3 Ambivalence

SOPHIA

Ryan Caddel was equally as surprised to see me as I was. Was this Zara's role play? Wait, but wasn't it normal that her brother came to visit her?

Maybe I should have just stayed at a hotel. The thought crossed my mind again as I stared at the man standing before me.

Nothing changed. Or maybe it did. I would not deny that I hadn't looked at his pictures a few times after I moved away. His rich black hair fell carelessly over his face, framing them so beautifully.

After what happened 8 years ago, it should be a crime that he still makes my stomach twist in weird ways and that I still find him attractive.

“Sophia?“ He called, his voice sounding a bit rough and unsure.

“When did you come back?“ He asked.

And then it all came pouring in. Why was I feeling suddenly nervous? I hate him, right? Right. I called things off. I'm supposed to hate him.

My expression hardened, and I turned to walk back in, leaving his question hanging.

“Zara, you have a guest,” I called out loudly.

I prayed inwardly that he wouldn't stop me, because honestly, I wouldn't know what to say.

I didn't know what to say or how to face him. But unfortunately, the Ryan Caddel I knew was not going to let things off easily.

“Wait, Sophia, you're just going to leave?“

I stopped when he held my wrist, and I turned around with a scoff. “What do you expect me to do? Smile? Hug you?“

“A kiss maybe?“

I don't know where those words were coming from. Maybe it's from the anger I felt from everything that was currently happening to me, or the anger that I had bottled up from our last conversation years ago.

“Sophia, 8 years have passed—”

“And nothing has changed, nothing will,” I cut him off.

“Let's just pretend we don't know each other." I added and snatched my hand from his before walking away. I walked back into the kitchen and grabbed another glass of water, gulping down the water in a rush.

“What's happening? Who's the guest?”

I didn't bother to reply because Ryan came walking into the kitchen in that second.

“Ryan! You didn't tell me you were coming,” she exclaimed in surprise.

He dropped a wrapped box on the counter, and I looked away when his eyes darted to me. I heard his audible sigh before he spoke to his sister.

“Mom asked me to bring this for you since you missed dinner.”

"Eh, all good. I'll keep this for next time.”

“Will you stay for dinner?“ She asked as she began to set out the table.

Please say no. Don't make me uncomfortable.

“No, I'll pass.”

Awesome.

Zara shook her head. “It's my new recipe; I want you to taste it. It's perfect that Sophia is here; you two have always been my original testers,” she replied.

“I guess I don't have a choice,” he shrugged and went to take a seat.

Why does Zara have to be like this?

Well, he's her brother; she can't have him leave; I'm the one invading their space. I could skip dinner until he leaves, but I'm hungry, and I don't want to let Zara know that I've still not let go of all the hate for him.

I mean, I thought I did. When I got together with that bastard Jake, I thought I'd finally forget about everything that happened to me, but now that he's standing before me, a small smile on his face as he talked to his sister, I realized that I never did, and I never might.

Unfortunately, there were only four chairs on the dining table, two opposite two. I wouldn't sit beside him, and Zara had taken the seat adjacent to him, so I just sat beside her, the chair directly facing Ryan.

She served the food on each of our plates, and I picked up my spoon and started eating.

“This is good,” Ryan and I said at the same time. I slowly lowered my spoon as I looked up; he was already staring intently at me. The look in his eyes was daring. Like he was trying to read my mind.

I suddenly started to choke on my food and turned away from him while coughing.

“Sophia, are you okay?” Zara exclaimed as she handed me a cup of water. I immediately took it from her and drank from it. Once I was better, I turned to her with a small smile.

“I'm fine,”

“Be careful,” she muttered and refilled the glass, then dropped it back for me.

We continued eating, with Zara and Ryan doing most of the talking while I tried to eat as fast as I could. It was stressful for me to sit opposite him, pretending like everything was fine.

If it had been a few years back, I'd be in on their conversation, laughing hard and having a time, but it was different now. A lot had happened between us, and even to me personally.

"Sophia, do you remember?“

“What's that?“ I asked absentmindedly and continued eating, not sparing any of them a glance.

“The day at the ice rink where Ryan almost fell. He keeps arguing he never sucked at ice skating. Weren't you the one that taught him?“

I bit my lower lips, still looking down at my plate.

“I don't remember,” I mumbled.

Zara paused and then she let out a low chuckle. “How's that possible? You-”

I hit my spoon on the table loudly as I pushed my chair backward and got on my feet. “I said I don't remember. Fuck! Zara, stop speaking about the damn past,” I snapped.

I caught the look of pure confusion on Zara's face as I stormed out of the kitchen.

“Sophia, wait-” I ignored her call and slammed the door of the room. I turned the key to lock it and fell to the floor, resting my back on the door.

