I reach out and touch his arm. His shirt is so unbelievably soft, and I feel his bicep underneath. It’s big and tight and cut, probably from the weeks he’s spent on crutches. I say, “I’m so sorry you got hurt at the dance.” And despite everything Leonid did to me, it feels good to apologize. Because I truly did not mean for him to be hurt so bad that his whole life might be screwed up.He shrugs his shoulders. “Shit happens, you know?”“Yup,” I say, nodding, because it is true. “Shit happens.” It happens to all of us.There’s an awkward second, where neither of us knows what to say. Leonid rustles his hand through his hair. “I should go find my friends. Hope you make it out of here alive.” He positions his crutches and goes to take a step forward, but I shift my body so he can’t. It gives me a surge of adrenaline.Put myself out there. That was Selena’s advice.What do I have to lose?“It’s, um, been a long time, huh?” The words get kind of caught up in my throat.Leonid’s head falls
You’re such a good guy,” I say, nodding. I glance over at Leonid. He’s struggling to his feet, balancing on one crutch. Rennie says to him, “Where are you going?”His face is red. “Home. This sucks.”Rennie makes a pouty face, but he isn’t even looking at her. He’s already leaving, swinging away on his crutches. “Leonid, just stay a little longer,” she pleads. “I’ll drive you home in a bit.”I call out, “Byeeee! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!” and then laugh hysterically.He ignores me and lurches off into the night. As soon as he’s gone, Rennie comes over and gets in my face. She hisses, “Are you serious right now?”Before I can say yes, I am totally 1,000 percent serious right now, Alex says, “Dude, she’s drunk. She doesn’t know what she’s saying.”“I do too!” I say, poking him in the chest.Rennie’s face is flushed as she says, “I don’t care if she’s drunk. She’s being a bitch.”“Takes one to know one,” I mutter.Rennie blinks. “Excuse me?”I sit up straight. “You baile
On the way to pick up Sophia , I try calling Mary’s house, to tell her we’re coming, but no one answers. Shit. Maybe we shouldn’t have let her go on her own last night. I get this nervous feeling in my stomach. What if her fight with Leonid sent her off the deep end again? What if she . . .I don’t even want to think about it.Sophia waiting for me on the front steps. She’s got on a pair of loose-fitting jeans and a hoodie, and sunglasses over her eyes. Her hair is still wet. She walks slowly up to my car, like she’s a zombie. I give her the egg sandwich. “Here.”“Oh, awesome,” she says. “You’re the best, Selena.”“Wild night?” I ask, watching her out of the corner of my eye.“Kind of. A bunch of people went to hang out in the cemetery. I got a little tipsy . . . I kept yelling at Leonid about what a jerk he is until he finally left.”I give Sophia a high five for that.“I got into it with Rennie, too. We’re officially frenemies now.” Sophia smiles, but I can tell her heart isn’t in i
Beth had auburn hair; it was long enough to put in a ponytail, but barely. She had on a ton of eyeliner and no lipstick, and a big black T-shirt with slashed arms that she wore as a dress. She looked like she was twenty-two even though she was probably only eighteen. “Look at those little hoochies in the making,” she cracked, lighting up a cigarette. Her voice was low and husky.Patrick snorted, and I lowered my eyes. Through my lashes I sneaked a peek at her. She had her legs stretched out on the coffee table even though she still had shoes on. “Let’s go upstairs,” I whispered, but Selena ignored me.“Us?” Selena said. “Look at you. Where are your pants? In the back of somebody’s truck?”Beth guffawed with hoarse laughter and took a drag of her cigarette. She looked sexy when she did it, like she was in a movie.“Excuse me, but you’re not allowed to smoke in the house,” Rennie said, her hands on her hips.Patrick tapped a cigarette out of Beth’s box. “Go play outside, little girls. W
