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2024-10-29 19:42:56Why am I hiding? Because I’m scared … The overwhelming realization of what I’ve just done is drowning me. Jake’s anger and aggression are scaring me. I’m suffocating, and I can’t think straight. I can’t look at him … How could I? I’ve just seen every part of him naked and let him do things to me; intimate things … Pleasurable things!
For the first time in my life they didn’t feel wrong, yet I experience the most guilt and shame I’ve ever felt. It’s too much. My head feels like it’s going to self-implode, taking my body with it.The buzzer goes again, only this time longer and repetitive, someone making it clear they have no intention of going away. He thumps the door once more, making me jerk, as he storms away, cursing. Whoever is out there is persistent, and he knows they’re not going to just leave.I run to grab a robe, now that I know he’s gone. I’m vibrating aRelated chapters
The Carrero Effect 79
I hurriedly pick up the remains of my clothes from the floor and throw them in the bin. I leave his clothes folded on a chair in the room and discard the condom packet in the kitchen waste bin. I don’t know why I’m trying to hide this now, she’s already seen it, and I’m guessing by the raised voices, she’s making it clear.Like a guilty, dirty secret, I’m his mistress and she’s the wife showing up and catching us. I’m scurrying around trying to erase what I’ve done; I’m also trying not to listen at the door and my heart is doing some sort of “Cha Cha” as I rush in circles. I’m completely out of control, all traces of PA Emma banished, my palms are clammy and cold, and I feel physically sick.I creep back to my room and turn on the shower. I need to clean his smell off me, eradicate the memory of how he felt. I need to wipe away my shame and get back that cool calm PA who would know how to handle
The Carrero Effect 80
“When did she tell you?” I try and sit up unaided, swaying a little, but feeling less likely to keel over. Trying to figure out how long he has been seeing her.Did he sleep with me, behind her back?“A couple of days ago.” He sighs looking down at his lap.That explains his monumentally shitty mood for the past couple of days, and hints at just how unhappy he is about this.“What are you going to do? … Marry her?” my voice falters so full of anguish.Why do I sound so childlike? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because the thought of Jake marrying her is killing me.I’m hushed by the twisted frown he throws at me.Okay, maybe we don’t live in the nineteenth century anymore, but I’m sure Father Carrero will have something to say about a namesake being born out of wedlock. His father is a traditionalist after all.“No, I’m not going to ask her to marry me, because I knocked h
The Carrero Effect 81
I run about three blocks before I stop and let the heart wrenching pain overtake me. I cry like I did the night he left me on that boat, and I think I may actually die this time. If my lungs don’t self-implode, I think my heart might. The pain is unbearable and raw, and I’ve never willingly exposed myself to enduring it this way, except that night.I sit on a bench cradling my head between my knees and I think I may even throw up; this isn’t my life … My life is calm and easy and straightforward. My job, my apartment, my responsibilities. They all slot into place and I manage them all well. This isn’t really happening. I’m in a parallel universe, or I’m dreaming. I’ll wake at any minute and this will all have been one long, bad dream. Except I know that it’s not. Meeting Jake has slowly changed it all, he is too potent to be around, changing me, changing how I think and live, until I don’t feel like I am in control an
The Carrero Effect 82
We get to the airfield in the dark. Marissa is traveling with us, invading my territory and I resent her presence. She’s wearing Jake’s sunglasses over her pale face, despite the late hour; I’m guessing she has puffy eyes from crying, and even that tiny little detail causes me so much internal trauma. Those glasses are always meant for me, not her.She looks effortlessly seductive in a clingy cream dress, showcasing her curves and long curled hair. She hasn’t said one word since the tense meeting in the room as we left and then drove over here in hostile silence. I avoid looking at her, and him, he’s ushering her onto the plane like she’s some petulant child. His hand occasionally touching her lightly to guide her and burning my soul. He’s avoided me since he left my room, his manner toward me is cool and distant and I can’t stand it.Maybe it’s better like this. There’s been icy silence, avoidance of eye contact
The Carrero Effect 83
I finally get home to the apartment in the early hours; Jake had two cars awaiting us at the airfield, so I didn’t need to share the journey to his apartment first. This was a new move for him, we’ve always shared cars coming home, so this spoke volumes about what he’s feeling about me.He never looked at me once in our entire trip. At the car, he just guided Marissa into his and departed, left me standing in the dark with Jefferson. Empty and broken hearted, aching to have him say something, anything to me. I almost burst into tears right then and there.Sarah’s in bed and I know, without checking, that Marcus is here too, I can sense his presence in the house and smell his scent lingering in the air. Cheap cologne and deodorant. The thought makes me uptight, but I ignore it and go to bed, taking sleeping pills before I lay down. I’m going to need them; my head is so full to bursting that I know if I even try and extract one tiny piece it wil
