The sound of the doorbell roused me from papers I'd been grading for the last three hours. Music theory was dull even to those of us who taught it. I set my coffee aside, slipped on my house shoes, and tossed my cat out of my lap before I meandered down the hall toward the door. Glancing at the clock on the wall, I wondered who would be stopping by at seven at night. Living in the country, the only visitors I ever had were the mailman and occasionally the UPS driver. I hadn't made any friends since moving here and hadn't ordered anything. Late in the spring in South Carolina, the days linger long past dinner. When I opened the door, the features of the man standing in my doorway were blacked out by the sun setting on the horizon.I glanced behind him before shielding my eyes to meet his face. It was hard not to notice his height and broad shoulders, but when he spoke, my heart soared to the melody of his words. "Remmy?" He was clearly unsure if I was indeed who he was looking for.
I didn't hear from Dan the next day, nor the following. I'd almost given up hope I would until Monday morning between my Musical Theory class and Composition when my phone vibrated in my desk drawer. "Hello?" I answered the cell as I gathered my things to go to the lecture hall."Lissa?" "This is she.""Hey. It's Dan."I hadn't recognized the phone number since I didn't have his name in my contacts. "Hi. I didn't expect to hear from you." My tone wasn't ugly, more detached, even though I was secretly thrilled to have him on the other line. I'd been manhandled too many times in the past-I wouldn't welcome it again. My defenses were up, my inner-security back on high alert."I'm sorry. I had hoped we could go out Saturday night. When I got home, I crashed. I didn't even change clothes. I woke up mid-day on Saturday and had the worst allergy attack I've had in years. Brett ended up taking me to the ER that night for allergy shots. They knocked me out most of yesterday, and I was a
I'd called Dan on my way home. He told me to dress casually and asked how I felt about pizza and beer. My love of pizza and microbrews was as essential to my identity as Doc Martens or Chuck Taylors. The debate weighed heavily in my mind about allowing this man to see who I truly am, but the idea of trying to keep up appearances if there were a second date was draining. I wear business clothes to work because I have to, but at home, jeans and a good pair of shoes were as good as it got. "Wow." Not hello, not how ya' doing, but wow was the only word he said when I opened the door. His eyes skipped my face dragging down my fitted t-shirt, to my skinny jeans, and black Doc Martens before returning to meet my eyes."Wow, yourself." The smile I gave him was wide enough to narrow my field of vision as my eyes scrunched up. "Let me grab my keys, and we can go."When I returned to the front door, Dan and Cosmo were in the midst of a standoff. The cat's hair stood on end as he perched on t
I signed the release papers with instructions to get plenty of fluids and rest. I'd left Matt a message that the hospital would release me at lunch but hadn't heard back from him-not that I was surprised. He and my parents had only come by the hospital once and not together. I thought it had been to make sure I hadn't slit my wrists, but the reality was, it appeared they'd hoped I had. None of the three stayed long. They came in to tell me how grief-stricken they were, as if I wasn't myself, and left as quickly as they'd come. My mother and father couldn't bear to look me in the eye, but Matt had. Matt had driven nails painfully into my psyche as he spewed hate. I accepted each word knowing what I'd hear from people who never loved me would be far worse. Everything that happened was my fault. I expected nothing less. There was nothing anyone could say I hadn't already said to myself. No words could be more demeaning than those echoing in my head whether I was asleep or awake. It had be
The woman at the impound lot was less than friendly, and while she didn't say anything outright, it was more than obvious she knew who I was. Her co-worker shot me sympathetic glances but never spoke. I didn't deserve sympathy. Every glare I received, every hurtful word mouthed before or after my name, was duly earned. When the guy brought the car around, he held my stare a little longer than necessary and finally offered me a piece of advice before I left. "Get some plastic to cover up that window until you can get it replaced. Here's the card for a guy who does good work." I took the business card and his advice. The moment he stepped aside, the sight of the broken window sliced through my heart. I couldn't bear to see any more. There was no telling what was in the vehicle itself that would cause an onslaught of memories to shred my fragile spirit even further. But somehow, I had to force myself to get in...and drive away. My lungs burned trying to hold my breath, and tears stain
In the years since Joshua passed away, I had spent the vast majority of my time alone. After the trial, my family quickly became a thing of the past. Matt held on for a while, but he couldn't deal with the aftermath either, and my friends weren't able to cope. I'd managed to hold on to my job the remainder of that year and through the next, but after I was convicted, the school had not renewed my contract due to the negative publicity it brought. I'd worked odd jobs trying to get back into teaching, but my image was shot in Texas. There wasn't a soul around who didn't recognize my face or know my story. I did what I had to do to get by, but after a year without success, I started applying to colleges and universities outside of Texas.It was an adjustment having someone around regularly, but Dan was religious in his pursuit. Relentless. I tried to keep him at arm's length, for his safety more than my own, but there was never a day he didn't call or send sweet text messages. If I gave