“Well, don’t bother me,” he says. “I’m here to work, not to talk. That’s why I come here alone.”“But you asked me—”“I need this lane and I need this stuff here,” he says. “Don’t touch any of it.” Then he goes back to his exercises.Seething, I grab a kickboard from the stack and make my way over to the pool ladder at the deep end. It seems like this pool only has deep ends, no shallow ends. I start to go down one rung at a time, very carefully. The water is heated, but it still feels icy to me. I’ve already got goose bumps. This is so not worth it.And my feet are still planted on the ladder.If I were to take the swim test, I’d have to dive in and get from one end of the pool to the other two times without stopping to rest. Plus tread water for three minutes, plus float for one minute. I can’t do any of those things.I mean, I know how to doggy-paddle. I don’t know the official strokes or whatever, but who cares? I’m not going to drown in my own pool. I don’t like putting my head u
I say, “Leonid, you were wasted at the dance!”His eyes narrow. “No, I wasn’t. They did a drug test on me on the hospital. It came up positive for MDMA.Oh. My. God. “I don’t even know what MDMA is!” I cry.“It’s ecstasy. And you know that because you’re the one who put it in my drink.”“You were drunk by the time you got to Ash’s house. I saw you guys drinking out of a flask, you were drinking in the limo, you were drinking at the dance! How can you be so sure that the punch I supposedly gave you had that MD whatever in it? Because I know so many drug dealers!”At this, Leonid finally releases my arm, and I massage it even though it doesn’t hurt. I can see marks from where his fingers were. “I’m telling you, it wasn’t me.” He’s confused, he’s still angry, but I can see that he wants to believe me.Leonid’s mouth gets hard; his eyes narrow. He spits out, “Those guys you met on the beach were drug dealers! Rennie took me to their house so I could score weed for our fishing trip.”My wh
I want to push him off the bleacher. And then it occurs to me. It’s the second time he’s told me to have fun.Which is boy speak for “I’m jealous.” Leonid is jealous! Of Alex. Of me and Alex, together.It’s working. The plan is working!I pack my bag up and say, “So are we getting pancakes or not?”“I thought you had to pack,” he challenges.“I might have time for one pancake,” I say, giving him what I hope are flirty eyes.Leonid Leonid stands up, stretching. “All right. Whatever Princess Sophia wants, she gets.” But I can tell he’s happy, because he puts his hands on my shoulders and gives them a quick squeeze.Wednesday night, I’m still thinking about what Ms. Chirazo said about my college essay. Maybe I’m being stupid. I should do whatever the hell it takes to take to get into Oberlin and score some good financial aid. Ain’t no way private planes are in my future. And I don’t know why, but no matter how many beers I drink, I can’t stop thinking about Alex and Sophia jetting off to
Alex turns to me with a big grin on his face “You want to go for a walk or something? I’m not tired.”“Now?” It’s after midnight, and I’m basically in my sleeping clothes. “But we’ve got school tomorrow.” Plus, my feet kind of hurt from all the walking we did today. I’ve got two blisters coming, one on each pinkie toe. I didn’t want to wear heels, but Mom insisted because I was going to an interview. And when we were strolling around Wellesley’s campus, she leaned in and whispered, “Never, ever, ever, Sophia,” and pointed to a group of girls who were walking to class in PJ bottoms and slippers. I rolled my eyes, because yeah, right, like I would ever.“Come on, Sophia. Let’s have an adventure without any chaperones.” He groans. “This was supposed to be a trip about our futures, but I haven’t felt more like a little kid in a long time.”I laugh. I know what he means. Both our moms were completely on top of us today. They asked, like, double the questions Alex and I did on the college t
