But—I don’t even remember it,” Sophia weeps. “I was too drunk. I didn’t even want to do it. I—I kept calling out Rennie’s name for help, but she didn’t answer.”Mary and I look at each other in horror. Oh my God. “Sophia, that was rape,” I say. “That wasn’t just a bad first time. That was straight up-rape.”She’s shaking her head. “No, it wasn’t like that. I didn’t, like, push him off of me.”“You didn’t push that effer off because you were too drunk!” I yell.The louder I yell, the quieter Sophia gets. Her voice sounds feeble when she says, “He was drunk too. I don’t even know if he heard me say no, that’s the thing.” She’s curled up, hugging her knees to her chest, her hair falling around her face. “I doubt he thinks it was rape. I don’t even know if I think it was rape. I went upstairs with him; I kissed him back; I let him do all that stuff. I didn’t scream for help or anything.”“Sophia, if you weren’t in your right mind to say yes, that means it was rape, I’m telling you! That’s
The plant weighs a freaking ton, but I manage to carry it up to his front door. I hear the party going on inside, people cheering at something on television. I set the plant down on the ground, run my fingers quick through my curls, and ring the doorbell.Okay, Sophia. Showtime. I’m nervous, but I’m excited, too. To make things right, to fix what I’ve screwed up. To feel like myself again.The door opens, and it takes me a second to recognize the person who answers.Rennie. She folds her arms across her chest. She’s dressed in a football jersey and a pair of leggings, bare feet, her hair pulled up in a sloppy bun at the tippy top of her head. I feel completely ridiculous and wrong in my fancy clothes.“I can’t even believe you’d have the nerve to show up here,” she spits out.“I need to talk to Leonid,” I say.She lets out a harsh laugh. “You think he wants to talk to you? He’s through with you. He finally sees you for what you are. A f**king bitch.”Helplessly, I look past her into t
I keep concentrating on cutting my lettuce into tiny pieces and dipping each one into the dressing.Derek plops down with a tray full of french fries and says, “Yo! Did you guys hear about how Mr. Dunlevy got a DUI over the weekend?”“Yeah, I heard,” Rennie says. “Coach Christy was pissed. I mean, he gets paid extra to teach us driver’s ed.”I take another bite of salad. Chew. Chew. Chew.“Sophia, weren’t you and Leonid in driver’s ed with him last year?” Alex asks. “Did he ever smell like booze?”I shrug. Leonid shrugs too. Neither of us says anything. “Huh,” Alex says, and there’s this slight edge in his voice. He’s looking at me, and then he jerks his thumb in Leonid direction. “You were so chummy-chummy at your party on Friday. And now you can barely stand to look at each other. What gives?”I almost choke on the piece of hard-boiled egg in my mouth. It tastes like dust.Lazily, Leonid says, “Sophia and I remembered that we don’t actually like each other,” and Rennie smiles a cat
Leonid throws up his hands. “All right. I can see that I’m not wanted. Ungracious prick. I’m out.” He yells out toward the pool house, “Merry Christmas, kids! Santa’s getting his ass kicked out.” And then he stumbles off toward the gate.Nadia and a couple of Alex’s older cousins have come outside; they’re watching us from the front of the pool house with wide eyes.I take Alex’s arm. “He shouldn’t drive,” I say. “He’s drunk.”Alex doesn’t make a move; he just watches as Leonid stalks off. I push Alex in Leonid direction as hard as I can. “Hurry, Alex!”Reluctantly, Alex follows him. “Give me your keys. I’ll drive you home.”Leonid tosses his keys out onto the lawn. “Nah, I’ll walk.”“Leonid!” I call out. “Let him take you.”But he’s already halfway down the street, his black puffy coat blending into the night sky. I go looking for his keys, but it’s too dark. Alex comes back to my side and shrugs. “Give me your phone,” I say to him, and he hands it to me. I use it like a flashlight a
