Share
78
Why am I hiding? Because I’m scared … The overwhelming realization of what I’ve just done is drowning me. Jake’s anger and aggression are scaring me. I’m suffocating, and I can’t think straight. I can’t look at him … How could I? I’ve just seen every part of him naked and let him do things to me; intimate things … Pleasurable things!
For the first time in my life they didn’t feel wrong, yet I experience the most guilt and shame I’ve ever felt. It’s too much. My head feels like it’s going to self-implode, taking my body with it.The buzzer goes again, only this time longer and repetitive, someone making it clear they have no intention of going away. He thumps the door once more, making me jerk, as he storms away, cursing. Whoever is out there is persistent, and he knows they’re not going to just leave.I run to grab a robe, now that I know he’s gone. I’m vibrating aRelated chapters
The Carrero Effect 79
I hurriedly pick up the remains of my clothes from the floor and throw them in the bin. I leave his clothes folded on a chair in the room and discard the condom packet in the kitchen waste bin. I don’t know why I’m trying to hide this now, she’s already seen it, and I’m guessing by the raised voices, she’s making it clear.Like a guilty, dirty secret, I’m his mistress and she’s the wife showing up and catching us. I’m scurrying around trying to erase what I’ve done; I’m also trying not to listen at the door and my heart is doing some sort of “Cha Cha” as I rush in circles. I’m completely out of control, all traces of PA Emma banished, my palms are clammy and cold, and I feel physically sick.I creep back to my room and turn on the shower. I need to clean his smell off me, eradicate the memory of how he felt. I need to wipe away my shame and get back that cool calm PA who would know how to handle
The Carrero Effect 80
“When did she tell you?” I try and sit up unaided, swaying a little, but feeling less likely to keel over. Trying to figure out how long he has been seeing her.Did he sleep with me, behind her back?“A couple of days ago.” He sighs looking down at his lap.That explains his monumentally shitty mood for the past couple of days, and hints at just how unhappy he is about this.“What are you going to do? … Marry her?” my voice falters so full of anguish.Why do I sound so childlike? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because the thought of Jake marrying her is killing me.I’m hushed by the twisted frown he throws at me.Okay, maybe we don’t live in the nineteenth century anymore, but I’m sure Father Carrero will have something to say about a namesake being born out of wedlock. His father is a traditionalist after all.“No, I’m not going to ask her to marry me, because I knocked h
The Carrero Effect 81
I run about three blocks before I stop and let the heart wrenching pain overtake me. I cry like I did the night he left me on that boat, and I think I may actually die this time. If my lungs don’t self-implode, I think my heart might. The pain is unbearable and raw, and I’ve never willingly exposed myself to enduring it this way, except that night.I sit on a bench cradling my head between my knees and I think I may even throw up; this isn’t my life … My life is calm and easy and straightforward. My job, my apartment, my responsibilities. They all slot into place and I manage them all well. This isn’t really happening. I’m in a parallel universe, or I’m dreaming. I’ll wake at any minute and this will all have been one long, bad dream. Except I know that it’s not. Meeting Jake has slowly changed it all, he is too potent to be around, changing me, changing how I think and live, until I don’t feel like I am in control an
The Carrero Effect 82
We get to the airfield in the dark. Marissa is traveling with us, invading my territory and I resent her presence. She’s wearing Jake’s sunglasses over her pale face, despite the late hour; I’m guessing she has puffy eyes from crying, and even that tiny little detail causes me so much internal trauma. Those glasses are always meant for me, not her.She looks effortlessly seductive in a clingy cream dress, showcasing her curves and long curled hair. She hasn’t said one word since the tense meeting in the room as we left and then drove over here in hostile silence. I avoid looking at her, and him, he’s ushering her onto the plane like she’s some petulant child. His hand occasionally touching her lightly to guide her and burning my soul. He’s avoided me since he left my room, his manner toward me is cool and distant and I can’t stand it.Maybe it’s better like this. There’s been icy silence, avoidance of eye contact
The Carrero Effect 83
I finally get home to the apartment in the early hours; Jake had two cars awaiting us at the airfield, so I didn’t need to share the journey to his apartment first. This was a new move for him, we’ve always shared cars coming home, so this spoke volumes about what he’s feeling about me.He never looked at me once in our entire trip. At the car, he just guided Marissa into his and departed, left me standing in the dark with Jefferson. Empty and broken hearted, aching to have him say something, anything to me. I almost burst into tears right then and there.Sarah’s in bed and I know, without checking, that Marcus is here too, I can sense his presence in the house and smell his scent lingering in the air. Cheap cologne and deodorant. The thought makes me uptight, but I ignore it and go to bed, taking sleeping pills before I lay down. I’m going to need them; my head is so full to bursting that I know if I even try and extract one tiny piece it wil
The Carrero Effect 84
Marcus glares at Sarah as he leaves the apartment, his bag over his shoulder as he heads out. She throws him a haughty look and turns back to me on the couch; they have been arguing over something pointless, now he is going to work. Apparently, this is normal for them.We’re huddled together under a warm throw, drinking hot chocolate, my emotions are calm finally. I haven’t been able to tell her everything, there is too much to tell, too much to explain and I am still unable to just open up, even to her.Baby steps.She knows the basics of the story, how things built up to the last few days in the hotel room and having sex with Jake, then the appearance of Marissa. The final breaking of my heart on that horrible flight home.“What was it like?” she asks, there’s nothing in her face, curiosity maybe; trying to understand me, understand what I feel. “Sex with him, I mean.”“Amazing … Terrifying … He
The Carrero Effect 85
I help Sarah clean the apartment in companionable silence for the rest of the afternoon, we talked ourselves out and there’s nothing more to say. I have so much to process on my own.She keeps catching my eye and shaking her head at me in awe. I don’t think she can really accept that this is how I am now, as though she keeps waiting on the old Emma to jump out and throw herself into commandeering, emotionless mode, again. Pull out some tight tailoring and my iPad checklist. Her attention unnerves me, but I don’t want to freeze her back out again, she deserves more. I deserve more.I keep checking my cell obsessively, but he doesn’t call or text; every time I see the blank screen, I die a little more inside. I long for one of his song emails, a message, anything! I understand his silence, she’ll be with him, he has a lot to think about, talk about; he’s mad at me, he’s overwhelmed. It doesn’t make this any less painful and it
The Carrero Effect 86
I’m tense as I sit in the office waiting for Jake, he hasn’t called or text me all weekend and I’ve been too afraid to contact him. Apart from after our time on his boat, we’ve never gone this long with no contact and it has me overly touchy and emotional. My nerves eating away at me. Already I’ve snapped at two receptionists when coming through the floor to the office, for the smallest things.I check my watch repeatedly.When Rosalie takes up residence in her own area of the office outside of mine, I realize it’s after nine and Jake still hasn’t shown up; he’s rarely late. I’m tense and on edge, and I’ve no idea what we’ll even say to each other. All I’ve thought about all weekend is what we have done. How it felt to have him kiss and touch me that way, what it felt like to let Jake have sex with me, and it brought me to tears over and over.Despite everything I thought when it first happened, I
Latest chapter