I miss you,” I whisper between kisses. Then I look up at him, and my pulse quickens as I wait for him to answer.A cocky smile spreads across his face. “Course you do. You can’t get enough of me.”I stiffen. I come over here in the middle of the night against my better judgment, and he’s joking around like it’s nothing? Is everything a joke to him? I stand up straight and try to push him away, but he doesn’t let me. His voice gets serious as he says, “I miss you, too. You know I do. I . . . I just don’t know how to act. Everything’s so f**ked up.”I sigh. “I wish . . .” I stop, and Leonid pushes my hair out of my eyes.“Your hair’s wet.”“I just had a bath,” I say, and he nods.“What were you going to say?” he asks me. “What do you wish?”“I wish it didn’t have to be like this. It’s so . . . complicated.” More than Leonid even knows. “We haven’t talked about Rennie once.”He looks down at the ground. “I don’t want to talk about Rennie right now.”I’m about to say, If not now, then whe
Pat gives me the eye. “What do you think?”I shake my head. “That little pot-smoking pig! You know, he threatened to put me and Lil in jail for insulting an officer.”“Dummy. But wait. What was going on?”I sigh and turn down the heat. I don’t even know where to begin. “You remember that girl I brought to Ricky’s basement on Halloween night?”“The one who helped herself to one of my beers and then didn’t drink a damn sip?”“Oh, shut up. I gave you money for both of us. Anyway, yes. That girl. She . . . she basically disappeared.”Pat shrugs. “Not surprised. She was weird.”“She wasn’t weird.” But even as I say it, I know I’m lying. Mary was weird. I love the girl to death, but she wasn’t exactly normal.“She was too. Okay, not ‘weird’ as in ‘freaky.’ But . . . she seemed like she’d never been to a party before.”“She probably hadn’t. She’s very sheltered.”I pull two pieces of steak out of the pan and put them in Shep’s food bowl. He loves steak. But he barely sniffs them. He doesn’t
I hear Alex say, “How are you holding up?”I can hear the surprise in Leonid’s voice when he says, “I’m all right.”“Come on, man. I know how much you cared about her.” Alex pauses. “I’m still pissed at you for going after Sophia ”“That’s over.”It hurts to hear him say it, but it’s time.Then Alex says, “If you ever want to talk—I’m here for you.”There’s this long beat, and I’m holding my breath, hoping. Hoping that Leonid will let him in. Alex has always known how to talk to Leonid. His opinion is the only one Leonid has ever really cared about besides Rennie’s.Gruffly Leonid says, “I’m good. But thanks.”I let out the breath I was holding. Then I hear Alex say, “All right,” and then a few seconds later the front door opens and closes.I step out, thinking it’s Leonid who left. Only it wasn’t.Leonid looks up and sees me standing there. “Oh, hey,” he says, startled.“Hey,” I say. I busy myself picking up plastic cups.We work in silence. When we’re almost done, I hear a muffled s
I guess so.” I don’t want to hurt Mary. That’s the last thing I want. And this thing with Leonid really is over. Maybe Kat’s right.I park in Mary’s driveway, right behind her aunt’s Volvo. It doesn’t look like anyone’s shoveled the snow; it’s melting in patches. When I get out of the car, the bottoms of my boots crunch on broken glass. Selena and I look at each other, uneasy.We go up to the front door and ring the bell, but no one answers. I have this weird feeling, like someone is watching us. It’s the prickly-back-of-the-neck feeling I get late at night when the whole house is asleep and I go downstairs to get a glass of water. I always run back to my room fast.Selena starts knocking on the door, hard.“This is creepy,” I whisper.Selena keeps knocking until her knuckles turn red. “Shit.” She presses up close to the window. “It looks like a tornado blew through there.”I press my nose up against the glass. Oh my God. The dining room chairs are knocked over; the entryway table is
I’M HIGH UP IN THE rear balcony of Holy Lady of the Sea, and it is pure agony. There aren’t enough tears in the whole wide world. My sobs echo those of the congregation below me.There is a brass urn on the white marble altar. And a sea of flowers. Roses and mums and lilies and snapdragons, a cross made of white carnations, wreaths with pink ribbons hanging down the front. So many flowers, even though it’s snowing on the other side of the stained-glass windows.I don’t know when I got here. I don’t know what day it is. I don’t know the time.An old lady takes a seat at the organ behind me and begins a sad hymn. Everyone stands up, and the preacher walks somberly down the center aisle, followed by two altar boys holding big wooden crosses. It is a struggle for my mom to keep up. I see her through my tears. Black pencil skirt, black sweater. She can barely stand. Aunt Bette supports her on one side, my father on the other.I rub my eyes and look again. It’s not my mom. It’s Ms. Holtz. S