Calmdowncalmdowncalmdown.“What’s that noise?” my mom asks.“It’s Mary,” Aunt Bette says. “I told you. She’s ready to go home.”I hear my mom say, “Bette, please. Please stop torturing me like this.”I’m still standing on the stairs, stuck in place. Something is wrong. Very wrong. Suddenly I’m afraid to go down there.“You need help, Bette,” my mom says, and she sounds like she’s crying. “I’m taking you away from here. This house is making you sick.”“No no, I’m fine, Erica,” Aunt Bette says desperately. “She wants to leave! She wants to leave with you! I’ll be better when she’s gone!”“This house is in shambles, and you’re—you’re not well,” my mom chokes out. “You can’t stay here any longer.”Aunt Bette backs up. “You can’t go without Mary. She’s going to be upset. She’s going to hurt someone.”“We’re leaving. Now.” Mom has the door open. I stare at it and force it closed. She’s shocked as the knob flies out of her hand. The door bangs shut, and the dead bolt clicks.Aunt Bette cries
The muscle in Leonid’s jaw twitches. Stonily he says, “If you cared that much, you would have told me that Sophia came by the day of my open house. But you didn’t. You saw how upset I was, but you said nothing.” To me he says, “Let’s go.”Desperately Rennie cries, “Wait! Wait.” She stumbles in her heels and straightens up again. “I was going to drop this bomb at midnight, but screw it.” She doesn’t take her eyes off me as she says, “Sophia drugged you at homecoming. She put something in your drink. I found a picture of her doing it!”Everything goes slow-motion for me. As I turn my head to look at Leonid , I feel like I’m underwater.Rennie is panting. Waiting for Leonid to say something. “Let me show you the photo. I’ll show you. I’m not lying, Leonid ! I’ve never lied to you.” She smirks at me. “Guess what, Sophia? Your perfect life is over. You’re going to jail, you stupid bitch.”It’s over. I’m done for. Leonid, my friends, my whole entire life is ruined.Leonid face is expression
I’M HIGH UP IN THE rear balcony of Holy Lady of the Sea, and it is pure agony. There aren’t enough tears in the whole wide world. My sobs echo those of the congregation below me.There is a brass urn on the white marble altar. And a sea of flowers. Roses and mums and lilies and snapdragons, a cross made of white carnations, wreaths with pink ribbons hanging down the front. So many flowers, even though it’s snowing on the other side of the stained-glass windows.I don’t know when I got here. I don’t know what day it is. I don’t know the time.An old lady takes a seat at the organ behind me and begins a sad hymn. Everyone stands up, and the preacher walks somberly down the center aisle, followed by two altar boys holding big wooden crosses. It is a struggle for my mom to keep up. I see her through my tears. Black pencil skirt, black sweater. She can barely stand. Aunt Bette supports her on one side, my father on the other.I rub my eyes and look again. It’s not my mom. It’s Ms. Holtz. S
I guess so.” I don’t want to hurt Mary. That’s the last thing I want. And this thing with Leonid really is over. Maybe Kat’s right.I park in Mary’s driveway, right behind her aunt’s Volvo. It doesn’t look like anyone’s shoveled the snow; it’s melting in patches. When I get out of the car, the bottoms of my boots crunch on broken glass. Selena and I look at each other, uneasy.We go up to the front door and ring the bell, but no one answers. I have this weird feeling, like someone is watching us. It’s the prickly-back-of-the-neck feeling I get late at night when the whole house is asleep and I go downstairs to get a glass of water. I always run back to my room fast.Selena starts knocking on the door, hard.“This is creepy,” I whisper.Selena keeps knocking until her knuckles turn red. “Shit.” She presses up close to the window. “It looks like a tornado blew through there.”I press my nose up against the glass. Oh my God. The dining room chairs are knocked over; the entryway table is
