5

CHAPTER 5

This is what she wanted. This is what Lana Syde has always wanted. For Sophia to make a positive change within herself. For Sophia to bring achievements into their house so that she could be proud of her daughter. This was finally happening and Sophia was over the moon. All she wanted was to make her mother proud. Lana had always been dissatisfied with Sophia, no matter what she did. Nothing was enough. Maybe now, maybe this job which she'd earned with her hard work was her way to make her mother proud. She couldn't wait for her to know. Couldn't wait for Lana to give her a proud smile and a small pat on her shoulder. Maybe a hug too.

Sophia had forgiven her mother, as she recalled the conversation where Lana accused Miles and Pearl that they didn't want Sophia's wellbeing. Yes, it was wrong and it felt wrong, but how long can two family members stay mad at each other. At the end of the day, someone has to break their walls taking the initiative, and in this case, Sophia was the one breaking her walls.

When she reached home, the first place she visited was her parent's room. Letting them know about this and capturing their reaction with bare eyes was Sophia's main motive. She just wanted them to be proud of her. If that was too much to ask. She knocked on the door and waited for permission to get in. She bounced on the ball of her feet impatiently, excitement taking over. When the door didn't open neither did she receive any response, she pushed it open only to realise that neither of her parents were there.

Huffing in disappointment, she gave up and decided to get freshen up first and then announce the exciting achievement. She took a refreshing warm shower, all the stress and discomfort after sitting in one place for more than 8 hours was drenched over as the shower calmed her skin. After a long, unwinding shower, she dressed herself into her night pyjamas as she let her hairs dry naturally. When she reached down, her mom and dad were getting ready for dinner.

Her parents greeted her with a hello as they all sat for the dinner like they did every other day. Sophia thought it would be a great idea to tell them about the job offer after the dinner so she bottled up the surprise and joined Lana and Roy for the dinner silently. Her father was the first one to get finished with his dinner as he got up, ready to leave. Sophia's eyes widened as she tried to resist him from leaving.

''Wait, hold on,'' Sophia yelled grabbing her father's wrist.

Roy frowned his eyebrows and let out a chuckle. ''What is it?''

''I've something to tell you,'' Sophia said looking and him and her mother.

''But Sophia I've got an online conference to do in two minutes. I can't be late,'' He explained grabbing his phone from the table.

Sophia hurriedly stood up, ''Okay, okay. I get it. I'll be quick,''

''Soph, don't waste your father's time,'' Lana warned in a demanding voice.

Sophia shook her head, ''I won't. Listen to be. It’ll be worth it. I promise,'' She pleaded, intertwining her fingers together in front of her neck pleadingly. Sophia knew her father was a busy person, but a few minutes for her wouldn't hurt.

''Okay, tell us. What is it?'' Roy sighed, a little impatient, a little amused.

''I got a job offer from the company. Miles want me to join the S-groups as an employee,'' She finally said smiling brightly waiting for their reaction. She still could not process that this internship led her to an actual job.

Roy spread his arms out for a hug, ''That's my tiger. C'mon, give your daddy a hug,'' And Sophia almost ran into his arms. Roy patted her back and pulled her away by her shoulders. ''Look, I told you everything will be okay. Enjoy your life. I got to go,'' He gave her one last smile as he left.

Sophia looked at him leave and then glanced down at Lana, who was mere quiet. ''Mom, what do you think?'' She asked quietly. Sophia visualized her mother to smile at her and tell her that she was proud of her. Even now, that's what she was waiting for.

Lana raised her eyes from the dinner table to her daughter. Her face indistinct as she got up and stood in front of Sophia. She sighed heavily, ''Sophia, you can't do this job''

The smile on Sophia's face was weakened. ''Wh-What? Why?'' her heart skipped a beat as she waited for her mother to continue.

Lana shook her head, ''Sophia, there is a reason why I told you to do an internship in the summer. Because your college is going starts in July. You cannot deal with both at the same time,''

''Yes I can,'' Sophia said loudly and clearly. Making her thoughts crystal. ‘’there are many students my age who does job and studies at the same time. I can even do online college,’’

Lana grimaced as the corner of her eyes displayed heavy wrinkles as she felt disrespect from his daughter's disagreement, ''Sophia, if I'm saying something, then it's for your better future. You're not mature enough to do a job. Little girls like you can never handle jobs at a young age, not to forget you're only 19,''

''Mom!'' Sophia's voice broke as she continues softly, ''I though this is what you wanted all along. Why are you unhappy now? I swear I can do this. Just give me a-a chance so that I can prove myself,'' She sniffled at the end as her throat tightened up supressing a fit of sobs.

''Sophia, you can hardly get good marks in your physics exams. You think this job offer is because Miles thinks you're good enough for the company? No. You got the offer because you're his sister. He just showed pity on you,''

Lana's last sentence was like a jab into Sophia's stomach. So harsh and melancholies. Sophia took a step back, shaking her head as tears rolled down her cheeks. She suddenly felt numb and yet again, useless and worthless. Lana's words always made her feel like that. Useless and worthless.

