13. Catharsis

Her eyes were uncontrollably polluted with confusion and fogged suddenly of a large and thick mist not coming from tears in her eyes but rather of a fainting consciousness. Alexandra blinked hardly, battling to gain still her sensibility.

Darkness gradually crept into her vision. But she combatted not to give in. With dimmed eyes, Alexandra turned to look at Mother Superior.

But… what she saw was horrifying.

The elder nun was smiling devilishly at her. A diabolic expression painted all over her face.

She gasped for air, slightly shook her head, and blinked again. Her eyelids are now drastically heavy and sticky with the drowsy sensation of closing her eyes still.

Alexandra couldn’t hold a grip of time anymore. She could not feel her feet touching the ground like she was floating.

Time was ticking dull and tedious.

It was when her eyes were shut closed and completely devoured by the obscure and uninvited eclipse eating up the light of her vision. She caught a glimpse of the two nuns for the last time before she dozed off to unconsciousness. Her heart, pounding a loud and banging beat - a rather dire and portentous beat, enveloping her distorted and disturbed psyche to finally lay a single touch of her life before everything else was fragmented.

"What is it that you want?! You old, rugged, woman. You call yourself Superior? Huh! Such a shame that you have such an obsolete function now, for you are already rotting. Each breath you take is monitored and counted by death. Just wait until death succumbs you old woman! How dare you play as a mediator between me and this slut and pretentious nun?!"

Alexandra spoke with such apex aggression. She didn't recognize herself in between her speech. Rather, she did not even acknowledge it was herself talking all those hostile insults and quirks. She was just like moving her mouth while someone else is voicing out for her. Someone, just lurking within her, quietly observing her every action. Someone, just waiting in queue for her cue in the spotlight.

And, this is now her time.

"Alex... Calm down you are talking to Mother Superior..."

Sister Helen shrugged to keep Alexandra still from her seat. She motioned her hand to Alexandra's shoulder but the young lady brushed it away harshly.

"You don't tell me what to do. This is my life! For fifteen damn years, you denied me for sole reasons that you still insist to hide!"

Sister Helen couldn't help her burst of tears as well.

It was both a discharge of graveyard emotions for her and Alexandra. But, the only difference is the intensity of aggression present between them.

Alexandra was raging with depth anger, while the young nun has rather a reticent and well-boxed ire - a fractional remainder that takes the form of an unsettling memory; just lurking behind her placid appearance was that of indignation and hatred that crept down a predetermined choice of annihilating her father using her own hands. But all of that was weighed down by guilt and sorry for what she did to her daughter, half of her blood, Alexandra.

That's what Catharsis is all about.

It is the outpouring of emotion. And no, it isn't just limited to the emotion of anger. It can be of bliss, or melancholy, or disgust. Yet, ironically, anger is the best medium of Catharsis. It is best felt when one is on the verge of aggression and the brim of any likelihood of hostile behavior. Catharsis is the manifestation of what you truly feel, especially of emotions quelled and silenced. It feels ecstatic when it occurred to Alexandra, even more than just reaching an orgasm.

Yet the only distinction between is the label and the intensity of the pleasure. Orgasm is a stage, Catharsis is an episode. Orgasm lasts for quite heavenly savored seconds only, yet Catharsis is a gradual process, all in escalating ferocity.

That is what Alexandra is feeling. She is in a state of Catharsis. She is outpouring her emotions, like digging deeper and deeper all the water in the well until there is none left to dig. And you just find yourself peeking through the darkness of the cylinder bricks, hoping to confirm that the ground floor is already drought of water. Unintentionally you blurted out your disappointments through the well, and it replied with more magnitude of disappointments at you.

That reply from the unknown darkness is how Catharsis manipulate.

And Alexandra is overwhelmed by such delirious pleasure she is in.

The only person in the room that is not crying nor touched by the scene is Mother Superior Feliciana. She was just quietly observing, quietly listening, quietly waiting for the exchange of rants to cease, so she can finally speak.

"Why? I just don't understand why am I victimized by people for their personal interests. I only wanted to belong. But what do I get in return? Selfishness. Curse. My life is a curse."

Tears were all over her face. She sounded so pathetic and mournful.

However, there was an abrupt lift of her sorrowful misery. A swift morph suddenly occurred to Alexandra's facial expression.