I closed my eyes, my lips quivered as I pulled my hair back with my hands.

I felt it coming. My vision blurred and my eyes welled up with tears. I squeezed my eyes shut, gripping my knees as though it would keep the tears back. The tears finally slipped out of my eyes. I cupped my mouth to stop anyone from hearing my cries.

I shouldn't be crying. I shouldn't be.

I didn't mean to snap at Zara, and now I feel so embarrassed, miserable, and pathetic that I can't even properly explain exactly how I feel. It was like a thousand different emotions were crushing me at the same time.

I was angry, frustrated, tired, embarrassed, and anxious. It just felt too overwhelming for me.

Later at midnight…

I slowly opened the door to my room and walked out. The lights were out, and it was dead quiet.

Ryan had left hours ago, and Zara had probably gone to bed too. I first walked into the kitchen. The dishes had been cleared. My eyes fell on the chair Ryan sat in. I took a deep breath and turned.

“Oh gosh,” I flinched when I saw Zara standing behind me. She gave a light smile.

…

We were currently seated on the couch on the balcony, enjoying the cool midnight breeze.

“I'm sorry for snapping earlier. I didn't mean to.”

She sighed loudly. “I think I deserved that.“

“I almost forgot why you left in the first place.”

I didn't say anything, mostly because I had nothing to say.

“Do you still hate Ryan?“

“Maybe”

That was my most honest answer.

Maybe I still hated him for what he did. Or maybe I didn't. Maybe it was the anger from my just failed relationship and career, and I was taking it out on him. Or maybe it was both.

“It's okay to have contradictory feelings.”

“You've held out for so long; you should take advantage of your situation and get yourself back.”

“What's your plan?“

I shrugged my shoulders. “I'm going to rent an apartment and think of my next step.”

“You can always stay at my apartment, you know that?“

I nodded.

She sighed. “Well, remember, I'm always here for you.”

“Thank you”

The next day...

I opened the door of the private dining room and walked in. My mother was seated at the table, dressed in the most elegant and stylish outfit.

Even though I took her features, I was nothing like her, and she didn't particularly love me for that.

“Did you just start ignoring your calls on purpose?“ She asked once I took my seat.

“I forgot my phone,” I mumbled.

“And last night?“

I held myself from showing a nonchalant expression. I knew how much she hated that.

“I didn't feel like”

“Sophia Elizabeth Adams!“ She snapped.

I bit the inside of my lips as I glanced sideways.

I definitely didn't miss this. Reason number two why I left.

“If you are only going to yell at me, I think I've had enough of that,” I said calmly.

“I might just leave.”

She shook her head. “You brat, are you threatening me now?”

Take it however you want.

She gave a dramatic sigh and shook her head. I watched her reach for a bag and bring out a paper, which dropped on the table.

“You'll be rejoining the company. Resume on Monday.”

“Three days is enough to prepare yourself.”

“Excuse me?“ I blinked in surprise.

“I'm sure I didn't stutter, Sophia.”

I chuckled dryly, drumming my finger on the table.

“Have you been waiting patiently for this day? Have you been waiting patiently for me to fail?“

“Take it however you want,” she replied curtly.

I laughed, the sound harsh and bitter.

Was this woman for real?

“You've never trusted me.”

“I-” My voice broke midway, and I stopped to catch my breath. My eyes welled with tears. Pathetic tears.

“I was never good enough for you.”

She looked at me, her expression hard and heavily guarded. Sometimes I wish I had her ability to hide my emotions like she did.

“Your father and I only want what's good for you; you should know that by now.”

“What's good for me?“ I asked with an incredulous stare.

“How do you know what's good for me when you don't even know me?”

“I wasted four years of my life trying to please you, is that not enough? Won't you let me do what I want for once? Won't you give me a break?“

I sniffed, furiously wiping off the tears on my cheek.

“What nonsense!“

"What you want? We let you do that, and where did it take you? Where are you now? Back to the beginning. Everything is gone.”

“Sophia, this is evidence that you cannot do things on your own. A break? You have had your chance, but you've messed up.”

Even though she's done worse things to me, I felt her words pierce through my heart like a sword.

Maybe I was expecting less from her and dad. But I've never seen a parent happy to see their daughter's life shatter to pieces just because they wanted to have the last word.

“How can you even say that?“

I didn't wait for her to say anything; her next words might just make me go crazy.

I grabbed my bag and dashed outside.

As I got out of the elevator into the large lobby room, I pulled down my cap further to stop anyone from seeing the tears rushing down my face.

At that moment, I bumped into someone. Strong arms came to wrap around my waist, holding me steady so I could stand upright.

I slowly pulled back as I looked up. Familiar brown orbs that belonged to none other than Ryan stared back at me.

Why was he suddenly everywhere? And at the wrong time?