I miss you,” I whisper between kisses. Then I look up at him, and my pulse quickens as I wait for him to answer.A cocky smile spreads across his face. “Course you do. You can’t get enough of me.”I stiffen. I come over here in the middle of the night against my better judgment, and he’s joking around like it’s nothing? Is everything a joke to him? I stand up straight and try to push him away, but he doesn’t let me. His voice gets serious as he says, “I miss you, too. You know I do. I . . . I just don’t know how to act. Everything’s so f**ked up.”I sigh. “I wish . . .” I stop, and Leonid pushes my hair out of my eyes.“Your hair’s wet.”“I just had a bath,” I say, and he nods.“What were you going to say?” he asks me. “What do you wish?”“I wish it didn’t have to be like this. It’s so . . . complicated.” More than Leonid even knows. “We haven’t talked about Rennie once.”He looks down at the ground. “I don’t want to talk about Rennie right now.”I’m about to say, If not now, then whe
Pat gives me the eye. “What do you think?”I shake my head. “That little pot-smoking pig! You know, he threatened to put me and Lil in jail for insulting an officer.”“Dummy. But wait. What was going on?”I sigh and turn down the heat. I don’t even know where to begin. “You remember that girl I brought to Ricky’s basement on Halloween night?”“The one who helped herself to one of my beers and then didn’t drink a damn sip?”“Oh, shut up. I gave you money for both of us. Anyway, yes. That girl. She . . . she basically disappeared.”Pat shrugs. “Not surprised. She was weird.”“She wasn’t weird.” But even as I say it, I know I’m lying. Mary was weird. I love the girl to death, but she wasn’t exactly normal.“She was too. Okay, not ‘weird’ as in ‘freaky.’ But . . . she seemed like she’d never been to a party before.”“She probably hadn’t. She’s very sheltered.”I pull two pieces of steak out of the pan and put them in Shep’s food bowl. He loves steak. But he barely sniffs them. He doesn’t
I hear Alex say, “How are you holding up?”I can hear the surprise in Leonid’s voice when he says, “I’m all right.”“Come on, man. I know how much you cared about her.” Alex pauses. “I’m still pissed at you for going after Sophia ”“That’s over.”It hurts to hear him say it, but it’s time.Then Alex says, “If you ever want to talk—I’m here for you.”There’s this long beat, and I’m holding my breath, hoping. Hoping that Leonid will let him in. Alex has always known how to talk to Leonid. His opinion is the only one Leonid has ever really cared about besides Rennie’s.Gruffly Leonid says, “I’m good. But thanks.”I let out the breath I was holding. Then I hear Alex say, “All right,” and then a few seconds later the front door opens and closes.I step out, thinking it’s Leonid who left. Only it wasn’t.Leonid looks up and sees me standing there. “Oh, hey,” he says, startled.“Hey,” I say. I busy myself picking up plastic cups.We work in silence. When we’re almost done, I hear a muffled s
I guess so.” I don’t want to hurt Mary. That’s the last thing I want. And this thing with Leonid really is over. Maybe Kat’s right.I park in Mary’s driveway, right behind her aunt’s Volvo. It doesn’t look like anyone’s shoveled the snow; it’s melting in patches. When I get out of the car, the bottoms of my boots crunch on broken glass. Selena and I look at each other, uneasy.We go up to the front door and ring the bell, but no one answers. I have this weird feeling, like someone is watching us. It’s the prickly-back-of-the-neck feeling I get late at night when the whole house is asleep and I go downstairs to get a glass of water. I always run back to my room fast.Selena starts knocking on the door, hard.“This is creepy,” I whisper.Selena keeps knocking until her knuckles turn red. “Shit.” She presses up close to the window. “It looks like a tornado blew through there.”I press my nose up against the glass. Oh my God. The dining room chairs are knocked over; the entryway table is
I’M HIGH UP IN THE rear balcony of Holy Lady of the Sea, and it is pure agony. There aren’t enough tears in the whole wide world. My sobs echo those of the congregation below me.There is a brass urn on the white marble altar. And a sea of flowers. Roses and mums and lilies and snapdragons, a cross made of white carnations, wreaths with pink ribbons hanging down the front. So many flowers, even though it’s snowing on the other side of the stained-glass windows.I don’t know when I got here. I don’t know what day it is. I don’t know the time.An old lady takes a seat at the organ behind me and begins a sad hymn. Everyone stands up, and the preacher walks somberly down the center aisle, followed by two altar boys holding big wooden crosses. It is a struggle for my mom to keep up. I see her through my tears. Black pencil skirt, black sweater. She can barely stand. Aunt Bette supports her on one side, my father on the other.I rub my eyes and look again. It’s not my mom. It’s Ms. Holtz. S
