"Lissa, if you two don't get on the road soon, it's going to be too late to leave."My parents owned a beach house on South Padre Island, and I was taking a long weekend to decompress. I didn't usually make the drive alone, but Matt had Drill, and I had to be back at school on Monday. I was exhausted-sleep deprived was a more accurate term-but everything pulled me in different directions, and I'd over-committed myself this semester. I wanted to make a good impression on the new Dean. I wasn't a tenured Professor, and there were always teachers vying for coveted spots on the University's payroll. I loved my job, not just the classes and the lectures, but the ensembles, the private lessons, and the rare gift of a brilliant musician. They were all good, but this year, I'd been impressed by two in particular, and they took up hours of my day. I allocated resources to them they couldn't afford...my time. Both were here on full music scholarships, so they fell to my tutelage by default, but
It was difficult to put the pieces in the order they'd happened, but the lineup of witnesses was called in the order they'd come to the scene, I assumed in an effort to keep the timeline concise for the jury. "Can you state your name and position for the court?" Jethro had his attention first."Drew Sullivan. Andrew Sullivan, sir. I'm a Fire Engineer at Station Twelve on Engine Twelve." He shifted uncomfortably in the hard, wooden chair next to the judge. Each time he spoke, he leaned into the microphone with hesitation, and his left hand automatically went to the back of his neck worrying the muscles I'm sure were tense."How long have you been with the station?" Each attorney either wanted to establish the credibility of the person on the stand or discredit it. These people were fortunate, though; no one was trying to tear apart their words. Jethro wanted to appeal to the depravity of the situation they'd faced that day. He played on their heart in hopes of weakening the jury.I
A paramedic came next. Each witness struggled to keep the emotion from their version of the events that day, especially the EMTs and the state troopers. I wanted to believe they knew it was an accident, but in the end, the only opinions that would matter were the jurors', who were not making eye contact with me. All but one kept their focus trained on the front of the courtroom. An older man, with hair that had long lost its color, and warm, brown eyes, met my gaze and tilted his head just slightly in my direction. He connected with me, in just a glance. There were no words or gestures other than that, but I had one juror on my side. I only needed one."Elizabeth Simmons. NREMT paramedic." Her voice was gentle, and I hoped she was a mother. My attorney had deposed all of the witnesses, but I didn't know much about them personally. In another life, this was a woman I would have wanted to befriend. She had come dressed professionally, her uniform clearly identifying who she was. Her
The state trooper didn't add much to the other accounts, but he did present what they believed were the timeline of events based on my statements and those who were there."Ms. Jackson said she pulled over around three that afternoon with about a quarter of a tank of gas. We have to assume it was less than that because by the time Mrs. Bartell and her husband found her and the baby, it wasn't quite four. The call came in to 9-1-1 at 3:58 pm. The car was out of gas, and it was one hundred and three degrees that afternoon. We can only speculate as to the exact temperature of the inside of the vehicle because the windows had already been broken by the time we arrived, and no one knows how long the car was off before witnesses found the victims.""What do you estimate the internal temperature might have been?" This question had already been answered, but I guess the more people who testified, the more weight it would carry with a jury."Objection, the witness would be speculating." Jeth
Matt's testimony had been the most damning. His tape had been played for the court since he was deployed, and his words haunted me. He was angry, and it came through in every word he recorded. Blame lay at my feet. I had known his would be bad but hoped it hadn't held as much weight since he wasn't here to deliver it himself. Seeing his face, witnessing his devastation, every member of the jury would have identified with his anger and likely marinated in it. But his hadn't been the testimony I'd hated hearing. I dreaded the details I knew were going to come from the prosecutor's expert medical witness. He wasn't here to talk about mine or Joshua's specific case-he came to educate the courtroom on the process of the human body, adult and child, failing due to heatstroke. I'd spent far too much time researching this over the last few months, and it was gory. "Heatstroke causes the body to shut down. It's a multi-system organ failure where respiratory, cardiovascular, and nervous system
The jury deliberated for three days. My attorney tried to assure me the longer they stayed behind closed doors, the better it was for me that a juror was holding out. I had a clean record, I was a contributing member of society, and my colleagues had spoken highly of me when they'd been called as character witnesses even if they had affirmed I'd taken on too much as a new mother. Jethro was convinced a jury wouldn't send someone my age with my history to jail. But I wondered if I deserved that kind of grace. I didn't want to spend my days behind bars, but I wouldn't blame them had they deemed it a necessary punishment. We waited to be called back to the courthouse, and each day that passed was harder than the previous. While Jethro was hoping for a hung jury, I knew I couldn't endure another trial. I wouldn't appeal whatever decision they made. I would accept the consequences and hope at some point I would be able to climb out of the manic state I'd found myself in.The call came at