I'd thought having Dan in my class would be awkward, but it only took a few minutes for me to forget he was there and get lost in the group. These were all seniors who played beautifully. I used them as excuses to join in, which they graciously allowed me to do. By the end of the class, Brielle, the best in the bunch had challenged me to a dual of strings. I loved this form of banter, the way the mind worked to create quick snapshots of fantastic tricks to highlight a performer's skills. It was a conversation of sorts, a musical jousting, but with the right partner, it was fun and playful. Brielle reminded me of why I'd always loved the violin. I conceded, granting her the win when the class was over. Each of the students talked gaily as they packed up their instruments. When I'd finished with my own and closed the case, Dan joined me at the podium. "Bye, Dr. Jackson. Have a great weekend.""You too. Stay out of trouble." I winked at Brielle knowing the girl likely couldn't spell
The police station had been godawful, but nothing compared to what I would face when I got home. I had talked to three different detectives who all had the same questions asked in a slightly different way, but my story never changed. I'd been exhausted. I had lived on three to four hours of sleep for months, and my body demanded rest. I had done the responsible thing. I pulled over when I realized I was too tired to drive. It was the afternoon on a busy interstate in Texas. The rest area was buzzing with people, taking a quick nap should not have resulted in anything catastrophic. Despite the number of times I recounted what I knew, another officer came in and repeated the same steps as though they were trying to get me to falter, but there was nothing to mistake. I didn't remember anything between locking the doors and waking up in the hospital. I'd sobbed with each officer, begged them to believe it had been an accident-but each one left the room with pained expressions. After six
Our story didn't stop at the courthouse. We had dinner with Brett and Annie that night and hovered around their kitchen table. My best friends allowed me to share Joshua with them and gave life to his memory. I showed them the only pictures I still had while holding Alissa in my arms. She smiled up at me as if she knew. That tiny human connected with me on a level she may never understand, but somehow, she knew-without Joshua, she wouldn't be here. Watching her run around with her friends as we celebrated her birth five years later, I couldn't help but think how foolish it would have been to walk away from all of this. Dan and I would never have children, but what we had was far better for us. Annie and Brett were more like siblings than friends, and their kids were amazing. We got to spoil them, take them anywhere we wanted, and send them home. We had family at holidays and special occasions, and we never missed out on anything either Grayson or Alissa were doing. But at the end of
I had called repeatedly, but each try had gone straight to voicemail. Either his phone was off, or it died without being charged overnight. I didn't want to speculate about which it was. I drove as quickly as I could and slammed the SUV in park in the first spot I could find before racing into the courthouse. I followed the signs to the Justice of the Peace, but when I reached the office, completely out of breath, Dan was nowhere to be found. The clock on the wall read 10:11 am. My eyes scanned the room, making sure to identify each person as a stranger before moving on to the next face. Surely, he hadn't left after ten minutes. He had to know I'd come. A guy slammed into my shoulder in his haste to rush out of the office, not even bothering to apologize for nearly knocking me over. But standing stock-still in the middle of the doorway probably wasn't the best idea. I just couldn't believe he'd left. I waited for hours for Matt to show up at the hospital, but Dan hadn't waited ten lo
My night had been restless, and just as quiet as the evening after Dan and I had gotten out of the bathtub. He left after dinner and went to Brett's house, but I didn't have the courage to ask him what he'd done while he was there. He returned in the same mood he'd left in, the one he was known for. To an outsider, he appeared unwavering-but I knew with time to think about it, he'd decide he couldn't stay."Did you want to get a new dress for tomorrow?" "For what?""To go to the courthouse? Or do you want to do the whole thing off the wall and wear jeans?" He kept unloading the dishwasher like he had asked what I needed from the grocery store. "I didn't think we were still doing that?" Maybe he'd taken up drinking.He turned toward me suddenly, dropping a dishtowel he'd used to dry his hands with. "What are you talking about? You said Monday. Tomorrow is Monday.""Dan...""No, don't Dan me. Has something changed that you don't want to marry me now?"Oh, for the love of God. I
I stood in the spot he left me in when he returned with towels from the dryer. He set them on the counter, turned off the water in the now full tub, and removed his clothes. I watched in a trance until he was before me with nothing on. With my hand in his, he stepped over the side of the bathtub and then helped me in. The garden tub was made for two, and I nestled myself between his legs while he leaned back. The bubbles created a cover, hiding our bodies except for the parts of us not under the water. My fingers fidgeted nervously with the white foam until he took my hand and wound his fingers between mine.He might have been waiting for me to start, but I didn't know what to say. The silence was painful, and I ran through the scenarios of how this might play out...none of which ended well."What was his name?" The words of inquiry fanned out against my skin like a warm blanket. They were gentle and softly spoken, inviting me to open up about a piece of me I hadn't shared with anyon
We walked into the sanctuary with two minutes to spare. Brett quickly found Dan, and Annie was in a tizzy. Alissa was nestled into a cradle her dad had created with his arm completely unaffected by her father's helpless panic. "Dude, slow down. What's wrong?"I held Dan's hand in front of Brett, but Alissa had my attention. Just as Brett started to answer Dan's question, Annie came around the corner. Her face was flush, and if I had to bet, I'd say she was roughly two minutes from pulling her hair out.I hadn't heard anything Brett said to my fiancé. The moment Annie got close enough, I saw why she was distressed. Grayson had spit up all over his christening gown...and it stunk, even from here.People started to fill the pews. "What do you need me to do, Annie?"Brett stepped in, suddenly relieved and in control. "Nothing. We're good. Dan went to get stuff out of the car."My brow scrunched in confusion. I had no idea what was going on or how Dan was helping."Seriously, Lissa.
