore to know that you're one of the outstanding students in the seniors,”

I slightly bite my lower lip as I nodded.

“But I'm surprised to know that you're not part of the committee you are saying, or am I just mistaken? Huh, Asthreittle?”

Napalunok ako. Damn it! Fuck! I don't know what to say! I don't even know how to react. I was caught off guard.

“Hindi ko alam kung kailan ka pa natututong mag sinungaling,”

I blinked. Biglang bumalik ang nangyari kahapon sa office ni Crizeliah. I was mad, totally mad to the point that I slapped her. I was scared that the Senator might knew it and in that case, I never know that what I have use to him as an excuse wasn't even true.

I lowered down my head as of embarrassment.

“Why did you cut your classes? Huh, Asthreittle?”

Mariin akong napapikit, getting out of words to say 'cause I don't want to tell the truth either, cause telling the truth means exposing the website who's helping this country to achieve the real justice. I couldn't sacrifice that.

“Asthreittle..” He asked once again as of a minutes past but I was still muted.

I just bowed.

“Answered me!”

Nagitla ako dahil sa lakas ng boses niya. I look around and see some looking at us. I just bite my lower lip and closed my eyes. I don't want to cry, hindi ako mababaw.

“Sa ilang taon na pag kakakilala ko sayo, you'd never done this! Why did you to do this?”

Damn. I want to defend myself but I don't know how. He's right. I never had done this and if I tell him the reason, I know he'll be mad even more. I know lying was never been a good idea but I was already praying na sana ay totoo nalang na parte ako ng committee so that he won't get mad and at least he would consider my excuse.

“Look at me,” He said seriously.

Kinakabahan akong tumingin sakaniya.

“Is there any problem you're facing these days, Asthreittle?”

I slowly shook my head.

“Then what's happening on you?” His brows were knitted.

I got muted once again.

The senator hold on the grip more tighter and he then sigh.

“Fix yourself, Asthreittle. Ayaw kong magkaroon ng dahilang isipin na sayang lang ang perang ipinagpapaaral ko sa'yo.”

Nang makabalik ako sa apartment ay hindi ko napigilan ang hindi pag iyak. I cried all night in the bed while thinking about whag happened. Hindi ko napigilan ang emosyon ko.

What if he decided to remove my scholarship? It would seriously pained me. The mix emotion is already hooking my entire system. I was damn.

Nahihiya ako sakaniya. I was ashamed for that such act, hindi ko nga manlang nagawang sumagot sa mga tanong niya. I was too afraid if what I might use as an excuse would end up as a lie cause there's noway for me to say the truth. Ganon nga siguro iyon. There is always something in our lives that would literary made us chose between something again. Between saying the truth or not.

Buong gabi akong umiyak. I was never been a crybaby but now, I felt like crying.

I got into a fight with Crizeliah, left the group and them Mr. Senator being mad. I was also afraid if my parents would knew this. I don't want to disappoint them and more on to lie in them when the time comes that they would asked me why. I don't want that.

I wiped out my tears and pull out my phone, planning to call my bestfriend Keilos but I'd suddenly stopped myself as I realized something.

If I call him and he knew this, he would asked me why I did that in the first place. I'm not sure if I would tell him even though he's my bestfriend.

I covered myself by a blanket.

I got this. Ayos na ito, infact I'd already left that group, hindi na madadagdagan ang kasalanan ko. For now, I have to stop from crying. I have to review as of the upcoming examination.

I went up to the rooftop matapos ang pag dadrama ko. I even checked out my reflection in the mirror to see myself and I end up laughing at as of my ugly face. Darn.

I brought my notes and books in the rooftop together with my lamp. I have think of spending my night hour in that relaxing place so that I could have a temporary calmness. Forgetting everything that have happened.

I started reviewing despite of the strong slap of the wind. Malamig at tinatangay ang mga pahina ng mga notes ko. I closed my notes and hold on it tighter in my horror na baka liparin iyon apu fa sa king saan.

I pressed my lips together.

Studying here is not really a good idea.

“Who in a right senses would study up here?”

I looked at Xheidan who's now standing beside me. When I looked at him, I caught him looking directly into my eyes. I also noticed how his expression changed as he saw my red eyes dahil sa pag iyak ko kanina.

I awkwardly looked away.

“Wala ako sa mood,” I muttered and fixed my things.

“Did you know why I love staring the moon?”

I looked at him after getting stopped from what I was doing. What is up in him right now? Bakit kinakausap na niya ako?

I could remember how he said last night that he hate the word love but using it in his phrase right now. Can't he realize how ironic he was?

“'Cause it's beautiful and perfect?” I said what exactly he answered me before.

“'Cause the moon is the only one I have..”

Napatitig ako sakaniya.

“Loving the moon means being safe from any pain,”

Xheidan is just staring at the moon with his hands in his pocket. Pakiramdam ko ay ibang Xheidan ang kaharap ko.

“It's better to love the moon. It can't destroy us unlike of people around who are capable on doing that..”

My eyes were fixed in him. Those words... I never expect Xheidan to be like this.

“The moon won't judge me unlike others do..”

I looked to the moon too and licked my lips.

“The moon won't ever leave me unlike others would do..”

He swallowed. I could see the truth in his eyes. Baffle, twirling upon full of heart made feelings. Pakiramdam ko ay nakikita ko ang Xheidan na hindi pa nakikita ng iba.

“Kahit lumubog pa iyan..”

He looked at me.

“Babalik at babalik 'yan..”

Our eyes were both stucked in each of us. Ang paligid... hindi ko na ramdam ang pag galaw.

“Just love the moon, Asthreittle...”

I swallowed hard.

“It will never hurt you..”