Chapter 9

Sitting on my couch waiting for Gray to show up, I still hadn't reconciled mentally why I had called him over. I hadn't figured out what I planned to say or decided what I wanted to do. My head vehemently told me to walk away, but somehow, my heart had become involved. That traitorous organ wanted to cling to him. I'd never been drawn to someone the way I had to Gray. Even Will had developed over time; we'd become very close long before I stumbled upon the truth. I was pretty sure Gray would destroy me in the long run, but I wanted to know what it felt like to be loved by him, even if only briefly.

The knock on the door stifled my mental argument-Gray stood on the other side. His hands were stuffed into his jean pockets, and he rocked back on his heels, refusing to make eye contact. It was cute, his nervousness, and it sealed the deal. At that moment, the crack in his cocky exterior became visible; there was a softness to him, one that reminded me so much of Will. For a split second, I saw my first love in the eyes of the man in front of me. It was a glimpse of the boy I'd fallen in love with-the one without the issues. I gave him a nervous giggle and grabbed him by the shirt to tug him inside. I hadn't envisioned this. I'd had no intention of giving him a free pass, but if I could do things over with Will, I would. I didn't want to have those same regrets with Gray.

He looked at me when my hand hit his shirt, slightly bewildered. The sorrow still hung in his eyes. The way he carried himself said he anticipated my telling him to take a hike. He anticipated rejection. I wanted to make him sweat a bit, but games weren't my forte. When he stumbled through the doorway, my arms secured themselves around his waist, and my head rested on his chest. The thud of his heart rushed wildly against his ribcage and echoed in my ear. I pushed the door closed with my foot, blocking out neighbors who might walk by. His body remained stiff, but when I squeezed, his arms circled my back, and he rested his chin on my head. Finally, he breathed as though the weight of the world no longer threatened to crash around him. His warmth felt perfect against me. Reluctantly, I pulled away, took his hand, and led him to the couch. It wasn't until I had opened the door, saw him again and the hopelessness in his eyes, that I decided what I wanted to say. I would let him slide on the lie by omission. But he would hear about what I expected from anyone I was in any relationship with-friendship or otherwise.

"Take a seat, Gray. I won't hurt you, so quit looking like someone ran over your dog."

He sighed heavily, and I wondered how long he'd been holding the breath in. An awkward silence ensued, and I realized I would have to lead this conversation.

"Look, Gray, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to call you back. I wanted to think about everything and make sure I made the best decision for both of us. I struggled with the fact you're married and never told me, but then I reminded myself, had I known, we would've ended before we ever started. Information was withheld in my last relationship, and I got dragged into things I couldn't escape. I can't do that again. I need to know I can trust the people in my life, and this kind of thing makes me wonder. I realize it took a lot for you to come clean, but it still felt like a kick to the gut. A lie of omission is still a lie."

The breath I took through my nose was deep and filled my lungs. My shoulders rose with the inhale and relaxed on the exhale. Nerves threatened to get the best of me if I didn't keep my focus.

"I'm younger than you are. You have to remember I don't know people dealing with these types of issues, so they aren't on my radar. My friends aren't even considering marriage, much less divorce."

I paused, thinking he might say something, but he didn't. He sat quietly, pleading with those eyes that launched the flight of butterflies in my stomach. It took everything I had not to grab his face, kiss the hell out of him, and confess my unrealistic fairytale love for him. But that would have been crazy. I ditched the confession in favor of rambling.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want to know you. Have you around. I like your quirks-your goofy grin, how giddy you get watching little kids play football. You make me feel again, even though some of it's painful and even more of it is fear. I've been numb for a long time, going through the motions, always reaching for something, but not sure what exactly. The last few weeks, I've experienced happiness, nervousness, anxiety, anger, pain...most of those in the last few days." I winked at him but had no clue where the confidence had come from. "I can't explain why I'm drawn to you, but I am. You'll probably regret ever stepping foot in my direction, but I hope we can spend time together." My voice drifted off.

I got nervous. This was the part where I assumed he actually wanted to see me, to date me, but if that wasn't the case, I was about to look really dumb.

"I'd like to keep seeing you. Date you."

And the silence filled the room again. Internally I screamed at him to say something. There was nothing else to add. My eyebrows rose in question, and I simply stared until he responded. When I finally saw him crack a grin, my lungs filled with air, the rush of breath exhilarating. Gray gave me that lopsided smirk where only half of his mouth lifted, but it extended the creases beyond his eyelashes, and I knew he was genuinely happy. That was the smile I wanted to believe was just for me.