The time on my phone couldn't be right. There was no way it was a quarter to eight. Somehow in my haste to get to sleep I either hadn't turned on my alarm or had turned it off an hour ago when it rang. I threw the covers back and practically fell out of bed. The thud of my body on the floor woke Dan whose concern, while well intended, only slowed my progress out the door."Let me go. I have fifteen minutes to get to Annie's house, and I had planned to shower before I went."He didn't relinquish his grasp on me once he got up. "Lissa, calm down. You aren't going to do anyone any good in a panic." I relaxed until I felt the tension in his arms subside and then made my break. "I'll be back. Can you get the gifts out of the closet and throw them in the bags on the kitchen counter? There's tissue paper there, too.""Sure, where are they?"I raced around tearing my pajamas off to put on a bra and some real clothes. As much as I loved Brett, I wasn't interested in him seeing any more of
"You look like shit, Lissa. Did you have a baby that keeps you up at night, and I missed it?"I swung my attention to Annie to find her giggling to herself. "You don't look so hot yourself, heifer." The wink I shot her direction ensured she saw my playfulness. "I haven't slept all that well the last couple nights." I didn't need to tell her why."Bad dreams?" She'd become a pro at this whole parenting gig. She never missed a beat with either kid and managed to hold completely coherent, adult conversations while breastfeeding one and changing the other. Anyone else would need more hands but not Annie Ryann. "I don't know what it is. Just not getting a lot of rest."She stopped what she was doing and gave me the eye. The one that told me she didn't believe a word I said. I scooped Alissa up and ignored her."Spill it.""There's nothing to spill. I'm just not sleeping well.""Are you nervous about getting married?"Her question was natural, based on the fact that event loomed jus
I'd spent most of the summer with Annie, Alissa, and Grayson while Dan and Brett worked. As my vacation neared its end, I got excited about returning to work. I couldn't wait to be around my students again and the music. I dreaded seeing Rob, but hopefully, he'd be somewhat human now that some time had passed. I hadn't heard from him in the time I'd been off except for the email he sent out to the department today about meetings over the next couple weeks. It would be strange being away from the kids. Annie and I were more like co-mothers, with her taking the lead and the long nights. But I'd spent several of those with her as well. I knew how exhausting one infant was...I couldn't leave her alone with two, and Brett still had to work. Maybe it was an excuse to feel like I was an important part of their lives and their team. Maybe it gave me a piece of what I'd lost years earlier. Either way, I found myself having to be pried away from them. When I told Annie to let me know if I got
The addition of Alissa Danielle to our tribe had been profound. I loved being able to walk across the driveway to relieve my friend in the morning so she could shower, take a nap, or whatever else she was in the mood to do. I didn't care what it was. I'd help her with laundry, cleaning, anything to keep her from experiencing the sleep deprivation that had caused the end of the world I knew. It was twice as bad for her because with each passing day, she became more pregnant and less able to move...or stay awake. I took advantage of the time she granted me with Alissa and tried to maintain the bond the two of us shared. I knew it would change over time, but I hoped as she grew older it would strengthen in different ways. I wanted to be her friend, her confidant, her second mom. In the few weeks she'd been alive, Dan and I both had fallen head over heels for her. But at the end of each day, we got to go next door, have sex as loudly as we wanted to, stay out until all hours of the night