XXI. Dearest

Cara

A shiver ran through me. The wind was harsh and the sweater I wore hardly helped but I was still here. I wouldn't leave.

The forest had become one of my favourite places to be, specifically the spot where Ivan and I first locked lips. The place had changed slightly, now it was colder and the flowers were not in bloom but I still liked it.

It reminded me of a time when I was happy, when Ivan was the wonderful man who rescued me in the woods and not...not a vicious monster who I'd watched rip a vampire to pieces.

The memory of his hands on me, his weight pressing on my body came back as the wind blew the forest's peaceful scent into my senses.

I no longer feared this place. My love of it strongly overpowered my fear.

I saw on the ground with my back pressed up against a tree trunk and my knee pulled up to meet my chest. This was my comfort position.

This cannot be avoided any longer ,I tell myself. I was quite the procrastinator. For weeks I had managed to avoid reading the letter my mother wrote to me, simply because I did not want the image I had of her to fade into something else, something possibly worse.

Pulling the letter out of the large front pocket of my hoodie, I opened it up. The penmanship was unfamiliar but beautiful nonetheless. The f's resembled my own, curvy and long, just how I had been taught to make them.

Dearest Cara,

My sweet beautiful daughter. It is through tears of guilt that I write this to you, my first words to you since we last spoke.

I have never stopped loving you. In fact, my love for you grows more and more with each passing day.

My, you have grown. I only know this through the pictures your father sends me monthly, a promise he made to me when I left. I have kept them for you.

You are beautiful, with hair like your grandmother's,  long and stunning. I imagine it is very soft.

You are kind, loving, warm- everything I could never be. It is hard to believe that you carry my blood in your veins. You truly are a blessing.

You have questions, I understand that. You must hate me. God knows I hate myself more, for leaving you, so young, so innocent.

It was not my wish to abandon you like I did, I pray you know that. The last thing I wanted was to leave you but circumstances gave me no choice at all. For your safety.

You will understand in due time. Hopefully, you will find it in your heart to forgive me for what I have done.

I pray to the gods that I may see you soon. Once we meet -on your terms, of course - I will explain everything.

Till we meet, know that I love you, my dearest, Cara.

Mom,

With love.

It was as if I had stopped breathing. The tears blurred my vision, preventing me from seeing. It was suddenly so cold.

With shaking hands, I ran the tips of my fingers across the surface of the paper, over the words : Mom, With love.

So many questions were left unanswered. The weight that ever pressed on my chest remained. Now I was even more curious, more anxious to know the woman who wrote this letter.

The words, they were hers, to me -for me.

For years I had felt abandoned by her. She had instilled in me a fear that everyone may leave me if I was not careful and now she was telling me that it was not her wish ?

Uncertainty hung in the air like a thick moist gas. There was so much I was not sure of, so much I did not know. I felt like an idiot, like a newborn child, discovering the cold, loud, cruel world.

Suddenly I heard a sound behind me. Instinctively. I reached for the lacrosse stick I had carried for 'protection'. A stupid move, I admit, the only thing this stick could keep away was a squirrel and a small one at that.

My heartbeat quickens at another sound, this time it was closer, like its source was right behind me.

I hastily stood up. Taking one last breath, I twisted around swinging the stick in an effort to hit whatever was behind me.

"Ahh! Shit! "Someone cursed. I was able to see just who I'd attacked.

I knew him. I had not forgotten him even though it had been months since I last saw him but I never forget a face or a name.

"Jasper?"

The youthful looking man rubbed his head where I had hit him. A pang of embarrassment washed over me. Then I became suspicious. What was he doing here?

"You're fast. Impressively fast."

Ignoring his compliment and the surprise in his tone, I asked, "what are you doing here?"

"Am I not allowed to be in the forest?" The blonde answered my question with a question. I was now  more suspicious of his intentions here. He was hiding something.

"Were you following me?" The accusatory words abruptly left my mouth, never to return. I found myself holding up the lacrosse stick and in a rather defensive manner. He stared at it blankly, a smile tugging on his lips.

"I wasn't," he threw back,  "you're the one in our territory."

Suddenly something struck me, I was on private property." This is Ivan's property," I mutter to myself.

Before I can longer dwell on the thought, an even scarier thought strikes me. Jasper knows Ivan and Ivan is a werewolf or whatever Kogo called him.

"Are you... like him? Like Ivan?"

He smiles.

"In a way."

At this point, I can hear my heartbeat in my ears like a loud thundering drum. It's almost deafening.

"Relax. I won't hurt you. Ivanov would rip me to pieces." He held his hands out, almost touching me but I stepped away.

Rip me to pieces. Rip me to pieces. Rip me to pieces, the words played and replayed in my mind like lyrics from a broken record player.

The last memory I had of him flashed in my head. He was holding Mr.Hoff's broken, mangled form just about to throw it across the room.

I think that the only thing that was keeping me from running the other way as fast as I could was the fact that though Jasper was like him, never before had I seen him act as viciously as Ivan had.

Jasper's eyes and voice screamed 'danger!' ,'run away' but he was also alluring. Something about him called you to him, same as Ivan. They were clearly dangerous and at the same time magnetic, attracting you like a moth is to a flame. Perhaps that is what made them so deadly.

"So is this supposed to defend you?" I hear him ask, eyeing the stick that I gripped so tightly. I did not respond.

He laughed loudly, mockingly proving my earlier point, this could not defend anyone against anything unless it was a cowardly squirrel. It wasn't even a long-stick.

The sound of rustling leaves diverted my attention away from the laughing man. Behind him approached a short boy who was about my age, height too, with only what seemed to be a torch in his hand.

His hair was strikingly dark, falling over his face in curls. He was not handsome like the man he now stood next to. Mean as it may sound, it was true, he was not handsome at all, just ordinary and plain.

Now that he was so close I realised that he could have actually been shorter than me.

"I clearly told you to remain behind!" Jax snapped at him, his tone rebuking and harsh.

The boy was quiet, taking a short step back and casting his eyes down.

"Who's this?" I inquire feeling the need to defend the strange and clearly defenceless boy.

"His name is Aeren." The name was a little strange but nice anyway. It fits him perfectly.

"Aeren. Ren. Nice name. "I flashed him a smile as he raised his head up. His stare met mine. There was something about him... Starting into his green orbs I felt as if I'd known him forever and I would know him for the rest of my life. The boy just carried a feeling of familiarity with him.

"You are Cara. I have longed to meet you," he suddenly spoke. His voice was refreshing, not deep like Jax's. It was soft and it sounded wise and a little curious.

His eyes shined with child-likeness.

He was easy to read. I could tell he was not at all like Ivan and Jasper or even like Hoff -a vampire. He seemed human but special nonetheless.

I nodded, confirming to him that I was indeed Cara but I wasn't sure how he knew my name.

Jasper stared at him down and the boy looked down fearfully.

The contrast between the two males was great. One was short; the other was tall. One was big; the other was painfully small.

"I want to tell you that as much as you fear him, Ivan truly cares for you. He desperately cares for you... He is as close to a brother as I will ever have again so I beg you on behalf of him to open your heart to him. He has waited far too long for you, Cara."

***