From the confused and meek image to a certain and adverse alter. She plastered an unrecognizable smile blended with such a stingingly heightened gaze. The pretense was sharply breaking the even of conscience and compromise.

"Well, I was just in time."

Exactly then, the voice was new. It was deep, yet masculine.

It appeared that Alexandra was not like herself. The young lady gives off a very strong personality, an intimidating aura that was very unlike her usual facade. 

It was like... someone superseded Alexandra.

"Alex... I know it'll take a long time before you can forgive me. But I will wait, love. I will wait until you are ready to process the truth. I will wait till you are back to your senses. I will wait until you can finally accept me, not as Sister Helen, but as your mother."

Alexandra raised her lips into a smirk.

"I have no mother, and you, woman is no mother to me. You are shameless! As long as you wouldn't expose the deeper truths about Alexandra, directly spilling out what had happened to her, you will remain to be no one but a whore."

From that remark of Alexandra, Sister Helen couldn't help but be puzzled because she ain't certain if she heard it right, that Alexandra was speaking indirectly to herself as if she is referring to someone else.

"Alexandra, what are you talking about? Don't say that dear. Your life is precious, and so are you. Please pay respect to your mother."

Mother Superior finally snooped in the conversation.

"Shut up and fuck you old woman! Stop pretending to be an ally of goodness. We both know what have you have done to poor little Alexandra."

Alexandra uttered those words in such a dramatic tone. She curved a strange smile, a smile either mocking or taunting. 

"How do you like being spanked, Mother Superior?"

This made the elder nun uneasy; painted on her face is an inexplicable expression of haunted and rather deranged memories.

"Alexandra Dorias! Come over here!"

Three years old Alexandra came rushing towards Mother Superior Feliciana. The moment the little girl reached the elder nun, she received a twist in her earlobe and a spank on her behind.

She arched and screamed in pain. She was then dragged into the office of elder nun.

"Hands in the air!"

Alexandra raised both her arms and feet slowly and unsteadily.

"What have I told you? Huh? I told you not to talk to boys! I told you not to be close to your opposite sex! Why do you keep opposing my commands? Who do you think you are huh? Who do you think you are?!"

The elder nun kept spanking the little girl using her hands. Little Alexandra couldn't do anything but cry.

"Listen, Alexandra, listen! Don't just cry because I ain't gonna be moved nor take mercy on you. What you did is unforgivable. Chant 'I'm sorry Mother Superior, I won't do it again' now."

The little girl helplessly recited in between her sobs.

"I'm sorry Mother Superior, I won't do it again. I'm sorry Mother Superior, I won't do it again."

The little girl cried rather than recited.

Suddenly, Sister Helen entered the office of the elder nun and was horrified by what she witnessed.

Alexandra laid upfront above the wooden table just about her length, with hands and feet on the air. The little girl's body was shaking, not just from the pain but also from muscle spasms concentrating on her torso traveling up to her arms and down to her legs, making her off-balance and wobbly.

The young nun sympathized with little Alex. The little girl looked at her begging for help. She turned away to shed a tear she couldn't withhold.

"Oh, here you are Sister Helen."

Mother Superior acknowledged the presence of the young nun.

"Aye, Mother Superior." she just bowed her head avoiding eye contact with the elder nun and only used her peripheral vision looking out to Alexandra. She just can't face the scene directly, so that was her last resort to do.

"See, Alexandra? Sister Helen over here is just the mirror of you. A transparent and blood-linked reflection of you. However, I'm not going to let that happen. As early as now, I am going to shatter the mirror into pieces!"

The elder nun turned to look at Sister Helen who is now shaking.

"You should know Alexandra, I am doing this because I don't want you to commit the same mistake as Sister Helen did. Not another disgrace!"

"Mother Superior, please stop! Alexandra wouldn't be able to understand. She is so young and she ain't capable of accepting such a harsh truth about her."

Sister Helen pleaded with her head still bowed down.

"Oh no, Sister Helen. It seems that you have misunderstood me. I haven't spoken about anything yet, in fact, you did. Thank you for the introductory speech. But just so you know, Alexandra wouldn't be able to remember any of what we've talked about. Because she is just a three-year-old little girl, and she will soon forget the whole of this scenario. Haven't you heard of such a thing as infantile amnesia? It's this, Sister Helen, Alexandra would only be able to remember a sparse recollection of her memories in her early childhood, and it is at this age of hers right now as well. All of this will be vague when she grows up. So if I say, Alexandra, you are born out of the negligence of oath, you are the bastard daughter of a nun, your mother is the ever nurturing Sister Helen!"

