4

Star

His words don’t make sense. My whole body feels like it is on fire. I’m an ordinary girl. I live an ordinary life. All of this is unbelievable stuff. Stuff of gangster movies.

“He wants you,” he repeats glumly. “Me? What do you mean me?”

He covers his face. “Fuck, Star. Do I have to spell it out to you? He wants you … your body.” I frown. “My body? Why would the owner of a gambling club want my body?”

“You don’t need me to tell you why.”

“But he doesn’t know who I am. I could be a frumpy, middle-aged housewife for all he knows.”

His brow furrows. “I’m beginning to think that someone is jealous of me. They know that the most important thing in my life is you, and the best way to destroy me is to get to you.”

Nigel goes on talking, but I stop hearing him.

“He didn’t use the hammer because you agreed to let him have me, didn’t you?” I ask, my body crawling with revulsion.

“No,” he denies, looking at me with wide eyes, and shaking his head vigorously.

“Oh, my God. You damn coward. That’s what last night was all about, wasn’t it? You thought you could manipulate me into selling my body to pay off your gambling debts.”

Suddenly, the light goes out of his eyes. He just looks defeated. “No, Star. I meant it all. Every word I said. I’m not giving you away to anyone. I love you. He let me walk because I told him I would persuade you, but I have a different plan.”

“What plan?” I spit. I don’t believe him anymore. He’s lied again so much I feel as if I’ve been married to a stranger.

He looks me in the eye. “Last night was me saying goodbye. My life insurance is worth one million. If

I die in an accident tomorrow the mortgage on this house will be fully paid, and you will be the beneficiary of a million pounds. You’ll be able to pay my debt off and still have half a million and some change in your bank account.” He smiles.

I stare at him in utter disbelief. This is just becoming more and more surreal. “Are you completely mad?”

“Far from it. I want to make it right for you.”

“You want to make it right by killing yourself, and leaving me a widow?” He stares into my eyes. “This is the only way to save your father.”

I feel that like a shot in my solar plexus. My dad. Oh, God. My dad.

“Remember, I always said I’d die for you. You always used to scoff that you’d have to see it to believe it. Now you know that I meant every word.”

“This is madness. I can’t believe this.”

“I haven’t been a good man. I’ve been wrapped up in myself, my own needs and pleasure, but for the first time in my life I’m the one willingly making the sacrifice. I feel good about my decision. I’m putting you before me”

“No,” I shout.

“There is no other option, Star.”

I take a lungful of air. My chest feels too tight. “There is another option.”

He shoots up so suddenly, his chair falls backwards, making me jump. He looks down at me, his eyes hard. “What kind of man do you think I am? As long as there’s breath in my body I’ll never let him have you. God, even the thought makes my skin crawl.”

I stand up too, and words I never dreamed I would ever say, stream out of my mouth. “What kind of woman do you think I am? Do you think I’ll let you die to pay a debt when all I have to do is spread my legs once?”

“Besides the fact that it wouldn’t be just once, I couldn’t live with myself if my wife had to pay my debts with her pure body. I might as well be dead if I allow you to do that.”

I swallow hard. “How many times would it be?” “For fuck’s sake, Star.”

“Answer me.”

“Why? It’s not an option. I’m not going to let you do it.” My fists clench. “Answer me, goddamn you,” I scream.

He looks shocked. I’ve never raised my voice like that to him. “A month,” he whispers.

“I’d just go to him every night for a month?” I say coldly. He flinches. “You’ll have to stay with him.”

“Will anything be down in writing?”

He kicks the fallen chair. “There’s a contract.”

“Will it just be straight sex, or will … there be other kinky things I’ll have to do?” “He let me look at the contract. Nothing will happen without your consent.”

My legs suddenly feel like jelly and I flop back into the chair. I look up at him. “I’ll do it.”

He sits down and covers my shaking hand with his own. His hand is warm. “Please, Star. I don’t want you to do this.”

I get off my chair. I can’t bear him touching me right now. I begin to pace the dining room. He doesn’t move, he just sits with his head in his hands. I take deep breaths to calm my thoughts. If my Dad knew? I think of my father lying in hospital fighting for his life and just like that, my decision is made. I go back to the table and stand in front of Nigel. “We’ve got no savings so if you die, the insurance company needs at least a few months to issue a check, don’t they?”

He nods.

“What happens to Dad until then?”

“Can’t you ask your mother, or your sister to help?” His voice trembles.

I bite my lip and close my eyes so he will not see how much he has hurt me. I won’t let you down, Dad.

“When do I need to go to his house?” I ask when I open my eyes. He buries his face in his hands again. “I can’t let you do this.” “It’s tonight, isn’t it?”

He nods brokenly.

“Contact him. Arrange for me to go there tonight. Make sure the contract is ready for me to sign.” He grabs my hand. “I can handle this. I just need a bit of time. I don’t want you to do this for me.” “Rest easy, dear husband of mine. I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing it for my dad,” I say coldly. He flinches as if I have hit him. “I won’t let you do this,” he blurts out suddenly.

“You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore. You lost that right when you deceived me and put us in this mess.”

I snatch my hand away from him and stand up. Quick as lightning, he catches it again. “Where are you going?”

“I need to shower, Nigel.” My voice sounds dead and flat. “Look, I’m going to try and arrange a temporary loan.”

I look at him with bitter eyes. “Don’t bother. You’ll just be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Here’s the deal. You will get on the phone right now and you will make an appointment to seek help with your addiction. Until you have been cured you will come straight back after work to this house every night. Do you understand?”

He nods.

I lean in closer. “What’s more, if you visit another club, or place another bet again, do not expect me to be here for you.”

He swallows and nods again. “Good.”

“I love you,” he says softly, his eyes glistening with tears.

That stops me in my tracks. I have never seen Nigel cry. Not even when his mother died last year. “I love you too, Nigel, but you’ve really hurt me with this one. I never saw it coming. I feel as if I don’t even know you.”

He grabs my hand with both of his. “You know me. I am the man you fell in love with. I’ve just been a fool. I was lost. Now when I look back I can’t believe I did what I did.”

“It’s okay. We’ll work through this,” I say dully. “There has to be another way.”

“The other way is both you and my father die.”

“This is such a fucking mess. I’m sorry, Star. I’m so sorry.”

“So am I,” I say softly. The truth is I feel completely numb. I actually feel nothing. Not fear, sadness, horror, revulsion, not even anger. Maybe, I’m in shock, but everything feels unreal. Like a dream that I will wake up from.

“I don’t care what I lose as long as I don’t lose you,” he cries. I nod, too numb to care. Then I break away and go upstairs.