The muscle in Leonid’s jaw twitches. Stonily he says, “If you cared that much, you would have told me that Sophia came by the day of my open house. But you didn’t. You saw how upset I was, but you said nothing.” To me he says, “Let’s go.”Desperately Rennie cries, “Wait! Wait.” She stumbles in her heels and straightens up again. “I was going to drop this bomb at midnight, but screw it.” She doesn’t take her eyes off me as she says, “Sophia drugged you at homecoming. She put something in your drink. I found a picture of her doing it!”Everything goes slow-motion for me. As I turn my head to look at Leonid , I feel like I’m underwater.Rennie is panting. Waiting for Leonid to say something. “Let me show you the photo. I’ll show you. I’m not lying, Leonid ! I’ve never lied to you.” She smirks at me. “Guess what, Sophia? Your perfect life is over. You’re going to jail, you stupid bitch.”It’s over. I’m done for. Leonid, my friends, my whole entire life is ruined.Leonid face is expression
Calmdowncalmdowncalmdown.“What’s that noise?” my mom asks.“It’s Mary,” Aunt Bette says. “I told you. She’s ready to go home.”I hear my mom say, “Bette, please. Please stop torturing me like this.”I’m still standing on the stairs, stuck in place. Something is wrong. Very wrong. Suddenly I’m afraid to go down there.“You need help, Bette,” my mom says, and she sounds like she’s crying. “I’m taking you away from here. This house is making you sick.”“No no, I’m fine, Erica,” Aunt Bette says desperately. “She wants to leave! She wants to leave with you! I’ll be better when she’s gone!”“This house is in shambles, and you’re—you’re not well,” my mom chokes out. “You can’t stay here any longer.”Aunt Bette backs up. “You can’t go without Mary. She’s going to be upset. She’s going to hurt someone.”“We’re leaving. Now.” Mom has the door open. I stare at it and force it closed. She’s shocked as the knob flies out of her hand. The door bangs shut, and the dead bolt clicks.Aunt Bette cries
Leonid throws up his hands. “All right. I can see that I’m not wanted. Ungracious prick. I’m out.” He yells out toward the pool house, “Merry Christmas, kids! Santa’s getting his ass kicked out.” And then he stumbles off toward the gate.Nadia and a couple of Alex’s older cousins have come outside; they’re watching us from the front of the pool house with wide eyes.I take Alex’s arm. “He shouldn’t drive,” I say. “He’s drunk.”Alex doesn’t make a move; he just watches as Leonid stalks off. I push Alex in Leonid direction as hard as I can. “Hurry, Alex!”Reluctantly, Alex follows him. “Give me your keys. I’ll drive you home.”Leonid tosses his keys out onto the lawn. “Nah, I’ll walk.”“Leonid!” I call out. “Let him take you.”But he’s already halfway down the street, his black puffy coat blending into the night sky. I go looking for his keys, but it’s too dark. Alex comes back to my side and shrugs. “Give me your phone,” I say to him, and he hands it to me. I use it like a flashlight a
I keep concentrating on cutting my lettuce into tiny pieces and dipping each one into the dressing.Derek plops down with a tray full of french fries and says, “Yo! Did you guys hear about how Mr. Dunlevy got a DUI over the weekend?”“Yeah, I heard,” Rennie says. “Coach Christy was pissed. I mean, he gets paid extra to teach us driver’s ed.”I take another bite of salad. Chew. Chew. Chew.“Sophia, weren’t you and Leonid in driver’s ed with him last year?” Alex asks. “Did he ever smell like booze?”I shrug. Leonid shrugs too. Neither of us says anything. “Huh,” Alex says, and there’s this slight edge in his voice. He’s looking at me, and then he jerks his thumb in Leonid direction. “You were so chummy-chummy at your party on Friday. And now you can barely stand to look at each other. What gives?”I almost choke on the piece of hard-boiled egg in my mouth. It tastes like dust.Lazily, Leonid says, “Sophia and I remembered that we don’t actually like each other,” and Rennie smiles a cat