The elder nun shouted at the same time snapped a mocking laugh at the little girl who is silently weeping, and praying that she'll be out in the situation she is in. The Old Superior spanked her again after a gap that was the length of her exchange of conversation with Sister Helen.

"What can you say, Alexandra?"

Alexandra heard all of it. Everything. Every thing.

It was all hard to process from such an early cognition she has now, but it was enough to curse and resent herself for the identity she has to face.

At three years old, she already knew the truth about her. But growing up she wasn't portraying that she didn't know.

Rather, she did know, but only in the back of her fragmented mind.

"Mother Superior stop now please!"

The elder was stunned and was kept quiet for a moment.

"Okay, Alexandra, you should be thankful Sister Helen came. She came in to protect you. Now stand up, child."

Alexandra struggled to stand up for her legs were feeling wobbly. Then, Sister Helen hastily rushed towards her and aided the little girl. She carried Alexandra in both her arms and rested the girl's head on her shoulder.

"We shall go now, Mother Superior."

"Sister Helen, this is such a betrayal. Now, put Alexandra down. We aren't finished."

"Mother Superior, please have mercy. Alexandra doesn't deserve to be treated like this, let the girl rest."

"So now you are speaking like you know what to do like you are more superior than me? Put her down Helen!"

Sister Helen roughly gulped her made-up saliva. Her vision is getting unsteady, on top of that, she is already boiling with rage inside of her.

"Alex... hey sweetcake," she whispered to Alexandra who now resting on her chest with a curled body indicating that she is afraid, "I'm just gonna put you on the couch, okay? Leave it to me, all is well now that I'm here."

She smiled sincerely at the little girl. Alexandra smiled back, and it was like a sign of courage had sprouted within the young nun.

She placed Alexandra on the couch, which was positioned just adjacent to the punishing table. The little girl curled herself, hands hugging tightly both her knees.

"You already know what to do. Just like the old times, Sister Helen."

Sister Helen, with clouded eyes, nodded in response to her superior nun.

She positioned herself on top of the table and lied down upfront with hands hung in the air. Just the exact picture of little Alexandra earlier. 

"Should I repeat the chant Sister Helen?"

Sister Helen shook head eagerly, yet with difficulty balancing herself in such a position.

"I'm sorry Mother Superior, I won't do it again. I'm sorry Mother Superior, I won't do it again. I'm sorry Mother Superior, I won't do it again. I'm sorry Mother Superior, I won't do it again."

Sister Helen arched with pain as she had just been spanked by the Old Superior the moment she started chanting. It was preceded with another, and another, along with an escalating degree of pain.

"Give more conviction Sister Helen! You are just reciting it rawly!"

Sister Helen clenched her jaw and continued reciting the mantra that had reminded her of the roomful of mistakes she did in her life. Alexandra loosened her embrace onto her knees, and she just spent the rest of the hour witnessing the horror in front of her eyes. Sister Helen took her place and received the punishment that was rather meant for her. She turned to the Old Superior, who is taking every bit of delight out from inflicting pain onto others.

"So how was it, quite a show yeah?"

Alexandra snapped the Old Superior from hanging in deep thinking, rather a recollection of the horror she once was towards little Alexandra and Sister Helen.

"How was it recollecting what you perceived as sparse content of memories? How vivid was it Mother Superior? How was it viewing the horror you starred in that scene in front of your very own eyes, just like how I was back then, yeah? Did it go well taking my place for a moment? Poorly been beaten, poorly been the victim of your sadism obsession. That's what you get from deceiving people that you are a model of goodness and holiness you conceitful bitch. Hiding behind a goddamn lie. You are a fraud! That poor girl was only three years old, yet you caused her so much traumatic and tragic memories she didn't even deserve."

A deafening silence filled the four corners of the room. Alexandra stood tall, seemingly strange yet renewed.

"However, I thank you for that, because I was created in the midst of that crisis you rotten maggot started.  I am here already. I have already subsided from my deep sleep. And I will continue to protect Alexandra. So if I may, where are the fucking papers that I need to sign? I wanted to leave in this hell you disguised as a shelter."