"That's not what I expected you to say. I figured I'd be lucky to get out of here without getting punched in the face, but I was going to let you do it." He beamed; his entire face lit up-happy. "I'm sorry I wasn't up front with you, Annie. I want to make a bunch of excuses to make myself look better, but the truth is, I have none."

He picked at imaginary lint on the couch and hesitated for a fraction of a second before he continued. "These have been some of the most miserable days of my life. The walk back into Topher's house after getting out of your car was the worst walk of shame I've ever made. It was horrible, hopeless, and agonizing. I knew telling you about Abby was something I had to do, but I expected more of a conversation. The handful of questions you asked didn't really answer anything, and then you asked me to get out."

The way he searched my face for a response, maybe an apology for his discomfort that day in the car, gave me a peek at his vulnerability and possibly his immaturity. Not everything about him was solid, and uncertainty lingered in the air.

"You weren't mean, there was no anger, but damn, the disappointment on your face cut me to the quick. The way you stared off into the distance, remembering you were unwilling to make eye contact, still haunts me."

I shouldn't have felt bad. I had done nothing wrong. But I hated to see people upset, it was my Achilles heel-seeing Gray that way was torture.

"I would've taken a knife to my left nut not to have had to make that confession to you. All I could think about was having upset you, and I drank the days away, refusing to leave Topher's house. I couldn't stop thinking about you or shake my need to be near you. I haven't washed my shirt from the night we went to the football game because I can smell you on it. I sleep with it at night like a damn security blanket. I've become a fucking pussy in a matter of days. This has destroyed me, and I can't for the life of me tell you how things got this bad."

His admission surprised me. I hadn't thought about what he'd been doing, but it never crossed my mind his admission would affect him-not that way.

"I promised you I wouldn't call, but after two days of waiting, it took every ounce of self-control I had not to pick up the phone and beg you to let me explain. But Topher stopped me. He kept telling me to give you time and let you come back on your own. But damn, Annie, I wanted to go after you. You have to know I wanted to chase you."

I wasn't sure he had meant to say all that out loud. He admitted some of it in a daze as though he had just needed to get the emotion out to stop reliving it.

"I need honesty, Gray. I don't expect perfection; God knows I'm far from it. But no more secrets, okay?"

"None?"

I shook my head in confirmation of his understanding.

"Does that go both ways?"

He was about to make a point, but I didn't know what it was. The only fair solution was to give him the same thing I demanded. "Yes, of course."

"What happened with Will?"

His question knocked the wind right out of me. It suddenly became hard to breathe. I wanted honesty...so did he. But I wasn't sure I could give him that answer. It just wasn't that simple.

"Annie, you can talk to me about it. You don't have to hide behind whatever he did to you."

I worried my lip with my teeth, unsure how to even broach this subject. "What do you want me to tell you?"

"What happened? What has kept you from dating since? Whatever it was had to have been pretty bad for you to have sworn off relationships for two years."

If I were going to share any of this, I'd start by ripping the Band-Aid off. "He committed suicide a few weeks after he left for college. His roommate found him. He'd sliced himself beyond recognition with a knife...all over his body, cutting out the scars before he slit his wrists." The words were callous and rushed, but it was the only way I could get through them. Finite details and drawn out stories were too difficult. I could only speak in hurried generalities.

I held his attention while I spoke. I couldn't explain the feeling and had hoped he saw it in my eyes as I talked. The way he regarded me in return indicated he'd understood.

"You know why, don't you?" His voice cracked while he tried to control his tone.

My nod confirmed his assumption, but I didn't want to give him any more. Not today. He'd sensed it and settled back onto the couch, taking me with him. I shared some of the good about Will, knowing at some point, it would need to counter all the bad. Nothing I'd ever be able to say to anyone who loved me would justify the havoc our relationship wreaked on my life. His final decision had nearly cost me my life as well.

He shared more about Abby and admitted his love for her in high school, but it was an immature feeling that never should have solidified in marriage. I confided in him about my parental issues, especially after Will's death, and my unending need to live up to their expectations even after they'd virtually abandoned me. He regaled me with stories about his mama that sent me into hysterical fits of laughter-laughter so hearty my side ached. I couldn't imagine what it would have been like to have a mom so fun-loving. I was sure it helped that they were only seventeen years apart in age. Mine was thirty years older than me, and a total stick in the mud. I learned more about Topher and his fiancée, Heather, but he maintained his opinion that she was a complete moron. She was so dumb he couldn't help but like her because what she lacked in brains she made up for in kindness. Again, I asked about the tattoo, and he told me it was his name in Hebrew, followed by a grin and a quick wink. As we talked, I put my feet in his lap, and he rubbed them without thought. At that moment, it became clear I'd made the right decision-the massage alone was worth the tough, albeit short, trip down memory lane.