The muscle in Leonid’s jaw twitches. Stonily he says, “If you cared that much, you would have told me that Sophia came by the day of my open house. But you didn’t. You saw how upset I was, but you said nothing.” To me he says, “Let’s go.”Desperately Rennie cries, “Wait! Wait.” She stumbles in her heels and straightens up again. “I was going to drop this bomb at midnight, but screw it.” She doesn’t take her eyes off me as she says, “Sophia drugged you at homecoming. She put something in your drink. I found a picture of her doing it!”Everything goes slow-motion for me. As I turn my head to look at Leonid , I feel like I’m underwater.Rennie is panting. Waiting for Leonid to say something. “Let me show you the photo. I’ll show you. I’m not lying, Leonid ! I’ve never lied to you.” She smirks at me. “Guess what, Sophia? Your perfect life is over. You’re going to jail, you stupid bitch.”It’s over. I’m done for. Leonid, my friends, my whole entire life is ruined.Leonid face is expression
Calmdowncalmdowncalmdown.“What’s that noise?” my mom asks.“It’s Mary,” Aunt Bette says. “I told you. She’s ready to go home.”I hear my mom say, “Bette, please. Please stop torturing me like this.”I’m still standing on the stairs, stuck in place. Something is wrong. Very wrong. Suddenly I’m afraid to go down there.“You need help, Bette,” my mom says, and she sounds like she’s crying. “I’m taking you away from here. This house is making you sick.”“No no, I’m fine, Erica,” Aunt Bette says desperately. “She wants to leave! She wants to leave with you! I’ll be better when she’s gone!”“This house is in shambles, and you’re—you’re not well,” my mom chokes out. “You can’t stay here any longer.”Aunt Bette backs up. “You can’t go without Mary. She’s going to be upset. She’s going to hurt someone.”“We’re leaving. Now.” Mom has the door open. I stare at it and force it closed. She’s shocked as the knob flies out of her hand. The door bangs shut, and the dead bolt clicks.Aunt Bette cries
Leonid throws up his hands. “All right. I can see that I’m not wanted. Ungracious prick. I’m out.” He yells out toward the pool house, “Merry Christmas, kids! Santa’s getting his ass kicked out.” And then he stumbles off toward the gate.Nadia and a couple of Alex’s older cousins have come outside; they’re watching us from the front of the pool house with wide eyes.I take Alex’s arm. “He shouldn’t drive,” I say. “He’s drunk.”Alex doesn’t make a move; he just watches as Leonid stalks off. I push Alex in Leonid direction as hard as I can. “Hurry, Alex!”Reluctantly, Alex follows him. “Give me your keys. I’ll drive you home.”Leonid tosses his keys out onto the lawn. “Nah, I’ll walk.”“Leonid!” I call out. “Let him take you.”But he’s already halfway down the street, his black puffy coat blending into the night sky. I go looking for his keys, but it’s too dark. Alex comes back to my side and shrugs. “Give me your phone,” I say to him, and he hands it to me. I use it like a flashlight a
I keep concentrating on cutting my lettuce into tiny pieces and dipping each one into the dressing.Derek plops down with a tray full of french fries and says, “Yo! Did you guys hear about how Mr. Dunlevy got a DUI over the weekend?”“Yeah, I heard,” Rennie says. “Coach Christy was pissed. I mean, he gets paid extra to teach us driver’s ed.”I take another bite of salad. Chew. Chew. Chew.“Sophia, weren’t you and Leonid in driver’s ed with him last year?” Alex asks. “Did he ever smell like booze?”I shrug. Leonid shrugs too. Neither of us says anything. “Huh,” Alex says, and there’s this slight edge in his voice. He’s looking at me, and then he jerks his thumb in Leonid direction. “You were so chummy-chummy at your party on Friday. And now you can barely stand to look at each other. What gives?”I almost choke on the piece of hard-boiled egg in my mouth. It tastes like dust.Lazily, Leonid says, “Sophia and I remembered that we don’t actually like each other,” and Rennie smiles a cat