''That's not true,'' Sophia muttered. ''It can't be,'' She let out a defeated whimper. She felt tears prick at the back of her eyes, which dampened her cheek within seconds.

Lana sighed heavily, ''It is what it is, my dear child,'' She turned to pick up a glass of water. Lana looked at her daughter from above the surface of the glass, ''And you're going to listen to me and reject the offer,'' She said before leaving Sophia to her upcoming miserable thoughts.

Lana's words started ringing in Sophia's head like a broken record. Over and over again.

'He just showed pity on you'

Pity. The word broke her heart. From the past few weeks, Sophia was learning to gain confidence. Confidence in herself, to do something on her own, to rely on herself. She felt pride when she received an email from the S-Groups which mentioned that the money has been transferred into her bank account regarding the whole internship for these weeks. She liked the new, changed world of hers. She felt free, even if in the beginning, she disliked the idea of her mother forcing her to work at her brother's office. She slowly accepted it and most importantly enjoyed it. And now, taking the chance away from her was like winning a lottery but not being able to own it completely.

Lana crumbled down the confidence Sophia had built up over the time. She started questioning herself. Her hard work since the past two weeks she spent sitting in front of the computer for 8 hours straight felt equal to nothing right now.

Was she really doing nothing sitting there? Did Miles lie when he said his company needed people like Sophia?

Sophia's whimpers shifted into loud sobs when the questions started messing with her mind, as she sat in the same little corner of beside her bed where her father found her crying at the day of her exam results. She didn't know if she was to blamed to or to feel stupid about herself. As much as she hated her mother's words, somewhere in her heart she believed them. That she really was a little girl capable of nothing.

Her pocket vibrated as the phone inside buzzed. She sucked in a breath when she realised that it was Pearl who was calling her. Debating to herself if she should pick the call up or not, she let the phone ring. Pearl didn't stop as Sophia's phone's screen lightened up displaying Pearl's name once again.

Sighing, she finally swiped up picking the call up.

''Sophia? Congratulations! I knew my little sister was a boss. Good job little one. I'm so proud of you,'' Pearl ranted from the other side of the phone, who was still in the summer camp. When she heard no response from Sophia, she said, ''Sophia, are you there?''

''Yes,'' She answered in a low, weak voice.

''Sophia, is everything alright? Have you been crying?'' Apparently, Pearl was a good observer.

''I'm not alright,'' Sophia sobbed quietly, ''I'm not,''

''Hey, baby, tell me. What is it?'' Pearl asked softly and Sophia could hear the chairs shuffling and students yelling and laughing at each other as Pearl spoke from the other side.

Taking a deep breath, Sophia explained everything to her big sister. All the way from getting an offer from Miles, their father congratulating her, Lana getting upset at the idea of a job and lastly the cruel word that made Sophia cry. She explained how she felt worthless and empty from the inside.

Sophia heard Pearl take a deep breath and after a long paused, she spoke: ''Sophia, when Miles said you are good at something, he meant it. Pity is not something he feels for anyone and you know that, you know him. Lana knows him too. She has seen him grow. All she is doing is playing with your mind—''

''But why?'' Sophia shouted suddenly in an exhausted, tired and broken voice. ''Why?'' She let out a single sob.

''Go to sleep, Sophia. I'll see what I can do,'' Pearl reassured lowly.

''What are you going to do?'' Sophia sniffled.

‘’I don’t know yet. Good night.''

Pearl’s voice was determined and Sophia did not know how her determination was going to help her. So with a sigh of frustration, she felt like throwing the phone away and smashing it against the wall. She felt like screaming and hurting herself. But she didn't do any of it, because she didn't want anyone to be disappointed in her again. And with a heavy, tired heart, Sophia climbed into her bed, laying in a curled position and tried drifting herself to sleep.

~

Nightmare. Sophia didn't get nightmares a lot. Once or twice a year at the most. But they never affected or frightened her. Ghosts, shadows and darkness never scared her. She was strong enough to not be afraid of such. What she was afraid of, was her loved ones disowning her, loathing her or being disappointed in her. It scared her until she would get an anxiety attack. Similarly, Sophia woke up panting, crying and whiling. Her brain started collecting glimpses of the dream that scared her, where all her family members, Mom, Dad, Pearl and Miles, were circling her in a closed, white Room. Telling her how much of a disappointment she was. Calling her names...

Worthless.

Useless.

A failure.

Good for nothing.

Sophia shook her head. It's just a dream, a bad dream. She reminded herself. Her lungs rejected intake of oxygen and she started gasping for air. Suddenly, she started feeling claustrophobic, with sweats all over her skin. That is when she got up on her feet, grabbed a hoodie from her closet and rushed out of her house. She knew she needed a breather and a moment to think her mind through the terrors.

