Flash back

4 years ago...

“I met someone”, those words were like a slap to my face through the phone. Seems like my long-distance boyfriend–not–boyfriend Kayden just broke up with me.“I–I don't…know what to say” I reply, feeling numb with shock. “I'm sorry Nova, but I'm tired, not of you, I love you, but I'm tired of the fact that I can't see you when I want to, I can't touch you, I can't kiss you, it's just hard Nov it's hard”. I take deep breaths and say “I understand Kay, if you want out it's fine, I can't force you to do anything you don't want to” “you really understand?” “Yeah, it's cool”. I hear him breathe a breath of relief, and I involuntarily smile to myself. I take another deep breath to calm the tsunami of emotions swirling in me and ask “so, what's her name, age, character? Come on, give me the deets”. He laughs over the phone and says “her names Catherine,16, she's smart, funny, witty, sarcastic. She's basically”…….“me. She's basically me Kay, congratulations my friend for you have found my replacement. Well, at least you won't miss me too much. Wait–who the hell am I kidding, you won't miss me at all, replacement or not” I say, my voice having a hint of something I can't decipher. But I guess he could, (decipher it I mean) because the next thing he said was “Nova, I'm so sorry, I really I'm” “It's okay Kayden, I'm okay. I can take a bit of rejection, don't you think?” “You don't sound okay Nova, are you—” “I'M I WHAT!! I'M I WHAT, KAYDEN. I'm I fine? Did you break up with me just so I could hurt? Did you do it, so you could see the weak side of me, the vulnerable side? I've shown you every side of me, I've told you everything about me, every secret and every pain I've been through. I told you when I self harmed, for God's sake I told you that I once had a friend with benefit, what girl fucking shares that with her boyfriend that, but I DID, I FUCKING DID KAY”.

Take another deep breath and realize that I just fucking yelled at Kayden. I palm my face and start stuttering apologies. I stop, suddenly realizing that he is not saying anything,” Kay?” I call out and check my phone, thinking he's hung up on me. He hasn't, and before I could call out again he responds by saying “Wow” huh, has his brain jumped out the window? Who says “Wow” after a girl he just broke up with yells at him through the phone. I surprise myself and apparently him when I say, “you really love her don't you?” I slap my hand on the phone speaker and whisper shout to myself“ what the fuck!!!! Where'd that come from?“ I ask myself before realizing that he's still on the phone. I wonder if he's said anything, I put my phone back on my ear just in time to hear him say.“ What the hell do you mean?“, to my dismay, I blurt out again “I mean your love for her has made you lose a few brain cells”. Slapping my hand on my mouth, I mumble a quick sorry and as the madman he is fast becoming, he starts laughing, and I'm like “what's so funny?” and he says “God, you're so funny” and I say “Huh, I'm freaking mad at you, and you're calling me funny. Unbelievable” I scoff and that sobers him up. “Oh, you don't sound mad” “I seriously do not blame you, you're now so occupied with her issues that you've forgotten that I don't like to burden people with my problems. Including the ones who are the cause of my issues”. I deadpan just so the atmosphere could ease up a bit, he chuckles and says for the umpteenth time “I'm sorry”. I groan and say “If you say that again I'll make sure I get the number of your girl and make her shove a stick up your ass for me”, he laughs and says “whatever Nova, i have to go, she's here for our date” “Wait!! What are we now? Friends, strangers, take your pick” he chuckles and says “Friends. We're friends, I don't think I could ever stop being your friend”“ Great, so pick up when I call?“ “Absolutely” “Could I say this one more time” “Shoot” he says sounding like he already knows what I'm about to say “I love you” I say and hear him take a sharp breath “Not for long” he says sadly and hangs up. I slump back on my chair, feeling sad and like I have this massive load on my chest, weighing me down, making my lungs burn with the absence of air in them. I trudge upstairs to my room and lay down on my bed. As I go over everything in my head, two fat tears escape my eyes making a trail down to my chin, betraying the words I've been chanting in my head to not cry. I wipe them off but more follow and soon I burst into full-blown sobs. I curl into a ball and cry into the night before my eyelids finally close and I'm taken away by sleep.

I wake up with a heavy heart the next morning, looking into the mirror I feel a sudden the revolt towards the person staring back at me, I hate myself for crying over someone who clearly doesn't deserve me. Turning the tap on, I wash my face and clean it with a towel before undressing and running myself a hot bath. Mum and Dad should be downstairs making breakfast, so I have to look like I didn't cry to sleep, I can't let them see me like this, hell I can't let myself see me like this. I bring a lemon and cucumber out from my mini fridge, I cut the lemon in half and then rub one half on my face and neck and keeping the other half in the fridge, I take two slices from the cucumber before keeping the remaining one in the fridge. I slip into my jasmine scented bubble bath and then put the cucumber slices over each eye, I stay there for about 5 minutes before washing the soap and lemon off my face and body. Staring out at me from the mirror is a slightly in control teen, the dark circles are gone, the eyes are no longer red but look dull, my alarm rings, and I'm reminded that it's almost time for orientation, it's my first day in college and Kay was supposed to wish me good luck. The tears threaten to fall, but I hold them back, no more tears, I've got to be strong, he's not crying for me so why should I cry for him. I know that sometimes I'll break, but I promise myself this day that I'll come back stronger any time I fall or break down, crying won't solve anything, love won't solve anything, I need to focus on my studies and probably learn self defense, I would rather not be someone's damsel in distress. I carry my phone and search for a Martial art and self-defense studio close to my school and sign myself up online. Now that that's done I go to my walk-in wardrobe to bring out my outfit for the day, I bring out a black and white long sleeved, hooded crop top, a high waist black jean and a pair of a black and white Nike shoe. Going to the mirror, I add a little mascara, black eyeliner and clear non-stick lip gloss, I don't need any more makeup on my pretty face, very narcissistic of me I know but in case you haven't noticed, I no longer give a damn. I grab my black beanie and my small backpack, my suitcase is already at the hostel in school, hopefully by next term my dad would let me have my apartment. Taking a quick full-length pic and posting it on F******k with the caption: Orientation day, wish me luck. Almost immediately, my friends reply with “good luck, you'll do well, you rock girl”, my overactive best friend replays “my baby is finally in college, I'm a really proud momma (crying emoji)” I respond with an eye roll emoji. I get downstairs and greet my mum and dad good morning, rushing my breakfast, so I'll be able to catch an early train. I kiss my mum and dad goodbye at the train station and start my journey, it's an hour-long trip, so I'll be there in time for orientation.

The train stops, and I text my dad that I've made it to the train station before taking a cab straight to school. I pay the cab driver and tell him to keep the change, I'm feeling generous today. It's a pretty big school and I have to crane my neck way up to see the top of the building, written in bold letters at the top is the name of the school “SIGMA INSTITUTION OF TECHNICAL (SIT)”, I look at the big gate and take a deep breath, time to take control of my life.