We all piled into the exam room for the ultrasound. I hopped up on the table trying to exude excitement when I struggled with overwhelming grief. Each step of this process reminded me of when I had experienced it before. Matt and I had been overjoyed to see our baby on the screen, but now I was concerned about my reaction when I was bombarded by the past. The easiest thing for me to do was go through the motions focused only on what I was told to do. We were here for Annie and Brett. If I found personal healing through any of this, that would be fantastic, but the end goal was to give back, restore what I'd taken that hot summer day in Texas. With my back on the table, I lifted my shirt and tucked it under my bra. I glanced down at my swollen stomach, and a mournful grin took over my features. To the outsider, it probably appeared to be subtle happiness that came with pregnancy, but my stomach was a reminder of my first pregnancy...and why I was doing this. Annie watched me until t
I shouldn't have been surprised by how well attended the party was at Hooters. After weeks of planning, Annie and I had pulled off what I hoped would be a fun evening. We both needed it. The stress of displaying one emotion to people I was closest to while harboring another internally was far more difficult than I had anticipated. Somehow, in my mind, I'd believed the process of this pregnancy would be like it had been with Joshua. And it was for Annie and Brett, but for me, each milestone brought memories of a life that was now gone. And with each one, I forced myself to work through the emotions as they came, but it was increasingly more difficult with Dan or Annie always hovering. Dan was so overprotective the only time I managed to get five feet from him was when I went to work.I hoped tonight would bring more joy to the situation as we celebrated the baby growing inside me. While I wanted to remember the life that brought me here, I needed to find a way to rejoice in my ability
Our story didn't stop at the courthouse. We had dinner with Brett and Annie that night and hovered around their kitchen table. My best friends allowed me to share Joshua with them and gave life to his memory. I showed them the only pictures I still had while holding Alissa in my arms. She smiled up at me as if she knew. That tiny human connected with me on a level she may never understand, but somehow, she knew-without Joshua, she wouldn't be here. Watching her run around with her friends as we celebrated her birth five years later, I couldn't help but think how foolish it would have been to walk away from all of this. Dan and I would never have children, but what we had was far better for us. Annie and Brett were more like siblings than friends, and their kids were amazing. We got to spoil them, take them anywhere we wanted, and send them home. We had family at holidays and special occasions, and we never missed out on anything either Grayson or Alissa were doing. But at the end of
I had called repeatedly, but each try had gone straight to voicemail. Either his phone was off, or it died without being charged overnight. I didn't want to speculate about which it was. I drove as quickly as I could and slammed the SUV in park in the first spot I could find before racing into the courthouse. I followed the signs to the Justice of the Peace, but when I reached the office, completely out of breath, Dan was nowhere to be found. The clock on the wall read 10:11 am. My eyes scanned the room, making sure to identify each person as a stranger before moving on to the next face. Surely, he hadn't left after ten minutes. He had to know I'd come. A guy slammed into my shoulder in his haste to rush out of the office, not even bothering to apologize for nearly knocking me over. But standing stock-still in the middle of the doorway probably wasn't the best idea. I just couldn't believe he'd left. I waited for hours for Matt to show up at the hospital, but Dan hadn't waited ten lo
My night had been restless, and just as quiet as the evening after Dan and I had gotten out of the bathtub. He left after dinner and went to Brett's house, but I didn't have the courage to ask him what he'd done while he was there. He returned in the same mood he'd left in, the one he was known for. To an outsider, he appeared unwavering-but I knew with time to think about it, he'd decide he couldn't stay."Did you want to get a new dress for tomorrow?" "For what?""To go to the courthouse? Or do you want to do the whole thing off the wall and wear jeans?" He kept unloading the dishwasher like he had asked what I needed from the grocery store. "I didn't think we were still doing that?" Maybe he'd taken up drinking.He turned toward me suddenly, dropping a dishtowel he'd used to dry his hands with. "What are you talking about? You said Monday. Tomorrow is Monday.""Dan...""No, don't Dan me. Has something changed that you don't want to marry me now?"Oh, for the love of God. I
I stood in the spot he left me in when he returned with towels from the dryer. He set them on the counter, turned off the water in the now full tub, and removed his clothes. I watched in a trance until he was before me with nothing on. With my hand in his, he stepped over the side of the bathtub and then helped me in. The garden tub was made for two, and I nestled myself between his legs while he leaned back. The bubbles created a cover, hiding our bodies except for the parts of us not under the water. My fingers fidgeted nervously with the white foam until he took my hand and wound his fingers between mine.He might have been waiting for me to start, but I didn't know what to say. The silence was painful, and I ran through the scenarios of how this might play out...none of which ended well."What was his name?" The words of inquiry fanned out against my skin like a warm blanket. They were gentle and softly spoken, inviting me to open up about a piece of me I hadn't shared with anyon
We walked into the sanctuary with two minutes to spare. Brett quickly found Dan, and Annie was in a tizzy. Alissa was nestled into a cradle her dad had created with his arm completely unaffected by her father's helpless panic. "Dude, slow down. What's wrong?"I held Dan's hand in front of Brett, but Alissa had my attention. Just as Brett started to answer Dan's question, Annie came around the corner. Her face was flush, and if I had to bet, I'd say she was roughly two minutes from pulling her hair out.I hadn't heard anything Brett said to my fiancé. The moment Annie got close enough, I saw why she was distressed. Grayson had spit up all over his christening gown...and it stunk, even from here.People started to fill the pews. "What do you need me to do, Annie?"Brett stepped in, suddenly relieved and in control. "Nothing. We're good. Dan went to get stuff out of the car."My brow scrunched in confusion. I had no idea what was going on or how Dan was helping."Seriously, Lissa.