Her nose wrinkled when she realised how she let her mother’s cursed words affect her. Lana’s black tongue and the dark words was nothing new to her, she even promised herself a few years back that she would not let her mother make her upset again after a similar incident where she blamed her older siblings for not guiding her correctly in her exams and letting her fail in Math.  But here she was, in the middle of the road, trying to calm herself down because of a nightmare she had because pf her mother. She felt pathetic.

Sophia looked up at the sky and smiled lightly at the shade of orange that started to emerge from the east. There were people already out for a jog, whilst, some were having a morning walk with their companions. A groups of teenagers were skate boarding on the footpath when a street dog barked at them scaring the daylight out of them.

Sophia laughed when the group of teenagers screamed and started running away from the dramatically aggressive dog, their skate boards tucked into their armpits. Then she took a seat on one of the wooden benches on the walkway and looked around. Now, the sky was brighter and the sun was clear. More vehicles were on the road and the shops were slowly opening. She didn't know how much she really needed this space until she dared for it.

Not having the phone by her side, she assumed it was around 6 or 6:30 in the morning. Around this time, she would be waking up and getting ready for work. Sophia realised that she does not have anywhere to go anymore. The realisation hit her like a ton of bricks. She still hadn't opened the email which Miles said to go through earlier. She didn't feel like checking up on it anymore as it was of no use anyway. She had lost the job she never had. But the feeling of losing something vital was still aching her heart.

Lost in thoughts, she kept her head low staring at her white flip flops. A gush of cold air made her shiver and she pushed her hands in her burgundy sweatshirt's pockets, her hairs hiding her face. She had a strong imagination, if she was lost in her thoughts, she was like lost in an ocean. Hard to find a surface. She tried to be as positive as possible. But she found herself floating in the Dead Sea. The density of thoughts was so high, it made her feel blue, just like the density of salt in the Dead Sea which makes anything float on its surface.

A pair of shiny, brown shoes slowly stood parallel to her white flip flops. She rose her eyes up to look at the face of the owner of the shoes. Her eyes not showing at sight of interest, until her eyes met a pair of grey ones.

Sophia's eyes went wide open at the sight of Miles. His eyes were narrowed and icy as he stared down at her. His hands were tucked into the pockets of his pants. He looked fresh and clean in his work outfit unlike Sophia whose face displayed dark circles an oily nose which was slightly red.

Miles didn't say anything, neither did Sophia. He only slowly and elegantly turned to sit beside her on the yellow painted wooden street furniture. Miles was the last person she expected to see this early and in this gloomy moment. She stared ahead at the road. A car was parked on the right of the bench a few metres away from where they were sitting. She recognised it as Miles' car. He had probably recognised her on the way here, is what Sophia assumed. Even though she had no idea why he was here in the first place.

''What are you doing here?'' Miles enquired firmly without meeting her eyes.

''Morning walk,'' Sophia answered merely. She felt his eyes on her, examining her from head to toe. His silence made her gulp. Quiet Miles was scarier.

 Sighing, Sophia decided to answer truthfully, ''I had a bad dream. And started feeling out of breath. Thus, I'm here.'' Then she looked at him and gathered the courage to ask. ''What about you?''

Miles looked away and nodded, ''Had something to talk to with dad. About work,'' he was met with another wave of silence where he found his sister lost in thoughts. ''Sophia, is there anything you want to share?'' his voice became surprisingly tender.

Well, there are many problems. Which one can you help me solve? Her mind thought sarcastically.

Sophia nodded, despite knowing her brother’s thing for verbal answered. She believed those rules should be left in the office. She stole a look from Miles and realised that he knew, although she did not felt like starting the conversation first in case her theory was wrong. After the phone call last night with Pearl, she knew her sister would do something in her favour, which potentially was talking this out with her twin. Which is why she asked; ‘’did you talk to Pearl?’’

"Maybe..." his answer plainly puzzled her. She sighed and leaned back to rest her head on the frame of the bench. Then she pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them. "Sorry..... I- I can't do the job," her heart broke as she confessed. But she knew she did not have any other option.

"Yesterday when I said that don't let anyone tell you your place or value, I wanted you to remember it and use it in your life likewise," Miles voice was stern. "You tend to forget things quickly,"

"I don't," Sophia muttered. "I don't..." she slurred again almost inaudibly.

"Make this clear to me, Sophia, do you want the job, or not?" he turned his body to face her. He stared back at her with a securitizing stare in need of answers. His seriousness was increasing the tension in the air.

"I do. I want the job, but Miles I-"

"Then that's all I want to hear," Miles said getting up. He extended his hand towards Sophia, who hesitantly looked at him and his extended hand. Going back home felt like a punishment to her. The scenery outside made her feel like home more. Nonetheless, she grabbed his hand and her him guide her to the car. The uncertainty of the situation made her feel anxious. She needed to know which side Miles was, but she felt numb to make conversations. 

Sophia didn't know what was going to happen at home. She just hoped that there won’t be a fight, misunderstanding or argument. Being the pacifist, she wished for peace. Only hoping for the best as she drove home with her brother, Miles.