The Carrero Effect 84
Marcus glares at Sarah as he leaves the apartment, his bag over his shoulder as he heads out. She throws him a haughty look and turns back to me on the couch; they have been arguing over something pointless, now he is going to work. Apparently, this is normal for them.We’re huddled together under a warm throw, drinking hot chocolate, my emotions are calm finally. I haven’t been able to tell her everything, there is too much to tell, too much to explain and I am still unable to just open up, even to her.Baby steps.She knows the basics of the story, how things built up to the last few days in the hotel room and having sex with Jake, then the appearance of Marissa. The final breaking of my heart on that horrible flight home.“What was it like?” she asks, there’s nothing in her face, curiosity maybe; trying to understand me, understand what I feel. “Sex with him, I mean.”“Amazing … Terrifying … He
The Carrero Effect 85
I help Sarah clean the apartment in companionable silence for the rest of the afternoon, we talked ourselves out and there’s nothing more to say. I have so much to process on my own.She keeps catching my eye and shaking her head at me in awe. I don’t think she can really accept that this is how I am now, as though she keeps waiting on the old Emma to jump out and throw herself into commandeering, emotionless mode, again. Pull out some tight tailoring and my iPad checklist. Her attention unnerves me, but I don’t want to freeze her back out again, she deserves more. I deserve more.I keep checking my cell obsessively, but he doesn’t call or text; every time I see the blank screen, I die a little more inside. I long for one of his song emails, a message, anything! I understand his silence, she’ll be with him, he has a lot to think about, talk about; he’s mad at me, he’s overwhelmed. It doesn’t make this any less painful and it
The Carrero Effect 86
I’m tense as I sit in the office waiting for Jake, he hasn’t called or text me all weekend and I’ve been too afraid to contact him. Apart from after our time on his boat, we’ve never gone this long with no contact and it has me overly touchy and emotional. My nerves eating away at me. Already I’ve snapped at two receptionists when coming through the floor to the office, for the smallest things.I check my watch repeatedly.When Rosalie takes up residence in her own area of the office outside of mine, I realize it’s after nine and Jake still hasn’t shown up; he’s rarely late. I’m tense and on edge, and I’ve no idea what we’ll even say to each other. All I’ve thought about all weekend is what we have done. How it felt to have him kiss and touch me that way, what it felt like to let Jake have sex with me, and it brought me to tears over and over.Despite everything I thought when it first happened, I
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The Carrero Effect 271
The Carrero Influence ~ The Dance ~ Jake shifted in his seat for the millionth time and tried once more to get his brain to focus on the laptop on the highly polished walnut surface. He just couldn’t keep himself on track lately. The sound of a female clearing her throat startled him to look up and the impatient stance of Margo waving a piece of paper with a raised eyebrow suggested she had been talking to him while he was zoned out. “Sorry. What?” He frowned and sighed heavily, pushing himself back into his molded leather chair and rolled up his shirt sleeves in agitation. “For God’s sake, Jacob. I’ve been here for three minutes talking at you. You need to just bloody well call her.” Margo’s stern tone did nothing to help his current mood, and he just shifted forward again to try to ignore that intent, chastising glare. He went to his laptop, ducking his head in an attempt to dodge her blue eyes and typed something aimlessly. “Don’t k
The Carrero Effect 270
The Carrero Influence~ The Elevator Scene ~Jake walked out of the boardroom meeting without any clue as to what he had just sat and endured for the last hour. Margo had been glaring his way and nudging him with her foot under the table every few minutes and making him all the more aware of how ‘out of it’ he was. He had been this way ever since his father’s email had come in, informing him that Emma was back in his building; Back within reach and he had no idea how to handle it. He didn’t know if he should be happy or panicked that he could just see her around his building again, he wasn’t sure how the hell to feel about it but couldn’t deny the slight feeling of hope in his chest that he could bump into her.If he was being honest, he hadn’t had his head in the game for weeks, not since he had sent her away and today was just another prime example of how ‘not well’ he was doing without her in his life.
