Chapter 99

This is the first night that I will sleep on the same bed with Jaxson beside me, and I don't know what just happened to my body that made me stiff this much.

I don't even remember how to breathe right now, all I can think of is that this man laying beside me, in my own little bed, is my husband and we are going to spend the night together.

The blanket almost tore because I was clinging to it so tightly to cover my entire body. My bed is so small that if I make a small movement our skin will stick together and when that happens I don't know if my heart can handle it and if I will wake up in my right mind.

Because it was so quiet in the whole room, my loud series of sighs could be heard. I do not know what to do.

What do newly married couples usually do on their first night except that thing?

"Are you uncomfortable?" I heard Jaxson muttered in his raspy voice.

Uncomfortable? I am dying!

“U-Uh… H-Huh?’ I stammered because I don't know what to say. Of course I am too timid to say that this situation that I am lying in bed next to my husband is killing me. This even almost feels like the last time I talked to Jaxson sober in the car the day he picked me up from the University.

Jaxson sighed as he propped his elbow so he could turn his body sideways, facing me.

It was as if my body became a statue when I felt his direct gaze on me.

"I-I... never imagine even once that I will have a man next to me in the bed where I can lie alone for a long time... So..." my head slightly moved away from him because I felt ashamed of what I said. I feel like all the blood in my body rose up to my cheeks that makes it really hot and I know that I look like a rotten tomato.

I heard Jaxson's feeble chuckle. "Maybe a couple of pillows can help you be comfortable."

I felt the bed move as he got up to get an extra pillow and then placed it between the two of us. He adjusted its alignment so that there was a barrier between us.

The pillows he put were a big help because my gaze could no longer reach him in the corners of my eyes and the pounding in my chest seemed to have lessened because I didn't think too much about Jaxson being here.

I couldn't look at his face because of the pillows that are blocking his face, so I just kept looking at my blank ceiling.

"You know, Jax... We are not a real couple, so this really shouldn't be a big deal. It's just one night." I said confidently, knowing that it's a lie.

"Right." He replied quickly.

"Right..." I muttered in response.

I think it was about two minutes of silence and only a series of sighs could be heard inside the room.

"When I was younger, my mom took me to a huge mountain and left me there alone thinking that it would teach me to be independent and brave."

I chuckled because of what information he suddenly told me. It is so out of nowhere.

"I'm sorry for laughing, but that's kinda..." I giggled.

"But you know what? Instead of being independent and brave, I felt more like… alone.”

My giggles halted when Jaxson continued with his story.

"My mother left me by myself in the wild and it taught me nothing but being afraid to be alone. And that is exactly how I felt when she left me. She should've taken me with her when I even cried, begging her to take me with her. The day she left me alone in the mountains was also the day of the car crash. Imagine... a little boy like me, fighting for his life to get out of the suffocating place, only to find out that my mother has left me forever..."

I can hear Jaxson's pain in his voice. I know that just like me, he is just looking at the ceiling right now. Maybe it's moments like these that he can't stop remembering his mother. I can imagine the excruciating pain he is feeling right now. And to think that he didn't even get a chance to give a proper goodbye to his mother is really sad. The little Jaxson who thinks about seeing his mother after getting out of the mountain, has no idea that it would be the last moments of them together and he was crying, begging his mother to take him with her. If she ever did, I wouldn't be with this man right now.

"You have only collected sad moments throughout your life. Don't you have even one happy memory?" I ask, because it seems like Jaxson's life has been very sad since he was a child.

"I do have moments like that." He uttered. "As an example, spending time with you. I know you will never believe me, but you make my days much brighter now. Do you even know that you look like my mother?”

Both of my eyebrows rose because of what he said which I did not expect.

"Don't scold me. He says it's impossible. Your mother is beyond beautiful!”

"And so are you."

"W-What..?" I stammered.

Jaxson let out a feeble scoff. "You really look like my mother. Once we get home, I'll show you a picture of her and you can tell by yourself whether you really resemble her."

"What do you mean, once we get home? I am home.” I replied.

"Cattleya, why do you always have to ruin it? Why are you so crabby?”

"What? I am not. I'm just telling the truth. I am home right now and you're lying on my bed.”

"Whatever you say, chippy."

"What did you just say?!" I was so annoyed by what he said that I couldn't stop myself from standing up and taking the pillow that was covering his face to glare at him. "I am not being chippy or grumpy, or whatever it is, Jaxson. I am home and once we get back to your mansion, I will be in your home together with your family.”

"Looks like I forgot to buy us a house, then. I'll take care of it tomorrow and get us home." He said with one eyebrow raised as if he was about to get angry.

"You are not going to do that, Jax. You don't have to go that far. You know, buying a house will just be a waste after a year.”

"Then perhaps rent it for a year." He flashed a smirk across his lips as he took the pillow from me and hugged it, turning his body and facing me.

"You're not going to get us a house and live alone together. I can stay in your mansion and perhaps help Aunt Elsie and Lovely as I finish my studies.” I burst out with emphasis to let him know that I don't like the idea of ​​him buying our one year relationship a house.

I went back to lying down fiercely and turned my back on him because there was no barrier between us and only the pillow he was hugging.

I am not acting that I don't like him to buy a house just to show that I am not interested in his money or whatever things that he can buy.

"Don't get me wrong, Jax." I whispered. "I just... I just don't want to leave us a core memory together. Buying a house and living together will make me used to that life... and I... I am afraid that once I lose it... I'll feel... shattered..."

I don't want to have something that reminds me of Jaxson every time I see it. I am scared. I am scared of losing him.

Little by little I felt Jaxson's quiet movement behind me. I felt that he brought his body closer to me because I felt the warmth of his body as his hand slid on my waist, giving me a back hug.

I just let him put his chin on my head and pulled me closer.

"Why do you always say that this would last in a year..?" Jaxson whispered in a croaky voice.

He sounded dejected, and I can feel it the way he hugged me from the back.

I let out a deep breath. "Isn't that the truth?" I answered. "You have no idea how many times I remind myself that we are temporary... and everyday that I lose, it makes me feel afraid and I don't understand why... I can't even think of spending a year and living with someone like you, but… I can't deny, Jax. I am afraid. I am afraid that I will wake up one day when our contract ends. That this relationship, having you so close to me, hearing you teasing me, will all be gone one day. And I know that this feeling shouldn't grow. Because it will hurt... It hasn't even gotten deeper yet but I know in myself that I will only be hurt..."

"The only way that all of those will happen is when you leave by my side."

My forehead furrowed in perplexed of what he said. I turned to face him, and the moment our eyes met I felt a bizarre feeling. It's like we are connected.

I looked deeply into his eyes. I can feel Jaxson's breath brushing on my face because of how close our faces are to each other. But tonight, I don't feel very nervous at all. My nerves aren't cracking just how it always is. I feel more relaxed as I fall into his eyes.

"What do you mean by that..?"

"Cattleya, you have no idea how much you petrify me with those words you just said. It made me feel like you have plans of leaving me any second after our contract ends. And as much as you don't want to leave this moment that we are having together right now..? I don't want to lose it too. Unlike you, I want to get used to having you by my side. Because I have you in my vision. I see the future with you. So please, never mention that our relationship will end in a year all the time. Hmm? We are the rulers, we created the deal, and if we both agree to stay together still, there will be no hindrance for that to happen. As long as you stay by my side.”

I blinked three times to understand every single word that Jaxson had just told me.

"I-I can't believe it..." I muttered, "Are you confessing to me?"

"Am I confessing to my wife? I think yes.”