The time on my phone couldn't be right. There was no way it was a quarter to eight. Somehow in my haste to get to sleep I either hadn't turned on my alarm or had turned it off an hour ago when it rang. I threw the covers back and practically fell out of bed. The thud of my body on the floor woke Dan whose concern, while well intended, only slowed my progress out the door."Let me go. I have fifteen minutes to get to Annie's house, and I had planned to shower before I went."He didn't relinquish his grasp on me once he got up. "Lissa, calm down. You aren't going to do anyone any good in a panic." I relaxed until I felt the tension in his arms subside and then made my break. "I'll be back. Can you get the gifts out of the closet and throw them in the bags on the kitchen counter? There's tissue paper there, too.""Sure, where are they?"I raced around tearing my pajamas off to put on a bra and some real clothes. As much as I loved Brett, I wasn't interested in him seeing any more of
"You look like shit, Lissa. Did you have a baby that keeps you up at night, and I missed it?"I swung my attention to Annie to find her giggling to herself. "You don't look so hot yourself, heifer." The wink I shot her direction ensured she saw my playfulness. "I haven't slept all that well the last couple nights." I didn't need to tell her why."Bad dreams?" She'd become a pro at this whole parenting gig. She never missed a beat with either kid and managed to hold completely coherent, adult conversations while breastfeeding one and changing the other. Anyone else would need more hands but not Annie Ryann. "I don't know what it is. Just not getting a lot of rest."She stopped what she was doing and gave me the eye. The one that told me she didn't believe a word I said. I scooped Alissa up and ignored her."Spill it.""There's nothing to spill. I'm just not sleeping well.""Are you nervous about getting married?"Her question was natural, based on the fact that event loomed jus
I'd spent most of the summer with Annie, Alissa, and Grayson while Dan and Brett worked. As my vacation neared its end, I got excited about returning to work. I couldn't wait to be around my students again and the music. I dreaded seeing Rob, but hopefully, he'd be somewhat human now that some time had passed. I hadn't heard from him in the time I'd been off except for the email he sent out to the department today about meetings over the next couple weeks. It would be strange being away from the kids. Annie and I were more like co-mothers, with her taking the lead and the long nights. But I'd spent several of those with her as well. I knew how exhausting one infant was...I couldn't leave her alone with two, and Brett still had to work. Maybe it was an excuse to feel like I was an important part of their lives and their team. Maybe it gave me a piece of what I'd lost years earlier. Either way, I found myself having to be pried away from them. When I told Annie to let me know if I got
The addition of Alissa Danielle to our tribe had been profound. I loved being able to walk across the driveway to relieve my friend in the morning so she could shower, take a nap, or whatever else she was in the mood to do. I didn't care what it was. I'd help her with laundry, cleaning, anything to keep her from experiencing the sleep deprivation that had caused the end of the world I knew. It was twice as bad for her because with each passing day, she became more pregnant and less able to move...or stay awake. I took advantage of the time she granted me with Alissa and tried to maintain the bond the two of us shared. I knew it would change over time, but I hoped as she grew older it would strengthen in different ways. I wanted to be her friend, her confidant, her second mom. In the few weeks she'd been alive, Dan and I both had fallen head over heels for her. But at the end of each day, we got to go next door, have sex as loudly as we wanted to, stay out until all hours of the night