The Carrero Effect 269
The Carrero Effect~ The Holiday: Part 2 ~Jake was searching under the water, too dark to see anything and scrambling with his hands at anything that felt like it could be Daniel. Panic gripping his stomach as he frantically surfaced for air and dove again. He had hit the water without a thought the second he knew Danny was in here. No cares that he was maybe too drunk for this and just endlessly searching despite his muscles aching and being so heavy he could barely move anymore. It felt like it had been hours instead of minutes and he still hadn’t found him. He wouldn’t give up on him, he wouldn’t lose his best friend this way.Surfacing for air quicker this time he took a moment to drag more into his burning lungs and wipe the water from his eyes. He could hear yelling from the deck, crying from Leila and other voices but he was fully zoned-in on the surface of the water looking for any signs of him.“He’s here, Mr. Carre
The Carrero Effect 268
The Carrero Effect~ The Holiday: Part 1 ~Jake strolled into his apartment and threw his bag down on the couch. It had been a long trip and an even longer week, but he suddenly felt restless at being back. Normally, getting home brought him all kinds of joy, but this time it felt slightly empty, and he actually wished they’d stayed at that damn dance just so he could still be with her right now. Pacing to the window and looking out across the New York skyline he ran his hand through his hair and cracked his neck in a bid to release some of the tension building up his spine. Flexing his arms over his head and straining the jacket holding him tight. He needed to get out of this monkey suit they called a tux and get comfy, maybe he just needed to feel less business-like and properly relax. Maybe he needed a drink.He needed to stop fixating on Emma; it wasn’t healthy, and the constant stream of thoughts he had about her was getting harder to control. S
The Carrero Effect 267 - Bonus Chapters
The Carrero Effect~ The First Meeting ~Jacob Carrero stood in his room in front of the large mirror over the vanity and warmed hair wax between his fingers, smirking at the familiar black and gold branded product on the wooden surface. His father was still lording over the decision to start a male grooming line with Jake’s face all over the advertising campaign; not that he cared. He was used to being publicly owned, always on show, and every woman’s idea of a fantasy male.Which guy wouldn’t? Women falling at your feet every day. Hell yeah.He rubbed it through his hair expertly and spiked it up toward the center and forward in its trademark style. He was never really one for much fussing over his hair, this kept it sorted and then he never had to care for the rest of the day or mess with it unless he ran his hands through and mussed it up. If he had his way, he would shave it all off, but he had done that in his teens and he
The Carrero Effect 266
I catch sight of some of my favorite women on the right-hand side of the aisle. Margo is wiping a tear from her eye and nudging Wilma in her side as both woman wave to me. They’re blowing their noses and crying as Donna throws tissues their way. My crazy trio of motherly hens. Donna’s mascara is pouring down her normally flawless face and I spot Rosalie wave from behind a very handsome man, grinning wildly and looping arms with him, a look of radiant happiness on her pretty face. I beam back at them with a tiny wave before moving on in time to the music, slow steps, with Giovanni leading the way.I catch sight of the Huntsbergers, my new extended family sitting close by and smile warmly at them. The row of adopted children and Huntsberger father looking so proud of his family. Ben and his baby son are near the end of the row. He’s is cuddling him proudly and looking every bit the doting dad. He is now the soul parent o
The Carrero Effect 265
“My son was in pain and hiding from what he wanted most,” he says so factually, looking down at me, “I put you back in his path, so he would stop being a coward.” Giovanni grins and all words leave my brain in an open-mouthed silent gawp; realization dawning on me so suddenly that I am literally rendered speechless.He sent me back to Carrero House? Making me believe that he was going to fire me if I didn’t … an ultimatum that led us to where we are now.Giovanni is admitting to maneuvering me back into Jake’s building, so we would end up back in each other’s arms, crafty jerk that he is. He giggles like a schoolboy at my obviously shocked expression and pats my hand tenderly over his inner elbow. That self-confident effortless look on a man who always sees all and knows everything.“No need to thank me, Emma.” He
The Carrero Effect 264
I smooth my hands down my ivory wedding dress. It’s classy elegance and understated top is lined with a simple sleeveless fitted bodice and tiny pearl detailing. It has a full wispy floating skirt, and layers and layers of chiffon puffing out to a full-length cloud of loveliness. It’s a fairy-tale princess dress and matches beautifully with the elegant engagement ring twinkling on my hand, sparkling in all its shining glory.I admire my flawless natural make-up in the mirror, touching up my nude lipstick. My tawny hair is wild and curled in its loose romantic style, tiny tendrils hang around my face and I appraise my reflection with pride.I look beautiful! I feel beautiful and serene. There is no fear whatsoever.I look like a woman hopelessly in love, about to marry the man of her dreams.I am that woman.I slide on my satin ivory stilettos that almost mirror the shoes I used to adore so much. It feels weird to be ba
The Carrero Effect 263
I am getting so frustrated at myself, my inner anger rears up. I’m surrounded by the song that gave me two of the happiest moments of my life, when he gave me his all, and yet here I am lying here, my sub-conscious holding me back from what I deserve. It’s like the beginning of our relationship all over again. I’m back to the defiant, closed-off Emma who never let him in, always holding back when he needed me most.No! I am not doing this to you, Jake. Not anymore, I won’t!The song is a reminder that he doesn’t always need to be my strength, but a prompt to show me that sometimes I need to be his too. I need to build my own force to find my way back. I need to hold him up and face whatever reality comes when my body wakes up. Maybe that’s why my mind doesn’t want me to wake up. It’s afraid that what Ray did to me will make me hide in the shadows again, that I won’t be able to love Jake and le
